It’s been nine days since I had a cigarette, until now. Yes, I caved in. After yesterday, it showed me I have yet a lot of work to do on myself.

Yesterday I did what I needed not to smoke. But at the end of the day I didn’t like who I was becoming. I was scared, “mad at the world”, bitchy, complaining and a complete and utter asshole. Oh, how I was.

But I’m not going sit on the pity pot because I failed. I could blame myself, others for not supporting me, etc. I’m not. At a very minimum I tried; I gave it the best attempt I could. Perhaps in time, I’ll reach a place.

All day I was looking for answers. Why am I like this? What am I missing? Here I have gone through a comprehensive program from alcoholism and nicotine is now kicking my ass. Isn’t it all the same? Why…why…why?

Perhaps I just answered my own question – stop fighting and trust in the process?

So be it. It happened. I take responsibility for it.

You’re only as sick as your secrets you keep.