BCS-SE – The Wandering Enigma

Working and going to college full-time can be quite a stressful situation. One misstep, your behind and find yourself struggling to get back things back to current. Yet, when you put your mind to it, you can gain that momentum back to take a breath of fresh air. With a couple weeks left, the end is near. So is the end of 2020 and a much needed vacation from everything.

When I started this term, I thought it wouldn’t be difficult at all. It’s only two classes. You got this! Oh, how I was so wrong. My confidence was slipping. I was at a point where I was contemplating not returning next term. I honestly didn’t want the additional stress in my life. What was the point?

As I concentrated on a rough draft of my persuasive essay for English, I got behind a week in my math class. Then the walls really started to close in. Then the debates stated with myself. Why are we doing this to ourselves? We know better. Are you going to let history repeat itself? Or are you going to take this as a lesson to learn from the past to challenge yourself to do better and change?

Got home today from work, sat down to concentrate on my two math assignments and a discussion. As typical with classes, the first have is a review while the second is typically new material. Now it’s a little more challenging, however I got what I needed done for the week. Now I’m current. I can breathe.

The year of 2020 was challenging. However, those days too are starting to dwindle. Started a new job, moved into my own place, and started college. I forgot I put in a vacation request for the end of December. A notification arrived this morning it was approved. It’s just four days from Dec 27 to Dec 30 because I have to work ‘key’ dates. The college term ends the week before, so I’ll be free to catch up on other things I have put aside – small house projects.

The point I guess I’m trying to get across to myself is my own self-doubt. Despite some negative things going on (mainly work), I have the ability to make things happen. Concentration and determination. I can’t falter now. The end is right around the corner.

As mentioned earlier, I’m about to start college . . . again . . . to obtain my Bachelors in Computer Science with an emphasis in Software Engineering. Things are about to get crazy. I’m at little freaked out about what is going to happen in the next eight weeks.

First thought – what the f**k are you thinking? You have a full-time job AND you’re about to take on a full-time schedule in college? Right now I’m probably in the best phase of my life I’ve ever lived. Peaceful. Yet a part of me feels like were inviting chaos into my life which we all know always goes sideways. We’ve been down this road – you failed. Why are you putting yourself on this road – again?

While my life may seem to be peaceful, I don’t feel fulfilled. There is part of me which isn’t happy where I am. I want more. I expect better for myself. There is a void in me needing to be filled.

I can try to convince myself, “You can do this.” It’s a lie. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a dark room flailing my arms around trying to figure my way out. Scared out of mind, about to shit my pants looking for damn light switch danging from above only to find out its not there and bang – damn that wall – f**k me.

A glimpse of what’s goes on in my head – scary actually:

Isn’t this called self-sabotage? You have finally reached the starting point of a major goal in your life. Yet, you want to quit before you even get started? You’re better than this.
Perhaps but . . .
Remember, anything past the ‘but’ is a lie . . .
Oh shut up . . .
You know I’m right! Bitch!

This is just one of those moments in life I need to take three deep breaths, slowly inhale, slowly exhale all the while listening to Tibetan singing bowls in the background. I always feel much better even after a couple of minutes. I really should do such things more often!

In reality, this is not happening today or tomorrow. It’s not happening until next week. Why am I getting myself all curled up like a rattlesnake, shaking that tail about to strike with deadly fangs? Because I’m human. It’s a basic human emotion called fear!

Snap out of it!

This is one of the reasons I miss writing even if it’s to myself. I get the impression I have two versions of myself. A strong, confident type who has gone through enough shit in his life. He says just do it like a blacksmith bringing down a hammer on a hot piece of metal on an anvil, sparks flying all over the place. Slow and steady, my boy! On the other hand, there is the (still) meek, timid, always nervous man who wants to succeed but doubts still rise from the ashes of his past failures. Sometimes it’s quite the battle going on up there.

Enough. There are others time too, I get tired of myself talking like this to myself. It’s done. I made the commitment, I enrolled. I am registered for classes and purchased books. There is no turning back. Besides, it’s not today. Literally don’t worry about it right now or even at all.

I need to enjoy the some peace and quiet right now. Next week it’s going to be a whole new ball game. This battle is probably now over. It may have just started **cringe**

I admit I am strange . . .