Author: mikeykjr

This blog reflects the thoughts and feelings of a gay, alcoholic/addict. Sobriety, for me, is the #1 priority in life. I wouldn't be here today without the dedication to my own sobriety. I hope through this site, I can help others battling with an addiction, struggling with recovery or those looking for a better understanding of an addict and what we go through in life. I tend to write long, rambling posts, so grab some coffee, get comfortable and enjoy yourself. Also, subscribe/follow!

DR – May 22, 2025

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Daily Recovery Readings
May 22, 2025

Daily Reflection

STEP ONE

“WE . . .” (The first word of the First Step)

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 21

When I was drinking all I could ever think about was “I, I, I,” or “Me, Me, Me.” Such painful obsession of self, such soul sickness, such spiritual selfishness bound me to the bottle for more than half my life.

The journey to find God and to do His will one day at a time began with the first word of the First Step . . . “We.” There was power in numbers, there was strength in numbers, there was safety in numbers, and for an alcoholic like me, there was life in numbers. If I had tried to recover alone I probably would have died. With God and another alcoholic I have a divine purpose in my life . . . I have become a channel for God’s healing love.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“When we drew near to Him He disclosed Himself to us!”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, We Agnostics, pg. 57~

24 Hours a Day – The Little Black Book

Thought for the Day

What impresses us most at an A.A. meeting is the willingness to share, without holding anything back. And pretty soon we find ourselves sharing also. We start telling our own experiences and by so doing we help the other person. And when we’ve got these things off our chest, we feel a lot better. It does us a lot of good to share with some other poor unfortunate person who’s in the same box that we were in. And the more we share, the more we have left for ourselves. Do I know that the more I share, the better chance I’ll have to stay sober?

Meditation for the Day

Constantly claim God’s strength. Once convinced of the right of a course of action, once reasonably sure of God’s guidance, claim that strength now. You can claim all the strength you need to meet any situation. You can claim a new supply when your own supply is exhausted. You have a right to claim it and you should use your right. A beggar supplicates, a son appropriates. When you supplicate, you are often kept waiting, but when you appropriate God’s strength in a good cause, you have it at once.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may claim God’s strength whenever I need it. I pray that I may try to live as a child of God.

The Language of Letting Go – Codependency

Times of Reprogramming

Do not ask for love unless you’re ready to be healed enough to give and receive love.

Do not ask for joy unless you’re ready to feel and release your pain, so you can feel joy.

Do not ask for success unless you’re ready to conquer the behaviors that would sabotage success.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could imagine ourselves having or becoming – and then immediately receiving – what we wanted? We can have and be the good things we want. All good things are ours for the asking. But first, groundwork – preparation work – must be done.

A gardener would not plant seeds unless the ground was adequately prepared to nurture and nourish those seeds. The planting would be wasted effort. It would be wasted effort for us to get what we wanted before we were ready.

First, we need to become aware of our need or desire. This may not be easy! Many of us have become accustomed to shutting off the inner voice of our wants, needs, and desires. Sometimes, life has to work hard to get our attention.

Next we let go of the old programming: the behavior and beliefs that interfere with nurturing and nourishing the good. Many of us have strong sabotaging programs, learned from childhood, that need to be released. We may need to act as if for a while until the belief that we deserve the good becomes real.

We combine this process with much letting go, while we are being changed at the core.

There is naturalness to this process, but it can be intense. Things take time.

Good things are ours for the asking, if we are willing to participate in the work of groundbreaking. Work and wait.

Today, God, give me the courage to identify the good I want in my life and to ask for it. Give me also the faith and stamina I need to go through the work that must be accomplished first.

Touchstone – Men’s Meditation

‘If you do not express your own original ideas, if you do not listen to your own being, you will have betrayed yourself.”

—Rollo May

Those of us who go around trying to be right and do everything right are likely to betray ourselves. We stifle our impulses and control our intuition because we can’t be certain that we are correct. As a spiritual exercise, we could stop now and listen to our inner selves and state our own ideas. What comes out may break the illusion of perfection and free us to proceed with life.

We all have original ideas if we just notice them. What images come to mind while listening to music? What do our dreams tell us? New insights sometimes come by physical activity. Conversation with a friend can help lead us to our wisdom. Our growing strength as recovering men requires that we listen to our own messages and then take some risks to express them.

Today, I will take risks by stating my ideas. I will stand up for myself by listening to my intuition.

Elder’s Meditation

“The earth was created by the assistance of the sun, and it should be left as it was… The country was made without lines of demarcation, and it is no man’s business to divide it…”

–Chief Joseph, NEZ PERCE

There is danger when we start to draw lines and boundaries. This is true whether outside ourselves or inside ourselves. The danger is losing sight of the interconnectedness. When we lose sight of interconnectedness, separation, possessiveness (this is mine, I can do what I want) and infighting results. Even at an individual level, if we don’t believe we are connected to all things we get self-centered and have self-seeking motives. We must think in harmony, balance and integrity. We must see our relationship to the great whole and conduct ourselves accordingly.

Great Spirit, today, let me think beyond boundaries.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Putting yourself out there could be good for your finances at present. With attractive Venus in your 10th House of Reputation stimulating acquisitive Mars in your money zone, you can’t get people to offer you lucrative opportunities if they don’t know about you! Even if there’s a part of you that wants to avoid scrutiny, there’s probably still quite a bit that you can share without delving into territory that makes you uncomfortable. Don’t lie, but you can allow for a little mystery.

DR – May 21, 2025

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Daily Recovery Readings
May 21, 2025

Daily Reflection

A LIST OF BLESSINGS

‘One exercise that I practice is to try for a full inventory of my blessings…”

— AS BILL SEES IT, p. 37

What did I have to be grateful for? I shut myself up and started listing the blessings for which I was in no way responsible, beginning with having been born of sound mind and body. I went through seventy-four years of living right up to the present moment. The list ran to two pages, and took two hours to compile; I included health, family, money, A.A. – the whole gamut.

Every day in my prayers, I ask God to help me remember my list, and to be grateful for it throughout the day. When I remember my gratitude list, it’s very hard to conclude that God is picking on me.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“Although financial recovery is on the way for many of us, we found we could not place money first. For us, material well-being always followed spiritual progress; it never preceded.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, The Family Afterward, pg. 127~

24 Hours a Day – The Little Black Book

Thought for the Day

One of the finest things about A.A. is the sharing. Sharing is a wonderful thing because the more you share the more you have. In our old drinking days, we didn’t do much sharing. We used to keep things to ourselves, partly because we were ashamed, but mostly because we were selfish. And we were very lonely because we didn’t share. When we came into A.A., the first thing we found was sharing. We heard other alcoholics frankly sharing their experiences with hospitals, jails, and all the usual mess that goes with drinking. Am I sharing?

Meditation for the Day

Character is developed by the daily discipline of duties done. Be obedient to the heavenly vision and take the straight way. Do not fall into the error of calling “Lord, Lord,” and doing not the things that should be done. You need a life of prayer and meditation, but you must still do your work in the busy ways of life. The busy person is wise to rest and wait patiently for God’s guidance. If you are obedient to the heavenly vision, you can be at peace.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may be obedient to the heavenly vision. I pray if I fall, I will pick myself up and go on.

The Language of Letting Go – Codependency

Getting Needs Met

I want to change careers . . . I need a friend . . .I’m ready to be in a relationship . . .

Regularly, we become aware of new needs. We may need to change our behavior with our children. We may need a new couch, love and nurturing, a dollar, or help.

Do not be afraid to recognize a want or need. The birth of a want or need, the temporary frustration from acknowledging a need before it’s met, is the start of the cycle of receiving what we want. We follow this by letting go, then receiving that which we want and need. Identifying our needs is preparation for good things to come.

Acknowledging our needs means we are being prepared and drawn to that which will meet them. We can have faith to stand in that place in between.

Today, I will let go of my belief that my needs never get met. I will acknowledge my wants and needs, and then turn them over to my Higher Power. My Higher Power cares, sometimes about the silliest little things, if I do. My wants and needs are not an accident. God created me and all my desires.

Touchstone – Men’s Meditation

“Everyone is a bore to someone. That is unimportant. The thing to avoid is being a bore to oneself.”

—Gerald Brenan

As teenagers most of us were very self-conscious and concerned about how we looked to others. That was a normal stage in development. But, for many of us, our addictions began at that age, or the addictions of others affected us. Our emotional development stopped. We didn’t develop an inner reference point, a relationship with our Higher Power that influenced us and helped us weigh other people’s opinions.

In recovery, we resumed our emotional and spiritual development where it had stopped. It is liberating to know that how we feel about something is important. We can follow our interests and pursue our commitments. We need not be ruled by others’ feelings. With our regular pattern of taking our inventory, praying, and meditating, we are developing a relationship with ourselves, which builds character and maturity.

Today, I will give importance to how I feel, what I believe, and what is interesting to me.

Elder’s Meditation

“A vision could put you on a path you don’t want to follow.”

–Archie Fire Lame Deer, LAKOTA

There is a saying, “You move toward and become like that which you think about.” If we keep thinking about a bad thing, we will move in that direction. If we think about fear in some area of our life, we will probably experience this fear. We move toward and become like that which we think about. If we think about secret things, these secret things will come to pass. Our visions are very powerful. Visions determine our direction, our lives. If you think about lustful things, it’s a matter of time before you’ll be wrestling with it. We should think about our visions to make sure they include the Great Spirit in every area.

Great Spirit, today, give me Your vision to follow.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Your social network has the potential to expand your horizons. While the inquisitive Moon in your adventurous 9th house looks to clever Mercury in your 11th House of Community, you’ll probably benefit from hearing out a friend or acquaintance who describes a belief system that’s new to you. Though they might challenge values you hold dear, try to avoid getting in any arguments. You don’t have to agree with their viewpoint, but listening carefully is a good way to understand your own philosophies better.

DR – May 20, 2025

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Daily Recovery Readings
May 20, 2025

Daily Reflection

ONE DAY AT A TIME

“Above all, take it one day at a time.”

— AS BILL SEES IT, p. 11

Why do I kid myself that I must stay away from a drink for only one day, when I know perfectly well I must never drink again as long as I live? I am not kidding myself because one day at a time is probably the only way I can reach the long-range objective of staying sober.

If I determine that I shall never drink again as long as I live, I set myself up. How can I be sure I won’t drink when I have no idea what the future may hold?

On a day-at-a-time basis, I am confident I can stay away from a drink for one day. So I set out with confidence. At the end of the day, I have the reward of achievement. Achievement feels good and that makes me want more!

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Into Action, pg. 73~

24 Hours a Day – The Little Black Book

Thought for the Day

If we get up in a meeting and tell some thing about ourselves in order to help the other person, we feel a whole lot better. It’s the old law of the more you give the more you get. Witnessing and confession are part of keeping sober. You never know when you may help somebody. Helping others is one of the best ways to stay sober your self. And the satisfaction you get out of helping a fellow human being is one of the finest experiences you can have. Am I helping others?

Meditation for the Day

Without God, no real victory is ever won. All the military victories of great conquerors have passed into history. The world might be better off without military conquerors. The real victories are won in the spiritual realm. “He that conquers himself is greater than he who conquers a city.” The real victories are victories over sin and temptation, leading to a victorious and abundant life. Therefore, keep a brave and trusting heart. Face all your difficulties in the spirit of conquest. Remember that where God is, there is the true victory.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that the forces of evil in my life will flee before God’s presence. I pray that with God I will win the real victory over myself.

The Language of Letting Go – Codependency

Sadness

Ultimately, to grieve our losses means to surrender to our feelings.

So many of us have lost so much, have said so many good byes – have been through so many changes. We may want to hold back the tides of change, not because the change isn’t good, but because we have had so much change, so much loss.

Sometimes, when we are in the midst of pain and grief, we become shortsighted, like members of a tribe described in the movie Out of Africa.

“If you put them in prison,” one character said, describing this tribe, “they die.”

“Why?” asked another character.

“Because they can’t grasp the idea that they’ll be let out one day. They think it’s permanent, so they die.”

Many of us have so much grief to get through. Sometimes we begin to believe grief, or pain, is a permanent condition.

The pain will stop. Once felt and released, our feelings will bring us to a better place than where we started. Feeling our feelings, instead of denying or minimizing them, is how we heal from our past and move forward into a better future. Feeling our feelings is how we let go.

It may hurt for a moment, but peace and acceptance are on the other side. So is a new beginning.

God, help me fully embrace and finish my endings, so I may be ready for my new beginnings.

Touchstone – Men’s Meditation

“Truth is a demure lady, much too ladylike to knock you on the head and drag you to her cave. She is there, but the people must want her and seek her out.”

—William F. Buckley, Jr.

As we develop a deeper and more reliable friendship with ourselves, we have little hunches or inner blips of feeling that tell us private truths. Ancient scriptures called it “a still, small voice.” We usually sense this inner message somewhere in our body. Some men say it’s in the heart, others say in the gut, or ear, or on their shoulders. When we are too focused on what others think and feel and what the world says is truth, we don’t notice our inner voice; it doesn’t get much chance to develop. It never hits us over the head; it requires silence and respect to be heard.

As we follow the Steps, we learn to regularly visit the cave of this demure lady, Truth, and seek out her wisdom. The more we listen and the more we respect the truths we receive in our quietness, the more wisdom we are given.

I will listen to the personal wisdom whispered by that still, small voice within.

Elder’s Meditation

“…the sacred ceremonies given to us by the Creator are the Heart of our existence. These ceremonies are our first duty.”

–Traditional Circle of Elders. NORTHERN CHEYENNE

Hidden in the ceremonies are many truths, many principles, many guidelines for living � our access to the Unseen World, healing and visions. Because the Indian People didn’t have schools or books, the Great Spirit gave us Ceremonies. The ceremonies are handed down from generation to generation to learn their meaning. Today, many Indian People live in cities or urban areas where it’s hard to learn the ceremonies. We need to go to the Elders and learn the ceremonies so we can pass them on to our children.

Great Spirit, teach me the Secrets of the Ceremonies.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You may currently value a community that helps you stay on track as you study a compelling subject. In the end, though, whatever you’re learning needs to make sense to you in your own head, or the knowledge won’t stay with you. While the vital Sun sojourns in your 12th House of Contemplation starting today, consider temporarily stepping back from the group to reflect on everything you’ve taken in lately. This process might ultimately result in insights that others will also find helpful!

A Change at Work!

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OMGs, I so bewildered when I look to see who I was working with today! Instead I was assigned a grocery isle (canned foods). I’m pretty sure things were said about what I told the other Associate yesterday and management agreed perhaps I needed a break.

Finally, it was nice to work alone. Do my thing at my pace. The night kind of went slowly but then suddenly after last break, my workweek was over, it was 7am on Monday.

My weekend doesn’t amount to much. Most of it I play a text-character based game, Achaea – Dreams of Divine Lands . I did reactivate my Apple MLS (Major League Soccer) subscription. I watch the New York Red Bulls. Wasn’t a bad season despite a coaching change last year. This year it totally slipped my mind until something popped on my Google News…crap! When I get bored I either watch random videos on YouTube, Cops reruns, Kitchen Nightmares, Jail or something other I can watch for free. I do have Paramount Plus (through work) but I haven’t checked it in a while. Perhaps I will.

Unfortunately the weather will be on the colder side. Thanks the Gods the rain has stopped. I really need to start getting out again, walking a block or doing a route on Pokemon Go for exercise. Also need to schedule a vet visit for all my cats for yearly checkups and schedule the kittens to be neutered. Lastly, there is my apartment which is a complete pigsty. I seriously need to start throwing useless stuff out. After all these years I tend to hoard useless crap for no reason (because in my past I have lost everything over and over again). I really need to just throw it all away and live a minimal lifestyle – just basics.

Cats are doing circle in the house again. UGH! I hope I get some descent sleep this weekend.

I hope everything is good with the rest of you! Thank you for all the support recently. It really is appreciated.

Mikey

DR – May 19, 2025

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Daily Recovery Readings
May 19, 2025

Daily Reflection

GIVING WITHOUT STRINGS

“And he well knows that his own life has been made richer, as an extra dividend of giving to another without any demand for a return.”

— AS BILL SEES IT, p. 69

The concept of giving without strings was hard to understand when I first came into the program. I was suspicious when others wanted to help me. I thought, “What do they want in return?” But I soon learned the joy of helping another alcoholic and I understood why they were there for me in the beginning. My attitudes changed and I wanted to help others. Sometimes I became anxious, as I wanted them to know the joys of sobriety, that life can be beautiful. When my life is full of a loving God of my understanding and I give that love to my fellow alcoholic, I feel a special richness that is hard to explain.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

3rd Step Prayer:

“God, I offer myself to Thee – to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, pg. 63~

24 Hours a Day – The Little Black Book

Thought for the Day

Fellowship is a big part of staying sober. The doctors call it group therapy. We never go to an A.A. meeting without taking something out of it. Sometimes we don’t feel like going to a meeting and we think of excuses for not going. But we usually end up by going anyway. And we always get some lift out of every meeting. Meetings are part of keeping sober. And we get more out of a meeting if we try to contribute something to it. Am I contributing my share at meetings?

Meditation for the Day

“He brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock and established my goings.” The first part, “He brought me up out of a horrible pit,” means that by turning to God and putting my problems in His hands, I am able to overcome my sins and temptations. “He set my feet upon a rock” means that when I trust God in all things, I have true security. “He established my goings” means that if I honestly try to live the way God wants me to live, I will have God’s guidance in my daily living.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that my feet may be set upon a rock. I pray that I may rely on God to guide my comings and goings.

The Language of Letting Go – Codependency

Solving Problems

“Shame is the first feeling that strikes me whenever I, or someone I love, has a problem,” said one recovering woman.”

Many of us were raised with the belief that having a problem is something to be ashamed of.

This belief can do many damaging things to us. It can stop us from identifying our problems; it can make us feel alienated and inferior when we have, or someone we love has, a problem. Shame can block us from solving a problem and finding the gift from the problem.

Problems are a part of life. So are solutions. People have problems, but we, and our self-esteem, are separate from our problems.

I’ve yet to meet a person who didn’t have problems to solve, but I’ve met many who felt shamed to talk about the problems they actually had solved!

We are more than our problems. Even if our problem is our own behavior, the problem is not who we are – it’s what we did.

It’s okay to have problems. It’s okay to talk about problems at appropriate times, and with safe people. It’s okay to solve problems.

And we’re okay, even when we have, or someone we love has, a problem. We don’t have to forfeit our personal power or our self-esteem. We have solved exactly the problems we’ve needed to solve to become who we are.

Today, I will let go of my shame about problems.

Touchstone – Men’s Meditation

“The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment.”

—Doug Larson

We are men on a quest. We seek the serenity of being friendly toward the world and toward ourselves. The spiritual practices we follow are personal and quiet, not spectacular or dazzling. We have been part of the throng seeking stimulating highs. Some of us know the excitement and escape of saving others from their own troubles or drowning ourselves in activity and work. We may know the mellowness of a drug or food binge. Perhaps we know the heart-pounding intensity of shoplifting, gambling, or sexual pursuit.

The way of life suggested by this simple program changes us deeply if we fully surrender to it. This spiritual quest changes us slowly over time, and our reward is contentment. It produces a joy, a feeling of well-being, which is far richer than the momentary pleasures we sought in the past.

Today, I am grateful for a way of life, which leads me toward a contentment I can rely on.

Elder’s Meditation

“To be able to greet the sun with the sounds from all of Nature is a great blessing, and it helps us to remember Who is the real provider of all of our benefits.”

–Thomas Yellowtail, CROW

The Elders say we should pray to the East every morning. Just try it! Get up early in the morning, watch the sun and listen to the morning sounds, the birds, the winds; smell the air, feel the breeze and the warmth of the sun. Your mind will expand and you will experience oneness with the Great Spirit. You’ll realize who is really in charge. You’ll realize interconnectedness. You’ll realize how much the Creator loves you! Just try it!

Great Spirit, today, let me feel the Earth, the Father Sun and your presence.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Having control over your resources may be especially important to you right now. As the needy Moon in your sharing sector nags protective Mars in your money zone, being asked for a small donation might not be that oppressive in the grand scheme of things, but it could be your last straw. Perhaps you feel like your community takes advantage of you on a regular basis. Thoughtfully naming what you value enough to personally support is a great way to guide your choices going forward.

It’s Not My Circus, not my monkeys

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings3 Comments

Good evening (morning or afternoon) everyone! Am I in a good mood? Hell no. Instead of bitching, whining and making your read a lot of nonsense, I’ll just put things in a timeline.

  • 1000pm – arrive at work
  • 1015pm – start work, only one other Associate working with me again and six pallets not down stacked and put on carts
  • 1030 – we begin collecting charts , boss tells other Associate to do drinks again. So he pulls out his drink pallet first and begins to stock. Meanwhile I’m running around still getting things I need like a pallet jack, more charts, printer, plastic bag for plastic, etc.
  • 1045pm – pull first pallet out. As I walk back to the cooler, the boss came toward me, so I said, “Can I express an opinion, ‘Why does Associate simply do drinks when there are five other pallets that need to be broken down. He hasn’t helped with me in the last couple of days nor another Associate on my days off. That just isn’t right!’. As usual, “I’ll take care of it”. During my conversation with boss she disclosed that he was going home at lunch anyway and doesn’t have a plan yet on what to do. When I get back, the other Associate does begin helping with the one pallet.
  • 1130pm – pallet down stacked.
  • Ran two carts of yogurt because I’m pulling another pallet before break is ridiculous.
  • 1215am – Other Associate goes back to stocking drinks. What? Seriously? He doesn’t help me at all the rest of the night.
  • 0200am (lunch) – a pallet and a half yet to down stack with no help from other Associate
  • 0300am – Other Associate indeed went home. During this time period I”m stocking some things because I don’t have enough carts. See boss and tell her how many carts I have in dairy (5), meat wall (2) and other Associates behavior. She was shocked but didn’t say anything, just walked away. Gee thanks!
  • 0430am – Finally got everything down stacked. Seven in dairy, two butter and five for the meat wall. Started stocking dairy . Another associate who was doing soda, juice and water said he was going to help as soon as he was done.
  • 0500am – Other Associate comes to help. We chit chat, so I tell him what’s going on. Another associate comes by asking what’s going on. They all happen to be friends and one of the Assocaites asked the other to text the Associate who went home, “You’re a bitch!” (<—-ROFL).
  • 0700am – I just finish all the yogurt and cheese wall. There are three guys working on the meat wall. They got four of the five charts done. I didn’t want to AT ALL but stayed because we still had one cart to run. At least the three guys were kind enough to help clean up before they left for the day.
  • 730am – Got dairy all cleaned up, finally got to last cart of meat wall.
  • 800am – done for the day. All freight was stocked.

I told another Associate who drove me home, “If he even speaks to me tomorrow, I’m going to get fired.” I just don’t want to deal with his bullshit. Apparently he’s going through something at home, hence his recent change in behavior, as reported by his friends who don’t like it either. I don’t give a shit, leave it at the door when you come in to work or don’t come to work at all. Don’t plan on leaving at the middle of a shift. **bangs head against imaginary desk**

When I got home I took a walk. I honestly am thinking about taking a personal leave of absence to get my life straightened out. I just can’t do this anymore. The insanity I go through at work on a daily basis just makes me want to drink. I need time to detox and get sober (without work interruptions) and get to a place when I can deal with the crap at work and not drink. It’s seriously on the drawing board now.

It’s just to much.

DR – May 18, 2025

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Daily Recovery Readings
May 18, 2025

Daily Reflection

FREEDOM TO BE ME

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.”

— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 83

My first true freedom is the freedom not to have to take a drink today. If I truly want it, I will work the Twelve Steps and the happiness of this freedom will come to me through the Steps – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Other freedoms will follow, and inventorying them is a new happiness. I had a new freedom today, the freedom to be me. I have the freedom to be the best me I have ever been.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, There Is A Solution, pg. 25~

24 Hours a Day – The Little Black Book

Thought for the Day

We’re in A.A. for two main reasons: to keep sober ourselves and to help others to keep sober. It’s a well-known fact that helping others is a big part of keeping sober yourself. It’s also been proved that it’s very hard to keep sober all by yourself. A lot of people have tried it and failed. They come to a few A.A. meetings and then stay sober alone for a few months, but usually they eventually get drunk. Do I know that I can’t stay sober successfully alone?

Meditation for the Day

Look by faith into that place beyond space or time where God dwells and whence you came and to which you shall eventually return. “Look unto Him and be saved.” To look beyond material things is within the power of everyone’s imagination. Faiths look saves you from despair. Faith’s look saves you from worry and care. Faith’s look brings a peace beyond all understanding. Faith’s look brings you all the strength you need. Faith’s look gives you a new and vital power and a wonderful peace and serenity.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may have faith’s look. I pray that by faith I may look beyond the now to eternal life.

The Language of Letting Go – Codependency

Don’t stop living your life!

So often, when a problem occurs, inside or around us, we revert to thinking that if we put our life on hold we can positively contribute to the solution. If a relationship isn’t working, if we face a difficult decision, if we’re feeling depressed, we may put our life on hold and torment ourselves with obsessive thoughts.

Abandoning our life or routines contributes to the problem and delays us from finding the solution.

Frequently, the solution comes when we let go enough to live our life, return to our routine, and stop obsessing about the problem.

Sometimes, even if we don’t feel like we have let go or can let go, we can act as if we have, and that will help bring about the letting go we desire.

You don’t have to give up your power to problems. You can take your focus off your problem and direct it to your life, trusting that doing so will bring you closer to a solution.

Today, I will go on living my life and tending to my routine. I will decide, as often as I need to, to stop obsessing about whatever is bothering me. If I don’t feel like letting go of a particular thing, I will act as if I have let go of it until my feelings match my behavior.

Touchstone – Men’s Meditation

“One should learn to enjoy the neighbor’s garden, however small; the roses straggling over the fence, the scent of lilacs drifting across the road.”

—Henry Van Dyke

There are many gifts around us which we overlook when we’re busy dealing with our anxieties and obligations. We talk about burning out from our high-intensity lifestyles. We act as though nothing would get done if we didn’t do it ourselves. We get so engrossed in fighting with the frustrations of life that we fail to see the good things coming our way that took no effort on our part.

As we look around us this very moment, what good things do we find? Has a friend given a warm hello? Is the sun shining? The rain falling? Has the traffic flowed smoothly? We have no claim on these generous events, and we can’t say God smiles on us when we have them or He frowns when we don’t. We can say there are always generous forces coming our way, which comfort and heal us. We only need to take time to enjoy them.

Today, I will take some quiet moments to notice the good things coming my way. I will be grateful for them.

Elder’s Meditation

“…Grandmother the Earth. That power is here all the time. It is continuous, and nobody controls it.”

–Wallace Black Elk, LAKOTA

There are certain powers that the human being has no choice but to obey. We cannot negotiate or barter with this power. Our choice is either to conform or to live out of harmony. Whatever our choice, it will be the end result in our lives that we notice. So it is with the powers of the Earth which produce life. The Earth has the life force power. If anyone plants a seed, the seed will grow. The Earth treats everyone equally. The human cannot interfere, only obey. We should all show great respect for the Earth and Her powers.

Great Spirit, today, let me honor and respect the power of the Grandmother, the Earth.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Proving yourself to your peers may feel urgent. As witty Mercury in your social sector provokes boastful Mars in your self-worth zone, a joke might rub you the wrong way. Even if the comment sounds innocent to everyone else, you potentially hear more in it. There could indeed be a contentious backstory between you and the person making the comment. In contrast, your other experiences or insecurities are probably also a powerful force. Figure out what’s really going on before you blow things up.

WORK: A Huge Stress Trigger!

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings, Work Rant3 Comments

WARNING: This is a long rant to read since it’s my first in forever

Another point of this blog is to allow others to have an inside look into the life of an addict. What a recovering or active addict thinks, feels and goes through in the daily life. Ideally for me a reflection of my day and how I dealt with any issues that came up (and I have plenty). So there is never a better place to start then today.

First, I am currently not sober again. I returned to sobriety at the beginning of the year. I held my sobriety for two months on my own (problem 1). Then life threw screwballs at me and I said “screw it”. The point is, I didn’t have the support I needed to continue my sobriety. So here we are.

As you know from the previous post, I fell into a depressive state lately. Work, home, no social life, financials issues, my drinking. It just all got to me. I was literally in daze for four days. I ended up going to work on Wednesday but then calling in sick on Thursday.

My daily routine is to wake up at 830pm, feed my cats, get dressed for work, make sure the daily reading(s) are scheduled to post at the appropriate time. Wait outside for my ride to work. What is really sad is I texted my fellow co-worker/neighbor to pick me up to drive me to work on his day off! I thought is was still Thursday, not Friday???

Background work: Walmart

In 2018, I moved to where I currently live after going to rehab for the second time and living in a supportive living program here in town. I finally got a job at Wal-mart as a stocker. I ended up working for two and a half years before I took a leave of absence (I quit withdrew my 401K and stocks) for three months but couldn’t find another job. I reapplied and it took a month for them to ask me back for an interview. HR hired me on the spot and I have thus continued my employment.

Work has a HUGE STRESS impact on me. I wish I could find another job but I don’t drive and there is nothing comparable to the wages that I currently earn there. So, I just deal with it or try to or don’t. It’s a shite show every single day I go into work.

Coaches (managers) don’t communicate to themselves (personal issues) nor to team leads (supervisors) comminate with themselves. You can all six the same question and you get six different answers. Then there are the associates. OMfG, Walmart hires anyone who can breathe (which I understand since we are always short on Associates on the overnight/graveyard, night shift.) I stop there before I get into deep things. Since this is a public post I don’t want get in trouble. However, I will give you an example of what I went through tonight.

For many months now I have been working strictly in the dairy department. That would be the yogurt wall, cheese wall, butter wall and meat wall (bacon, sausages, lunch meats, etc. <- which we call 97 [a department code].) Typically 2nd shift breaks down our pallets and we run the charts. One would usually run creamers and drinks, while the other(s) would run the other charts. On average we have about four to six pallets of freight down stacked (broken down) to 8 carts on average. Typically I have two or three people depending on the load and how many associates we have on shift.

Tonight we had six pallets. Basically a pallet and a half of creamers/drinks and the other were all dairy/97. So my associate decides to do drinks. I’m fine with that, as I am nursing a bad leg at present (more on that later). I assumed he would help me break down the rest of the pallets to carts….nope. The selfish ahole took four plus hours for drinks (which is average) while I broke down the rest of the pallets leaving one at half since it looked like all 97 – meat wall stuff.

So breaking down a palette includes….

  • 1 or more charts for the yogurt wall (three today)
  • 1 or more charts for the cheese wall (four today)
  • 1 or more charts for the butter wall (one and a half)
  • 1 or more for 97 [the meat wall] two today)
  • 1 or more carts for Deli and another 1 or two for Deli meats
  • Summary: 10 charts for my department and another two for Deli all down stacked by myself???

At the end of the day, we got it done. But still there were even more issues I had to deal with.

Walmart LIngo: Facings are how many stacks of product side by side. Cap count is the maximum number of product on the shelf. Corporate sets these, however we may change them (which we souldn’t but do) because we’re an older store and don’t have the right shelves, etc. We are actually getting remodeled next year to hopefully correct that problem.

After down stacking one pallet I decided to run freight because I don’t have carts to put another pallet on. Why? Because jackasses leave random shit on carts all through the building because they are lazy and don’t clean up from themselves. Then other people just leave ’em because “I didn’t do it”. Yet, management expects the carts we use at the end of the night to be clean so when first shift comes in they have available carts. Wait…what? You don’t hold the other shifts to the same standards at third shift? I call bullshite when I see it!! But nothing is done.

Cheese wall first. My pet peeve is then people stock shreded cheese in the finely shreded cheese and vice versa. I happens all the time. Or the make a new facing when I product should only be two, but they make there becase the box the opened has more then appriate for the shelf cap. No one gives a shit, but it’s expected someone takes the time to fix it and it’s always me. Why? Because other product won’t fit and management throughs a fit because it shows up on their reports that something wasn’t stocked that should be.

This is with all other sections too! Who to they blame? I’m the one who hears it because now our technology allows Coaches to assign tasks to Associates and we are responsible for signing off on them when they are done. Then when they do a ‘walk’ (1st shift walks with 3rd shift to learn what happened through the night) someone comments on how such and such wasn’t done. Who gets the finger pointed? Me. Honestly, it’s not as bad as it sounds. The point is there is not accountability for ANY of the Associates. Out teamleads usually come around 15 minutes before breaks and lunch (1145pm, 0145am and 0545am). Sometimes they ask, “How you are doing?”. Lately, they don’t even ask.

Tonight, help would have been appreciated by my fellow Associate and perhaps another Assocaite to help with any other freight not run. Nope. No one cares because we always getting it done regardless of the number of associates. However, those of us who take pride in our jobs get angry because we have to pull the weight and get things done. On the other hand, the other Associates are not “coached” (warned, written up, etc.) about their productivity. It’s just so exhausting. People can handle it, “Yeah whatever, I don’t care, nor do they.” Versus, me, “Damn wrong. I have a work ethic. If something is asked of me I do it. I don’t need the compliments that it’s done. However, if I have other Associates working with me, don’t blame me. I’m not a Teamlead (nor ever will be or higher). That is your job and you guys/gals fail at it on a daily basis.

Summary:

Work is a HUGE stress factor in my life. Many of you are thinking, “Why not change jobs.” I simply can’t. First, I don’t drive. Second, there is only one company who pays similar or more then I get paid now. That’s running a mechanical line of metal objects all night long. First, not for me. Second, I don’t have transportation to get there if I could. All the other jobs in the area pay much less than I make now.

What can I do? I TELL myself something a team lead (supervisor) told me years go, “You’re here to earn a paycheck. Just come in, do you job and come home!” Ummm…no. I’m not that type of person. There are reasons certainly policies are put in place, yet everyone just ignores ’em. Then they blame the more experienced Associate for THEIR failures. It’s so frustrating. I try my best to do what I need to do with no complaints and go home, but there is always something I find that isn’t right screwing us up. We get so much unnecessary freight each night because no one gives a shite. For example, ten pieces of product are on the shelf, yet I just received twelve more. The reason being is because people put more product on the shelf then required and our keeps reordering more product since it was sold. It’s just madness. People just don’t comprehend the process and thus ‘cus the various problems.

Alright, I’m done. Whether you understood what I went through or not. I need to prepare myself for bed to get up and go back to the circus.

Thank you for listening!

My Humble Apology

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings10 Comments

First, I want to humbly apologize for not posting the last couple of days. This is not me at all. I fell into a deep depressive state. I reached out to a therapist and we had our first video meeting on Thursday. This will continue weekly until such time our goals are met. Thus things (mentally for me) aren’t back to normal but I hope the sessions we brings me back to some sort of healthy mental state.

You should be able to view today’s reading and/or get an email if you haven’t already. I will go back and post the previous missing days shortly, thus you may get more emails at once. Also people have reached out to me via email or on a post. Thank you for thinking about me. I will respond to those shortly too!

Lastly, I will begin journaling on a daily basis (as recommended by my therapist). I write about how my day went, what I went through, what troubled me, how I got through it, etc. There may be times I just ramble. We’ll just have to see. I’m not sure how they will affect the readings. I assume since I post the readings at 1205am EST, my journaling will not take place until 800is am EST. We’ll work out any kinks later.

I really do appreciate all the support and the concern for my well being. It’s nice to hear this blog is reaching out and affecting people as intended. Your cumulative support as given me the spark to put under my arse and get things straight again.

Thank you everyone for your support!

DR – May 17, 2025

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery ReadingsLeave a comment

Daily Recovery Readings
May 17, 2025

Daily Reflection

. . . AND FORGIVE

“Under very trying conditions I have had, again and again, to forgive others – also myself.” — AS BILL SEES IT, p. 268

Forgiveness of self and forgiveness of others are just two currents in the same river, both hindered or shut off completely by the dam of resentment. Once that dam is lifted, both currents can flow. The Steps of A.A. allow me to see how resentment has built up and subsequently blocked off this flow in my life. The Steps provide a way by which my resentments may – by the grace of God as I understand Him – be lifted. It is as a result of this solution that I can find the necessary grace which enables me to forgive myself and others.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Into Action, pg. 83~

24 Hours a Day – The Little Black Book

Thought for the Day

A lot of well meaning people treat an alcoholic like the priest and the Levite. They pass by on the other side by scorning him and telling him what a low person he is, with no willpower. Whereas, he really has fallen for alcohol, in the same way as the man in the story fell among robbers. And the member of A.A. who is working with others is like the Good Samaritan. Am I moved with compassion? Do I take care of another alcoholic whenever I can?

Meditation for the Day

I must constantly live in preparation for something better to come. All of life is a preparation for some thing better. I must anticipate the morning to come. I must feel, in the night of sorrow, that understanding joy that tells of confident expectation of better things to come. “Sorrow may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” Know that God has something better in store for you, as long as you are making yourself ready for it. All your existence in this world is a training for a better life to come.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that when life is over, I will return to an eternal, spaceless life with God. I pray that I may make this life a preparation for a better life to come.

The Language of Letting Go – Codependency

Boundaries

Sometimes, life and people seem to push and push. Because we are so used to pain, we may tell ourselves it doesn’t hurt. Because we are so used to people controlling and manipulating us, we may tell ourselves there is something wrong with us.

There’s nothing wrong with us. Life is pushing and hurting to get our attention. Sometimes, the pain and pushing are pointing toward a lesson. The lesson may be that we’ve become too controlling. Or maybe we’re being pushed to own our power to take care of ourselves. The issue is boundaries.

If something or somebody is pushing us to our limit, that’s exactly what’s happening: we’re being pushed to our limits. We can be grateful for the lesson that’s here to help us explore and set our boundaries.

Today, I will give myself permission to set the limits I want and need to set in my life.

Touchstone – Men’s Meditation

“What sort of God would it be who only pushed from without?”

—Goethe

Oh, we hate to be pushed! We get upset and angry when someone is pushing on us. What man likes it? Sometimes God does pushing, and it takes a while for us to realize it is God’s pressure on us that we feel. Our natural reaction is to resist and push back.

When we keep getting headaches or stomachaches, maybe we should listen for the message. An unsettled feeling in our lives about women, money, health, work, or something else may carry a message for us. God might be pushing from within. In this program we try to develop our ability to hear God’s will for us. Sometimes a problem is, in fact, a spiritual message. When we stop resisting and start listening, we soon grow wiser and stronger.

God, your message is not always clear to me. Today, I will try to put aside my own habit of pushing back so I can have a clearer mind to receive it.

Elder’s Meditation

“If the Great Spirit wanted men to stay in one place He would make the world stand still; but He made it to always change…”

–Chief Flying Hawk, OGLALA SIOUX

The Elders tell us change occurs in two directions. They say, “That which is built is constantly being destroyed; that which is loose is being used to build the new.” In other words, change is constantly going on. Many times we hear people say, “I hate change.” Does it make sense that the Great Spirit would design people to hate it? The Great Spirit designed people with change abilities such as visioning, imagery and imagination. Maybe we need to learn to use these tools and then we’ll look forward to change.

Great Spirit, today, let me see the harmony of Yours, truly changing world.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Letting your friends shake you out of a rut could be worth it today. As the vibrant Sun conjoins wild Uranus in your social 11th house, you might find it unsettling that the group’s activities are moving in a direction you wouldn’t have chosen — and can’t seem to control. Set aside time to ask yourself if anything truly dangerous is happening. Be realistic about the potential threat level. If you can handle it, your eventual reward may include deeper relationships. Consider taking the risk.