Author: mikeykjr

This blog reflects the thoughts and feelings of a gay, alcoholic/addict. Sobriety, for me, is the #1 priority in life. I wouldn't be here today without the dedication to my own sobriety. I hope through this site, I can help others battling with an addiction, struggling with recovery or those looking for a better understanding of an addict and what we go through in life. I tend to write long, rambling posts, so grab some coffee, get comfortable and enjoy yourself. Also, subscribe/follow!

Just Being in the Present

On By mikeykjrIn Personal

I haven’t written a personal entry in quite a while. I’m quite okay with nothing worthy to write about in my life right now. There are times when I’m content with where I am, what I’m doing with no worries in the world. I relish these days.

My old Sponsor is trying to contact me again. At first, it brought up a little anger. I wanted to reply, “The world doesn’t revolve around you . . . ” Instead I’ve simply replied, “I’m doing fine, thank you.” Simple, eloquent, end of story.

With unexpected expenses in April, I’m back at square one for moving closer to work. At first, it felt my dreams where ripped from me for no reason. But I came to the conclusion perhaps its not the best time. I was moving forward with such haste I wasn’t looking at the whole picture. Basically, I have to plan better and really do my research. There is another house for rent in Candor, actually right next to the trailer I was going to rent but fell through, so I’ve put in a call with no response. However, as summer approaches I’m sure my research and opportunities will get better. I just have to be patient and give it time.

Meanwhile, I’m content with where I am at today. My life may be dull at the moment but it gives me time to reflect on what I really want to do in the future. The weather is beginning to improve so I’m concentrating on doing something small but enjoyable, for myself on my days off. Most of the Winter I’ve been cooped up in this house glued to this computer. It’s time to clear the cobwebs from Winter. I need to get out, even if its just me, to enjoy the Spring and Summer.

DR – Apr 27, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

<h1>Daily Recovery Readings
April 27, 2017</h1>

<h2><b><u>Daily Reflection</u></b></h2>

JOYFUL DISCOVERIES

<i>We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.</i>
— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 164

Sobriety is a journey of joyful discovery. Each day brings new experience, awareness, greater hope, deeper faith, broader tolerance. I must maintain these attributes or I will have nothing to pass on.
Great events for this recovering alcoholic are the normal everyday joys found in being able to live another day in God’s grace.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

<h2><b><u>Big Book Quote</u></b></h2>

<i>”Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be.”</i>

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Into Action, pg. 79~
<h2><b><u>Keep It Simple</u></b></h2>

<i>I noticed my hopelessness was because I had lost my freedom of choice.<i>—AA member

By doing a Fourth Step, we start to see ourselves more clearly. We see how we’ve acted against ourselves. Soon, we hear a little voice inside telling us to stop before we act. “Are you sure you want to say or do that?” the little voice asks. Then we make a choice: we do something the same old way, or we try a new way. One part of us will always want to do things the old, sick way. This is natural. But we’re getting stronger every day. Our spirit wants to learn new ways so we can be honest and loving. Sometimes we don’t know how. But we still have a choice. We can ask for help.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me listen to the little voice inside that helps me see that I have choices.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll make a choice between old ways and new ways of acting. I will call my sponsor this evening to talk about my choices.

<h2><b><u>Daily Horoscope – Cancer</u></b></h2>

You can rely on your friends and coworkers to support your efforts today. Magically, people seem to show up with the right skill or piece of information just as you need it. Thankfully, the Moon’s receptivity in your 11th House of Networks enables your actions to resonate within your larger group or community. Nevertheless, you might worry that trouble is brewing beneath the surface. There is no reason to be shy; ask questions to bring unspoken feelings out into the open. Author Terry Pratchett wrote, “The best research you can do is to talk to people.”

DR – Apr 26, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
April 26, 2017

Daily Reflection

HAPPINESS IS NOT THE POINT

I don’t think happiness or unhappiness is the point. How do we meet the problems we face? How do we best learn from them and transmit what we have learned to others, if they would receive the knowledge?
— AS BILL SEES IT, p. 306

In my search “to be happy,” I changed jobs, married and divorced, took geographical cures, and ran myself into debt—financially, emotionally and spiritually. In A.A., I’m learning to grow up. Instead of demanding that people, places and things make me happy, I can ask God for self-acceptance. When a problem overwhelms me, A.A.’s Twelve Steps will help me grow through the pain. The knowledge I gain can be a gift to others who suffer with the same problem. As Bill said, “When pain comes, we are expected to learn from it willingly, and help others to learn. When happiness comes, we accept it as a gift, and thank God for it.” (As Bill Sees It, p. 306)

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn’t.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, We Agnostics, pg. 53~

Keep It Simple

Too many people miss the silver lining because they’re expecting gold.—Maurice Setter

Silver shines as bright as gold does. So often we forget this. So often we push, push, push. We forget to live for the moment. Trying too hard can be a defect of character. It can be a way we avoid life. Gratitude, being thankful, is key part of recovery. Not just gratitude for getting our self-respect back. Not just gratitude for having a Higher Power. But gratitude for the moment. We’re alive again. Let’s see each moment as a time to explore life..

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, thanks for helping me to enjoy each moment. I have gratitude for being alive.

Action for the Day:
I’ll list ten gifts of recovery for which I have gratitude.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Solid opportunities to build enduring relationships with your peers add richness to your world. The sensible Taurus New Moon highlights your 11th House of Groups, strengthening your social network and increasing your popularity. Nevertheless, it’s up to you to make the first move. Taking the lead and sharing your goals shifts the dynamics and turns a casual acquaintance into a lasting friendship. It may seem risky to initiate a conversation, but a well-intended overture to the right person could benefit you for a long time to come. If you don’t take a chance, you don’t stand a chance.

DR – Apr 25, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
April 25, 2017

Daily Reflection

ENTERING A NEW DIMENSION

In the late stages of our drinking, the will to resist has fled. Yet when we admit complete defeat and when we become entirely ready to try A.A. principles, our obsession leaves us and we enter a new dimension—freedom under God as we understand Him.
— AS BILL SEES IT, p. 283

I am fortunate to be among the ones who have had this awesome transformation in my life. When I entered the doors of A.A., alone and desperate, I had been beaten into willingness to believe anything I heard. One of the things I heard was, “This could be your last hangover, or you can keep going round and round.” The man who said this obviously was a whole lot better off than I. I liked the idea of admitting defeat and I have been free ever since! My heart heard what my mind never could: “Being powerless over alcohol is no big deal.” I’m free and I’m grateful!

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, pg. 62~

Keep It Simple

You’re never to old to grow up.—Shirley Conran

Some of us have spent many years trying not to grow up. As children, we watched the adults around us. They may not have seemed happy. “Is life all hard work for grown-ups?” we wondered. No, it’s not hard work. There are lots of good things about growing up. We can take charge of our life. We can learn to take care of ourselves. We can learn to share feelings with good friends. We can make our world safe enough for us to express feelings again. We learn how to love others. We do have choices.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me grow up into a happy, grateful adult.

Action for the Day:
There are happy grown-ups. I’ll find one to be my sponsor.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

An unbalanced situation at work may be creating a funky tension between you and your coworkers. It seems as if it’s best to ignore your feelings today, since your words are likely to be upsetting to others. Unfortunately, your silence only feeds the negative energy. Ironically, speaking up is the fastest path to reestablishing equilibrium. It’s your turn to strike like lightning and shock others with the truth. Hopefully, the calm after the storm will be proof you did the right thing.

DR – Apr 24, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
April 24, 2017

Daily Reflection

LEARNING TO LOVE OURSELVES

Alcoholism was a lonely business, even though we were surrounded by people who loved us. . . . We were trying to find emotional security either by dominating or by being dependent upon others. . . . We still vainly tried to be secure by some unhealthy sort of domination or dependence.
— AS BILL SEES IT, p. 252

When I did my personal inventory I found that I had unhealthy relationships with most people in my life—my friends and family, for example. I always felt isolated and lonely. I drank to dull emotional pain.

It was through staying sober, having a good sponsor and working the Twelve Steps that I was able to build up my low self-esteem. First the Twelve Steps taught me to become my own best friend, and then, when I was able to love myself, I could reach out and love others.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“We have begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look on them as sick people.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, Pg. 70~

Keep It Simple

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn.—David Russell

Making big decisions is like crossing bridges. Sometimes, these decisions change our lives. We find that turning back will be very hard. This is why we have to be very careful when we decide to burn bridges. When we decide to make changes, we act carefully. We don’t want to make decisions out of anger or envy. Instead , we can think about what we want and how our program can help us make wise decisions.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me cross those bridges that are on my path.

Action for the Day:
What do I really want in life? What decisions do I need to make to get there?

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Your interactions tend to grow emotional only when you’re in the company of those you trust. You’re unable to decide how much you want to reveal today because you’re afraid of placing yourself in a vulnerable position. It’s prudent to keep your feelings in check now, since you could easily overwhelm people with your intensity, especially at work. Your associates may not share your desire to dredge water up from the bottom of the well. Taking the rational route enables you to make your point without upsetting or offending anyone along the way.

DR – Apr 23, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings1 Comment

Daily Recovery Readings
April 23, 2017

Daily Reflection

A.A. IS NOT A CURE-ALL

It would be a product of false pride to claim that A.A. is a cure-all, even for alcoholism.
— AS BILL SEES IT, p. 285

In my early years of sobriety I was full of pride, thinking that A.A. was the only source of treatment for a good and happy life. It certainly was the basic ingredient for my sobriety and even today, with over twelve years in the program, I am very involved in meetings, sponsorship and service. During the first four years of my recovery, I found it necessary to seek professional help, since my emotional health was extremely poor. There are those folks too, who have found sobriety and happiness in other organizations. A.A. taught me that I had a choice: to go to any lengths to enhance my sobriety. A.A. may not be a cure-all for everything, but it is the center of my sober living.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“Although financial recovery is on the way for many of us, we found we could not place money first. For us, material well being always followed spiritual progress; it never preceded.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, The Family Afterward, pg. 127~

Keep It Simple

When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen. — Ernest Hemingway

It’s hard to listen in a complete way. Often we listen, but we’re still thinking about ourselves. We wonder, “How do their words relate to me? Do I have anything to add?” Often, fear is behind these questions. We fear saying the wrong thing. We fear looking stupid. Good listeners know how to let go of their fears. To listen completely, we step outside ourselves, and we’re totally there for someone else. Sometimes we listen for only a few moments. Sometimes we don’t even agree with the people we’re listening to. But we let them know that they count. What a gift we give when we listen in a complete way!

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, teach me to listen in a complete way. Teach me to step outside myself and be their for others.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll listen to what the person says.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Your energy doesn’t express directly today, making others unsure about where you stand. However, you want to be heard and could make multiple attempts at communicating your perspective. But the noise of the cosmos is blowing up a storm that threatens your emotional security and drowns out your voice. You aren’t happy about being put on the spot; you might even seriously consider walking away from the whole situation. Don’t give up until you exhaust all options. A river cuts through rock, not because of its power, but because of its persistence.

DR – Apr 22, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
April 22, 2017

Daily Reflection

NEW SOIL . . . NEW ROOTS

Moments of perception can build into a lifetime of spiritual serenity, as I have excellent reason to know. Roots of reality, supplanting the neurotic underbrush, will hold fast despite the high winds of the forces which would destroy us, or which we would use to destroy ourselves.
— AS BILL SEES IT, p. 173

I came to A.A. green—a seedling quivering with exposed taproots. It was for survival but it was a beginning. I stretched, developed, twisted, but with the help of others, my spirit eventually burst up from the roots. I was free. I acted, withered, went inside, prayed, acted again, understood anew, as one moment of perception struck. Up from my roots, spirit-arms lengthened into strong, green shoots: high-springing servants stepping skyward.

Here on earth God unconditionally continues the legacy of higher love. My A.A. life put me “on a different footing . . . [my] roots grasped a new soil” ( Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 12).

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“More than most people the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation but knows in his heart he doesnt deserve it.”
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Into Action, pg. 73~

Keep It Simple

One meets his destiny often on the road one takes to avoid it.—French proverb

None of us, perhaps, ever thought we’d end up in recovery. But we were working at joining recovery years before we got here! Maybe recovery was our fate from the day we first took a drink or a pill. Others around us could see the writing on the wall, but we couldn’t. We were to busy trying to avoid the pain. Alcoholism and other drug abuse have to do with us trying to find spiritual wholeness— the kind of spiritual wholeness we’re finding now. . .in recovery. So, let’s welcome recovery into our lives. We have found our spiritual home.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, I got lost because I acted like I knew the way to a good life. You lead the way. Thank-you for putting me on the right track.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll think about why it’s my fate to be in recovery. I will list ways that I try to avoid my fate.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You may still be licking your wounds from a recent emotional skirmish, but the tide has shifted and you can see the clear skies ahead. In the meantime, your imagination is untethered from the events in your life. No one can prevent you from embarking on your physical or metaphysical travels now. But this newly found freedom is built on a lack of constraint, which could make you feel slightly nervous. Fight your fear or pay the price of regret. Basketball Coach Jerry Dunn said, “Don’t limit your challenges, challenge your limits.”

DR – Apr 21, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
April 20, 2017

Daily Reflection

CULTIVATING FAITH

“I don’t think we can do anything very well in this world unless we practice it. And I don’t believe we do A.A. too well unless we practice it. . . . We should practice . . . acquiring the spirit of service. We should attempt to acquire some faith, which isn’t easily done, especially for the person who has always been very materialistic, following the standards of society today. But I think faith can be acquired; it can be acquired slowly; it has to be cultivated. That was not easy for me, and I assume that it is difficult for everyone else. . . .”
— DR. BOB AND THE GOOD OLDTIMERS, pp. 307-08

Fear is often the force that prevents me from acquiring and cultivating the power of faith. Fear blocks my appreciation of beauty, tolerance, forgiveness, service, and serenity.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

3rd Step Prayer:

“God, I offer myself to Thee —to build with me and to do with
me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better
do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may
bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy
Way of life. May I do Thy will always!”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, pg. 63~

Keep It Simple

A great obstacle to happiness is to expect too much happiness.—Fontenelle

Our disease is sometimes call the disease of “always wanting more.”
We push ourselves to get as much pleasure as we could. If one was good , two was better.
We didn’t see that what we were lacking was faith.
At times in recovery, we still crave “more.”

We must pay attention to these cravings. When we have a craving, maybe we’re scared, and our Higher Power is trying to tell us that, if we have faith, we’ll be taken care of. Perhaps our Higher Power just has a message of love for us. All we need to do is listen. It may be that this is only “more” we really need.

Prayer for the Day:
I pray to see my as spiritual needs. I pray to turn to my Higher Power instead of to alcohol or other drugs.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll think about how much recovery has given me. I will share this with a friend and with my Higher Power.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Working long hours isn’t very much fun, yet it may lead to personal satisfaction when you reflect on the minor sacrifices you made in the name of success. In fact, meeting deadlines can be turned into a game that you actually win today. But instead of crossing one item at a time off your list, make optimal use of enterprising Mars by jumping all around on your agenda. Shaking up your work schedule keeps your energy reserves high and prevents you from getting bored. Hank Williams, Jr. sang, “Go on and do things your own way.” There’s nothing to be gained by conforming to mediocrity.

Moral Inventory

On By mikeykjrIn Personal, Work Rant1 Comment

Recovery is a life long process. I am not perfect. There are times in my life where I can fall flat on my face. But those are times when I need to look at my defects of character, taking a moral inventory, to learn from my mistakes. After reading some other recovery blogs, I responded to another that perhaps such would help them in their situation. I came to realize I was the one that needed a hard look at my moral inventory.

I strive to work with others at work.  Sometimes it is very difficult if the other party is unwilling to do the same. I simply try to do my best at avoiding any situations that raise my temper. I admit I can be a hot head knowing it will get very ugly if I let my temper get the best of me. My anger is my number one defect of character I try to work on daily.

There is one person who knows how to push my buttons. She knows she is in complete control and grinds me to the ground every time we work together.  The other day I didn’t walk away. Instead I chose to stand my ground. When someone accuses me and such accusations may jeopardize my career – we have problems! I blew up at her. Unfortunately, the event took place  in front of other employees, residents and the supervisor on the floor.  It was a terrible incident.  After it was all said and done, I accepted my part and any consequences of my actions.

Thankfully yesterday was my day off. I tried not the think of the incident, letting it go. But it kept creeping back to the forefront of my thinking. There is definitely a resentment building. With that resentment is anger. Usually anger is triggered by fear.

Today all I can think of is this quote from Yoda, in Star Wars:

yoda_fear

At this point, I’m not sure what I should do, if anything. If I’m approached regarding the situation, I will be honest and accept any consequences. However, there is a greater chance this may not even go any further.

Par of me is not worried about the accusation at all. My supervisor piped in during the argument, “…that is false, to my knowledge.” She also gave me accolades on my job performance. I also learned she was displeased with this same individual while working with her on the floor (third party information). This individual also had another incident with another employee the previous day, then simply left the job an hour early after it was over. Therefore, she might be digging her own hole.

Yet, part of me worries if it does come back to haunt me. Recently, there have been a string of employees who have left or been terminated for various reasons. Again, part of me says, “If it happens, so be it.” But the other part of me fears the termination of my employment.

For now, I’m not going to do anything until approached.  I believe, for now, it’s the best solution. If I were to add more to the incident, I could be adding more fuel to the fire. Instead I’ll trust in my Higher Power – everything is okay. In time, she will have to deal with her own karma.

 

DR – Apr 20, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
April 19, 2017

Daily Reflection

SELF-EXAMINATION

. . . we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.
— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 86

When said sincerely, this prayer teaches me to be truly unselfish and humble, for even in doing good deeds I often used to seek approval and glory for myself. By examining my motives in all that I do, I can be of service to God and others, helping them do what they want to do. When I put God in charge of my thinking, much needless worry is eliminated and I believe He guides me throughout the day. When I eliminate thoughts of self-pity, dishonesty and self-centeredness as soon as they enter my mind, I find peace with God, my neighbor and myself.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, There Is A Solution, pg. 25~

Keep It Simple

A great obstacle to happiness is to expect too much happiness.—Fontenelle

Our disease is sometimes call the disease of “always wanting more.” We push ourselves to get as much pleasure as we could. If one was good , two was better. We didn’t see that what we were lacking was faith. At times in recovery, we still crave “more.” We must pay attention to these cravings. When we have a craving, maybe we’re scared, and our Higher Power is trying to tell us that, if we have faith, we’ll be taken care of. Perhaps our Higher Power just has a message of love for us. All we need to do is listen. It may be that this is only “more” we really need.

Prayer for the Day:
I pray to see my as spiritual needs. I pray to turn to my Higher Power instead of to alcohol or other drugs.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll think about how much recovery has given me. I will share this with a friend and with my Higher Power.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Discussions at the water cooler and chat conversations online are not distractions from your life. Rather than an accessory, they are part of the fabric to your world. In fact, an informal exchange could turn into a significant interaction that impacts the direction of your career. Don’t be afraid of entertaining all possibilities now; stretching your mind by remaining open to the craziest ideas invites more options to enter the dialogue. From little things, big things grow.