Author: mikeykjr

This blog reflects the thoughts and feelings of a gay, alcoholic/addict. Sobriety, for me, is the #1 priority in life. I wouldn't be here today without the dedication to my own sobriety. I hope through this site, I can help others battling with an addiction, struggling with recovery or those looking for a better understanding of an addict and what we go through in life. I tend to write long, rambling posts, so grab some coffee, get comfortable and enjoy yourself. Also, subscribe/follow!

DR – Mar 26, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings1 Comment

Daily Recovery Readings
March 26, 2017

Daily Reflection

THE TEACHING IS NEVER OVER

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you—until then.

— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 164

These words put a lump in my throat each time I read them. In the beginning it was because I felt, “Oh no! The teaching is over. Now I’m on my own. It will never be this new again.” Today I feel deep affection for our A.A. pioneers when I read this passage, realizing that it sums up all of what I believe in, and strive for, and that—with God’s blessing—the teaching is never over, I’m never on my own, and every day is brand new.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him. If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning. That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, pg. 70~

Keep It Simple

We are here to add what we can to, not to get what we can get from, Life.   ~Sir William Osler

Service is a word we hear in our recovery program. Service means work we do for others. It’s the backbone of our program. The reason is simple. Service to our Higher Power and to others breaks down our wanting to be self-centered. Service brings us back into the world. We really are part of the group when we pitch in to make coffee, set up chairs, or talk in meetings. We really feel like part of the family when we run errands and help with meals and housework. We really connect with our Higher Power when we pray, “Use me today to help others.” Service breaks down the feeling of being alone that being self -centered brings.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me to be of service to You and others. Show me what is needed.

Action for the Day: Today will be a service day. I’ll see how valued I am. I’ll give to others, knowing that I, too, will receive.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

New information on the job front may make you second guess your course. You don’t want to let go of something that has been a constant in your life, but gripping tightly to an ideal that has become brittle will only cause it to crumble faster. Fortunately, when the pieces fall away there might be something even better underneath. Being brave enough to open your eyes when it feels safer to keep them shut is the first step to recovering from an unsettling realization. Reconsidering your options today can set you on an exciting new trajectory at work tomorrow.

Treating Myself

On By mikeykjrIn Personal

As I was driving to Hallstead, PA, for cigarettes, a thought came to my mind.  I haven’t been to the Mohegan Sun Pocono Casino in quite a long time. I talk about treating myself for all the hard work that I’ve put in lately.  Why not? It’s a nice drive, the weather is good, I get free food (if my previous points haven’t expired) and it would be good to get out of the house.

Interesting thing, perhaps the Witchy side of me at work, I decided to pick up some incense with at Smokin’ Joes.  Looking through the selection, I always get sandalwood, my favorite.  But I wanted something different for a change.  I picked up 10 sandalwood, 10 jasmine and 10 patchouli.  I was curious to see the properties of the incense.  I was surprised to learn that both jasmine and patchouli have money attraction or wealth associated with them.  So before I head on my road trip, I have some burning.

I do have to caution myself.  In the past I had a gambling addiction.  In the last nine years of my sobriety, it’s popped up here and there.  But I’ve become more responsible as time grows. I limit the amount I take and leave all cards at home.  I can’t go wrong!

The car has gas, the tire pressures are good, oil checked and I’m excited to go.

It would be nice if the Gods blessed me tonight!  If They don’t, I’ll still have a good time.

Getting Off the Rollercoaster

On By mikeykjrIn Personal

“Please stay seated as the cars enter the terminal. Once the train comes to a complete stop you may depart. Please enjoy your day.” The last week feels like I just got off another rollercoaster. My Sponsor and I, despite what he believes right now, aren’t exactly on good terms. I’ve turned into a workaholic lately, partially because of my own selfishness and other times its beyond my control. An ongoing relationship with an incarcerated individual finally came full circle; karma kicks his arse – again. Yet, through all the ups and down this week, I truly believe my future will bring new beginnings.

A post this week, A Short Fuse, I wrote about my relationship with my Sponsor. Despite what he believes, I don’t think that this relationship is salvageable. Here we are full circle again, a rough time in the relationship and I feel I just need to get off. It’s just not healthy for either of us.

I’m become a workaholic. Monday I worked 3 p.m. to 7 a.m. because a third shift employee called in unable to work. In that case, I was mandated having no other choice but to work a full shift. However, once you are mandated for the week, typically you are free to choose otherwise if it happens again. Last night, two employees called unable to work on third shift. I had already started working at 12 p.m. at the request of my Director of Nursing (DON) and another employee left at 9 p.m. to return at 4 a.m. to relive me. Only she didn’t show up at 4 a.m. nor did she show up at 7 a.m., as scheduled. Thus, I worked a 19 hour day (12 p.m. to 7 a.m., if I’m doing the math right?) However, I told them I would NOT be working this evening, which was granted with no questions asked. I need rest before I get as sick as some of our residents recently.

I ate my McDonalds (breakfast, lunch and dinner) on the couch, I passed out at some point only to wake up to the loud, pounding of drums from the downstairs neighbor. It’s not his fault; he can only assume that I work a normal 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. shift. So I’ve been up a couple of hours doing little things before I head back to work.

Not surprisingly, I received a letter from my friend who is incarcerated in an Upstate prison. I haven’t heard from him in two weeks, yet the last time we spoke I knew that bad things were brewing in his corner. As he wrote me, “It was a matter of time before I got sent to the box. Now I’m here until May 15th.” Apparently, he was involved in an altercation. Again, a good thing for both of us. I knew he was reverting back to his old ways which would eventually lead him to this situation but he ignored my warnings. It’s nothing I can control. It provides me a breather from the exhausting communications via phone that were beginning to get out of hand.

I asked for this. I prayed for a period of peace for myself to take care of myself. Now I can. Though I have worked long hours, the funds are helping to secure a new home closer to work in the near future. For those of us working during Storm Stella, we received an unexpected bonus last week. I was also reimbursed for my hotel expenses. There is the overtime pay too.

The 30 inches of snow laid down last week by Stella is almost non-existent due to warmer temperatures and recent rains. Spring is beginning to bring about change. A change I’m looking forward to in my life. The rollercoaster has come to an end.

DR – Mar 25, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
March 25, 2017

Daily Reflection

A FULL AND THANKFUL HEART

I try hard to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one’s heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know.
— AS BILL SEES IT, p. 37

I believe that we in Alcoholics Anonymous are fortunate in that we are constantly reminded of the need to be grateful and of how important gratitude is to our sobriety. I am truly grateful for the sobriety God has given me through the A.A. program and am glad I can give back what was given to me freely. I am grateful not only for sobriety, but for the quality of life my sobriety has brought. God has been gracious enough to give me sober days and a life blessed with peace and contentment, as well as the ability to give and receive love, and the opportunity to serve others—in our Fellowship, my family and my community. For all of this, I have “a full and thankful heart.”

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“On the other hand — and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand — once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever
solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire
for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a
few simple rules.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, The Doctors Opinion, pg. xxix~

Keep It Simple

The artist who aims at perfection in everything achieves it in nothing.—Eugene Delacroix

Trying to be prefect puts distance between us and our Higher Power. Trying to be perfect shows we’re ashamed of being human. In recovery, we accept that we’re human. We try to be the best human we can be. We used to get high to feel powerful and god-like. But God is not just power. God is also gentleness. Gentleness and love are the power we look for on recovery. We work to be human. We work to know the loving, gentle side of ourselves and our Higher Power. Remember, if we try to be god, we’ll fail. If we try to be human, we’ll win.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me give up trying to be perfect. Help me always keep in mind that I’m human—which means, I’m not perfect.

Action for the Day:
Part of being human is making mistakes. Today, I’ll see my mistakes as chances to learn.

************************************************** *********

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You want to make the very most of your aptitudes and leave a good impression today. You’re willing to put some extra time into your appearance, following the advice to dress for the job you want. You’re eager to review your current progress and evaluate how best to proceed while the visionary Pisces Moon floats through your 9th House of Long-Term Goals. Although you may not be a paragon of success quite yet, patience with yourself and faith in the process can carry you a long way toward achieving your dreams.

DR – Mar 24, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
March 24, 2017

Daily Reflection

ACTIVE, NOT PASSIVE, p. 92

Man is supposed to think, and act. He wasn’t made to God’s image to be an automation.

~As Bill Sees It, p. 55

Before I joined A.A., I often did not think, and reacted to people and situations. When not reacting I acted in a mechanical fashion. After joining A.A., I started seeking daily guidance from a Power greater than myself, and learning to listen for that guidance. Then I began to make decisions and act on them, rather than react to them. The results have been constructive; I no longer allow others to make decisions for me and then criticize me for it.

Today–and every day–with a heart full of gratitude, and a desire for God’s will to be done through me, my life is worth sharing, especially with my fellow alcoholics! Above all, if I do not make a religion out of anything, even A.A., then I can be an open channel for God’s
expression.

Big Book Quote

“…the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, There Is A Solution, Page 23~

Keep It Simple

Love your enemy it will drive him nuts. ~Eleanor Doan

Love you enemy. It’s a lot easier on you! Hating someone takes so much time and energy.

Loving your enemy means, instead of trying to get even, you let your Higher Power handle that person. Of course, loving your enemy is also hard. It means giving up control. It means giving up self-will. We addicts naturally want to control things and people.

This is where we turn to our program for help. We learn to love our enemies, not for some grand reason. We simply do it because hate can cause us to use alcohol or other drugs again.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, watch over my family, friends, and my enemies. Take from me my desire to control. Take from me all reasons to get high.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll list all my enemies. I’ll say each of their names, and then I’ll read the Third Step out loud.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You may be overly protective of your opinions now as you recall past experiences when speaking up didn’t go very well. However, letting your guard down just enough to listen to a coworker or friend could prove to be worthwhile when benevolent Jupiter stands opposite clever Mercury in your 10th House of Reputation. You might even win some points for being willing to put differences aside and welcome someone’s input. Life is too short not to try and find common ground. Maya Angelou writes, “We are more alike, my friends, than unalike.”

DR – Mar 23, 2017

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Daily Recovery Readings
March 23, 2017

Daily Reflection

. . . AND NO MORE RESERVATIONS

We have seen the truth again and again: “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.”. . . If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol. . . . To be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink a long time nor take the quantities some of us have. This is particularly true of women. Potential female alcoholics often turn into the real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years.
— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 33

These words are underlined in my book. They are true for men and women alcoholics. On many occasions I’ve turned to this page and reflected on this passage. I need never fool myself by recalling my sometimes differing drinking patterns, or by believing I am “cured.” I like to think that, if sobriety is God’s gift to me, then my sober life is my gift to God. I hope God is as happy with His gift as I am with mine.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did.”
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, We Agnostics, Page 52~

Keep It Simple

If anything, we have tended to be people who have wanted it all now. To hope is not to demand. —On hope

Maybe we were a bit demanding. Maybe we were a bit impatient. Maybe that’s why we such little hope.

Hope is believing good will, even in bad times. Hope is knowing that “this too, shall pass.” Hope is knowing that no mater how afraid we are, God will be with us. Hope is knowing we never have to be alone again. It is knowing that time is o our side. Hope is giving up control. Hope is knowing we never had control in the first place. Hope is believing in ourselves. Hope is what our program is all about.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, in our program we share our experiences, our strengths, and our hopes. Thank you for giving all three of these to me to share.

Action for the Day:
I will share my hope for the future with myself, my Higher Power, and my friends. I also will share this with someone who has lost hope.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You feel the words rising in your throat and you’re not sure if you can bite your tongue for much longer. Although you know that stress at work is inevitable, things may reach a boiling point where you’re unable to keep silent. Defending your position is essential and you should stand your ground with confidence. But if there’s something on your mind unrelated to your job, don’t take it out on your coworkers. Discussing your thoughts with the right people turns a frustrating conversation into a healing experience.

A Short Fuse

On By mikeykjrIn Personal3 Comments

I have short fuse: annoyance, frustration, then anger just keeps building up until I blow like Mount St. Helen’s. It’s those many defects of character I work on a daily basis I can’t seem get under control. In the past, I reached for the bottle because I kept those feelings tucked deep inside. Since then I learned tools to deal with them in an appropriate manner but many times I react before I think. The end result is disastrous – always.

For instance, here is a situation I am currently struggling with. I tend to make promises I can’t keep. It’s not intentional. People don’t seem to understand my schedule as a CNA change change on a whim.

Monday I had to work a double (3 p.m. to 7 a.m.) because I was mandated. My employer required me to work at risk of being fired if I did not. This is not something I choose to do nor I agree with nor something I can control. This is common in the nursing field; we can’t just leave our jobs until we are relieved by another person.

I had made plans with this person before I went to work on Tuesday but had to cancel. Tuesday morning I receive a text with a smart ass remark, “I figured that. You have to get your 10 hours of sleep. Tomorrow will be another excuse.” I was flabbergasted.

What I wanted to do, right then and there, was rip off his head and shit down his throat. Seriously. After working a 12 hour shift, after a three day weekend, after the previous weeks fiasco with Storm Stella? I thought it was unnecessary, uncompassionate and not understanding of my situation at all.
I didn’t respond nor have I responded to additional texts, as if nothing happened at all.

Part of me just wants to end the relationship or at a minimum take a break. The other part of me wants to attempt to talk to him. Problem: He is my Sponsor. I know him well enough, he’ll just turn this around on me, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

I vowed to NOT write about him in this journal, yet over the last couple of weeks, he keeps popping up.  Every now and then, we get to this stage in the relationship, we take a break for a couple of months, then repeat the cycle.  I don’t know if I should get off the merry-go-round or just grim my teeth and bare it.

Part of me feels a life long debt to him.  The other part of him wants to throw his hypocritical, selfish, self serving, insincere, sorry ass to the curb. **SELF:  Temper, Michael. Temper.** On the other hand, perhaps it is time we just part of seperate ways.

Any comments, questions or concerns would be appreciated.

What happens when your relationship with your Sponsor is no longer healthy for either of you?

DR – Mar 22, 2017

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Daily Recovery Readings
March 22, 2017

Daily Reflection

NO MORE STRUGGLE. . .

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone—even alcohol.
— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 84

When A.A. found me, I thought I was in for a struggle, and that A.A. might provide the strength I needed to beat alcohol. Victorious in that fight, who knows what other battles I could win. I would need to be strong, though. All my previous experience with life proved that. Today I do not have to struggle or exert my will. If I take those Twelve Steps and let my Higher Power do the real work, my alcohol problem disappears all by itself. My living problems also cease to be struggles. I just have to ask whether acceptance—or change—is required. It is not my will, but His, that needs doing.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“If a repetition is to be prevented, place the problem, along with everything else, in God’s hands.” ~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, To Wives, Page 120~

Keep It Simple

If anything, we have tended to be people who wanted it all now. To hope is not Not to demand. — On Hope
Maybe we were a bit demanding. Maybe we were a bit impatient. Maybe that’s why we had such little hope.
Hope is believing good will come even in bad time. Hope is knowing that “this, too, shall pass.”

Hope is knowing that no matter how afraid we are, God will be with us. Hope is knowing we never have to be alone again. It is knowing that time that time is on our side. Hope is giving up control. Hope is knowing we never had control in the first place. Hope is believing in ourselves. Hope is what our program is all about.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, in our program we share our experiences, our strengths, and our hopes. Thank you for giving all three of these to me to share.

Action for the Day:
I will share my hope for the future with myself, my Higher Power, and my friends. I also will share this with someone who has lost hope.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

It doesn’t seem right that it’s so difficult to fit your closest friends into your schedule. However, you’re being pulled in so many directions now that it’s tricky to know what to prioritize. Chances are there are people missing you too, and you may need to erase activities you penciled in to be with the ones you love. The dutiful Capricorn Moon in your 7th House of Companions nudges you to spend quality time with someone near and dear to you. Rumi teaches, “With life as short as a half-taken breath, don’t plant anything but love.”

DR – Mar 21, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
March 21, 2017

Daily Reflection

MATERIAL AND SPIRITUAL WELL-BEING

Fear . . . of economic insecurity will leave us.
— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 84

Having fear reduced or eliminated and having economic circumstances improve, are two different things. When I was new in A.A., I had those two ideas confused. I thought fear would leave me only when I started making money. However, another line from the Big Book jumped off the page one day when I was chewing on my financial difficulties: “For us, material well-being always followed spiritual progress; it never preceded.” (p. 127). I suddenly understood that this promise was a guarantee. I saw that it put priorities in the correct order, that spiritual progress would diminish that terrible fear of being destitute, just as it diminished many other fears.

Today I try to use the talents God gave me to benefit others. I’ve found that is what others valued all along. I try to remember that I no longer work for myself. I only get the use of the wealth God created, I never have “owned” it. My life’s purpose is much clearer when I just work to help, not to possess.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“A body badly burned by alcohol does not often recover overnight nor do twisted thinking and depression vanish in a twinkling. We are convinced that a spiritual mode of living is a most powerful health restorative.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, The Family Afterward, Page 133~

Keep It Simple

Keep It Simple

With each sunrise, we start anew. —-Anonymous

Like a tree, our life depends on new growth. There are many ways to bring new ideas and growth into our lives. We can attend Twelve Step retreats. We can study books and tapes on spirituality.
We can attend different Twelve Step meetings.

But our spiritual newness may not just come from the Twelve Steps. We can do volunteer work or be active in other types of groups. We need to invite new ideas into our lives. We need to stay open to change. It doesn’t matter what renews our spiritual growth. What matters is that we keep our spiritual lives fresh and growing.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, spring is one of the four seasons. Help me feel like spring. Help me to be strong but not stuck Help me be firm yet open to spiritual growth.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll try to do something new. When I get stuck or stubborn, I’ll see that it’s due to my fear of trying new ideas.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Talking about professional aspirations with a friend or partner may be uncomfortable if they start to scold you for your ambition. Although their intentions are likely well-intended, you might feel judged when the cold Capricorn Moon clashes with an overzealous Mercury-Venus duo in your 10th House of Career. However, you must be willing to proceed without validation from others now, even if it means drawing from your spiritual practice to feel at peace. The only approval that really matters is your own.

DR – Mar 20, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
March 20, 2017

Daily Reflection

LOVE AND TOLERANCE

Love and tolerance of others is our code.
— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 84

I have found that I have to forgive others in all situations to maintain any real spiritual progress. The vital importance of forgiving may not be obvious to me at first sight, but my studies tell me that every great spiritual teacher has insisted strongly upon it.
I must forgive injuries, not just in words, or as a matter of form, but in my heart. I do this not for the other persons’ sake, but for my own sake. Resentment, anger, or a desire to see someone punished, are things that rot my soul. Such things fasten my troubles to me with chains. They tie me to other problems that have nothing to do with my original problem.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Foreword To First Edition, pg.
xiii~

Keep It Simple

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years of trying to get other people interested in you. —Dale Carnegie

We wanted friends, but our addiction wanted all our attention. We had no time to be close to others.

Well, stand aside, addiction! The program has taught us that others are important. Our purpose is to help others. People have become what’s important to us.

Now we listen to others. We help them do what they want to do, not what we want them to do. We help people instead of use them. Friendship is now a way of life. And another promise of the program becomes a part of us.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me to know that I’m here to help others, not just myself. Through others, I find myself.

Today’s’ Action:
Today I’ll help someone the way he or she wants to be helped.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You’re ready to steel your nerves and go after your ambitions with renewed fervor. However, in the back of your mind you’re wondering how your aspirations affect the people around you. You wouldn’t want to do anything to compromise your closest relationships but at the same time you are pulled to create your own success while the Sun brightens your 10th House of Career. You could feel like you have to sacrifice one for the other but luckily, this tension fades in the days to come. Tim McGraw sings, “Chase your dreams but always know the road that will lead you home again.”