Category: Personal

New Chapters in Life

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

This week was full of ups and downs, as life is most days. I quit my job, I relapsed, I got another job and I’m helping a friend who is now staying with me. While I’m actively drinking, I am attempting to cut down so withdrawal symptoms aren’t severe. But the future looks bright and I have hope again!

For those sending messages or emails, my apologies for not answering them. At first I got tired of all the “suggestions”. At the same time, I’m attempting to start again with an attitude of  “I don’t know anything” instead of “I know . .”. Honestly, I relapsed because I wanted to. I simply gave up. Plain and simple.

There is a since of relief I quit my job. But then there came worry about finding another. But ex-coworkers told me, “Mike, you’ll get a job in no time, trust me.” Honestly, I didn’t believe them. Then I received messages saying I was expected somewhere, so all I had to do was apply and I would have a job. It was TRUE. I went to another facility, filled out an application and I’ll be starting my new job on Wednesday of next week.

In the meantime an old friend needed some help. Despite my own problems, I reached out my hand. He’s a recovering addict who fell on hard times with a girlfriend. He’s now staying with me for a while to clear his head. At the same time, he knows my situation and so we have a plan.

Lastly, I have begun the hard task of tapering my drinking. In the last two days I have had six beers total. It helps to have another sober person in the house. On the other hand, its not ideal to just suddenly quit either. Why?  For those who are not aware, alcohol withdrawal if not properly managed can/will lead to death. When I’m more clear headed perhaps I’ll post my views on that subject. For now, its not a reason to keep drinking, believe me. My friend is going through a lot already.

So this is where I am today.

Wait…What?

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

I just received a message from an ex-coworker who now works at another facility.While I sent my resume to this facility a while ago, the Director of Nursing and I are playing phone tag. Another ex-coworker who now works there said she would “put in a word for me” too.  The new message reads,  “Good they said they will put u on my floor my shift.”

Seriously, I haven’t even walked through the door . . .

I can’t and I won’t screw this up. I responded with, “I’ll be there at 10 or 11 am tomorrow.”

Someone is looking out for me, for that I am thankful!

I have hope this will end soon!

The Relapse

On By mikeykjrIn Personal10 Comments

We make stupid decisions when our active addiction fully consumes us. Perhaps this is not the best time to dislose these details here since I’m currently drinking. But the original purpose of this site still remains the same:

It is my hope that this blog serves several purposes. It offers a glimpse to the non-addict of what an addict and a recovering addict goes through in life. The hope that another addict reads this blog and starts their own journey in recovery. Lastly and most importantly, a blank canvas where I can explore my thoughts, feelings and my creative side.

There is so much I want to say, yet want to keep to myself. Honestly, I don’t even know where to start. So I might as well just dive right in.

I knew a replase was coming. It was obvious. It had been a lingering thought in the back of my mind for a while. A growing fear I was about to travel down a dark path, yet again, in my life to only who knows where.  I simply did nothing to prevent it; I simply gave up the fight.

Honestly, I was playing a dangerous game with myself and those around me. On the inside, I was a miserable mess; I was lonely, tired and hungry. On the outside I portrayed this strong, confident person (or so I thought). I guess I was waiting for someone to ask, “Hey Mike, is everything okay.” I probably would have cried like a baby. The expectation people acually cared. No one cared. Oh but now they all do, as I’ve been fielding messages, texts, etc. all day. In the end, I was lying to myself and everyone around me everything was okay.

Am I angry right now? Actually I’m not. It’s more of a feeling of relief. But its just a cover up of my fear of the future. Yes, I’m scared. I’m scared of where this is going to take me. I’m scared of not getting a job anytime soon. I’m scared of ending up exactly where I was ten years ago.

Side note:
I’m attempting to refrain from saying, “I know..” because I don’t.
I don’t know anything right now.
I know nothing.

It’s clear to me what I need to do. I’ve just become extremely lazy. I’m made excuse after excuse after excuse. I have not accepted responsibility. I’m just not there yet.

I know There is/was never an expectation drinking would “solve my problems”. I know My problems are still there when I wake up. The hundred emotions are all at the forefront.

Right now, I woke up at 2 a.m., I’ve had my forth cup of coffee. I’m trying to stay focused but its hard. “The fog” is beginning to creep back in. The “committee” is awakening. I simply don’t care. I don’t get pleasure out of this at all. The smell of Budwiser disgusts me,  yet I continue to pick up one can after another. All those AA slogans crash into my head at the same time. It’s the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

Hopefully some day soon I crawl out of this hole. I just don’t know if it’s going to be today.

 

 

 

Making Hard Decisions

On By mikeykjrIn Personal2 Comments

Just got home from my third 16-hour shift in a week. Typically I do four 12-hour shifts a week. However, due to the shortage of staff, call offs and people who quit, I’ve been “mandated” by management to stay. Enough was enough. When you jeopardize my health and the safety of those I care for, I have to make a hard decision. I turned in my letter of resignation effective immediately.

Honestly, I want to cheer, cry, throw my first threw a wall, yell until I have no voice but I have no energy to do any of it. I hardly have the energy to write this.

I have threatened to quit a 1000 times over for various reasons. I never put my foot down because my clients came first. This time I did surprising not only myself but I’m sure I surprised the hell out of a lot of other people too.

I’m going to take a couple of days off to recover. I need to get back into a regular sleeping pattern, eat better and basically get my life in order. Then I’ll be out looking for another job.

Another chaper in my life has closed. It’s my hope other opportunities open!

Resentment

On By mikeykjrIn Personal4 Comments

“Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick.”

“In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, Big Book, page 64.

scroll

NOTE:  This post did NOT go in one direction as intended, sadly…

Resentments tend to build with time unless we take the initiative to resolve our issues as the Steps have taught me. If not, harboring such resentments will lead us down dark paths, possible relapse and for some death. Far to long have I ignored such a resentment while it was at the end of my nose.

The beginning of 2018 was an especially difficult time for me. But it really didn’t begin there. The disappointment, anger, and fear has been festering for quite some time. Day by day as I put one foot in front of the other, struggling with each day, I have simply ignored it. I have struggled to deal with it. However, this morning I’m determined to change the direction I’m heading before its to late. Thus, “setting them on paper.”

It’s now obvious to me, though I am sure to others it’s been obvious for a while, I need a new direction in my life. I made perhaps the worst decision of my life becoming a Certified Nursing Assistant. It was a decision I made out of desperation. At the time I needed a job. I convinced myself, despite my knowledge of the field, “things won’t be so bad”. With seven years of sobriety under my belt, I could handle almost anything. Oh, how I was so wrong!

The complete disregard for human life, the disrespect of our elderly and their lives, the lack of compassion and understanding, the greed of corporations and those working in the field turning a blind eye to all of it absolutely disgusts me. It is suggested, knowing this, if I make one person’s life more bearable today, then I have done my job. Really? Therefore, I should be happy with myself for the fifteen minutes or less I spend with someone to bring some sort of compassion back in their life when only moments later it’ll be wiped away when the next person steps in? I find no comfort in that at all. In this case, there is no compromise. There is only one solution ahead of me – a new direction.

As of now, I am not simply walking away. I can’t and I won’t. Until such time that I sever such relationships, I am required by NYS to uphold these core values:

(1) the dignity and worth of each resident as an individual;
(2) a respect for the range of diversity of individuals;
(3) a demonstration of a therapeutic relationship.
Now I can breathe . . .
Since I already have a AAS in Computer Science Information Systems, which is completely useless these days, I have decided to look into a Bachelor’s of Science degree. However, this will be a struggle too.
My previous college experience has gotten me in a large debt. So, I need to get approved for additional funding. At the same time, I still have to work in my current field to help pay the bills all the while going to college at the same time. Therefore, there will be many battles going on at once.
Do I really want to take that plunge?
For now, I’ll write more later . . .

[The] Courage to Change the Things I Can….

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

For many months I struggled working as a Certified Nursing Assistant. I knew coming in full well what to expect. There haven’t been many surprises. However, there are many things I simply can’t ignore. I’m required to take action. But when those who can do something about it do nothing, well I can still do something. It’s a difficult decision when you have a passion for what you do but there Serenity Prayer reminds me to have the, “courage to change the things I can.”

As the number of the elderly grows beyond those who seek training to help and assist them, those of us who do work in this field are under extreme stress. The expectations put upon us are, at times, insurmountable. So we are told, “Do the best you can do with the resources you have.” Simply, for me, that is not good enough.

Though I may be young in the field, with just over a year under my belt, I believe for my own serenity it is best I seek other employment opportunities. While I’ve been told things will not change wherever I go, perhaps I’ll find the serenity I seek somewhere else. However, there is a chance I may not.

I need to have faith and take that chance.

 

 

Slow Acting Poison

On By mikeykjrIn Personal3 Comments

As typical with nursing homes, we are short staffed, especially on the second shift (3 p.m. to 11 p.m.) Last night I worked another 16 hour shift. Working at least one 16 hour day per week besides the 4 day, 12 hour work week is becoming the norm.  I am not the only one, as there is a large amount of stress for us all. However, when your co-workers act like children from high school moaning and groaning because they didn’t get what they wanted, my blood just boils. In this type of environment, when people are stretched thin, things just don’t get done. In the end, it’s the residents that suffer. So here I am thinking about calling in sick – but I won’t. It’s times like this I look at my last ten years of sobriety for answers.

For instance, when I got sober, I made a commitment to myself – no matter how bad things got, I would not drink. The various slogans of the program come into play. Yet no matter how much I spin this one or that one, it just doesn’t seem to work.For now, I feel like I’m white knuckling through it.

On a daily basis I’m saying the Serenity Prayer right before I go into work:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

No matter how much I try to ignore all the negativity, it’s like a small acting poison. Day after day my frustration and anger just build breaking my strength to deal with the situations appropriately. Honestly, I have blown up at the wrong people and wrong places, yet I don’t regret my actions. I simply can’t ignore the transgressions of others. I have a responsibility set before me NOT to ignore them. Yet my concerns continue to fall on deaf ears.

For me, “Let Go, Let God” hasn’t been much successful either. I can’t change people or the situations before me. I have done what needs to be done – my responsibility, therefore I need to trust that God will take care of business. While I do understand such changes may not happen overnight, in a week, month or even a year, eventually I trust that God will take over. In the meantime, I’m the one that continues to be miserable.

No offense, but my ex-Sponsor, “Spiritual Advisor” or whatever he likes to call himself these days is also not much help at all.  Unfortunately, at this time he’s the only one I have a phone call away but I don’t bother to call him. While I feel he doesn’t understand what I’m going through, he just throws out, “Get another job.” I wish it was that easy.

I simply just don’t know what to do.

All I can fall back on for now is, “Just One Day at a Time”.

Forget the past, today is a new night at work, go in and get it done.

“It’s a choice one has to make with anything in life: to either believe in yourself or allow yourself to be sucked into self-pity and feelings of self-doubt.”

 

Looking Forward to 2018

On By mikeykjrIn health, Personal4 Comments

As I grow older, years come and go quickly. As many of us do, I make “New Year’s resolutions” only to fail miserably. I did so last year. While another year passes, we ring in the year of 2018 and I’m looking forward to it.

Honestly, I have regrets in 2017. However, I am reminded of the AA Promise, “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” In other words, I choose to learn from those mistakes and move forward.

Quick Review 2017

The older I get the more concerned I am regarding the status of my own health. As I quickly approach my 50’s, I need to make some drastic changes sooner rather than later. I continue to by plagued with high blood pressure, bad cholesterol and a whole lot of unnecessary stress in my life.  This continued throughout 2017. While I tried to quit smoking and develop a new healthy lifestyle, obviously that didn’t happen. I simply made to many excuses. All I can do is keep trying.

Working as a CNA is a stressful job in itself. Traveling three hours a day to and from work added even more stress in my life. I had to do something. In July 2017, I found the most ideal place to move and did so. I thought by doing so, I would reduce the stress in my life but that wasn’t the case.

One accomplishment I am proud of is keeping my sobriety in tact despite the many hurdles I faced. However, I have lost my connection with the physical recovery community. My work schedule (working 3pm to 11pm, now working 12-hour shifts, 7pm to 7am, four days a week) doesn’t make it easy to attend meetings (another excuse). What I didn’t do is go to meetings on my day off. Instead, I selfishly stayed at home at time “sitting on my pity pot”. I went down some dark roads but came through them with some scraps. While I won’t say “never again”, again another opportunity to learn from my mistakes.

All I can do is look forward to the new year and new possibilities. Again I’m reminded of the ending of the AA Promises, “They will always materialize if we work for them.”

New Year’s Resolutions for 2018

  • Develop a healthy lifestyle reducing the stress in my life:
    • Meditate daily
    • Exercise daily
    • Develop a healthier diet
    • Develop a regular consistent sleep schedule
  • Develop an attitude of “no excuses”; take responsibility and DO SOMETHING
  • Start and finish one project at a time
  • Eliminate procrastination

Not a long list because I really haven’t thought of anything else by the first bullet point. Developing a healthy lifestyle in 2018 is going to my second priority in life. (My sobriety is always my first priority in my life!). It ‘s not going to suddenly happen overnight. Keep it simple.

I believe I can make it work. No – I WILL make it work! This is the schedule I work with on a typical working day:

  • 5 p.m. – wake up
  • 6 p.m. – head to work
  • 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. – work
  • 7:30 to 8 a.m. – get home from work
  • 9 a.m. to 10 p.m. back to bed

After waking up, (even before my morning coffee) I’ll begin my day with a simple meditation, perhaps sobriety related, positive reinforcement or just a clear my mind. It just takes 10 – 15 minutes leaving enough time for a shower and coffee.

Getting into a regular exercise routine is going to be a challenge. Ideally I would like to do something after my meditation but as you can see, I don’t have the time.. Therefore, I’ll have to develop a routine after work.

Developing a healthier diet is going to be another challenge. I’m not a cook and I’m an impulse shopper. Honestly, I have a large pot and a small deep dish pan to cook meals (for now). In the past it was more of boxed meals and a protein. I’ll make do until I eventually buy more pots and pans. There are a plethora of websites for healthy living, so I’ll just have to try a few.

In my weekly budget I have allocated $50 per week to groceries. I think it will be more than enough, as I only cook for myself. The two cheapest places to shop are Walmart and Price Chopper. But I like to find the best deals with the use of coupons, so I’ll have to figure that all out too!

My sleeping pattern is so screwed up right now. Besides working 12 hour days, four times a week, most of the time I’ve had to stay later, even working 16 hours, due to the lack of staff at work. There is a major decision I need to make regarding my current employment but for now, I hope with the holidays past us I can get back into a regular routine.

I’m using various apps to help track my progress. For years I’ve been using Microsoft HealthVault (now call MS Insights) to keep track of my blood pressure. I’ve used MyFitnessPal in the past, so I updated all the information and will be keeping track here. Eventually I hope to add it to this blog.  If you are interested and use MyFitnessPal perhaps we can add each other? Don’t post your username or email in the comments. Just say your interested and I’ll contact you with my info. I know how to get around spam bots 🙂

This is myfitnesspal tracker:

Happy Year Year everyone!

Scrambled Eggs

On By mikeykjrIn Personal4 Comments

** This may be a very long post.  An unloading of random thoughts **

This particular post is not regarding sobriety but just random thoughts, to myself and those who wish to read, ravaging my brain at the current moment. I have have highs and lows throughout the month of December for various reasons, some documented here. As of late, it feels as if my brain is the consistency of scrambled eggs.

Work Related

As typical during the holidays, there tends to be a lot of people who do not report to work. I don’t have the luxury of going home when someone doesn’t show up. While “volunteers” are requested, it all depends on who is in the mood to stay. For instance, Monday night I ended up working 16 hours instead of my regular 12 hour shift.

Just working an extra four hours after a 12 hour shift creates havoc. Typically, I am in bed by 9 or 10 am. Not getting off until 11am, then driving home to arrive at 12pm and finally winding down puts me at going to bed around 1pm. Thus, I only get four hours sleep before I pop myself out of bed at 5 pm to leave at 6pm to be at work at 7pm.

As I’m mentioning work, work has been my life lately. I feel like all I do is work, eat when I can and sleep. While my body has adjusted to the new schedule most days I hit my mark or going to bed around 9 or 10 am. But there are days I don’t go to bed until much later. As the new year approaches, I need to make a commitment to keep a consistent sleep schedule.

Enough about work – its my day off . . .

Spirituality

For some reason during the holidays, I tend to shift my focus on my spirituality and family. Both are very important to me. Yet both take so much time, I feel like I have time for nothing else.

Samhain (Halloween for those reading) I celebrated a New Year. Things haven’t panned out since then so I’m planning on celebrating the Celtic New Year, Thursday, December 21, to start all over. Unfortunately, I have procrastinated. It’s in two days, I have nothing planned and that was one of my New Year goals – to plan in advance and attend. UGH. I can only try again.

Mercury Retrograde

Things started to get loopy at the beginning of December. I tend to look at the calendar when unexpected events happen. Awww, crap! I forgot about the Mercury Retrograde from December 2nd through December 22nd. (For those reading, find more information on Mercury Retrograde Do’s and Don’ts, click here.) For me, Mercury Retrograde can really hit me hard, while other times it is just mild. I should have prepared!

For some reason, my finances have gotten out of whack. I’m trying to save money to fix my car (it needs new tires for Winter, brakes and an oil change). Winter is here, I’m driving on “not good” tires. The brakes squeak badly. Lastly, the “maintenance needed” (usually oil change) light has been on for at least two months. Why do car repairs have to be so damn expensive??

Back to Mercury Retrograde – here is a prime example. JUST NOW!  Electronics have major disruptions during a mercury retrograde. Before computers existed, lights would blow, the phone wouldn’t work, etc. In today’s society it’s hard to do anything without the computer. Since I have several, a variety of things have happened.

Just now, I was typing this post for the blog. Suddenly, for no reason at all, the browser goes back to a page I visited a couple days ago. While I’m working on my laptop, one would assume I may have mistakenly pressed some buttons. I didn’t even have my hands on the keyboard!

The “main event” happened the other day. My eyesight is really, really bad. Right now, as my laptop sits in my lap, I’m straining to see things. Yes, I know I could increase the font (which it is), window’s size (I have an old laptop, small screen – pain in my arse!), or project it to the TV. Well, for the last couple of months I have been projecting it to my 50+ inch TV. But you want to guess what happened?

After coming home after work one night, I found my TV off its stand, tilted on the floor, with a computer screen embedded in the middle of it. Apparently during the night, the (cheap) TV stand collapsed, sent the TV down to the floor catching the corner of the computer right in the middle of the TV making it inoperable. Therefore, I’ve had to go back to old school. Old monitors and working on my laptop’s small screen. UGH. Therefore, everything for me has become harder to complete and takes a lot of time.

Spare Time – Hobbies

Typically, I am not a gamer. However, with my spare time I have got involved in computer games, Lusternia and World of Warcraft. Why? Because I have no real life, I was hoping for some social interaction. This hasn’t happened at all.

I have been involved in the MUD (Multi-User-Dungeon/Dimension) world for a long time (Gods..the  early 80’s). In the early years, I started with Achaea, Dream of Divine Lands  and since have made several characters to “keep in the loop” (with changes to the game). But I got bored. Lusternia, another MUD by the same company was something different, so I recently (again) tried it. Again, the social aspect is now nil, so it is on the back burner.

Genealogy

With the holidays, I tend to concentrate on my family – my ancestors. I’m an amateur genealogist tracing my family’s history prior to the public introduction of computers. Technology has grown by leaps and bounds, thus genealogy has gotten much easier than the old days when we hard to write for copies of records. A $20 month subscription from Ancestry.com can get you all the United States records currently accessible online. However, even today, it can still be a challenge.

I decided for 2018, I would create a new tree basically starting over. I have an old “tree” (family history), that is quite extensive – now private. The internet provides records research but also the collaboration from other users – all of doing the same thing, researching our family history. However, with genealogy getting exact, correct, verifiable information is still not an exact science. For those who don’t know the role of a genealogist, let’s just say that researching your family history takes a lot of time, patience and money.

George

I now live in a trailer (again), so there are bound to be rodents. Those of us that live in single trailers on land tend to experience an ongoing rodent problem because our structures are raised, thus rodents, especially during Winter months, tend to seek shelter during winter. Expected, so be it.

I have know the existence of a rodent in my walls. Literally, on my days off, during the night during Fall and now Winter, he/she scratches (building nest) which can annoy me to ALL HELL. However, knowing this when I moved here, it was expected. However, thinking the trailer was “secure”, “closed up”, I didn’t think “he” would get in.

The other day I got home to prepare dinner – a combination of Polish sausage and noodles (alfredo style). Time slipped by and the noddles over cooked and partially burned, thus I removed the pan from the burner.  That night I worked the 16 hour shift so I didn’t get home until 12pm. To my surprise, the whole pan of noodles was GONE with little claw marks in the pan. This compliments the animal tracks outside (that I should have taken a picture of when I had snow just yesterday!) which clearly shows an animal of some sort is coming from across the road, down the skirting of my trailer and finally getting underneath. Therefore, I have called him George.

George and I (call me the “Animal Whisperer”) talk to each other. When I hear the scratching, I typically pound on the wall.  He/she stops while I’m yelling, “Dammit, stop it”. To be honest, this animal has to be smart. He/she will scratch once – scratching stops. Two scratches – scratches continue. Thus, when the later happens I say, “Would you hurry up already . . .  your nest is fine!”. A short time afterwards there is silence.

Rats, mice or vermin of another kind are common. But a co-worker mentioned that since I live by a farm (across the street), there is a large chance I may have a ferret tunneling in my walls. I’m not worried about George. Call me crazy but whether its human or animal, its a type of socialization!!

CE – BFF w/ Benefits

Background, as I don’t talk much about “him”.

Honestly, that title was hard to write. I don’t know what “we” (if that even exists) are. For  years there’s been a codependent relationship. Sex and recovery. Fine, call me a 13th stepper. I admit it. I failed miserably and I have paid the price. Unfortunately, I am still paying for it. Hence the reason I have not taken on any newcomers. We, in recovery, tend to stick to the same gender. Thus, for me, its hard when I’m attracted to them. After CE, I have vowed to NEVER to do this again.

He is in prison. He committed a crime, so he’s paying the price (again). He was given 3-7 years based on his past. While he thinks he is getting out in three for good behavior, I’m not sure what is going to happen. His first was violent felony, while this one is not. Nowadays, due to overcrowding in prisons/jails they release those with non-violent convictions. But with his past, I’m not sure what the result in his parole hearing.

Part of me wants him to stay in, while the other part want him out. This is my codependency at work. Honestly, primarily because I WANT him to get sober and change his life. Secondary is sex. Even in prison he tries to manipulate me. Sometimes he succeeds, while others (like currently) he does not. So why not cut him off? Fear.

He’s grown up in the prison system most of his life. (I know – “Hello! WTF are you doing?” Simply – long story.)

*** Break . . . A minute with George, please – – – ***

Again, part of me wants him to stay because of his manipulation and selfishness. While he confesses to become sober and lean toward a new life over the previous year I have not seen a change (yet part of me says, “How can he in prison?) Perhaps giving me more time to put down the hammer and say “we are done”. On the other hand, he claims to have sources in and out who can find people and “do things” to his bidding. While I think this is a complete and utter lie, I do take “threats” seriously. Yes, I live in “no mans land”, however CE is not really in sobriety, so he will use his skills to do everything to “pay [someone] back”. Intimidation – it scares me. Honestly, part of me just wants to get over him. Threats – unfounded. Simply – move on. Yet I can’t. For me it’s the hardest thing to overcome in sobriety; a defect in character which will take a lifetime to master.

scroll

Well now that I have “unloaded”, again my brain is scrambled eggs, I have no idea where I have been nor where I am going. I guess the slate is clean and after over an hour or more I can tackle something different.