Category: Personal

My Absence

On By mikeykjrIn Personal7 Comments

The whole month of October continues to be a difficult one for me. Mostly all job related has added much stress in my life.  I suffered a TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) or “mini-stroke” back in May 2011, as a result of my addiction.  While I’ve tried to change my lifestyle (i.e. losing weight, eating healthy, starting a fitness routine, etc.), I have not been really proactive at it on a daily basis. Thankfully, I have a three day weekend. Therefore, I’m going to continue a sabbatical from this blog and concentrate on my spirituality. Things need to change very quickly.

My blood pressure is up 20 points which concerns me. I know I have too much stress in my life (as documented here). There are times when my anger gets ahold of me and I haven’t had that happen, as it does now, in many years. I’m now fearing for my job as four people have been terminated in the last week. So hearing this adds much more added pressure.

Since I moved to my new home, I have not had the chance to set up a new Primary Care Provider. While I would like to stay with United Healthcare Systems (because all my history is there), I’m also thinking to change to something different. Right now I”m leaning on staying with UHS due to the current situation. However, doing so would require a “new patient visit” and a “follow up appointment”. Thankfully my current meds are still renewed through my old PCP. The point is I need to get the ball rolling on a new PCP.

I have not dealt with the death of Heart, my cat, well either. Many days I’m more depressed than anything because I have no one to talk to or care for. While I promised myself I would do so when I moved in July, I really haven’t. Instead, my concentration was on Heart. Now that Heart is gone, its hard to move the focus back to me. I’m not sure if I’ve gone through all the grieving stages.

I need to revisit all of the 12 Steps. I have grown complacent in the last couple of months not truly “living the program”. That needs to change before something drastic happens to my sobriety.

I’m almost ONE MONTH from TEN YEARS of sobriety. I’m NOT going to through it all away. Right now, I have that choice but if things progress down the road I’m going, I may not be here at all.

 

Employment

On By mikeykjrIn Personal, Work RantLeave a comment

During my sobriety, I have left jobs because of the threat to my sobriety. There was a brief time where I’m currently employed (almost a year ago) which I was in a very bad position. But I go through it with the help of my ex-sponsor. This time, because of my estrangement from him, I have to take matters in my own hands. This weekend was “the straw the broke the camel’s back”, therefore I need to take steps to find new employment.

People don’t seem to realize that Facebook can be insightful to who people really are, as a person and their professionalism outside of work. It is one thing to claim, “it is my opinion and what happens after is not my concern.” But when a post has over 50 comments directed toward one individual, it is just disgusting, disrespectful and stupid. You don’t have to be a computer genius to delete a post when things obviously get out of hand.

Today, I learned another lesson: never again will I friend a person on Facebook I work with for any reason. There must be a line that must not be crossed. Since I have no control over what other’s post, I can control my side. I took the initiative not to get involved. Others did not. The post became public to those who should have NEVER seen such behavior (friends of friends) which ultimately are the family members of those that we care about on a daily basis. What infuriates me more is the complete ignorance and disregard of not doing something about it.

In a nutshell, I am outraged. So much so it has consumed me in the last 24 to 48 hours. If I have complete disdain for the people I work with then I need to change my environment. It is not healthy for me.

It’s time to update the resume and put myself out there for a new employer. It’s going to a hard road to travel. There are a lot of considerations I have to take into account that will affect me in the future and years to come. But it is something that must be done, sooner rather than later.

A Terrible Quandary

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

For those of us working in facilities requiring state certification, their visit can be nerve-racking. Weeks before to just 24 to 48 hours before, everyone’s in panic mode. The expectation is white glove treatment; everything said and done is put under a microscope. After their period of observation, they render a decision. Recently, in this case, the decision handed down was one of absolute surprise. The terrible quandary is for those who believe the decision is not worth its merit and what to do in their future, if anything.

The consensus of the state of those residing in nursing homes is not a popular one. As the “baby boomers” generation begins to fill nursing facilities, one can draw a parallel conclusion as those in incarceration; there are not enough facilities to assist those needing that level of care. In addition, those filling important roles to care for this population continues to dwindle, as states tighten restrictions and requirements for those who want to enter the field. Therefore, like most medical facilities, people are overworked, underpaid and not appreciated for the tireless work they put in because no one else will do the job.

Now, throw in a decision from the state in which they believe deserves the highest honor in the field with no deficiencies – a perfect score. From their point of view, they believe the facility has either met or exceeded their expectations. They have found nothing needing any action to be taken by the facility. Is that even possible? It just can not be.

All facilities have their dark secrets. One would think state inspectors, knowing this, would make a point in trying to uncover and require immediate action during their visit. In this case, it just didn’t happen. Now there is congratulatory applause from all corners of “a job well done”. This is sickening.

There are a few who won’t turn a blind eye to the truth. They have to make a decision. One can continue to work under such falsehoods which would leave the question, “How are you any better than the rest of them?” Or one can stand tall to their beliefs knowing the path ahead of them is going to be a very bumpy ride which they might not recover. It’s not going to be an easy one, that is for sure.

A Spiritual Awakening

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

Posted on FB:

OMG, I’m freaking out right now. I’m crying all over again. I was smoking a cigarette on my front porch when I noticed something staring at me in the corner of my eye. I buried Heart on the side of my property by the river (I have yet to erect a marker). My heart literally stopped, I stopped breathing. At the same place, there was a black and white cat, exactly the same markings as Heart, staring at me. I began to walk to that place and it went back in the bushes. I’ve never had something like that happen to me.

Most of you are not aware of my spiritual beliefs, but I am a pagan, Witch, Wiccan, whatever you choose to call me. It is my belief, right now, as we come closer to Samhain / Halloween, the veil between the Otherworld (the realm of our Ancestors / the deceased) and the living is thining, until Samhain when that veil is the thinnest.

The reason I post this is sobriety taught me to BELIEVE in my own beliefs. I BELIEVED I could become and stay sober (and ten years later I still am sober). BELIEVE in a Higher Power (no matter what you call it) which I have despite the vast differences my beliefs are with those of the program. BELIEVE that no matter what, things will get better. But you have to BELIEVE and put the work into it.

This is one of those “spiritual awakenings” (as it’s my belief you just don’t have one). Let me clarify, my FB post says, “I’ve never had something like this happen to me.” I’ve always had memories of my Ancestors but nothing like this. Some may call it a coincidence. Perhaps this cliche clears things up, “Things happen for a reason?”

Depression – Coming Out on the Other Side

On By mikeykjrIn Personal4 Comments

It’s been a rough week for me with the death of my cat, Heart. For the last week, I’ve been a miserable human being. Previous experiences taught me I would be going through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

The two most prominent stages were anger and depression. The cauldron of anger was already stirred with my misery at work. My anger was misdirected to those I work with and the situations unfolding at work. Almost every day I thought about walking away from my job. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was dealing with enough pain, I refused to deal with more. Instead, I bitched and complained about everything and everyone around me. As I look back, I look like the fool (again).

As a Star Wars fan, I have to imbed this video in my discussion:

The path of anger led me down to the pit of depression. I had no motivation to do a damn thing. For most nights, I just watched episodes of NCIS on Netflix, fell asleep and repeated the same thing the next day. I didn’t even fight to get out: I didn’t care; I had no motivation to do anything; I could care less about the world around me. I did the only thing I could attach myself to – my computer and Netflix. There were periods of time where I thought I may be coming out of it. Then I would sink back in. I was tired of looking at Facebook. I wasn’t interested in playing Achaea, which I typically do in the morning.

There were periods of time where I thought I may be coming out of it. Then I would sink back in. I was tired of looking at Facebook. I wasn’t interested in playing Achaea, which I typically do in the morning. I didn’t have any motivation to cook nor go to the store, so I bought roast beef subs from the local gas station a few nights. I knew it was getting really bad.

Yesterday I convinced myself to talk to my Gods. For some reason (I just noticed yesterday) I lost power the other night, so my other computers were all off. I turned the one on I use for my spiritual practices to find 500+ messages waiting in my email box. So I made myself read them and make use of them. I guess it helped because some motivation has returned today.

I don’t know where this is going to lead me right now. However, I do know “there is a light at the end of the tunnel.” So, right now I’m opening the windows to my home, pulling back the shades and letting the autumn sounds and smells permeate my surroundings. It’s the beginning of coming out the other side.

RIP Heart

On By mikeykjrIn Personal7 Comments

 

heart_20170709
RIP Heart 1998 – 2017

 

I had known Heart for almost ten years before I began to take care of her. Her owner, my ex-sponsor, said he couldn’t care for both his cats anymore. I was in the process of moving, so I told my ex-sponsor I would take Heart with me. I moved Heart to my house in July 2017.

It was a difficult decision because she would be taken away from her sister, Sassy. It was also a long drive to my home. Lastly, my work schedule is so erratic I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to spend a lot of time with her. Despite these difficulties, I took her home and shared the last months of her life.

She was supposedly 19 years old, according to my ex-sponsor. Her sister has a range of medical problems in the last year. We thought that Sassy would pass away first, then Heart. Instead, it was the other way around. The bond between them is strong, so we both believe now that Heart has passed, Sassy will deteriorate quickly and pass away too.

In the last month, she gave me a scare. She began not drinking and eating. Then she developed wheezing. People were saying it could be a urinary tract infection while others were telling me it could be a simple cold.  The consensus was to take to a vet.

She was 19 years old, so I chose not to do so. She got better shortly after, so I spent more time with her. I knew that her passing would be soon. She started to not eat and drink four days ago; no matter what I put in front of her, she just walked away. The wheezing returned obstructing her breathing. I knew this was the time.

The previous episode I had already given her all my love and comfort. She knew this as she continued to stay by my side until the end. Yesterday, she sat right by her bed, unable to move but would pick up her head to drink some water. It ripped my heart I had to work but I couldn’t stand to watch her pass away. I didn’t know when it would happen, I just knew this was the last day I would see her.

When I got home from work the house was completely silent. She didn’t greet me at the door. I knew what had happened. You can never be prepared.

Even now as I write this the tears continue to flow down my cheeks. I am heartbroken beyond words. The house is silent. Memories, good memories just keep coming up tearing my heart. I can hardly function. I keep rolling back to her picture above, talking to her as if she is here. I miss her deeply. A part of me went with her and forever I will be changed.

Losing a Loved One

On By mikeykjrIn Personal2 Comments

We all experience loss of those we love. Whether it’s heart_20170709a parent, grandparent or another family member even pets. Many have lived their life to the fullest, as in my case. Heart, my cat I’ve had since July, is in the final stages of her life. It’s heart-wrenching to watch but I know it’s time.

A lot of tears are flowing down my cheeks since I was awakened to her cold nose rubbing against mine. Heart, my cat, never does that in the morning. Usually, it’s a cry or howl, “Hey I want to be fed.” But as soon as I realized she had shortness of breath, I knew it wouldn’t be much longer.

She now rests near me in her final moments; her breathing is getting shallower and she hasn’t moved. I have told her how much I love her and will miss her, stroking her side lightly through the process. While this is a heart-wrenching process to watch, its not something I’m unfamilar with as a Certified Nursing Assistant. But when it’s one of your own, it is much harder.

I have chosen to stay by her side for comfort. My employer has already been called out of respect for my fellow employees (who honesty I don’t give a rats ass about right now). I want her to know how much I love her and it’s okay to go. With a little whip of her tail, I know she is comforted.

I am heart-broken right now, knowing her life is close to an end. It’s painful. But would drinking help relieve my pain? No, not at all. It would just make matters worse. I could drink myself to my own death, pass out and miss her final moments or be completely selfish and be in my own world of drunkedness.

Today, I’m grateful to be by her side – sober.

 

Tired Mentally, Physically, Spiritually

On By mikeykjrIn Personal, Work RantLeave a comment

The last week has been mentally, physically and spiritually draining. It’s not my home life, it all has to do with my job. I attempt my best to report to work with a clear mind and positive thoughts. No matter how hard I try to keep my head clear halfway through my shift I become angry, annoyed and frustrated. There are some things I just can’t ignore. At the end of the day, I feel like I’m the only one that cares.

 

I can’t count on my fingers how many times this week I’ve said, “I’m just going to walk away after this shift is over.” Seriously, I’ve thought about handing in my badge, not caring about my license as a CNA and just giving up. Unfortunately, anywhere else I go for employment, the same thing is going to rear its ugly head. So, I know it’s not the solution.

In addition, there would be a significant pay cut. But my own employer has just sent a notice out stating our pay rates are about to change, “Your supervisor will inform you of the changes beginning October 1st.” Another person implied we would be getting raises to accommodate the loss of differential pay. So, for now, we’re left in the dark.

As much as management applauds the work that I do, I take their words with a grain of salt. I do what I do because I’m required to do so by the State of New York. But the expectations of the other employees is not the same. People do whatever they wish to do without any consequences because they know management won’t do anything about it. They can come in late, leave halfway through a double shift, call off or even do a no call no show.  When they report back to work they still have their job. One employee who complained recently was told, “Right now we have other priorities to take care of…” For me, such a statement implies management does not care about the employees.

I’m back in this revolving wheel of work, eat, sleep then do the same thing the next day. I’m too tired physically, mentally and spiritually to do anything else. My days off consist of moping around the house like a chicken with no head because I can’t concentrate on one thing.

I’ve been at my job a whole year, as of today. I’m not sure if I can survive yet another. Perhaps it’s time I look at other alternatives.

My Labor Day Weekend 2017

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

I vowed to have fun this weekend. It may be the only weekend off I may have this month. It was a rough week at work, so I wanted to “let go” in a good way. Just resting or enjoying something for myself was the goal. My goal was accomplished.

Saturday I woke up not in the best of moods. I was physically, mentally and spiritually drained. The events of the prior week at work had beat me down. I didn’t like it at all! I had to do something positive.

There is a local casino that I’ve not been fond of since its opening. The people tend to be rude, the food always sucks, the games never pay out. But there isn’t really anything else to do within a short distance. I also didn’t want to isolate myself at home the whole weekend.

I planned on eating at the buffet, playing some poker to waste time, then perhaps hit a slot of two just for kicks. Didn’t bother with the buffet. While it was free for me, I rather cook something tasteful at home. I stepped in the poker room for two hours to walk out with $50. So I went to the slot machines, lost my $50 and some more (but not boat loads). Nothing changes with this place. How they survive and expand is beyond me.

Since I was close to a good grocery store, I decided to go shopping for the first time since I’ve moved to my new place in July. It’s quite a big store, so I started at one end going isle by isle. I had no plan, no list, it was all spontaneous. As I got close to 1/2 down the rows, I started getting nervous as my cart started to get full. Did I have enough money? Luckily the rest of the store wasn’t things I was interested in getting, so I headed out. The goal was $150. I left with plenty of groceries probably for the month at $120. Next time I will plan and see how to shop with coupons.

The rest of my weekend was spent at home. It began to rain Saturday night. I decided to indulge in some episodes of TV shows I watch: Game of Thrones, Season 7; Big Brother, Season 19; and Master Chef, Season 8. I fell asleep a couple of times, woke back up for a few hours, fell back asleep again. After repeating that three times, I finally got done with all my shows and just went to bed for the night. Oh did I sleep good!

Despite my cat’s howling for me to get up and feed her, I remained in bed until 10 a.m. While I love my cat, her previous owner has taught her some unbearable habits. I’m trying to break those habits to the best of my ability. However, I may be barking up the wrong tree; these habits are so ingrained and she is so old, I doubt I’l be successful. But its worth a try – for my sanity.

Not a bad weekend, but I wish I took the time to do some housework. I know its going to be struggle to do it this week. Most likely, I’ll procrastinate all of it until Wednesday, my next day off. But I’m going to make an effort NOT to do that and do at least ONE thing when I get home after work. Perhaps by Wednesday, I won’t have anything to do, thus I can recharge my batteries.