Category: Personal

Ready to Take a Hike

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

For those who are active readers here – NO, this does NOT relate to my sobriety. My sobriety, despite the constant “issues” at work, is quite intact. What I’m feeling is the greatest pull toward something new I’ve ever felt in my life. I’m ready to take a hike, move on with my life.

My lease was signed for my new place where I’m moving on June 6, 2017. I recently received a copy in the mail. I got a little nervous because it took so long but those nerves subsided when the landlord said his secretary was on vacation. Looking at this signed lease in front of me just makes me want to pack up and go!

Basically, I’m starting over. Like I said before, I have a couple goals in mind. One is that of a minimalistic lifestyle. Removing all the material things in my life causing clutter is already working. I’m more peaceful and content.

On the other hand, my brain wants to compound itself with projects upon projects of new things to do (and possibly buy). Right now I have to remind myself the “One Day at a Time ” methodology; I haven’t even moved into the new place, so why worry about what I may need, will I be able to afford it, etc. Worrying about something not happening yet can put me on a path I’d rather not go down.

I’m only moving some personal items. For instance, my computers will all go with me. I still have to figure out which monitors work. Once that’s done, I have to visit the city landfill to properly dispose of them. Once at the new residence, I’m planning on backing up information to an external drive and starting over on all my machines.

Since I’m working most of the time (wearing scrubs), there is no need to bring all my clothes but a select few of outfits. Typically when I’m at home, I’m in sweats and a t-shirt. I do have to remember to bring some seasonal clothing too! Perhaps an outfit or two, a jacket for winter, gloves and such. Besides, I won’t be smoking at the new place. My current selection looks and smells disgusting, so I’ll be glad to either throw it away or donate to my favorite charity, the Salvation Army (bad sarcasm).

Currently, I don’t really cook for myself. Fast-food dining is my life blood. Once I move, I will have to cook much more often, thus a new experience. Already, I have worried friends, “Michael, you’re going to starve yourself. Let me know if I can help you . . .”

I will be moving no furniture. I’ll be sleeping on a blow-up mattress until such time I can afford a real bed again. Bedroom furniture and living room furniture will come in its own time. Honestly, a beanbag or cushion on the floor is good for me!

Seriously, that’s it. A couple road trips back and forth, then it’s done.

It reminds me of my youth when I moved out of my parent’s house back in the late 1980’s. I didn’t have anything. yet over the years, I accumulated what I needed, when I needed it and more. This is something I’m going to strive to change.

What I want to change is my perception of “what I need”. With a steady job, a car for transportation, a roof over my head and food on the table, there isn’t much more. It’s going to be a struggle, like any new experience. I will have battles within myself when the compulsion comes over to buy something when I really don’t need it. That is the challenge and I accept it.

I guess I can’t explain my (overly?) excitement of this new adventure. Everything happening right now feels right. It feels fresh, new and exciting. I can’t wait to go, go, go. Perhaps

Perhaps this does relate to my sobriety in that I’m fulfilling a promise. The most important of them all:

“We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.“

 

 

Adopting the Minimalist Lifestyle

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

minimalism-min

Most of my life, both in active addiction and recovery, I have stockpiled crap. During my active addiction, it was like another obsession, “I could always use this later . . . ” However, during my sobriety, its more on the lines of, “I don’t want to lose this . . .” With my pending move to a new home, I’ve decided to adopt a new minimalist lifestyle. As Step 12 suggests, “. . . , practicing these principles in all our affairs.”

First, I put a twist on the most common slogan, “One Day at a Time”. In this case, taking the monumental task of just one section of the current home. After reading hundreds of articles on a minimalist lifestyle, I finally got my arse up away from the computer to tackle the walk in closet.

I took a tape measure out from a toolset (one I’ve never opened) measuring the space to be approximately 5 feet deep by 7.5 feet tall. It was stacked with stuff about 4 feet. Bags of JUNK from front to back. There are old computer parts (printers, screens, misc., etc.) and bags of unknown origins. So I took the most difficult step for me – throwing it all away. While some of it sits in the front room, a quarter of it sits in my car ready to be hauled to a willing commercial trash can.

It was a difficult task. Part of me, the new me, didn’t want to bother looking into the bag. If I didn’t know what it was – trash pile. On the other hand, there were strong impulses to go through each bag, “Just in case, you may need something . . .” It reminded me of my early days of sobriety. So, I adopted the same principles like I do in my sobriety:

  1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol the compulsion to save things –that our lives had become unmanageable.

Like in sobriety, I admit complete defeat. My Gods, I’ve buried my Self in a pile of JUNK over 4 feet high! Why? Because of my fear of losing things in my life again. I’m accepting the truth of the situation. I don’t and can’t live this way anymore. There is no need. I’m attempting to hold on to material things which, in reality, have no meaning in my life anymore. They are just things. I should no longer fear losing everything. I have to let it go!

Already, I have a sense of relief and sadness. I’m relieved the task if over. It’s been years, day after day, I told myself I would get rid of everything. Now the junk is out on the floor and ready to go! It’s like writing Step 1 on paper. Yet, part of me feels sad I’m throwing a part of my life away. Am I? Perhaps I’m not “throwing a part of my life” but simply “closing another chapter in my life, getting ready to write a new one”!

I made a promise to myself of change. I”m moving to a brand new place with the absolute minimum. It’s like writing a new chapter in my life on a blank page. I’m actually excited. I don’t know what the future holds, as it has yet to be written. But I do know this, “We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.” That is the goal and I’m just one Step, closer!

 

Letting Go

On By mikeykjrIn Personal, Work Rant2 Comments

I’m proud of myself, yet there is much I am still learning about the principle “Letting Go” specifically in the workplace. Workplace stress affects us all in different ways. Some people have the ability to handle it. While others, like myself, have difficult times. In recent days, I’m taking new measures (or steps) to not let work relationships bother me.

Many times in this blog I have written about my frustrations at work. Working as a certified nursing assistant (CNA) I’m responsible for the lives of those I care for, all the while dealing with different personalities of my co-workers, and attempting to manage my own life in sobriety. At times this can be a monumental task.

For instance, we have 30 residents on a floor. We are divided into three teams to handle the workload. With a particular group of individuals, we work as a team to accomplish our tasks. We set a plan in motion at the beginning of our shift of how things should flow to ensure we are successful in our responsibilities. But at the end of the night, I’m frustrated because a majority of the work is done by one individual. My fear is I will be accused of not doing my own workload.

But at the end of the night, I’m frustrated because a majority of the work is done by one individual. My fear is I will be accused of not doing my own workload. I have talked to this individual to “slow down” allowing the other two of us to “pull our own weight”. Yet, I feel my concerns fall on deaf ears. What bothers me the most is when this individual turns around to complain she is doing all the work.

In addition, this individual takes it upon herself to work with an active injury. Knowing this, I’ve suggested the individual takes measures to ensure their own welfare. Again, my concerns and suggestions fall on deaf ears. Yet, the individual will begin to loudly complain, “I just can’t do this anymore . . .” It gets annoying after a while.

What does this have to do with me? Absolutely nothing – that is the point. This individual is responsible for their own choices. No matter how annoying or frustrated I get, this individual is causing her own chaos. I have to remind myself of the simple principle of “Letting it Go”.

My fear of being accused of not doing my own workload will subside. It is my understanding this individual has already taken measures to change responsibilities in the coming weeks. In the meantime, I’m trying the best of my ability not to let my frustrations and annoyance get the better of me. That in itself is the challenge I face.

 

 

 

 

 

Memorial Day 2017

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

 

As you may or may not know, I’m an amateur genealogist. Many of my family members have been service men or women in the Armed Forces during various conflicts (Vietnam War, Korean War, WWI and WWII and Civil War). Today, I want to thank those in the past and present for serving in the Armed Forces of the United States.

Memorial-Day

Today, I’ve decided to go down my own memory lane. As you know, I’ve fought my own battles with addiction. Before WordPress, I had online journal through LiveJournal. Livejournal was one of the first “blogging” sites in the old days of the Internet. Starting in 2002, I started blogging events in my life on a regular basis. However, in 2017, I ended my relationship with Livejournal transferring service WordPress. As the use of Livejournal declines, I’m afraid my entries will soon disappear. Therefore I’m taking the painful task of downloading them all, month by month.

Painful, yes, but I’m okay. Tears flow down my face as I read memories of my past. Over and over, I asked myself, “When is this all going to end?” At times, the world around me goes dark and I’m re-living some of the worst times in my life. Afterward, when I snap myself out of my memory, it is a relief the life I lived back then is truly over.

But for many addicts, they do not survive. Since the beginning of my sobriety in Dec 2007, I have had many friends who have lost their own battles with addiction, never to rise again for their own battlefields. There are others, like myself, who continue to suffer from the wounds inflicted by our addiction(s).

surgeon_general.png

So today, while I honor those who gave their lives in physical battles, I also want to honor those who lost their lives to their addictions.

You, too, will not be forgotten!

 

 

 

Someone is Talking to You

On By mikeykjrIn Alcoholics Anonymous, PersonalLeave a comment

Last week a co-worker confided in me he got a DUI.  He took an opportunity to pull me aside, knowing I am open with my recovery, stating, “Mike, I don’t believe in the 12-Step program but I can’t continue to live like this . . .” We had a good conversation of where he is now and, if he chooses to, what can be done to stop the insanity currently controlling his life. A couple days later, he contacted me asking if we could go to a meeting. Last night, I took him to a meeting where he lives (about an hour drive from me). The experience showed him how the program works.

We arrived at a small church in this small town proceeding downstairs to the basement. Immediately, as in AA fashion, people greeted us knowing we were “out of towners”.  Before the meeting, we chatted with others for a bit and between ourselves about the program. My intuition (my HP) was telling me this was going to be a good meeting.

After the typical Preamble, 12 Steps, 12 Traditions and Promises readings, a topic was decided – the importance of meetings. It couldn’t have been a better topic for the both of us! My friend didn’t know it at the time but I hadn’t been to a meeting myself in a couple of months.

At the tail end of the meeting, the chairperson asked, “Would the person from Binghamton like to speak?” I obliged by recounting how people who already spoke brought a message to me. Several people spoke about how they missed meetings and relapsed. They all had their own excuses, as I recounted mine saying, “I’m too busy and don’t have time.” I explained how a person with 10 years of sobriety, lost it in a minute due to lack of meetings. Another had seven days of sobriety after a recent relapse, again because of a lack of meetings. I too could be both those people – all because I didn’t go to meetings. “Someone is talking to me, my HP and I need to listen and do the right thing!”

Afterward, my friend and I went to Denny’s for dinner. I answered several questions but felt I was bombarding him with program information perhaps he wasn’t ready for right now. Instead, he was thankful for me driving all the way, taking him to a meeting and showing him how the program really works. I guess WE gave him a first good impression.

We have already talked about going to another meeting here in the next couple of days. We both have to find out what our schedules are at work and try to coordinate a good date and time. Meanwhile, he got a recent meeting list and I “suggested” he try to get to at least a meeting a day. However, if he couldn’t, for whatever reason, to call me or pull me aside at work. I would be more than willing to talk to him about events going on in his life.

So the ball is in his court. I have done my part. It is my hope he continues his journey.

 

 

The Jump

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

After the Winter of 2016 into 2017, I vowed to move closer to work. An opportunity presented itself. Yet, knowing myself, I proceeded cautiously. Today, I made the decision to move to a new home. As expected, I have 1,000 emotions going through me at once, I can’t think straight.

I’ve decided to move from a one bedroom apartment  in Binghamton, NY, into a three bedroom trailer in Van Etten, NY. PIctures will be posted at the end of this post for those interested. After viewing the property the other day, I called around for services (i.e. cable, internet, fuel oil for heating and propane). Today I created a budget based on potential income and expenses.

So I took the jump, called the new landlord and I’ll be moving July 1, 2017.

I can’t believe I’m doing this . . . more later.

New Home Pictures

 

Full Circle

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

Yesterday I had an appointment to view some property in Van Etten, NY. As I drove to my destination, I went through Spencer, NY. I was flooded with memories of the times at the end of my drinking days. All I could do to stay on the road was to keep wiping my eyes from the flood of tears coming down my cheeks. It’s interesting how things have come full circle.

I can remember months before my sobriety date in 2007. I was drinking at least a 30 pack of Milwaukee’s Best lager or more. It was only $7.00 for a 12 pack or $15 for a 30-pack with a short trip to Pennsylvania. The things I did to get beer.

As I passed a certain road, I remember the all day trip it took me just to get my beer. Four miles of road took me an hour and a half one way, so THREE HOURS total. I would buy a 12-pack at the store, go back home and by the time I hit my front door, I have a couple cans left. I would take a nap and go back into town to get another 12-pack for the night. Absolute insanity.

Meanwhile, my rent was three months late. My landlord was threatening to throw me out. I didn’t have a job. My unemployment had run out in November. I had no fuel for heat, so I was running to a gas station to get 2 gallons of kerosene every day too. I couldn’t even think of food. My refrigerator was empty. In the last couple of days, I couldn’t remember the last time I took a shower because I had used all the propane, so I had no hot water either. It was a miserable experience.

Now it has come full circle. I’m full of emotions because that was who I was at the time. Today I’m 150% a different person. I am a responsible adult who pays his bills on time, is not in threat of eviction or lack of basic services. I have transportation and a well paying job. I am committed to traveling the path I am on with sobriety. But don’t think the journey has ended.

I’m beginning, yet another, new chapter in my life.  As I search for a new home closer to work, new stresses will begin to pop up I’m sure. Yes, there will be bumps in the road. But in the end, I’ll survive without grabbing for a drink.

Now I have this song in my head:  https://youtu.be/fCR0ep31-6U

The Move & Anxiety Update

On By mikeykjrIn Personal3 Comments

Since I don’t update this blog on a regular basis on personal events, let me update those that choose to read here. I have been traveling to/from work 50 miles one way, an hour and a half drive each way, at least five times a week. I vowed to move after Winter was over but events in my life postponed my plans. Once again, the time has come for me to move forward. Therefore, “The Move” is a priority of my life.

I have lived at my current address for almost ten years. A year after I got sober, back in 2007, I went through a sober living program which offered a place to live. In 2009, I moved into an apartment where I continue to reside today. I have repaved my path in life in this place, such memories, are going to be painful when I leave. Then again, I look at it another way; it’s the right time in my life to start a new chapter in my life of sobriety. But it comes with much anxiety.

Much of my anxiety is a result of my own choosing. Selfish as it may seem, I am very picky of where I want to move. Cities and towns have plagued my life, so I’ve decided to look at a more country setting. Unable to buy my own home, I’m looking to still rent and such costs will increase 50% or more. Perhaps because I making move from a one bedroom to a three bedroom? In addition, I will also incur additional costs (fuel for heat, propane for cooking, etc.) Even cable services will increase dramatically since major supplies like Spectrum/Time Warner Cable don’t service the area. Yikes! What the hell am I thinking? I’m still crunching numbers with my salary and expenses, but based on the higher cost of living where I work, it might be feasible. Or am I kidding myself?

I’m just viewing properties and gathering information. But it’s becoming a monumental task. Perhaps this is why I have delayed it for so long. I’m comfortable where I’m at and the expected expenses. However, the downside is the cost of repairs to my car. If I don’t have a car, I won’t be able to enjoy the benefits of working where I am.

On thing I’ve learned from my past – don’t rush things. Recently I’ve found an acronym for STOP: Stop, Think, Observe, and Plan . Like my sobriety, I’m taking this one day at a time. I’m not overwhelming myself with information. One property, research a few things and put it aside for a different day. It’s not something I have to make a decision right now. Yes, its getting to be an urgent situation but I’ve come to accept “it will happen when it happens”.

Honestly, I can’t wait to move to start a new chapter in my life. It just won’t be today.

 

Living Life on Life’s Terms

On By mikeykjrIn Personal, Work Rant1 Comment

Nine days ago I had written, “Peaceful and content“. Despite the uneventfulness in my life, I was okay with where I am and where I’m going in my life. Nothing really has changed. However, as many have recently written in their own blogs, I am experiencing some challenges. Typically I don’t talk about work for various reasons. Work is just another chapter of life which we have to navigate the sudden turbulence that occurs from time to time. “Living life on life’s terms” can be difficult at times.

I’ve been a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) since September 2016, finally getting license in November 2016. There was a moment in time when I questioned my decision to pursue this new career. It brought me down a dark path, a path I had walked down in the past and vowed never to walk down again. I survived not drinking with those in the recovery community  and I’ve been grateful for everyone’s support.

Today, my bones are telling me to, once again, “batten down the hatches”. This is typical in a nursing home environment. Staffing issues continue to plague my employer. For example, I am the senior CNA working on the 2nd shift (3 p.m. to 11 p.m.) There have been several new employees who have come and gone for various reasons. It’s unfortunate but we can’t seem to inspire people to stay employed.

To add to the mix, I have learned a resident has now confided in a social worker to review actions by employees for possible abuse and neglect. This is something typical in a nursing home, Unfortunately residents have to wait and can’t be cared for at a moments notice, thus feeling neglected and/or abused. However, it’s come to my attention myself and another recent full-time employee may be under the microscope.

Honestly, this scares the crap out of me and upsets me at the same time. While I have nothing to hide knowing I’ve done my job, at times above and beyond what I’m required, part of me questions, “What have I missed?”. When I can’t find answers, I’m frustrated a resident would bring up such false accusations.  “Did I do something wrong” and “How dare the resident do such a thing!” These are questions I shouldn’t ask myself.

I have learned in situations like this I need to remain confident in my abilities. My past teaches me my old way of thinking (my stinking thinking), doubting myself and my abilities, lead to lies upon lies eventually picking up a drink. However, if I’m honest with myself, I know differently. But even when we have almost a decade of sobriety, these thoughts try to creep into our conscious.

While it’s still nerve racking, I know my place in all this – I have done nothing wrong. I can’t control what others think or say. I have to be steadfast (firm and unwavering) of my actions. When all is said and done, the truth will be found. “Living life on life’s terms” is seeing the situation for what it is. We must live in the present without fear of all possible outcomes. I just have to remind myself of that today

living_life_on_lifes_terms.

 

 

 

 

Peacefulness and Content

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

For the last two weeks I’ve been at peace and content with my life. Financially I’m stable after getting myself in a pickle. My relationship with my Sponsor ended, so I’ve kept it that way, for now. But the wait, waiting for bigger and better things, is hard.

In the month of March, my car was due for a NYS inspection. My tires and brakes had to be replaced. After digging in my pocket, spending the money set aside for my future move, I’m back to square one. But after a impromptu trip to a local casino, I’m back on track. The Gods must have plans for me!

I’m not willing, at this time, to invest in a relationship with my ex-Sponsor. He’s contacted me once with a reply of, “Are you over your resentment?” I’m not holding a resentment. I left all ill feelings at his door when I left. So I was cordial but with a sting, “Thank you asking how I’m doing. Have a nice day!” I’m just not going down that road again.

The weather is not cooperating for me to venture out. It was stormy last week, now its occasional rain for the next couple of days.  Perhaps I should look at this as an opportunity to clean this apartment as planned for the last six months.  I’m going to make a commitment to myself to, at the least, to throw out things that are stuffed in bags. I mean literally not even look inside – just toss.

While I’m content and at peace where I am in my life, I’m also waiting for bigger and better things. The “I want it now” attitude moves to the forefront of my brain and its hard to keep it under control. I don’t want to slip into making the wrong decisions. I’m pacing myself the best I can. One thing at a time is enough.