Tag: acceptance

A Step in the Right Direction

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings, Personal, SNHULeave a comment

Last weekend I put myself through an emotional roller coaster. I was overwhelmed with three areas of my life: college, work, and myself. At times I didn’t know up from down, nor down from up. There were times I didn’t know if I was going to survive; I almost gave up. Yet, when I took the time needed to take a look at myself, trusting in the process, I woke up refreshed taking a step in the right direction.

First, there was this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Since I work overnights, I don’t have a lot of contact with my support network. Yet, I forgot the most important thing – the connection with a Higher Power.

I became so enmeshed with time constraints I began to cut things out. Since most of my free time has been studying, reading, writing, and solving complex mathematical problems, I just skipped right past it or didn’t read it at all. That includes the daily posts I put up here. Yet, when I slowed myself down, took a deep breath, something changed. The connection with my Higher Power was rekindled.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

p. 417, Acceptance is the Answer, Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

The above is one of my favorite quotes. At times I forget to remind myself of it. It wasn’t until I started writing this entry; this quote came to mind. That one little paragraph says so much. The most powerful message, for me, is the very last sentence, “I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.“

Ever heard of Rule #62 – “Don’t take your life [yourself] so damn seriously!“. It’s another good one. When I think back and read what was going on, especially with school, it appears to be a form of perfectionism. That is common in many addicts; the desire to be perfect all the time or an OCD everything must adhere to their specifications. While I do want to do well in school, it doesn’t mean I have to jeopardize my health and sanity for an A. Just like high school, no one is going to ask what I got in my college algebra class when I apply for a job – or they shouldn’t! It doesn’t matter. Perhaps use the same principle I try to at work every day – do the best with what you learn and leave the rest.

Even today I wasn’t as frantic about getting everything done. I could (but avoid) turning things in late for courses with a 10% penalty. I just reviewed last week’s grades, which I passed with all A’s. I got a 95% on my MAT136 assignment, but now the instructor says I could go back and re-do those I got wrong for a better score. WTF? Why?

If I remember to keep these points a top priority in my life, perhaps I won’t sink into that dark abyss. At least it’s a step in the right direction. I’m at peace again.

Ready to Take a Hike

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

For those who are active readers here – NO, this does NOT relate to my sobriety. My sobriety, despite the constant “issues” at work, is quite intact. What I’m feeling is the greatest pull toward something new I’ve ever felt in my life. I’m ready to take a hike, move on with my life.

My lease was signed for my new place where I’m moving on June 6, 2017. I recently received a copy in the mail. I got a little nervous because it took so long but those nerves subsided when the landlord said his secretary was on vacation. Looking at this signed lease in front of me just makes me want to pack up and go!

Basically, I’m starting over. Like I said before, I have a couple goals in mind. One is that of a minimalistic lifestyle. Removing all the material things in my life causing clutter is already working. I’m more peaceful and content.

On the other hand, my brain wants to compound itself with projects upon projects of new things to do (and possibly buy). Right now I have to remind myself the “One Day at a Time ” methodology; I haven’t even moved into the new place, so why worry about what I may need, will I be able to afford it, etc. Worrying about something not happening yet can put me on a path I’d rather not go down.

I’m only moving some personal items. For instance, my computers will all go with me. I still have to figure out which monitors work. Once that’s done, I have to visit the city landfill to properly dispose of them. Once at the new residence, I’m planning on backing up information to an external drive and starting over on all my machines.

Since I’m working most of the time (wearing scrubs), there is no need to bring all my clothes but a select few of outfits. Typically when I’m at home, I’m in sweats and a t-shirt. I do have to remember to bring some seasonal clothing too! Perhaps an outfit or two, a jacket for winter, gloves and such. Besides, I won’t be smoking at the new place. My current selection looks and smells disgusting, so I’ll be glad to either throw it away or donate to my favorite charity, the Salvation Army (bad sarcasm).

Currently, I don’t really cook for myself. Fast-food dining is my life blood. Once I move, I will have to cook much more often, thus a new experience. Already, I have worried friends, “Michael, you’re going to starve yourself. Let me know if I can help you . . .”

I will be moving no furniture. I’ll be sleeping on a blow-up mattress until such time I can afford a real bed again. Bedroom furniture and living room furniture will come in its own time. Honestly, a beanbag or cushion on the floor is good for me!

Seriously, that’s it. A couple road trips back and forth, then it’s done.

It reminds me of my youth when I moved out of my parent’s house back in the late 1980’s. I didn’t have anything. yet over the years, I accumulated what I needed, when I needed it and more. This is something I’m going to strive to change.

What I want to change is my perception of “what I need”. With a steady job, a car for transportation, a roof over my head and food on the table, there isn’t much more. It’s going to be a struggle, like any new experience. I will have battles within myself when the compulsion comes over to buy something when I really don’t need it. That is the challenge and I accept it.

I guess I can’t explain my (overly?) excitement of this new adventure. Everything happening right now feels right. It feels fresh, new and exciting. I can’t wait to go, go, go. Perhaps

Perhaps this does relate to my sobriety in that I’m fulfilling a promise. The most important of them all:

“We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.“

 

 

Living Life on Life’s Terms

On By mikeykjrIn Personal, Work Rant1 Comment

Nine days ago I had written, “Peaceful and content“. Despite the uneventfulness in my life, I was okay with where I am and where I’m going in my life. Nothing really has changed. However, as many have recently written in their own blogs, I am experiencing some challenges. Typically I don’t talk about work for various reasons. Work is just another chapter of life which we have to navigate the sudden turbulence that occurs from time to time. “Living life on life’s terms” can be difficult at times.

I’ve been a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) since September 2016, finally getting license in November 2016. There was a moment in time when I questioned my decision to pursue this new career. It brought me down a dark path, a path I had walked down in the past and vowed never to walk down again. I survived not drinking with those in the recovery community  and I’ve been grateful for everyone’s support.

Today, my bones are telling me to, once again, “batten down the hatches”. This is typical in a nursing home environment. Staffing issues continue to plague my employer. For example, I am the senior CNA working on the 2nd shift (3 p.m. to 11 p.m.) There have been several new employees who have come and gone for various reasons. It’s unfortunate but we can’t seem to inspire people to stay employed.

To add to the mix, I have learned a resident has now confided in a social worker to review actions by employees for possible abuse and neglect. This is something typical in a nursing home, Unfortunately residents have to wait and can’t be cared for at a moments notice, thus feeling neglected and/or abused. However, it’s come to my attention myself and another recent full-time employee may be under the microscope.

Honestly, this scares the crap out of me and upsets me at the same time. While I have nothing to hide knowing I’ve done my job, at times above and beyond what I’m required, part of me questions, “What have I missed?”. When I can’t find answers, I’m frustrated a resident would bring up such false accusations.  “Did I do something wrong” and “How dare the resident do such a thing!” These are questions I shouldn’t ask myself.

I have learned in situations like this I need to remain confident in my abilities. My past teaches me my old way of thinking (my stinking thinking), doubting myself and my abilities, lead to lies upon lies eventually picking up a drink. However, if I’m honest with myself, I know differently. But even when we have almost a decade of sobriety, these thoughts try to creep into our conscious.

While it’s still nerve racking, I know my place in all this – I have done nothing wrong. I can’t control what others think or say. I have to be steadfast (firm and unwavering) of my actions. When all is said and done, the truth will be found. “Living life on life’s terms” is seeing the situation for what it is. We must live in the present without fear of all possible outcomes. I just have to remind myself of that today

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