Tag: alcoholism

DR – November 11, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
November 11, 2018

Daily Reflection

SELF-ACCEPTANCE

We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter.

TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 105

I pray for the willingness to remember that I am a child of God, a divine soul in human form, and that my most basic and urgent life-task is to accept, know, love and nurture myself. As I accept myself, I am accepting God’s will. As I know and love myself, I am knowing and loving God. As I nurture myself I am acting on God’s guidance. I pray for the willingness to let go of my arrogant self-criticism, and to praise God by humbly accepting and caring for myself.

Big Book Quote

“The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until is material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job wife or no wife we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Working With Others, pg. 98~

Twentty-Four Hours a Day

A.A. Thought For The Day

When I think of all who have gone before me, I realize that I am only one, not very important, person. What happens to me is not so very important after all. And A.A. has taught me to be more outgoing, to seek friendship by going at least half way; to have a sincere desire to help. I have more self-respect now that I have less sensitiveness. I have found that the only way to live comfortably with myself is to take a real interest in others. Do I realize that I am not so important after all?

Meditation For The Day

As you look back over your life, it is not too difficult to believe that what you went through was for a purpose, to prepare you for some valuable work in life. Everything in your way may well have been planned by God to make you of some use in the world. Each person’s life is like the pattern of a mosaic. Each thing that happened to you is like one tiny stone in the mosaic, and each tiny stone fits into the perfected pattern of the mosaic of your life, which has been designed by God.

Keep It Simple

Have the courage to live; anyone can die.—Robert Cody

Living means facing all of life. Life is joy and sorrow. We used to be people who wanted the joy without the sorrow. But we can learn from hard times, maybe more than we do in easy times. Often, getting through hard times helps us grow. When things get tough, maybe we want to turn and run. Then, a gentle voice from within us say, “I am with you. You have friends who will help.” If we listen, we’ll hear our Higher Power. This is what is meant by “conscious contact” in Step eleven. As this conscious contact grows, our courage grows. And we find the atrength to face hard times.

Prayer for the Day:
I pray for the strength and courage to live. I pray that I’ll never have to face hard time alone again.

Action for the Day: I’ll list two examples of conscious contact” in my life.

Each Day A New Beginning

Life has got to be lived–that’s all there is to it. At 70 I would say the advantage is that you take life more calmly. You know that, “This, too, shall pass!”

–Eleanor Roosevelt

Wisdom comes with age, but also with maturity. It is knowing that all is well in the midst of a storm. And as our faith grows, as we trust more that there is a power greater than ourselves which will see us through, we can relax, secure that a better time awaits us.

We will come to understand the part a difficult circumstance has played in our lives. Hindsight makes so much clear. The broken marriage, the lost job, the loneliness have all contributed to who we are becoming. The joy of the wisdom we are acquiring is that hindsight comes more quickly. We can, on occasion, begin to accept a difficult situation’s contribution to our wholeness while caught in the turmoil.

How far we have come! So seldom do we stay caught, really trapped, in the fear of misunderstanding. Life must teach us all we need to know. We can make the way easier by stretching our trust–by knowing fully that the pain of the present will open the way to the serenity of the future.

I know that this too shall pass.

Elder’s Meditaiton

“If you don’t know the language, you’ll only see the surface of the culture…the language is the heart of the culture and you cannot separate it.”

— Elaine Ramos, TLINGIT

The Creator gave to every person their own special way to communicate and understand. Indians understand connectedness, balance, harmony, spirituality, and the relationship to Mother Earth. The understanding of these things is expressed in the language. The true understanding of culture is expressed in the language. The language is the heart of the people. If we have not learned the language, we need to find a teacher.

Great Spirit, help me to learn the culture. Let me pray and sing to You in my language.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Someone in your intimate circle might demand more of your attention and time than you want to give. Of course, you try to be sensitive to the needs of others, but it’s difficult to strike an accord between your own pressing concerns and theirs. Be careful of compromising too quickly today, especially if you wind up with the cruddier end of the stick. Patiently hearing out everyone’s views is the only sensible strategy. See if you can work out a win-win solution, but don’t make a bad deal just to make a deal. No deal may even be a better one as long as all parties feel heard.

DR – November 10, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
November 10, 2018

Daily Reflection

A SENSE OF BELONGING

Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us.

~ TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 105

That’s what it is — belonging! After a session of meditation I knew that the feeling I was experiencing was a sense of belonging because I was so relaxed. I felt quieter inside, more willing to discard little irritations. I appreciated my sense of humor. What I also experience in my daily practice is the sheer pleasure of belonging to the creative flow of God’s world. How propitious for us that prayer and meditation are written right into our
A.A. way of life.

Big Book Quote

“I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was a crushing blow.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, More About Alcoholism, pg. 42~

Twenty-Four Hours a Day

A.A. Thought For The Day

I am less self centered. The world used to revolve around me at the center. I cared more about myself, my own needs and desires, my own pleasure, my own way, than I did about the whole rest of the world. What happened to me was more important than anything else I could think of. I was selfishly trying to be happy and therefore I was unhappy most of the time. I have found that selfishly seeking pleasure does not bring true happiness. Thinking of myself all the time cut me off from the best in life. A.A. taught me to care less about myself and more about the other fellow. Am I less self-centered?

Meditation For The Day

When something happens to upset you and you are discouraged, try to feel that life’s difficulties and troubles are not intended to arrest your progress in the spiritual life, but to test your strength and increase your determination to keep going. Whatever it is that must be met, you are to either overcome it or use it. Nothing should daunt you for long, nor should any difficulty overcome or conquer you. God’s strength will always be there, waiting for you to use it. Nothing can be too great to be overcome, or if not overcome, then used.

Prayer For The Day

I pray that I may know that there can be no failure with God.
I pray that with His help I may live a more victorious life.

Keep It Simple

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.—Will Rogers

The greatest adventure ever is recovery, and action is what’s important in recovery. That’s
because the Twelve Steps are full of action. The whole world has now opened up to us. At
times, this will scare us. But we aren’t alone. Our Higher Power is there to help us. All we
have to ask ourselves is, “Would this action keep me in touch with my Higher Power?” If the
answer is yes, then we take action. If the answer is no, then we don’t.

In recovery, we’ll be busy. We admit our wrongs. We take inventories. We seek answers. We
ask for help. We are to get as much as we can out of life. We can’t sit and watch; we have to
get out and live life.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, You gave me a second chance at life. Help me use it and not let my fear stop.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll five things I want to do but I’m afraid to try. I’ll talk to someone I trust about how I can do these things.

Each Day A New Beginning

Because society would rather we always wore a pretty face, women have been trained to cut off anger. –Nancy Friday

Anger is an emotion. Not a bad one, nor a good one; it simply exists when particular conditions in our lives are not met as we’d hoped. We can get free of our anger if we choose to take action appropriate to it. Anger can be a healthy prompter of action. But when no action is taken, anger turns inward, negatively

influencing our perceptions of all experiences, all human interaction.

We need to befriend all of our emotions. We need to trust that they all can serve us when we befriend them, learn from them, act in healthy concert with them. Our emotions reveal the many faces of our soul. And all are valid, deserving respect and acceptance. They are all representative of the inner self.

Because we are less at home with anger, it becomes more powerful. When we deny it, it doesn’t disappear. It surfaces in unrelated circumstances, complicating our lives in unnecessary ways. We can learn to enjoy our anger by celebrating the positive action it prompts. We can cherish the growth that accompanies it, when we take the steps we need to.

It’s okay for me to be angry today. It’s growthful, if I use it for good.

Elder’s Meditation

“The battle for Indian children will be won in the classroom, not on the streets or on horses. The students of today are our warriors of tomorrow.”
— Wilma P. Mankiller, CHEROKEE

The world is constantly changing. One of the strengths of Indian people has been our adaptability. In today’s world, education is what we need to survive. We need doctors, lawyers, teachers, scientists. We can become these things and still live in a cultural way. We need to live in two worlds; the educated world and the Indian cultural world. Education will help protect our land, our people’s health, and provide knowledge for our people. We must teach reading, writing, and arithmetic. Also, we must teach the language, the culture, the ceremony, and the tradition of our people.

Creator, let me remember You are my teacher.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Implementing subtle but powerful changes can happen without interference now. Consider the smoothness of this energetic shift the parting gift of the independent Sagittarius Moon’s free-flowing trine to innovative Uranus. Don’t stress today over whether a modification will last. Be grateful for the opportunities to evolve and for your eagerness to begin a new set of routines. Author Leni Zumas wrote, “I am fascinated by tiny, incremental changes, almost imperceptible shifts in how people orient themselves in the world, because those are in some ways the most hopeful.”

DR – November 9, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
November 9, 2018

Daily Reflection

STEPPING INTO THE SUNLIGHT

But first of all we shall want sunlight; nothing much can grow in the dark. Meditation is our step out into the sun.

AS BILL SEES IT, p. 10

Sometimes I think I don’t have time for prayer and meditation, forgetting that I always found the time to drink. It is possible to make time for anything I want to do if I want it badly enough. When I start the routine of prayer and meditation, it’s a good idea to plan to devote a small amount of time to it. I read a page from our Fellowship’s books in the morning, and say “Thank You, God,” when I go to bed at night. As prayer becomes a habit, I will in- crease the time spent on it, without even noticing the foray it makes into my busy day. If I have trouble praying, I just repeat the Lord’s Prayer because it really covers everything. Then I think of what I can be grateful for and say a word of thanks.

I don’t need to shut myself in a closet to pray. It can be done even in a room full of people. I just remove myself mentally for an instant. As the practice of prayer continues, I will find I don’t need words, for God can, and does, hear my thoughts through silence.

Big Book Quote

“As a class, alcoholics are energetic people. They work hard and they play hard. Your man should be on his mettle to make good. Being somewhat weakened, and faced with physical and mental readjustment to a life which knows no alcohol, he may overdo. You may have to curb his desire to work sixteen hours a day. You may need to encourage him to play once in a while. He may wish to do a lot for other alcoholics and something of the sort may come up during business hours. A reasonable amount of latitude will be helpful. This work is necessary to maintain his sobriety.”

Alcoholics Anonymous – Fourth Edition, Chapter 10 – To Employers, p. 146

Twentty-Four Hours a Day, AA Though for the Day

I have learned to be less negative and more positive. I used to take a negative view of almost everything. Most people, in my estimation, were bluffing. There seemed to be very little good in the world, but lots of hypocrisy and sham. People could not be trusted. They would “take you ” if they could. All church-goers were partly hypocrites. It seemed I should take everything “with a grain of salt.” That was my general attitude toward life. Now I am more positive. I believe in people and in their capabilities. There is much love and truth and honesty in the world. I try not to run people down. Life now seems worthwhile and it is good to live. Am I less negative and more positive?

Meditation For The Day

Think of God as a Great Friend and try to realize the wonder of that friendship. When you give God not only worship, obedience, and allegiance, but also close companionship, then He can feel that He and you are working together. He can do things for you and you can do things for Him. Your prayers become more real to you when you feel that God counts on your friendship and you count on His.

Prayer For The Day
I pray that I may think of God as my Friend.
I pray that I may feel that I am working for
Him and with Him.

Keep It Simple

He who can take advice is sometimes superior to he who can give it. —Karl von Knebel

In recovery, we learn that we don’t know everything. We had stopped listening. Most of us had been asked by family, friends, doctors, and employers to stop drinking and using other drugs. But, we didn’t listen. If we had listened, we would’ve been in this program long ago. Addiction did something to how we listen. We heard only what we wanted to hear. Do I still hear only what I want?

In recovery, we learn to listen. We listen to our groups. We listen to our sponsor. We listen as we read. The better we listen, the better our recovery. Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, open my ears and eyes to this new way of life. Allow me to hear Your wisdom in the Twelve Steps. Allow me to be someone who takes advice, not just gives it.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll try to listen. Today I’ll seek the advice to others. I’ll ask my sponsor how I may better my program.

Each Day A New Beginning

On any journey, we must find out where we are before we can plan the first step.
–Kathy Boevink

Our lives in all aspects are a journey toward a destination, one fitting to our purpose, our special gifts, our particular needs as women. Each day contributes to our journey, carrying us closer to our destination. However, we often take a circuitous route. We get stranded or waylaid by our selfish desires, by the intrusion of our controlling ego.

We can reflect on the progress we’ve made toward our destination, the steps we’ve taken that have unknowingly contributed to our journey. Our easiest steps have been the ones we took in partnership with God. It’s in God’s mind that our path is well marked.

We are just where we need to be today. The experiences that we meet are like points on the map of our journey. Some of them are rest stops. Others resemble high-speed straight-aways. The journey to our destination is not always smooth, but the more we let God sit in the driver’s seat, the easier will be our ride.

I will plan my journey today with God’s help, and my ride will be smooth.

Elder’s Meditation

“Language is a vehicle for carrying spirit, life, and family. Language, religion, and land base are three things that characterize culture.”
— Edmund Ladd, ZUNI PUEBLO

The Elders say we need to know the answers to three questions in order for us to be connected; the Earth, the Sky, the East, the West, the South, and the North. The three questions are: 1. Why are we? 2. Who are we? 3.Where are we going? If we know the language, if we have our spirituality, and if we can pray on sacred spots, then we are able to seek the answer to the questions. We must protect the language, religion, and land so our future generations can stay connected.

Great Spirit, help us maintain our language, spirit, family, religion and our Mother Earth.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Boredom will not be one of your problems today. You’re high on energy, pluck, and excitement with the fast-moving Moon and Mercury roaming together in adventurous Sagittarius. But you might demand more information than you have time to understand or expect to go to more places than you can possibly visit in a day. Respect your limits by breaking your goals into manageable chunks. Your need for sleep is just part of being a human. Indeed, the spirit is willing and the flesh is weak.

DR November 8, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
November 8, 2018

Daily Reflection

AN INDIVIDUAL ADVENTURE

Meditation is something which can always be further developed. It has no boundaries, either of width or height. Aided by such instruction and example as we can find, it is essentially an individual adventure, something which each one of us works out in his own way.

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 101

My spiritual growth is with God as I understand Him. With Him I find my true inner self. Daily meditation and prayer strengthen and renew my source of well-being. I receive then the openness to accept all that He has to offer. With God I have the reassurance that my journey will be as He wants for me, and for that I am grateful to have God in my life.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“Another principle we observe carefully is that we do not relate intimate experiences of another person unless we are sure he would approve. We find it better, when possible, to stick to our own stories. A man may criticize or laugh at himself and it will affect others favorably, but criticism or ridicule coming from another often produces the contrary effect.”

Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, The Family Afterward, pg. 125

Keep It Simple

Any man may make a mistake; none but a fool will persist in it.  —Cicero.

The way we face life’s challenges is what gives meaning to our lives. If we run from our mistakes, they follow us. If we stand up and work with them, we learn. Facing our mistakes teaches us wisdom and courage. Our self-respect grows. Spiritual growth means asking, “How would my Higher Power want me to deal with this mistake?” Then we listen for the answer and do what is needed. The better we get at facing our mistakes, the better we become at learning from them. Native American culture teaches us that all mistakes in life are gifts. The gift is that we are given a chance to learn.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me face the mistakes of life and find the lessons that lie within them.

Action for the Day:
When I make a mistake, I’ll stop and ask, “What does my Higher Power want me to learn from this?”

Each Day A New Beginning

As in the physical world, so in the spiritual world, pain does not “last forever.”

–Katherine Mansfield

Each of us struggles with pain and its repercussions; some of us more than others. At times pain seems unending. Sometimes we hang onto the pain in our lives, maybe because we fear even more what’s on the other side. The unknown so easily controls us. Right at this moment, each of us can look back on other painful times and feel thankful for what they taught us. The puzzle pieces take on a deeper meaning when we enjoy the gift of perspective. The pain at this moment fits, too, in the bigger picture of our lives. And it will pass. It is passing.

The wisdom of the past tells us that pain enriches us, prepares us to better serve others. We come to know who we are and the specialness of our gifts through the despair that at times encumbers us. An old, wise saying, is, “We are never given more than we can handle.”
My pain today is bringing me closer to the woman I’m meant to be. With each breath I’ll remember that.

Today’s Gift – Hazelden

First Things First – Order

Busy people often declare, with some exasperation, that they cannot do everything at once. People with emotional problems, a group that includes many alcoholics, often feel that they are trying to do everything at once. Quite often, this pressure means that we waste our time fretting about all the things facing us, becoming totally ineffective as a result.

The simple slogan “First things first” shows us how to set priorities in an orderly way. In every situation or problem, there is always one step we can take that is more important than the others. Following that, we find a step of second importance, another of third importance, and so on. Sometimes, a certain action comes first simply because other things depend on it.

By using “First things first” as a guiding principle in our lives, we can live in an orderly, disciplined manner. If we have work to do today, we can plan to do the most important things first. If we have to reduce our activities, we can decide which activities we ought to retain. Having made these decisions, we can be at peace about our choices. We cannot do everything at once and we need not feel guilty about it.

Knowing that order is Heaven’s first law, I’ll do things today in an orderly manner.

Elder’s Meditation

“See how the boy is with his sister and the other ones of his home lodge and you can know how the man will be with your daughter.”
— LAKOTA Proverb

Very early in our lives we form beliefs, attitudes, expectations, and habits. We will live by these habits when we are older. The Elders say to watch the boy with his sister. If he is respectful and treats her good, then odds are that’s the way he will treat all women when he is older. Also, watch the young girl and how she treats her brother, for that will indicate what kind of woman she will be to her man. We need to teach our children to respect one another while they are young. The best way to teach them is to show respect ourselves.

Great Spirit, let me be a role model for the children.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You receive a much-needed energetic boost when you are willing to commit to a disciplined daily routine. Exuberant Jupiter amplifies your 6th House of Work, empowering you with new ways of executing common tasks. Thankfully, there’s no need to spend too much time integrating this energy into your natural momentum. Embrace the zeal of Jupiter’s partnership with the adventurous Sagittarius Moon and put on your badge of courage. You can grow bigger than your problems if you face your fears with the power of a superhero.

DR – November 7, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
November 7, 2018

<b><u>Daily Reflection</u></b>

LET GO AND LET

“. . . praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out”

~TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 96

When I “Let Go and Let God,” I think more clearly and wisely. Without having to think about it, I quickly let go of things that cause me immediate pain and discomfort. Because I find it hard to let go of the kind of worrisome thoughts and attitudes that cause me immense anguish, all I need do during those times is allow God, as I understand Him, to release them for me, and then and there, I let go of the thoughts, memories and attitudes that are troubling me. When I receive help from God, as I understand Him, I can live my life one day at a time and handle whatever challenges that come my way. Only then can I live a life of victory over alcohol, in comfortable sobriety.

<b><u>Big Book Quote</u></b>

“My old manner of life was by no means a bad one, but I would not exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. I would not go back to it even if I could.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, More About Alcoholism, pg. 43~

<b><u>Keep It Simple</u></b>

Telling the truth is a pretty hard thing.   —ThomasWolfe.

Often, we get scared to tell the truth. We wonder, “What will happen? Will I get in trouble? Will someone be mad at me?’” These things could happen. But good things could happen too. Sometimes we want to lie.

We don’t want anyone mad at us or unhappy with us. We want people off our back. So we lie. And it comes back to haunt us. We must believe that the best will happen in the long run if we tell the truth. Our program tells us that we can stay sober if we’re honest. Telling the truth takes faith. We must have faint in the program. We must be honest. Our sobriety and our life depend on it.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me remember that I’m doing things Your way when I tell the truth.

Action for the Day:
I will think about what I say today. I will be as honest as I can be.

<b><u>Each Day A New Beginning</u></b>

“. . . we will be victorious if we have not forgotten how to learn.”   –Rosa Luxemburg

For most of us the struggle was long, painful and lonely to the place where we are now. But survive we have, and survive we will. The times we thought we could go no further are only dimly recalled. The experiences we were certain would destroy us fit ever so neatly into our book of memories.

We have survived, and the program is offering us the means for continued survival. Step by Step we are learning to handle our problems, build relationships based on honesty, and choose responsible behavior. We are promised serenity if we follow the Steps.

Gratitude for our survival is best expressed by working the program, setting an example for others, helping those women who haven’t yet attained victory. We must give away what we have learned to make way for our own new growth. There are many victories in our future if we keep pressing forward, opening new doors, and trusting in the process of the program and its promises.

I am still willing to learn or I wouldn’t be here, now. There are victories in my future. I will look for a victory today. It’s certain to accompany responsible action on my part.

<b><u>Today’s Gift – Hazelden</u></b>

Where is God?

AA members have always had a difficult time explaining the “God business.” We didn’t want to be considered religious, but at the same time we’ve always believed some contact with a Higher Power is necessary for real personal growth.

There’s nothing wrong – for our purposes – in simply visualizing God as a Higher Power that has always been within us and around us. “Before they call, I will answer,” goes an old saying, and that was true even in our darkest days. Many of us can look back to realize that a certain force was moving us toward recovery long before we knew we needed any recovery. Many of us also believe that a Higher Power helped bring AA into being and move it along to become a worldwide force for good.

But God works in ways that can seem to come from chance or coincidence. Quite often, we’ll find that little events had far-reaching results in our lives. When we review how such things happened, we should not conclude that this happens only to certain “special” people. All human beings are part of God’s creation and can avail themselves of guidance and direction. The more serious problem is that guidance and direction are sometimes ignored or rejected.

I’ll go about my affairs today with the knowledge that my Higher Power is making the important decisions in my life. I’ll come out about where God wants me to be.

<b><u>Elder’s Meditation</u></b>

“Abuse and repression have no place in a traditional family.”
— Haida Gwaii, Traditional Circle of Elders

Traditional families guided by their culture were taught how to live. The were taught about relationships, respect, and spirituality. Only since alcohol was
introduced to Indians have we seen physical abuse, sexual abuse and verbal abuse. These behaviors have no room in traditional families. The cycle of abuse must be broken during this generation. We do this by asking for help to quit drinking and abusing and return to our traditional culture and spirituality.

Creator, plant inside of me the knowledge of the traditional family.

<b><u>Daily Horoscope – Cancer</u></b>

You may experience a life-altering epiphany regarding your relationship to fun and pleasure. The Scorpio New Moon’s dive into your 5th House of Fun and Games plunges you into invigorating waters. You’re likely to reconnect to a long-lost activity or object that once gave you plenty of joy. Don’t fret too much about how long this feeling will last or how to make more of it. Instead, fully appreciate the connection as it is now. Embrace your newfound bliss as a cue to enjoy yourself more in the present moment.

Struggling

On By mikeykjrIn Personal, Work Rant4 Comments

I have vowed not to include work on this blog for various reasons. However, when my professional life (work) impacts my recovery, there is an opportunity for others to learn how We, the recovering addict, deal with our addictions on a daily basis.  This is one such time.

I am now a Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) with only five months of experience.  The facility that I work at is currently understaffed, badly.  Everyone is miserable.  I vowed not to get involved, do what is required of me and leave on a daily basis without a further thought of what went on.  While that worked for a while, I have found that in recent weeks, I too became miserable.  Right now, I’m not in a good place.

I never boast about how many years of sobriety I have because it doesn’t matter.  Each of us just have today.  After nine years of sobriety, the last couple of days, I am struggling with keeping my sobriety.  Last night, it peaked; I thought about drinking.  Did I relapse?

Keep reading . . .

I knew that my job was going to be challenging.  A CNA is not an easy job.  The job is disgusting at times (literally); I take care of the elderly who can’t take care of themselves in all aspects of their lives, including toileting themselves. You just get use to it.  Residents can be quite the handful at times; each one has a range of medical problems and mental health issues.  As a CNA, you are required by state law to respect their rights.  You have to be a CNA because you enjoy those that you help no matter what is presented in front of  you.  Don’t get me wrong, I love working with these people no matter what they do or say to me.  I know that they are struggling inside to keep the last sanity they have, in the only way they know how.

On a daily basis, I am treated like shit by residents and even my own co-workers.  I am the low one on the totem pole, thus people take advantage of it (many times to the extreme).  In addition, there are not many male CNA’s.  Nursing is typically a women’s field.  I’ve been told “. . . you just have to deal with it”.

Right now, I feel like I’m fighting for my job.  I feel like my co-workers are all against me including management.  The don’t listen to what I have to say, as if I’m speaking a foreign language.  They don’t help asking me to do things that I’m not suppose to do.  Then when I complain of the illegal activity, they turn my words or events around as if I’m the problem.  They don’t help me when I ask for help, instead think I’m just an incompetent person.  There are dead wrong – I take the necessary time to ensure that my residents are cared for in the proper fashion and with the dignity and respect that any human being deserves!

Sorry I’m getting on tangents, but bare with me . . .now how sobriety plays a part.

Before I go into work, I say the Serenity Prayer.  During the day, I must say it over 1,000 times.  I’m not a person that prays.  Recently, I have really asked for guidance and help, yet I get no relief. Is there a lesson here that I should be learning besides patience and tolerance because if there is, I just don’t seem to get it.

Psychologically, its torture.  I don’t want to be there, nor do I want to work with my co-workers.  But the other side of me doesn’t want to abandon my residents.  They are human beings and should not be treated in the manner that I have witnessed.

My Sponsor and I have constant communication.  He doesn’t understand why I still work there.  He believes I should just look for another job and leave. With only five months of experience, it’s hard to get another job somewhere else; it’s just not that easy to pick up, leave and get another job.  He doesn’t understand because he hasn’t been in my shoes.  However, he has given me suggestions.

Last night, I called him on the verge of tears.  I was going to just walk off the job and I didn’t care about my license as a CNA.  I had a fear that I was going to drink; I didn’t trust myself.  I have so much anger, resentment, fear, etc. built up, I just didn’t know what to do.  We talked on my break but I have to cut him off because Gods forbid I was late coming back in.  The point is, he was there for me.  That got my through the last hour of work, home and I DID NOT DRINK.

This morning we went out for breakfast (I had to pay – another issue, later).  As always, he made suggestions.  Some I can do, others are difficult to implement.  But I still listened.

One suggestion was attending meetings.  I don’t go to enough because of my scattered schedule, complacency and timing.  All excuses.  I don’t MAKE THE TIME to get to meetings.  Yes, it would mean less sleep (I drive three hours a day to work, plus an eight hour day, so do the math).  But there are plenty of meetings right before work, that I can just attend a meeting, then drive to work.  There is even a meeting in a town that I drive through every day.  I just haven’t ever been to a meeting there.  So I’m going to take his suggestion because that is what Sponsee’s should do – ACT on SUGGESTIONS given by our Sponsors.

I have now lost my train of thought, if I really had one.  Recent events have put my mental capabilities to shambles; I can’t think straight, I can’t concentrate, I can’t remember even the littlest things.  It’s rough.  I know it and I need to DO something about it.

This is where I feel that I’m a hypocrite.  I tell people going through something like this to think of a river, you’re standing on a stone in the middle of a river.  No matter what you do (build a dam to block it or control it), build a bridge or try to avoid it, etc., the river is going to keep flowing around you.  You need to DO something, like step off the stone, before the river just pulls you downstream and drowns you.  But do I take my own advice?

Perhaps this time I should!