A Short Fuse

I have short fuse: annoyance, frustration, then anger just keeps building up until I blow like Mount St. Helen’s. It’s those many defects of character I work on a daily basis I can’t seem get under control. In the past, I reached for the bottle because I kept those feelings tucked deep inside. Since then I learned tools to deal with them in an appropriate manner but many times I react before I think. The end result is disastrous – always.

For instance, here is a situation I am currently struggling with. I tend to make promises I can’t keep. It’s not intentional. People don’t seem to understand my schedule as a CNA change change on a whim.

Monday I had to work a double (3 p.m. to 7 a.m.) because I was mandated. My employer required me to work at risk of being fired if I did not. This is not something I choose to do nor I agree with nor something I can control. This is common in the nursing field; we can’t just leave our jobs until we are relieved by another person.

I had made plans with this person before I went to work on Tuesday but had to cancel. Tuesday morning I receive a text with a smart ass remark, “I figured that. You have to get your 10 hours of sleep. Tomorrow will be another excuse.” I was flabbergasted.

What I wanted to do, right then and there, was rip off his head and shit down his throat. Seriously. After working a 12 hour shift, after a three day weekend, after the previous weeks fiasco with Storm Stella? I thought it was unnecessary, uncompassionate and not understanding of my situation at all.
I didn’t respond nor have I responded to additional texts, as if nothing happened at all.

Part of me just wants to end the relationship or at a minimum take a break. The other part of me wants to attempt to talk to him. Problem: He is my Sponsor. I know him well enough, he’ll just turn this around on me, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

I vowed to NOT write about him in this journal, yet over the last couple of weeks, he keeps popping up.  Every now and then, we get to this stage in the relationship, we take a break for a couple of months, then repeat the cycle.  I don’t know if I should get off the merry-go-round or just grim my teeth and bare it.

Part of me feels a life long debt to him.  The other part of him wants to throw his hypocritical, selfish, self serving, insincere, sorry ass to the curb. **SELF:  Temper, Michael. Temper.** On the other hand, perhaps it is time we just part of seperate ways.

Any comments, questions or concerns would be appreciated.

What happens when your relationship with your Sponsor is no longer healthy for either of you?

Family Worries

Typically I wouldn’t talk about my Sponsor in a public post by I need to get this off my chest.  He’s so annoying! This isn’t the first time, nor the last.  We go through periods where we just have to spend time apart.  It appears this time is coming again but there are other concerns to take into consideration.

I met this gentleman at the beginning of my sobriety, more than nine years ago.  He was an unlikely match but became a big influence in my life.  He and I have been there through the good and bad times.  I am more than grateful for his continued presence in my life.

Lately, I have noticed the affects of old age.  He’s lonely, needy, forgetful and, at times, just an unbreakable stubborn man.  He knows everything; he’s been everywhere, he’s done everything; he’s got all the answers, yet asks for my suggestions but doesn’t take them.

He’s suddenly in a mood to “downsize” since his move to a new apartment.  I mean literally getting rid of everything in his life.  At one point, he wanted to live in his car (during the Winter in NY) to save money for an apartment.  Finally, many of us convinced him to get an apartment, so he’s living in a studio apartment from a two-bedroom apartment.  Every time that I see him, he’s accumulated more and tries to pawn it off on me.  He just can’t understand the work, “No.”

In the last couple of months, his forgetfulness is increasing.  Sometimes I feel like I’m at work talking to own of my residents who has dementia.  So I practice patience to a point.  But many times I just clamp down my mouth because he wants to argue I’m wrong and he’s right.  For instance, he asked I take off the 25th and 26th to drive him down to his brothers.  I agree putting the request in work.  Yesterday, he wanted to know what time I would be over to take him to his brothers.  I reminded him he circled the dates in two weeks.  He apparently changed his mind, didn’t tell me, so now he’s arguing with me.  UGH.

Heart and Sassy, his cats, are also quite old (19 years – he says).  Sassy is not in good health.  Again, he’s been asking for me to take care of them. At first he didn’t want to take his cats with him to his new apartment.  He wanted me to take them.  Ummm….NO.  I’m just not ready for pets right now even though I love them both as my own.  According to him, “I can’t take care of them anymore.”  But they are in his new place doing fine, yet I don’t know how long Sassy will last.  As I look at the situation, I think he’s trying to avoid the inevitable, the cat’s  passing away.

The other day when I visited, I almost blew my top.  He asked for a suggestion but wouldn’t let me get a work in edgewise.  Instead, he talked over me about something else.  At one point, he got on his phone, put his headphones around my head and asked me to listen to the Abbot & Costello’s “Who is on first…” skit when I was trying to tell him something.  We also got into a small argument of I’m right and you’re wrong, which I simply conceded.  Apparently he’s been a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) but can’t tell me what CNA stands for? UGH.

Honestly, I see the decline in health and mental status.  It scares me.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be there for him but I’m also afraid for his future.  We’ve agreed to his future wishes (end of life) and I’ll respect it.  I just don’t know if I’m prepared for it, right now.

Oh Gods, now I have to cry . . .