Tag: Codependency

Making Hard Decisions

On By mikeykjrIn Codependency, PersonalLeave a comment

Three weeks ago, a gentleman asked me to be his Sponsor. Three weeks, two weeks, I honestly don’t remember. It’s been a while but the point is I have to make a hard decision to let him go.

When I sponsor people in AA, I did as I was taught. First, like my old Sponsor, Joe, asked me, “If there is anything I ask you of this program right now are: honesty – with yourself, me and your Higher Power, when you come to believe in one; open-minded – take suggestions I and others offer you; and willing – trying new things in your life because you’re here because the old way didn’t work” From my own experience it is only with those three principles do I first tackle any problems or even just the days activities.

Second, as most people do in the AA program, try to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. From my experience, I didn’t know anything about how the AA program really worked. Listening to others, their stories and how they “practice these principles” in their lives even today as saved my life on many occasions. Meetings for me are an important part of my program because without them, I will drink.

Third, making and sticking to commitments. In my past, I would agree to do something but not do it. Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me to be responsible and accountable for myself. First, I made the commitment – not to drink “One Day at a Time”. Second, I went to meetings as suggested. Third, I make a coffee commitment so I learned to get to know others in the program so I had someone to help me and perhaps, I ended up helping someone else.

These three things, for me, are the cornerstone of my recovery. They, in addition to working with my Sponsor through the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, have kept me sober. Therefore, this is what I pass down to those people I sponsor in AA.

Unfortunately, a person I sponsor is not following through with any of these suggestions. While I attempt not to take someone’s inventory, I don’t believe he is being honest – I can see it in his actions. Two, he’s not going to meetings. Three, he agreed to make coffee one night a week (Friday) and hasn’t done it in two weeks. I have to question his desire to stay sober.

What he has done is come over to chat when he is going through difficult times. Again, I’ve been honest, open-minded and willing to help him. On the other hand, I have a feeling of being a door mat. I was there in my early sobriety when my Sponsor finally said, “Mike, you have to work the program. I can’t help you get sober unless you help yourself.” I feel it is time for both him and I to part ways.

This is part of the program which is hard for me because of my codependency. I want to help him but I just don’t see that “desire”. I recognize I can’t get another person sober unless they have this “desire” and for now, it’s just not there. Thus, I have to do what I believe is best for both of us.

Minor Milestone – 8 Months Sober

On By mikeykjrIn Alcoholics Anonymous, Daily Recovery Readings, Memories, Personal1 Comment

Eight months ago, I woke up in a daze. “My Gods, I’m really getting a chance to do this again?” Deep down, I was scared like a child lost in the dark. I took a deep breath. My fear was slowly washed away as I practiced gratitude for waking up alive and sober. A new journey began.

Every day since I do the same thing – practice gratitude when I wake up. There are so many alcoholics and addicts who don’t get a chance to live the next day succumbing to their addiction in the night. I believe we are all on this Earth for a purpose. Therefore, I take every opportunity to appreciate those things around me because where I was headed was my own grave.

Things had to change since my last sobriety of ten years. In the last eight months I have learned so much about myself. It was only through my experiences with Alcoholics Anonymous I was able to stay sober.

After my short stay in an impatient treatment center, I immediately got involved in my local recovery community, specifically Alcoholics Anonymous, to begin working on myself. Instead of waiting seven months, I immediately got a Sponsor who took me through the Twelve Steps. Every day, I attend at least one meeting, if not two. I’m also involved in CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) because it was in part due to those behaviors which got me to where I am today. I immerse myself in several commitments (coffee, chairman of meetings, District meetings, etc.).

Early recovery can be rough at times. Adopting the principles of AA helped me live “One Day At A Time” and “Living Life on Life’s Terms”. We all have “good days” and “bad days”. Today, first and foremost, I 100% don’t drink. Secondly, if I’m having a bad day – I get out of myself. SELF has always been the problem. I have been “given spiritual tools laid at my feet”, so I need to use them: going to a meeting, trusting in my Higher Power, speaking to my Sponsor, helping another alcoholic / addict or sometimes just being kind to a random stranger – try it sometime!

The work continues no matter what life throws in front of me. As long as I stay connected in Alcoholics Anonymous “practicing these principles in all our affairs” one day of sobriety suddenly becomes eight months. It’s an amazing journey with much more to come I’m sure.

As my Sponsor says at meetings:

Sobriety is to be enjoyed, not endured.

I’m grateful to be alive,

I’m grateful to be sober,

and I’m grateful to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Thanks for letting me share.

Thoughts on My Mind

On By mikeykjrIn Discussion, Personal1 Comment

After writing here yesterday, a few things happened which are on my mind and even more things are stuck in my head. The purpose of this blog is two fold. First, this blog is for myself to write things down. In effect(?) putting them on paper so I can deal with them – using Step 4 or Step 10, if need be. Secondly, showing how my program of recovery works to others. It really falls back to the AA Preamble and Step 12.

Oh goodness where do I start . . .? First, if anyone has comments, suggestions, concerns or thoughts, I am always open to ANY. I don’t take things personally. I’m learning in my own sobriety through other people’s experience how things works, so “suggestions” are always welcome. With that, here we go.

WARNING – THIS IS A LONG POST

Now I think about it, perhaps I should put each of these as one post each instead of a GIANT POST. Thoughts?

Sponsorship

First, I will never disclose what I talk about with those I sponsor, as it should be. However, I don’t think I’m crossing a line when I write about what is going on with me. Here is such a case.

As mentioned, I have someone I sponsor. While I have experience in my past, I don’t want to repeat it. To make necessary changes so it does’t happen again, I apply the “honesty, open-mindedness and willingness” principles.

As I look at those past experiences today, I can say I was NOT a good sponsor. Not because they didn’t stay sober. Instead, I really didn’t do what a good sponsor is suppose to do when you take on this responsibility. Instead of thinking, “I got this . . .” This time I’m going to be working closely with my Sponsor taking his suggestions. Lastly, I’m willing to listen to those suggestions and try new things. Only through this process, in my own experience does this process work.

Typically a new sponsor guides this new “protege” as he/she was taught by their sponsor. I am willing to do the same. When I met with my sponsor, I shared where I have been, then he did the same. It was only after that, when we have a common connection, did we move forward with reading the Big Book line by line starting with the Preface.

In the meantime, the person I sponsor has been speaking to me daily. We all have issues at the beginning. I didn’t know how to live a sober life. That is what a sponsor is for – to help another alcoholic guide you and point you in the right direction.

Codependency

As this process continues, I noticed some codependency issues starting to emerge. Codependency to me is like the role of a care-taker. Instead of focusing on myself, in my past I went to any length to ensure those I sponsored had a needed everything no matter what the cost to me. It was a relapse just waiting to happen, which it did in the end. But I had to go through that experience. I’m grateful I did because today I’m more aware of those destructive codependency behaviors.

I’m involved with a local Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) which meets weekly. Again, I was grateful for the meeting later in the evening. Another point to be made – if I’m willing to receive messages from my Higher Power, I just have to listen. In the meeting, I discussed my concerns, we did the readings and BAM – there is was in print, yet again. My solution – let go of my past! When necessary talk to other codependents about your past and ask your Higher Power to relieve you of your past mistakes. Simply, let it go!

Al-Anon

Right after my CoDA meeting is another AA Big Book Study meeting. Last night we read “To The Wives” from the Big Book. I didn’t plan on speaking because I don’t have an experience. But someone brought up how this chapter was the starting point for Al-Anon. Oh – I have experience with them!

When I had four to five years of sobriety in my past I was enrolled in a chemical dependency degree program at a local community college. The chairperson and professor of the core class – Chemical Dependency I (first year) we were required to attend various “fellowship” meetings. One term paper at the end of the semester was all about what we learned.

The professor is a member of AA, I knew well. She knew me and my experience in AA. She brought me aside after class one day saying:

“Michael, for the final project paper, I want you to do something different. I know you have knowledge of AA and NA. I don’t want that because you won’t learn anything. I would like you to seek other fellowships, whether its Al-Anon, Codependents Anonymous, Over-eaters Anonymous, SMART recovery meetings, etc.”

I told her I would seek Al-Anon, Codependents Anonymous and SMART Recovery. She warned me certain groups and/or members of Al-Anon are NOT receptive to recovering alcoholics in their meetings. Learning from my sponsor, I didn’t set expectations.

I went to a local Al-Anon meeting which was in an office next to an the auditorium which we held our local AA meetings. Struggling with myself – do I want to really do this, should I do this, I have other options – I reluctantly sat down and introduced myself. But I lied.

The first thing out of the chairperson’s mouth to start the meeting was, “We are family members who either had or live with an active addict in our homes. Therefore, if you are in recovery yourself, we ask that you leave as this meeting is not meant for you.” I was shocked – what discrimination, right? Do not judge, I thought. So I kept my mouth shut and listened.

Halfway through the meeting I started to cry. I cry openly these days. When there was a pause between people sharing, the chairperson asked, “Are you okay?” I said, “Yes. But I lied to everyone here. I’m a recovering alcoholic.” There weren’t moans or groans, no eyes rolled, no huffs and puffs. I was asked to continue sharing, thus I did.

My experience at that meeting was one of the most humbling experiences in my sobriety. I know what I did to those around me (or as I know refer to it as ‘what I thought I did’). In all honesty, I didn’t realize the magnitude of destruction I may have caused to others in my own active addiction. This experience brought me a better understanding of the pain and suffering those around me went through when dealing with me in my active addiction.

Crossing a Line

I’ve brought up before I’m really working on my codependent issues. In my past, I watched people fall and I was there with a shovel to scoop them off their ass back on their feet. Not today. I can’t force sobriety on someone else. At the same time, if I know someone is struggling, I have to let them live their life, yet be supportive when and where I can. I can’t save them.

I live with two other guys who have problems of their own. I have been there to support them but I have not gotten involved – period. Right now, the roommate who wants to move in with me after our completion of this residential program ( now at the first of next year) is in a really bad place. Not only myself see it, our other roomate is concerned (who is very codependent himself – again, I stay completely out of it) and many of our friends in recovery ask about his welfare, “Where is X? I haven’t seen him in meetings? Is X okay?” I can only say, “I saw him walk to the bathroom today, so I now he is alive and breathing. That is all I can say.” I leave it there.

But it’s been three days. He has not gone to a meeting. All of his time has was spent in his room with his door closed. He usually cooks at night which he didn’t do either. His anger is increasing as things crash here and there with “F******K”. The very few times we have spoken, we speak very little if anything at all. Everyone knows the issue he is going through – a failed relationship.

Update quickly 10:30 am:
Actually there is a bit of a change because he’s sitting right next fixing his bike. He went somewhere (an appointment) came back, started to joke with me about where I’m going this afternoon (another post for sure). But when we ask, “Are you okay?” Grunt – complete shutdown. UGH!

He and I share the same sponsor. I’m been asked by others in the community to speak to our sponsor because they are concerned. But I’m conflicted as to where or not I should. Part of me feels like a scapegoat for the others who don’t have the balls to talk to our sponsor themselves. Even though I can tell them, “Tell him yourself.” I doubt anyone has done it. Yet, part of me feels an obligation because my roommate at this point has completely shut down. My sponsor may already know this. The question is, do I even cross the line? Really I don’t have an answer, so I’m going to ask my Sponsor anyway.

Update 4:30 pm:
My roommate came out, made a smart remark to me, out of no where, which I ignored. My other roommate just came home is hungry so I asked this one, “Are you doing to make dinner or do you want X to make dinner?” Response, “I don’t care.” Another question from me, “Do you want to eat now or later?” Response, “I don’t care”. Now I’m disappointed because I thought he was better than this? **head to desk**

18 Years Sober Living in a Halfway House

Perhaps I shouldn’t write this but I’m making the choice to do so. No I’m not taking this guy’s inventory. What this gentleman is doing is not only harmful to himself but to others. Mr. XYZ recently arrived at the halfway house from rehab. Honestly, I don’t even think he’s been here a month or just over a month. He’s really testing my tolerance, pity and patience.

At our anniversary meeting, where medallions are handed out for milestones in recovery, he stands up to pick up his 18 year medallion. Usually there is clapping when someone picks up a medallion. Not for him. We were all shocked and many of us just shook our heads. That’s right “18 years alcohol free”, his words. He’s at the halfway house “because of drugs” which he categorizes as “x months free from [this drug] and I relapsed on pot that’s why I’m here.” He said that openly the other day at yet another meeting. I thought the chairperson of the meeting was going to lose it! When he’s at a meeting and the chair asks for “people willing to sponsor” he raises his hand. I just learned today that THREE people at the house, all brand new to recovery are under his wing. Seriously? Oh, I have major issues with his complete disrespect of how the program(s) should work. Again, practicing tolerance, pity and patience. Also, what do I do? I don’t know – I ask my Sponsor.

Two New People to Sponsor

So while writing this I went to a noon meeting. Two of the guys from the halfway house, both at the same time, asked if I would sponsor them. I said “Yes” because I believe my Higher Power would not have put these people in my life unless I was ready. However, in the future, I am going to have to decline because three on my plate is going to be enough to juggle.

Drug Court

Lastly, when I was sober before working in the chemical dependency field, I had heard so much about Adult Addiction Treatment Court (aka “Drug Court”). I found that these sessions where public so I ended up going to a few, out of curiosity, not to judge anyone. Another eye opener. How could I not judge when people were telling a judge one thing and I knew another. Wow, the balls these people have. Sad really. Ok, I am judging. Today I went to a local DC. Same experience. Despite what I think, they will get what they deserve in the end. It’s not my decision, it’s not the judge’s decision, they are only doing it to themselves. I pains me to see these people who are given a chance under the strict circumstances to change their lives, yet STILL they don’t take the opportunity they are given.

AA’s literature “How it Works” partially reads:

” . . .Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with
themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.

Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book, Chapter 5 – How it Works, pg. 58

Conclusion – I Swear!

As I look back at the above, perhaps there are things I need to work on just a little better, perhaps not. Yet, right now I feel all these things are happening for a reason. Perhaps I’m meant to go through this to learn “how to” or “how to not” handle these situations in the future. Obviously I failed in the past, otherwise I would be where I am today. I feel better writing them all down here. They are out. Now I have to take action whatever that action might be.

The Codependency Trap

On By mikeykjrIn Codependency2 Comments

For the most part, I had a relaxing day yesterday as my schedule has changed leaving me more time for myself. I still attended my three Fellowship meetings, one being CoDA (Codependent Anonymous). I’m glad there was one because yesterday afternoon I almost fell into a codependency trap.

Many of us as addicts like to focus on other issues instead of ourselves. For instance, I drank to escape the feelings of anger, frustration, fear, anxiety, guild, shame, etc. As I grew up as an adult, I began to focus on the well being of someone else, trying to fix them and their problems. In turn I felt it helped me fix my problems. In reality, I only destroyed many relationships with other people, as well as myself. I was just inviting more insanity into my life whether I was in active addiction or in recovery.

Here is a good example of a codependent based on what happened yesterday with me and one of my roommates. I knew the previous day my roommate wasn’t feeling well. I saw him briefly in the morning. However, throughout the day I began to worry. I wasn’t sure if he was busy with things he needed to do, therefore was out and about. Or was he was still laying in his bed all afternoon either sick or in a depressive state.

Late in the afternoon before my CoDA (Codependent Anonymous) meeting, which he usually attends, I sent him a text, “out and about or in your room?” No response. I asked around. No one had seem him all day. I knocked on his door – still no response. Fear crept in – was he in another depressive state, was he so sick he really should go to the doctor, is he possibly dead? I started to panic while attempting to tell myself, “It’s not my life. I have no control over other people (Step 1 of CoDA). I’m not getting involved.” So off to the CoDA meeting I went explaining my codependent issues were in full swing, thus grateful for the meeting.

But, I had to do one more thing before the meeting got started. It was an automatic response. I sent a text to my other roommate, “Can you knock on [roommate]’s door and peek in to make sure he’s okay?” Then I didn’t look at my phone until later in the meeting when I felt that buzz (a message). I never look at my phone during a meeting. The chairperson even looked at me sideways. But my other roommate responded, “I’m not going to knock on his door and just barge in . . . he say’s he’s okay, so I ran LOL”. Whew. Now I was complete.

These are behaviors I’m working on with both programs, Alcoholics Anonymous and Codependent Anonymous. One, I’m not going to pick up a drink and I can’t control other people. Instead I went to both a CoDA meeting and an AA meeting right after. Two, I made a mental note to write a journal entry of the experience. Now it’s in front of me, I won’t forget it and I can learn from the experience. Three, I need to identify those feelings I was going through, feel them but not act on them.

In other words, it’s okay to worry about another’s well being. However, if I believe in a Higher Power, knowing my Higher Power has a plan, I don’t need to get involved not matter what happens. Everything is going to be okay as it should be. That in itself, is the real message I need to hear and learn before falling into another codependent trap.

Balance in Recovery

On By mikeykjrIn Codependency, Discussion, Personal1 Comment

Based on my own experience in the past, I know immersing myself into recovery can be beneficial but it can also be dangerous. To much recovery one can become overwhelmed. So the point is to achieve a balance in recovery and our mundane lives. It’s called “me time”.

During my last recovery period, I dove into recovery with such a passion, I hardly made time for myself. Though the circumstances were different, as it was my first time in recovery, everything about my life became about recovery. In a sense, I lost a part of me.

As one comes back from a relapse one must ask themselves, “What is going to be different this time around?” With my codependent issues, I need to take time for self care. From time to time, we need to step back to ask ourselves, “Are we doing to much?” The real question is just how much is to much?

For instance, here is an example of a typical Monday:

  • 8:00 am – Wake up, get coffee, meditation music, pray, write in my journal
  • 9:00 am – Take care of myself (shower, shave, brush teeth, etc.)
  • 10:00 am – Meet with my case manager for a weekly one on one
  • 12:00 pm – Noon AA meeting
  • 3:00 pm – Outpatient treatment group
  • 8:00 pm – Evening AA meeting
  • 12:00 am – 2 am – Put the head to the pillow

In summary, five hours of my day is involved in recovery. But I’m also living in a supportive living program, so I’m always bumping to guys and talking recovery at other times, let’s say another two or three hours. In the end, my life in recovery is a full time job. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to concentrate on my sobriety in such a fashion.

But there are days, like yesterday, I have to step back and say, “Michael, enough is enough. Take a time out for yourself.” After treatment group, I walked with a guy from our program to the gym. The Dollar Store was next door, which is where I headed to pick up some things for my CoDA meeting tonight. It’s a little over a mile, approximately a 20-25 minute walk. I needed such a walk to decompress.

I didn’t go to a physical meeting at all. Unfortunately I missed the noon meeting because my case manager was on vacation, so another individual did my one on one but I had to wait for a bit (which I understand). In the evening after the long walk, I was simply done going anywhere. It’s rare I go to the Monday evening meeting if I’ve gone to the noon meeting. Last night, I put personalities before principles (my bad, I know).

Instead, I found a online CoDA meeting at 9pm. It was an interesting experience. The person who ran the group did a really good job of driving the meeting, keeping people on topic and avoiding cross talk. Since we only have one meeting a week here, I might put one or two in my schedule.

I had a few things to do such as getting paperwork ready for the CoDA meeting. I volunteered to print up the “readings” since we don’t have formal ones and we’re still reading out from a brochure. I also bought sheet protectors and a binder. All courtesy of the Dollar Tree, something I can work with on my budget. I also pumped out two short letters to previous employers about my address change for my W-2’s.

A friend of mine, I’m sure I’ve spoken about him here, who I have codependent issues in the past, is at the tail end of a prison sentence. He is scheduled to be release in March 2019. Throughout the years, he’s been to quite a few facilities. I double checked to find where he was only to see he was at a prison that is 30 minutes from me. Honestly, I got excited. But, recognizing my feelings, I had to step back and ask, “Mike, do you really want to open this door?” It’s been suggested by many I shouldn’t. But I wrote a letter anyway. It was just a short note of what happened, where I am and to see where he’s at. I will only write to him depending on how he responds, if he responds.

Lastly, I’ve gotten back involved in a game called Achaea . It’s a role playing, text-character based MUD (Multi-player User Dungeon). Here’s a screen shot:

I’ve been playing a variety of characters since late 1997 when it was new to the then “gaming industry”. The company, Iron Realm Entertainment, has done a good job of keeping the material fresh. Over the years, there have been a lot of changes. Some good, some bad. The producers (as they like to call themselves), do listen to their players. We, the players, have some input on how the game is run! This is my life away from the mundane world and at times it can be stressful, so all in moderation too!

Oh goodie (squeal)! A friend just let me know she won’t need my help for something today. This means, besides two AA meetings, I have a completely open day all to myself. But I have a few must-do’s, so I’m going to take care of them right now. I’ve been up since 6:30 am too, so a nice nap after the noon meeting may be in order too! ** rubs hands greedily**

Let’s get this day rolling . . .


An Uncomfortable Feeling

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings, Personal4 Comments

Something is going on with me, whether it is physically, mentally or spiritually. It started yesterday. I had a nice lunch with another sober friend and when I got home – something just changed. Suddenly I’m feeling restless, irritable and discontent.

WARNING:
This is a mental dump of what is going on in my brain, so it’s long. I’m just having a bad day

Yesterday when I woke up, I felt tired as I do most mornings now. There is a problem with my room getting enough, if any, amount of heat during the night. The landlord came over who I had never met before but was warned about his attitude After this experience I hope I don’t have to see again. He reminded me of a typical slum landlord – one who just wants the money and scoffs are the idea when you bring up a problem. So I deal with the circumstances – wearing two shirts to bed with a sweatshirt, sweatpants, sock and a heavy blanket. This arrangement will only be for a couple of months but I do need to start planning naps during the day to compensate for the lack of sleep at night.

Everything is starting to annoy me. I try to not let things get under my skin, no matter how small. Stupid little things are going to happen throughout the day. Yet more often than not I find myself saying, “WTF?” Afterwards I’m irritable because I can’t get things done the way I want them done (selfishness, I know).

For instance, yesterday as I’m attempting to post my readings on this blog, I noticed the editor changed to this “block style”. Okay, WordPress warned us, let me give it a try. I spent two hours formatting the damn thing. Fine. I’ll just change to HTML and make the corrections. Unfortunately, just like Microsoft, WordPress has put there own crap in the coding. UGH. Grudgingly, I admit defeat. So be it.

Lately I’m getting tired of treatment groups. Since I started I have made all appointments and groups. I intentionally missed a treatment group yesterday and even right now.

The whole process with this facility has been laughable. It took me a month to get in there right out of rehab. My counselor is always forgetting our individual appointments by not telling me he changed the appointment and forgetting to tell me or double books me with someone else. He doesn’t take me out of groups as we discussed and agreed upon. Meanwhile, I get weird looks or questions from staff, “Mike is everything okay? Oh, you missed group(s), so you have to wait to talk to Mr. X. Mike, this isn’t like you, you usually call us if you missed group. It happens at least once a week and its frustrating.

Luckily I have an individual appointment with my counselor on Friday. I would like to discuss dropping me down to two groups per week. Honestly, group therapy is not working because I’ve been through it. Hell, I use to teach it at an old job. Even a group facilitator jokes, “I know Mike has the answer . . .”

One group I would like dismissed is Men’s group. Either the facilitator talks most of the group or one particular person runs his mouth off about something we hear week after week after week. Sadly, the facilitator happens to be my counselor too. Besides, I have no interest in talking about women (Hello – gay and obviously my counselor knows this) nor do I want to talk about football, construction or cars.

The other group is Stress Group. Every group we “check in” with our stress level from one to ten. My response every week, “Zero”. I’m grateful to have certain things taken care of for me. However, I do respect the frustration of the rest of the group who doesn’t have this opportunity. I’ve been in their shoes. So I offer my experience. But again, its hearing the same thing over and over week after week from the same person. Most of them aren’t in a 12 Step program either. Hey, it’s there lives. So be it. But its stressful for me just being in a Stress Group where no one wants to listen!

Lastly, I’m really trying hard to work on codependency issues. In the last couple of weeks, a few of the guys in the residential program relapsed. For me, it was something I knew it was coming. All I can do is wish them the best and if approached offer my experience, strength and hope. However, most don’t believe in 12 Step programs anyway. The problem is other sober people are not handling it well and I can see it on their faces, as well as in their own behaviors. Perhaps even my own. I want to jump right in and “fix” it. I can’t, I won’t. I have my own issues right now.

My roommate and a friend of ours in the rooms had a troubled past with each other. They thought it was a good idea to get involved with each other. My roommate learned his lesson after weeks of turmoil. Our friend, on the other hand, has a host of issues of her own to deal with. I’m trying to keep an arms distance with her because I don’t want to be sucked into her own drama and shit. But I still want to be a friend and a listening ear. She was the one I had lunch with yesterday. All we spoke about was either my roommate or her issues (which she claims are mental health issues). It’s draining to listen to it all. I offer suggestions yet get a response, “Oh, that’s not going to work…” I end the lunch with, “What happened to honesty, open-mindedness and willingness?” Then I was honest saying I was tired, it was time to take a nap when in reality I just wanted to run away.

I’m uncomfortable. I don’t like it. This dump has helped some. But I really need to take an honest look at what is really going on (selfishness, self-pity, etc.). I’m DEFINITELY going to a meeting to bring up this topic than quietly listen! Hopefully, I can change this mood around.

Codependency – A New Focus

On By mikeykjrIn CodependencyLeave a comment
Definition:
co·de·pend·en·cy
noun

“excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.”

I would have been eleven years sober today if it wasn’t for my relapse in April 2018.  Could of, would of, should of . . . I don’t beat myself up about it.  It happened. I can’t change the past.  I need to concentrate on moving forward.  However, what I learned in the last ten years of my sobriety is for me to stay sober I must develop codependency  skills.

In 2008, when I was in treatment for the first time for my alcoholism, a counselor pointed out a huge part of my life revolved around others, therefore causing more harm than good in my own life.  I had never heard of the term codependency. She asked me to read, “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself” by Melody Beattie.  Just after two pages of opening her book I thought, “Oh my God, this book is all about me!”

During all those years of sobriety I didn’t take action on my part when my codependency problems cropped up.  It was the same cycle for my alcoholism. I knew I had a problem but I didn’t do anything about it.  This time around, I am because codependency is part of the reason I’m starting over in my sobriety.

I am reading “Codependent No More” and working through the exercises.  I also had the companion workbook on hold at my local library.  Lastly, there is a CoDA meeting which just started up in the area I’m attending on Wednesday nights.  Therefore, like sobriety, I’m immersing myself in reading and learning all about codependency.

If you have any experience in the matter, I look forward to any comments, suggestions, or thoughts you have.