ethics – The Wandering Enigma

WARNING: This is a long rant to read since it’s my first in forever

Another point of this blog is to allow others to have an inside look into the life of an addict. What a recovering or active addict thinks, feels and goes through in the daily life. Ideally for me a reflection of my day and how I dealt with any issues that came up (and I have plenty). So there is never a better place to start then today.

First, I am currently not sober again. I returned to sobriety at the beginning of the year. I held my sobriety for two months on my own (problem 1). Then life threw screwballs at me and I said “screw it”. The point is, I didn’t have the support I needed to continue my sobriety. So here we are.

As you know from the previous post, I fell into a depressive state lately. Work, home, no social life, financials issues, my drinking. It just all got to me. I was literally in daze for four days. I ended up going to work on Wednesday but then calling in sick on Thursday.

My daily routine is to wake up at 830pm, feed my cats, get dressed for work, make sure the daily reading(s) are scheduled to post at the appropriate time. Wait outside for my ride to work. What is really sad is I texted my fellow co-worker/neighbor to pick me up to drive me to work on his day off! I thought is was still Thursday, not Friday???

Background work: Walmart

In 2018, I moved to where I currently live after going to rehab for the second time and living in a supportive living program here in town. I finally got a job at Wal-mart as a stocker. I ended up working for two and a half years before I took a leave of absence (I quit withdrew my 401K and stocks) for three months but couldn’t find another job. I reapplied and it took a month for them to ask me back for an interview. HR hired me on the spot and I have thus continued my employment.

Work has a HUGE STRESS impact on me. I wish I could find another job but I don’t drive and there is nothing comparable to the wages that I currently earn there. So, I just deal with it or try to or don’t. It’s a shite show every single day I go into work.

Coaches (managers) don’t communicate to themselves (personal issues) nor to team leads (supervisors) comminate with themselves. You can all six the same question and you get six different answers. Then there are the associates. OMfG, Walmart hires anyone who can breathe (which I understand since we are always short on Associates on the overnight/graveyard, night shift.) I stop there before I get into deep things. Since this is a public post I don’t want get in trouble. However, I will give you an example of what I went through tonight.

For many months now I have been working strictly in the dairy department. That would be the yogurt wall, cheese wall, butter wall and meat wall (bacon, sausages, lunch meats, etc. <- which we call 97 [a department code].) Typically 2nd shift breaks down our pallets and we run the charts. One would usually run creamers and drinks, while the other(s) would run the other charts. On average we have about four to six pallets of freight down stacked (broken down) to 8 carts on average. Typically I have two or three people depending on the load and how many associates we have on shift.

Tonight we had six pallets. Basically a pallet and a half of creamers/drinks and the other were all dairy/97. So my associate decides to do drinks. I’m fine with that, as I am nursing a bad leg at present (more on that later). I assumed he would help me break down the rest of the pallets to carts….nope. The selfish ahole took four plus hours for drinks (which is average) while I broke down the rest of the pallets leaving one at half since it looked like all 97 – meat wall stuff.

So breaking down a palette includes….

1 or more charts for the yogurt wall (three today)
1 or more charts for the cheese wall (four today)
1 or more charts for the butter wall (one and a half)
1 or more for 97 [the meat wall] two today)
1 or more carts for Deli and another 1 or two for Deli meats
Summary: 10 charts for my department and another two for Deli all down stacked by myself???

At the end of the day, we got it done. But still there were even more issues I had to deal with.

Walmart LIngo: Facings are how many stacks of product side by side. Cap count is the maximum number of product on the shelf. Corporate sets these, however we may change them (which we souldn’t but do) because we’re an older store and don’t have the right shelves, etc. We are actually getting remodeled next year to hopefully correct that problem.

After down stacking one pallet I decided to run freight because I don’t have carts to put another pallet on. Why? Because jackasses leave random shit on carts all through the building because they are lazy and don’t clean up from themselves. Then other people just leave ’em because “I didn’t do it”. Yet, management expects the carts we use at the end of the night to be clean so when first shift comes in they have available carts. Wait…what? You don’t hold the other shifts to the same standards at third shift? I call bullshite when I see it!! But nothing is done.

Cheese wall first. My pet peeve is then people stock shreded cheese in the finely shreded cheese and vice versa. I happens all the time. Or the make a new facing when I product should only be two, but they make there becase the box the opened has more then appriate for the shelf cap. No one gives a shit, but it’s expected someone takes the time to fix it and it’s always me. Why? Because other product won’t fit and management throughs a fit because it shows up on their reports that something wasn’t stocked that should be.

This is with all other sections too! Who to they blame? I’m the one who hears it because now our technology allows Coaches to assign tasks to Associates and we are responsible for signing off on them when they are done. Then when they do a ‘walk’ (1st shift walks with 3rd shift to learn what happened through the night) someone comments on how such and such wasn’t done. Who gets the finger pointed? Me. Honestly, it’s not as bad as it sounds. The point is there is not accountability for ANY of the Associates. Out teamleads usually come around 15 minutes before breaks and lunch (1145pm, 0145am and 0545am). Sometimes they ask, “How you are doing?”. Lately, they don’t even ask.

Tonight, help would have been appreciated by my fellow Associate and perhaps another Assocaite to help with any other freight not run. Nope. No one cares because we always getting it done regardless of the number of associates. However, those of us who take pride in our jobs get angry because we have to pull the weight and get things done. On the other hand, the other Associates are not “coached” (warned, written up, etc.) about their productivity. It’s just so exhausting. People can handle it, “Yeah whatever, I don’t care, nor do they.” Versus, me, “Damn wrong. I have a work ethic. If something is asked of me I do it. I don’t need the compliments that it’s done. However, if I have other Associates working with me, don’t blame me. I’m not a Teamlead (nor ever will be or higher). That is your job and you guys/gals fail at it on a daily basis.

Summary:

Work is a HUGE stress factor in my life. Many of you are thinking, “Why not change jobs.” I simply can’t. First, I don’t drive. Second, there is only one company who pays similar or more then I get paid now. That’s running a mechanical line of metal objects all night long. First, not for me. Second, I don’t have transportation to get there if I could. All the other jobs in the area pay much less than I make now.

What can I do? I TELL myself something a team lead (supervisor) told me years go, “You’re here to earn a paycheck. Just come in, do you job and come home!” Ummm…no. I’m not that type of person. There are reasons certainly policies are put in place, yet everyone just ignores ’em. Then they blame the more experienced Associate for THEIR failures. It’s so frustrating. I try my best to do what I need to do with no complaints and go home, but there is always something I find that isn’t right screwing us up. We get so much unnecessary freight each night because no one gives a shite. For example, ten pieces of product are on the shelf, yet I just received twelve more. The reason being is because people put more product on the shelf then required and our keeps reordering more product since it was sold. It’s just madness. People just don’t comprehend the process and thus ‘cus the various problems.

Alright, I’m done. Whether you understood what I went through or not. I need to prepare myself for bed to get up and go back to the circus.

Thank you for listening!

I have vowed not to include work on this blog for various reasons. However, when my professional life (work) impacts my recovery, there is an opportunity for others to learn how We, the recovering addict, deal with our addictions on a daily basis. This is one such time.

I am now a Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) with only five months of experience. The facility that I work at is currently understaffed, badly. Everyone is miserable. I vowed not to get involved, do what is required of me and leave on a daily basis without a further thought of what went on. While that worked for a while, I have found that in recent weeks, I too became miserable. Right now, I’m not in a good place.

I never boast about how many years of sobriety I have because it doesn’t matter. Each of us just have today. After nine years of sobriety, the last couple of days, I am struggling with keeping my sobriety. Last night, it peaked; I thought about drinking. Did I relapse?

Keep reading . . .

I knew that my job was going to be challenging. A CNA is not an easy job. The job is disgusting at times (literally); I take care of the elderly who can’t take care of themselves in all aspects of their lives, including toileting themselves. You just get use to it. Residents can be quite the handful at times; each one has a range of medical problems and mental health issues. As a CNA, you are required by state law to respect their rights. You have to be a CNA because you enjoy those that you help no matter what is presented in front of you. Don’t get me wrong, I love working with these people no matter what they do or say to me. I know that they are struggling inside to keep the last sanity they have, in the only way they know how.

On a daily basis, I am treated like shit by residents and even my own co-workers. I am the low one on the totem pole, thus people take advantage of it (many times to the extreme). In addition, there are not many male CNA’s. Nursing is typically a women’s field. I’ve been told “. . . you just have to deal with it”.

Right now, I feel like I’m fighting for my job. I feel like my co-workers are all against me including management. The don’t listen to what I have to say, as if I’m speaking a foreign language. They don’t help asking me to do things that I’m not suppose to do. Then when I complain of the illegal activity, they turn my words or events around as if I’m the problem. They don’t help me when I ask for help, instead think I’m just an incompetent person. There are dead wrong – I take the necessary time to ensure that my residents are cared for in the proper fashion and with the dignity and respect that any human being deserves!

Sorry I’m getting on tangents, but bare with me . . .now how sobriety plays a part.

Before I go into work, I say the Serenity Prayer. During the day, I must say it over 1,000 times. I’m not a person that prays. Recently, I have really asked for guidance and help, yet I get no relief. Is there a lesson here that I should be learning besides patience and tolerance because if there is, I just don’t seem to get it.

Psychologically, its torture. I don’t want to be there, nor do I want to work with my co-workers. But the other side of me doesn’t want to abandon my residents. They are human beings and should not be treated in the manner that I have witnessed.

My Sponsor and I have constant communication. He doesn’t understand why I still work there. He believes I should just look for another job and leave. With only five months of experience, it’s hard to get another job somewhere else; it’s just not that easy to pick up, leave and get another job. He doesn’t understand because he hasn’t been in my shoes. However, he has given me suggestions.

Last night, I called him on the verge of tears. I was going to just walk off the job and I didn’t care about my license as a CNA. I had a fear that I was going to drink; I didn’t trust myself. I have so much anger, resentment, fear, etc. built up, I just didn’t know what to do. We talked on my break but I have to cut him off because Gods forbid I was late coming back in. The point is, he was there for me. That got my through the last hour of work, home and I DID NOT DRINK.

This morning we went out for breakfast (I had to pay – another issue, later). As always, he made suggestions. Some I can do, others are difficult to implement. But I still listened.

One suggestion was attending meetings. I don’t go to enough because of my scattered schedule, complacency and timing. All excuses. I don’t MAKE THE TIME to get to meetings. Yes, it would mean less sleep (I drive three hours a day to work, plus an eight hour day, so do the math). But there are plenty of meetings right before work, that I can just attend a meeting, then drive to work. There is even a meeting in a town that I drive through every day. I just haven’t ever been to a meeting there. So I’m going to take his suggestion because that is what Sponsee’s should do – ACT on SUGGESTIONS given by our Sponsors.

I have now lost my train of thought, if I really had one. Recent events have put my mental capabilities to shambles; I can’t think straight, I can’t concentrate, I can’t remember even the littlest things. It’s rough. I know it and I need to DO something about it.

This is where I feel that I’m a hypocrite. I tell people going through something like this to think of a river, you’re standing on a stone in the middle of a river. No matter what you do (build a dam to block it or control it), build a bridge or try to avoid it, etc., the river is going to keep flowing around you. You need to DO something, like step off the stone, before the river just pulls you downstream and drowns you. But do I take my own advice?

Perhaps this time I should!

The Wandering Enigma

Tag: ethics

WORK: A Huge Stress Trigger!