Tag: grief

Depression – Coming Out on the Other Side

On By mikeykjrIn Personal4 Comments

It’s been a rough week for me with the death of my cat, Heart. For the last week, I’ve been a miserable human being. Previous experiences taught me I would be going through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

The two most prominent stages were anger and depression. The cauldron of anger was already stirred with my misery at work. My anger was misdirected to those I work with and the situations unfolding at work. Almost every day I thought about walking away from my job. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was dealing with enough pain, I refused to deal with more. Instead, I bitched and complained about everything and everyone around me. As I look back, I look like the fool (again).

As a Star Wars fan, I have to imbed this video in my discussion:

The path of anger led me down to the pit of depression. I had no motivation to do a damn thing. For most nights, I just watched episodes of NCIS on Netflix, fell asleep and repeated the same thing the next day. I didn’t even fight to get out: I didn’t care; I had no motivation to do anything; I could care less about the world around me. I did the only thing I could attach myself to – my computer and Netflix. There were periods of time where I thought I may be coming out of it. Then I would sink back in. I was tired of looking at Facebook. I wasn’t interested in playing Achaea, which I typically do in the morning.

There were periods of time where I thought I may be coming out of it. Then I would sink back in. I was tired of looking at Facebook. I wasn’t interested in playing Achaea, which I typically do in the morning. I didn’t have any motivation to cook nor go to the store, so I bought roast beef subs from the local gas station a few nights. I knew it was getting really bad.

Yesterday I convinced myself to talk to my Gods. For some reason (I just noticed yesterday) I lost power the other night, so my other computers were all off. I turned the one on I use for my spiritual practices to find 500+ messages waiting in my email box. So I made myself read them and make use of them. I guess it helped because some motivation has returned today.

I don’t know where this is going to lead me right now. However, I do know “there is a light at the end of the tunnel.” So, right now I’m opening the windows to my home, pulling back the shades and letting the autumn sounds and smells permeate my surroundings. It’s the beginning of coming out the other side.

RIP Heart

On By mikeykjrIn Personal7 Comments

 

heart_20170709
RIP Heart 1998 – 2017

 

I had known Heart for almost ten years before I began to take care of her. Her owner, my ex-sponsor, said he couldn’t care for both his cats anymore. I was in the process of moving, so I told my ex-sponsor I would take Heart with me. I moved Heart to my house in July 2017.

It was a difficult decision because she would be taken away from her sister, Sassy. It was also a long drive to my home. Lastly, my work schedule is so erratic I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to spend a lot of time with her. Despite these difficulties, I took her home and shared the last months of her life.

She was supposedly 19 years old, according to my ex-sponsor. Her sister has a range of medical problems in the last year. We thought that Sassy would pass away first, then Heart. Instead, it was the other way around. The bond between them is strong, so we both believe now that Heart has passed, Sassy will deteriorate quickly and pass away too.

In the last month, she gave me a scare. She began not drinking and eating. Then she developed wheezing. People were saying it could be a urinary tract infection while others were telling me it could be a simple cold.  The consensus was to take to a vet.

She was 19 years old, so I chose not to do so. She got better shortly after, so I spent more time with her. I knew that her passing would be soon. She started to not eat and drink four days ago; no matter what I put in front of her, she just walked away. The wheezing returned obstructing her breathing. I knew this was the time.

The previous episode I had already given her all my love and comfort. She knew this as she continued to stay by my side until the end. Yesterday, she sat right by her bed, unable to move but would pick up her head to drink some water. It ripped my heart I had to work but I couldn’t stand to watch her pass away. I didn’t know when it would happen, I just knew this was the last day I would see her.

When I got home from work the house was completely silent. She didn’t greet me at the door. I knew what had happened. You can never be prepared.

Even now as I write this the tears continue to flow down my cheeks. I am heartbroken beyond words. The house is silent. Memories, good memories just keep coming up tearing my heart. I can hardly function. I keep rolling back to her picture above, talking to her as if she is here. I miss her deeply. A part of me went with her and forever I will be changed.