Difficulties

For some reason this week is difficult for me. Last week I was full of gratitude. This week is a whole other story. I don’t like how I’m reacting to things. I call people but people never call me back. Online meetings just aren’t the same as face-to-face meetings. When I get a feeling “something is wrong” I know I need to change things.

Last week I was going to write about the increased gratitude I have for having many thing in my life. Many are bitching and complaining about being cooped up, not working, at home with their families all day long, etc. Really? Yet, in normal circumstances you can’t wait for a weekend, want a long vacation or crave the attention of your family because you don’t think you have enough time for them? Now you have that time, so make use of it.

I am categorized as an “essential” employee, so I don’t get the luxury of time off. The only changes in my life are no face-to-face meetings and no customers in the store when I work, otherwise its just like any other normal day. Sometimes I feel like I live in a bubble and wish I could be walking in your shoes. Then the bubble pops and I snap back into reality – what the hell is really going on?

As I’ve started to work again, I noticed many things I still need to work on. Not working, yet working on sobriety is completely different. It’s much easier. Working and living sobriety is just plain much harder. I recognize this, so I have to put more work into my sobriety.

For instance, last night, I let the temper get the best of me. Things just weren’t going my way. That was problem one. The little things turned into big things and it just kept getting worse and worse. I let it keep getting worse and worse until I walked out the door. I need to take the time to take a deep breath and be grateful I have a job right now. I also need to remind myself “things will happen when they are suppose to happen”.

Right now, my search for an apartment is at a stand still. There is absolutely nothing in the area available to rent. I wanted to move out April 1st. Now that isn’t going to happen. To compound the issue, I have a new roommate who moved in this afternoon. My two roommates woke me up when this was happening so I only got about five hours of sleep. Here we go again – the little things frustrating me turning into big things. Problem two I need to work on – do I really need to let this shit to bother me? No. At least I have a roof over my head – be grateful.

Frustrated, as is everyone else, so it’s normal. But part of me feels selfish thinking the way I feel. So I’m glad I actually read, slowly, my own daily readings. There was a message there I needed to hear. I’ve been just posting and not really reading my own readings lately. I need to stop myself and read them, practice them and work on them. That is how this whole sobriety things works in the first place, right?

And there you go, my mood is changing. Suddenly I don’t feel as bitchy and whiny. Sobriety can be a wonderful thing, if I let it and work on it.