Memory Lane – Broke & Lonely

As promised, I will re-post my old blog entries from November 2007 when I was in active addiction. This is a prime example of how selfish alcoholics can be. And to have them in the same room is even more dangerous!

All Things Must Come to an End (posted 11/19/2007)

I want to thank everyone who sent support to me back on Thursday when I announced that I was going to go through a drug/alcohol program. Even though this is something the State is requiring me to do, I believe it is the only way to rid myself of the addiction of drinking. Unfortunately, it can’t happen for a while as all the red tape has to get cut and paperwork filed in order. My case worker called me today, “I need this, that, this and that.” Ugh! Other more positive news . . . if you can it that My horoscope matches my feelings today. Before I read it, I was in a chipper mood. While I still am, I’m thinking that if I ask the company of friends (physical) they will only take me down. So even though its solitude, I think its best to stay at home. I can talk to supportive friends online all day long. I haven’t had a beer or cigarette since Thursday due to lack of funds. I don’t want the opportunity right now. Fall is over, Winter is here. There is a good 1/2 to inch of snow actually sticking on the ground. However tomorrow is suppose to be in the 50’s after today’s low 30’s. I was suppose to go to Owego with Cal today to apply for HEAP but I see that he has forgotten, as he’s over at Gary’s doing something. He was suppose to bring 5 gallons of kerosene to help me until I get HEAP because I took care of his dog. Has not’t happen. Convicted felon can get automatic food stamps, no rehabilitation and I have to wait? Besides he is a no good, lying, cheating, stealing, leech and right now I rather not care to know him! Gary was suppose to go to Owego today to get his and his son’s prescriptions but he has no gas! ROFL. We ran out of gas THREE times (I did twice myself going to get more!). To fucking bad buddy, your cash tree has no more cash on it. You and your friends are going to have to find someone else to leech from. I bought him a 12pk and cigs last week too. Supposedly he is suppose to get some money but again I get screwed. Day at home in solitude sounds good to me. I don’t need to get tangled up in lies and deceit. I’m tired of it. So tired of it I slept 12 hours last night. I haven’t done that in ages. Now I have a clear mind and I actually feel like doing something constructive. Perhaps clean this nasty house that was hit by a tornado over the last month? It’s bad! First, let me shower! I feel the need to take one.

An Abundance of Anniversaries

Many of us have busy schedules from Halloween to the New Year. Veteran’s Day (for some), Thanksgiving,  and Christmas are all observed. Parents get uptight around this time of year because the kids are off for Winter break from school. Finally, in rural New York, the deer are rutting (mating), hunting season (shooting) begins, temperatures are beginning to fall and you can smell the sweet pine and oak burning in fireplaces all day long. In addition, I celebrate four anniversaries myself: CNA certification, 10 years of sobriety and this site, The Wandering Enigma, will be a year old.

Today in 2016, I passed the New York State, Department of Health,  Certified Nursing Assistant exam. For once in my life, I wasn’t nervous about the exam. The instructor drilled us on the skills and material we needed to pass the exam, so much of the credit I give to her. It was worth all the effort.

On December 1, 2017, I will be celebrating ten(10) years of sobriety. It brings tears to my eyes. I can distinctly remember pounding a beer on the table in the late 1990’s saying, “If I could stop drinking this, my life would be a hold lot different.” But I never imagined what I’ve been through since day, both the good and bad times.

With that in mind, I thought it would be interesting to viewers to publish parts of my old journal entries from the beginning of my sobriety. Where was my head ten years ago, say today?  I wrote it all down either electronically or on paper. Yes, I have kept both for ten years but only periodically have a gone back to them. It’s time to dust them off.

In addition, I am going to start publishing my experiences of working the 12 Steps with my Sponsor. It will be a monthly series.  I can publish my own material while at the same time gathering material from other sources for reference. Perhaps start discussing our own stories and experiences too?

Lastly,  this site will have its first anniversary on December 4, 2017. The purpose of this site was to provide unedited experiences of my journey through sobriety. In addition,  providing other relevant material on sobriety.  Unfortunately, I have not been able to do the later because I’ve been self-absorbed in my personal journal. But at some point, I hope to expand the site to include material and references.

Our journey in sobriety is ALWAYS a work in progress.  ~ Mike Kolodziej

Memorial Day 2017

 

As you may or may not know, I’m an amateur genealogist. Many of my family members have been service men or women in the Armed Forces during various conflicts (Vietnam War, Korean War, WWI and WWII and Civil War). Today, I want to thank those in the past and present for serving in the Armed Forces of the United States.

Memorial-Day

Today, I’ve decided to go down my own memory lane. As you know, I’ve fought my own battles with addiction. Before WordPress, I had online journal through LiveJournal. Livejournal was one of the first “blogging” sites in the old days of the Internet. Starting in 2002, I started blogging events in my life on a regular basis. However, in 2017, I ended my relationship with Livejournal transferring service WordPress. As the use of Livejournal declines, I’m afraid my entries will soon disappear. Therefore I’m taking the painful task of downloading them all, month by month.

Painful, yes, but I’m okay. Tears flow down my face as I read memories of my past. Over and over, I asked myself, “When is this all going to end?” At times, the world around me goes dark and I’m re-living some of the worst times in my life. Afterward, when I snap myself out of my memory, it is a relief the life I lived back then is truly over.

But for many addicts, they do not survive. Since the beginning of my sobriety in Dec 2007, I have had many friends who have lost their own battles with addiction, never to rise again for their own battlefields. There are others, like myself, who continue to suffer from the wounds inflicted by our addiction(s).

surgeon_general.png

So today, while I honor those who gave their lives in physical battles, I also want to honor those who lost their lives to their addictions.

You, too, will not be forgotten!

 

 

 

Full Circle

Yesterday I had an appointment to view some property in Van Etten, NY. As I drove to my destination, I went through Spencer, NY. I was flooded with memories of the times at the end of my drinking days. All I could do to stay on the road was to keep wiping my eyes from the flood of tears coming down my cheeks. It’s interesting how things have come full circle.

I can remember months before my sobriety date in 2007. I was drinking at least a 30 pack of Milwaukee’s Best lager or more. It was only $7.00 for a 12 pack or $15 for a 30-pack with a short trip to Pennsylvania. The things I did to get beer.

As I passed a certain road, I remember the all day trip it took me just to get my beer. Four miles of road took me an hour and a half one way, so THREE HOURS total. I would buy a 12-pack at the store, go back home and by the time I hit my front door, I have a couple cans left. I would take a nap and go back into town to get another 12-pack for the night. Absolute insanity.

Meanwhile, my rent was three months late. My landlord was threatening to throw me out. I didn’t have a job. My unemployment had run out in November. I had no fuel for heat, so I was running to a gas station to get 2 gallons of kerosene every day too. I couldn’t even think of food. My refrigerator was empty. In the last couple of days, I couldn’t remember the last time I took a shower because I had used all the propane, so I had no hot water either. It was a miserable experience.

Now it has come full circle. I’m full of emotions because that was who I was at the time. Today I’m 150% a different person. I am a responsible adult who pays his bills on time, is not in threat of eviction or lack of basic services. I have transportation and a well paying job. I am committed to traveling the path I am on with sobriety. But don’t think the journey has ended.

I’m beginning, yet another, new chapter in my life.  As I search for a new home closer to work, new stresses will begin to pop up I’m sure. Yes, there will be bumps in the road. But in the end, I’ll survive without grabbing for a drink.

Now I have this song in my head:  https://youtu.be/fCR0ep31-6U