Tag: obsession

An Alcoholic Mind: The End of the World

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

As we grow spiritually, following our own paths of recovery, we have to remember we still have alcoholic minds. I know I do; I can, at times, still think like an alcoholic. While I may be recovered from the obsession of the drink, there are areas of my life still needing attentiveness on a daily basis. By using spiritual tools in Alcoholics Anonymous I can get through the day, despite how bleak I may make my own outlook in life.

Yesterday, after getting some very good rest, I woke up ready to tackle the day ahead of me. One thing was wrong – my computer was off. What? Oh no, no, no. I always leave my computer on because its on its last leg, it has to stay running. After pressing the power button, I notice the computer manufacturer splash screen displays for a split second. Oh Gods no, this is not good! The screen goes blank. But all is not lost. The fan and computer itself is still humming. I’ve run across enough of these “black screen” problems, so I did in my experience and begin to work on the problem.

Nothing works. I have tried several different series of key combinations. Each time I’ve shut it down completely, disconnected the battery, drained the remaining power, waiting the appropriate time and restarted it. Black screen. My mind – No computer? You no longer have a life. What are you going to do? The World is coming to an end.”

My mind begins to fill with thoughts of all kinds. Slowly I’m returning to insanity – did I do this, did I do that, try it again, and again. Suddenly, the owner of the place I volunteer, a cat rescue/adoption center, asks if I can come in. I immediately stop what I’m doing and start walking. However, all they way there my mind is still spinning about my computer.

The owner is there profusely thanking me for coming in to help. We begin the rituals to clean up the shop and cat area from the day before. As I’m concluding my activities, saying goodbye to the various kittens, younglings and adults (‘cus that is what I do when I leave – they have feelings too!), the owner asks a word of me. For the next thirty minutes we talk about addiction and recovery – how I got here, how I’m doing and my plans for the future.

She tells me about her past – her experiences with people both in recovery and active addiction. I get a sense of regret from her she couldn’t or can’t do more. I explain to her by giving us the opportunity to work here, she is doing more than she knows, so I explain what just happened in the morning. After our in depth discussion she was going to look at some old laptops she had sitting in the closet, “..because I have no idea why there are still there.”

Later in the afternoon, I remembered my roommate just purchased a used monitor gaming system. His old monitor was sitting on my dresser, so I borrowed it for a brief moment. After plugging in the HDMI cable and switching to an external monitor the computer functions properly.

The point here is my alcoholic mind can twist and turn things into an unbelievable nightmare of a day, if I choose to let it. Yet when I use the spiritual tools of Alcoholics Anonymous, particularly a belief in a Higher Power, things tend to work out just fine – if I let them!

This is how Alcoholics Anonymous works in my life.

No Butts

On By mikeykjrIn health, Personal, Smoke FreeLeave a comment

For many addicts we have one vice we have a hard time just letting go. For many in recovery it is smoking. As non-smokers can understand, you arrive or leave an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting only to be overwhelmed by all the smokers who tend to hang out at the front door. I was one of them. But I, just like alcohol, made a decision to stop for the rest of my life. It’s not easy saying goodbye to your best friend you’ve had for 37 years. But I can relate. It’s just like any other addiction. For me, it’s “One Day At a Time”.

To my surprise, the first day without a cigarette was relatively easy. Honestly, I had three strong cravings all day. The first walking to my first AA meeting of the day. The next after I ate dinner at night. Finally the last, when I was done with my day and heading off to bed.

I did not go cold turkey, as I immediately have put a NRT patch upon waking up. Based on my own experience of trying to stop smoking in my past, the patches helped me “stay stopped” successfully. The challenge right now is filling my hands with something to do when the cravings start.

As I shared at a meeting yesterday, I am applying the same principles of AA to quit smoking. While I’m looking for some positive reinforcement in my decision to do so, many dismiss me. Doing so just makes my determination stronger. An old timer, who’s been smoke free for many years now, pointed to the toothpick he always chews when at an AA meeting. I responded with, “I’ll try that…I’m being honest, open-minded and willing, just as I am in AA”

Just like when I quit alcohol, the first few hurdles are the physical craving and mental obsession. The cravings come when my body says, “Hey, we’re missing something here.” My body is expelling those toxic chemicals, just like alcohol, that in the end want to kill me. For those who quit cold turkey, I applaud you because without the NRT, I highly doubt I would have gotten through the first 24 hours. The mental obsession as we know from our addiction takes time. Dammit, I want it all to go away, NOW! **great laughter** . I’ve been down this road before haven’t I?

Right now, it’s all about Step 1 to Step 3. I know I’m powerless – if I smoke one, I’m off to the races again and I can’t stop. Step 2, I “believe in a Power greater than myself WILL restore me to sanity” – I trust this will happen, giving it time. Lastly, Step 3, I “turn my will and my life over to the the care of God (or Higher Power) as I understand Him”. I’m not alone, my Higher Power is there to help me, if I let Him.

I say this as another craving sets in because I’m about to walk to outpatient treatment. Typical routine – smoke a cigarette. But just writing those three Steps, the obsession is NOT there, the physical craving has already lessened and I’m not even out the door. I know the program works, I just have to trust the process.