This Too Shall Pass

How or where do I even star?. I’m thankful this week is over because it’s been a very rough week with my college courses and work. Sometimes I just want to cry. I feel like I’m falling apart about to fail at everything. There is so much going on it’s overwhelming.

First, work is a struggle each and every day – mentally, physically and spiritually. In January, I thought I was going to enjoy it. It was something entirely different than an office environment. What was required of me wasn’t demanding, so I thought. What I’ve come to find out is exactly the opposite.

Honestly, it is a complete shit show at work right now. I’m almost on the edge of just walking away. But I know doing so it a stupid decision and won’t solve anything. It doesn’t help Walmart has decided to change the management structure right before the holidays and during a pandemic. The overall feeling I get is no one cares about anything. People have become extremely lazy, unhelpful and are only looking out for themselves. Sometimes I feel like I work with the most unintelligent, lazy, disorganized, stupid morons on the planet. This is where I need to stop thinking such things. It doesn’t have anything to do with them – it’s all about me.

Looking at myself can be scary sometimes. But it needs to be done to see what and how I can change things. I’m full of doubt and fear.

Did I make the right decision to start school or even return? I don’t want to be working where I am all my life. It’s not a career; it’s a job I endure to pay the bills. After work each day I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I have no motivation nor can I concentrate on anything. I just want to go to bed. Then I wake up the next day and do it all over again.

This doesn’t leave much time to what’s required for my college courses. I barely had enough time this week to get all readings, discussions and assignments turned in. Then the doubt and fear creeps in I’m going to fail because I’m not doing the quality of work needed at this level in college.

With all my heart I want to succeed. I have to succeed. Obviously, I’m not happy working where I am and it’s not the time to find other employment. Besides, I should be grateful my employer is paying for me to go to college.

I called off work because I needed a break. It just so happens I have the next three days off because I have Monday and Tuesdays off. But why do I feel so guilty about calling in? My employer gives us ‘protected time off’ for whatever we choose to use it. It’s meant to be used on such occasions. Again, I should be grateful my employer offers such benefits.

Here comes the tears dammit…

Change of subject because all I’m doing is getting myself in what I call a ‘tizzy’. We’re having out first snow fall of the season. It’s a small accumulation. Just looking at it brings me joy. A change in the air.

Then I go back inside and I get depressed all over again.

I despise days like this but they happen. Since it’s Monday I might as well use this time productively and get a head start of my coursework for this week. Perhaps if I accomplish something it will brings my spirits up.

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Is This a Bad Day?

I woke up this morning, tired as hell. Typically Thursdays are a relaxing day with just treatment group in the morning, a coffee commitment and meeting at noon, then the rest of the day is for me. But added to my day today, I have meetings with two people I sponsor, as well as meeting with my own sponsor. I have a sense of being overwhelmed. My thoughts, “Have I gotten to involved in my recovery. Do I need to take a step back. Is there a thing of “to much recovery”?

My roommate, the one having his own issues, was up late last night inconsiderate of me and our other roommate. He just was. I’ll leave it there. I called my sponsor earlier in the evening. The message was I have to worry about myself. Damn it, that is so hard sometimes especially when you live with someone who you are concerned about – I feel helpless.

One person I sponsor comes over every morning so I can help set his day straight. On the other hand, he is always asking for a cigarette. This is going to stop when I speak to him later in the day. I understand where he’s at and I’m willing to help him. However, there is a point where I must set a boundary – this is his recovery, he has to do the work and not become dependent on me.

Treatment group question – Why are you here? What is it going to take for your to complete? I was just honest. I don’t want to be there. I’m mandated in a sense because of my residential program. I’m not getting anything out of treatment groups. However, it is my hope my experience I share in groups about the topic helps someone else.

I’m walking home, talk to a few more people about recovery. I just want it all to stop just for a minute. I need to reset. Yet, as I’m walking home a thought occurs to me, “Perhaps this is not a bad day. Just maybe, if you let it, it will turn around.” I truly believe all the things I’m involved in are for a purpose, not only for myself but to help others. I just have to make the appropriate changes in my life and sometimes appropriate sacrifices (i.e. not getting enough sleep).

Before I started writing, I checked people who made comments or replied to a comment I made on their post. I replied to lackadaisicalwhimsy ‘s post about a recent relapse, getting back into recovery and not being motivated. lackadaisicalwhimsy replied to me saying how it helped and motivated them to take action. So thank YOU, lackadaisicalwhimsy for getting me motivated to do what I need to do when “I’m not having such a good day!”

That alone has just turned my whole day around. For me, that is how recovery works. I recognize my Higher Power wouldn’t have put all these people in my life is there was not a reason. I need all this because inside me I still have thoughts running through my head – in reality, I need to get out of myself!

Now, let’s get things done!