Tag: relapse

One Day at A Time

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

As I look at my past ten years of sobriety, then my relapse, I have to look at what didn’t work. I had a good program going until I started to do what I wanted, when I wanted and how I wanted to do things in my life. Since I restarted my journey in sobriety, I only concentrate on “One Day at a Time” literally. I’ve developed a daily schedule, simple yet effective, which helps me to stay sober and allows for peace and serenity in my life.

At the ten year mark, I was in my own place, where I wanted to be, doing what I wanted. There wasn’t a thought I had my alcoholism “licked” because I knew better. It was waiting patiently, waiting for the right time to come back and kick my arse. That it did! Hence, the saying, “..cunning, baffling and powerful”. It wasn’t like drinking my first beer ever in life. I started right back from where I left off ten years ago: one beer the first day, three the next but the end of the week a 12pk, next week I was drinking a good 30 pack a day AGAIN. Remember its a progressive, chronic disease. It never stops until we are DEAD!

When I walk through the doors this time around, I made a commitment LIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME. Honestly, I had reservations whether I was going to stay sober until I walked into my first AA meeting – I was home again. So the first thing I do daily is practice gratitude:

  • I’m grateful for my Higher Power for waking me up (I’m alive)
  • I’m grateful to be start another day sober
  • I’m grateful to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous

If you’re reading this, you know the second thing I do daily to keep myself sober – I take the time to post my daily readings. Why? My sponsor the first time I was sober told me to write each Step down. If we write things down, we have to face them. I do this process with my readings. Instead of just reading them, I actually type them out here. It helps me to remember, perhaps, those things I can work on for my sobriety today.

For instance, as you know I have codependent behaviors, hence the Language of Letting Go readings. These principles are vital in my sobriety. Just like my alcoholism, I must practice these principles daily. One of my roommates takes something out and doesn’t put it back where it belongs. He wakes up in the middle of the night, makes himself a snack leaving the peanut butter jar open with the knife on top. He habitually leaves not one but multiple glasses laying around the house empty after drinking its contents. Deep down it infuriates me. He’s a f**king slob. However, it is NOT my job to clean up after him. Even after multiple times of asking (politely) to clean up his own messes, he just doesn’t want to change. So, daily I remind him, “Mr. X please put X in the sink to be washed.” I can’t change him; he has to be willing to change himself. I have no control over what he does or doesn’t do. The point is I’m not going to “save or take care of” him. I have to practice acceptance, tolerance and pity (an AA principle) – meet him where he’s at, keep my calm and recognize he’s just sicker than me.

The Three
AA Legacies

I recognize from my own past when I am not involved in Alcoholics Anonymous in any way, shape or form I’m walking toward my next drink. No matter what my mood, no matter who may or may not show up, no matter how much I may despise people, how they share their non-existence of experience in meetings or what the weather is outside, I have to attend meetings. I also have commitments; I have responsibilities to show up, not only for myself, but for others. Every meeting I attend, I hear a message I can learn and apply in my own life. Luckily for me, there are at least two meetings a day I can attend to help me stay sober no matter what is going on in my life. Again, this is a vital “action” needed for recovery – going to meetings on a regular basis.

I’m grateful for the residential program where I currently reside because honestly I’m not sure if I could stay sober without the continued support I receive on a daily basis. At times, I may despise this program. For instance, a staff member just came into the house. He didn’t knock or say, “Hello! Is anyone home?” He just came in, ignored me, walked around the house, then proceeds to tell me, “Please sweep the floor” as he’s walking out of the house. I would never just walk into someone’s house. When I worked in the chemical dependency field, we practiced respect for our clients. Again, I have to recognize, my values may not be the same as others and this is a temporary situation. For my sobriety I just bite my tongue, take a breath and move on.

Despite small inconveniences throughout the day, I manage to live a simple yet meaningful life. I may not have a job, my own home, money in my pocket, etc. But I am sober and enjoying life today. It reminds me of the 9th Step promises:

“We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will materialize if we work for them.”  

Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book, pg. 83 and 84

Five (5) Months Sober

On By mikeykjrIn Personal2 Comments

Yesterday, I attended a meeting out of town with my Sponsor. In reality, I wanted to have the day to myself. I’ve been to eight meetings of various Fellowships in the last three days plus regular appointments. However, someone reminded me in a meeting one night, “I jump at opportunities, when they are presented, when it comes to my sobriety.” Today, my life is dependent on the following:

“What we really have is a daily reprieve
contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.”
– Alcoholic Anonymous, p. 85

Today, I have a heart of gratitude for the things in my life. While I may be in a temporary situation (a chemical dependency residential program living on state funding for food and shelter), it provides me the opportunity to ensure my foundation of sobriety is firm before I attempt to become a productive human being of society again. I’m thankful for the assistance I receive, the support groups I’m involved in and mostly the new found friendships I have developed in the last five months. But it wasn’t all red roses when I got here.

There are those who are not so fortunate or those who are still in the place I came from, thus I must not forget where I’ve been. Seven months into a relapse, I had almost lost everything a second time. I knew what I must do but I couldn’t because the guilt, shame, fear, etc. was so overwhelming, I did want any alcoholic does – I drank to oblivion!

I was living an insane life. With no job, no transportation, living on my last paycheck completely isolating myself in my home, I was digging my own grave. I was in the midst of this physical allergy to alcohol. From the first drink it created this physical craving; once I started drinking I could not stop no matter what or how many times I tried.

As time went by I developed a mental obsession. Constantly, all I did was obsess about how much alcohol I had, where I was going to get it, when I was going to get it so I didn’t run out, worried whether or not I had enough money to buy some more, planning ways to lie, cheat, steal or manipulate those close to me so I can get my next 12/18 pack. I would do anything to get my next fix!

There was a moment in time when I ran out of money, scared as crap, “Oh My God, how the hell am I going to get my next case of beer?” This time around, my mind wandered to something else – another substance. I knew my old friend had stashes around the house because I had previously found a few. I was on the verge of using other substances because I couldn’t get my beer. That is how desperate I became in my addiction. Sad really.

My last day drunk, I was walking back from the mini-mart where I had just bought a 12 pack. Halfway home I stopped in my tracks on a bridge crossing a river, “I can’t do this anymore!” I looked up and said, “I know I’m not in the best spot to ask right now, but can you help me out?” I don’t know what came over me but I threw the 12 pack in the river and continued home.

When I got home I was a mess crying for at least 30 minutes or more. My phone started to go off. It was a treatment facility I had been talking to about admission to their inpatient program I hadn’t heard of in a week. The person offered me a bed at their facility the next day and had already arranged for a service to pick me up early in the morning. I cried all over again for the next hour or more.

Today, “I don’t regret, my past nor do I shut the door on it” (a 9th Step promise). Soon enough I will have to “face” those things in the past which I must take action. Am I scared? Of course. Will it cause me to drink today? No. There is a time and place for such things to happen but for me it’s not today.

My Sponsor and I are readying the Big Book word for word, another new experience for me. Since November we tried to meet on a weekly basis but life throws us curve balls, otherwise known as “living life on life’s terms”. We just started Chapter 4, “We Agnostics”. So technically I’m starting Step 2. Am I disappointed I’m not further along in the Steps? Absolutely not. I’m right where I need to be today remembering “progress rather than perfection”.

When I woke up, and just a moment ago I told a roommate, I decided I wasn’t going to a meeting today. After writing this, I’m getting off this duff of mine and going to a meeting at noon. Do I need one? Not really. All I have to do is listen. I have the whole rest of the day to do whatever I need. But, as this way of life has shown me time and time again, there is probably going to be a newcomer or someone struggling at the meeting, so I’m probably going to say something because talking to another suffering alcoholic is what keeps me sober today!

Now After A Relapse

On By mikeykjrIn Personal3 Comments

For those of you reading, I relapsed in February 2018 (The Relapse) after ten years of sobriety.  I knew full well it was coming. I became hopeless and just gave up. On September 14, 2018, I got back into sobriety.  I’m fortunate to live in a chemical dependency residential program, working with a Sponsor and have a strong sober network.

First and foremost, I wasn’t involved in my own sobriety. First, like most if not all people that relapse, I wasn’t attending recovery meetings (AA or NA).  I made excuses not to go.  Second, my Sponsor and I grew apart, thus I wasn’t calling him regularly.  Lastly, I wasn’t “practicing the principles in all my affairs”.  I was a dry dunk after moving from Binghamton in July 2017. I wasn’t drinking but I wasn’t apply a spiritual program to my life either.

Working as a CNA was the worst decision of my life.  While it can be rewarding at times, the amount of stress involved working in that field is tremendous, therefore I will not be working as a CNA again.  I saw so much abuse, neglect and injustice, I literally went insane.

Second, I really never worked on my codependency issues.  Unfortunately, those reared their ugly heads time after time.  This last time was devastating to me because I got involved in a relationship with another active addict after my relapse.

So what am I doing now?

I attending one to two meetings per day.  I’m also involved in a chemical dependency outpatient program.  I mentioned I live in a chemical dependency residential program which I moved from a 3/4 house to a supportive living program.  I also got a Sponsor the second month I was here and we are working through the 12 Steps of AA.  In addition I’m also attending CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and GA (Gamblers Anonymous).

My Sponsor is giving me a new perspective of the Big Book.  Instead of just going through the Steps, we actually started reading from the first page (pg. xi – Preface).  We take turns reading the Big Book. He also references Joe & Charlie’s Big Book Study which I had never heard of until now.  He agreed we will probably just review Step 1-3 since he feels I still have a good handle on those Steps.  Step 4 onward, I’ll be doing the Steps all over again.  I have absolutely no problem doing ALL Steps over again.

I just left a 3/4 house (seven guys in one house, we all share a bedroom except the senior who gets his own) I’ve been living in since October when I got here.  I’ve moved in a separate apartment with just three guys.  The other two guys don’t participate in a 12 Step program.  However, one of them is leaving and then one of the guys from the 3/4 house is coming here next week.

Outpatient treatment isn’t doing a damn thing for me.  It took me a month to get into it.  I wasn’t impressed with the process of admission at all.  There is a constant turn around with clients (I mean I hardly see the same people in my groups week to week).  One counselor didn’t know how to run a group properly but she has not left the practice. Recently I removed myself from a group because I had no reason for being in that group to begin with as none of the subject matters pertained to me – at all. Despite the negative experiences, I am still participating and will continue to attend groups.

While I attend AA or NA groups once or twice a day, I also have been attending CoDA and GA meetings.  CoDA just started a meeting in the area.  I’m glad for this meeting because now I’m more aware of my codependency issues.  GA meetings are supposedly on Sunday but the last time I attempted to attend, no one showed up.  This surprises me since I live very near Turning Stone Casino.  Despite this, I’ll keep trying.

I haven’t had any dire circumstances arise as of yet.  There were a few groups which brought up resentments which I identified.  This is the first Christmas without my old Sponsor (since his passing in April 2018), so I’m still processing those feelings.  But overall, I’m doing really good.  I’m right where I’m suppose to be, doing what I’m suppose to be doing.

I have hope again!

 

Struggling

On By mikeykjrIn Personal, Work Rant4 Comments

I have vowed not to include work on this blog for various reasons. However, when my professional life (work) impacts my recovery, there is an opportunity for others to learn how We, the recovering addict, deal with our addictions on a daily basis.  This is one such time.

I am now a Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) with only five months of experience.  The facility that I work at is currently understaffed, badly.  Everyone is miserable.  I vowed not to get involved, do what is required of me and leave on a daily basis without a further thought of what went on.  While that worked for a while, I have found that in recent weeks, I too became miserable.  Right now, I’m not in a good place.

I never boast about how many years of sobriety I have because it doesn’t matter.  Each of us just have today.  After nine years of sobriety, the last couple of days, I am struggling with keeping my sobriety.  Last night, it peaked; I thought about drinking.  Did I relapse?

Keep reading . . .

I knew that my job was going to be challenging.  A CNA is not an easy job.  The job is disgusting at times (literally); I take care of the elderly who can’t take care of themselves in all aspects of their lives, including toileting themselves. You just get use to it.  Residents can be quite the handful at times; each one has a range of medical problems and mental health issues.  As a CNA, you are required by state law to respect their rights.  You have to be a CNA because you enjoy those that you help no matter what is presented in front of  you.  Don’t get me wrong, I love working with these people no matter what they do or say to me.  I know that they are struggling inside to keep the last sanity they have, in the only way they know how.

On a daily basis, I am treated like shit by residents and even my own co-workers.  I am the low one on the totem pole, thus people take advantage of it (many times to the extreme).  In addition, there are not many male CNA’s.  Nursing is typically a women’s field.  I’ve been told “. . . you just have to deal with it”.

Right now, I feel like I’m fighting for my job.  I feel like my co-workers are all against me including management.  The don’t listen to what I have to say, as if I’m speaking a foreign language.  They don’t help asking me to do things that I’m not suppose to do.  Then when I complain of the illegal activity, they turn my words or events around as if I’m the problem.  They don’t help me when I ask for help, instead think I’m just an incompetent person.  There are dead wrong – I take the necessary time to ensure that my residents are cared for in the proper fashion and with the dignity and respect that any human being deserves!

Sorry I’m getting on tangents, but bare with me . . .now how sobriety plays a part.

Before I go into work, I say the Serenity Prayer.  During the day, I must say it over 1,000 times.  I’m not a person that prays.  Recently, I have really asked for guidance and help, yet I get no relief. Is there a lesson here that I should be learning besides patience and tolerance because if there is, I just don’t seem to get it.

Psychologically, its torture.  I don’t want to be there, nor do I want to work with my co-workers.  But the other side of me doesn’t want to abandon my residents.  They are human beings and should not be treated in the manner that I have witnessed.

My Sponsor and I have constant communication.  He doesn’t understand why I still work there.  He believes I should just look for another job and leave. With only five months of experience, it’s hard to get another job somewhere else; it’s just not that easy to pick up, leave and get another job.  He doesn’t understand because he hasn’t been in my shoes.  However, he has given me suggestions.

Last night, I called him on the verge of tears.  I was going to just walk off the job and I didn’t care about my license as a CNA.  I had a fear that I was going to drink; I didn’t trust myself.  I have so much anger, resentment, fear, etc. built up, I just didn’t know what to do.  We talked on my break but I have to cut him off because Gods forbid I was late coming back in.  The point is, he was there for me.  That got my through the last hour of work, home and I DID NOT DRINK.

This morning we went out for breakfast (I had to pay – another issue, later).  As always, he made suggestions.  Some I can do, others are difficult to implement.  But I still listened.

One suggestion was attending meetings.  I don’t go to enough because of my scattered schedule, complacency and timing.  All excuses.  I don’t MAKE THE TIME to get to meetings.  Yes, it would mean less sleep (I drive three hours a day to work, plus an eight hour day, so do the math).  But there are plenty of meetings right before work, that I can just attend a meeting, then drive to work.  There is even a meeting in a town that I drive through every day.  I just haven’t ever been to a meeting there.  So I’m going to take his suggestion because that is what Sponsee’s should do – ACT on SUGGESTIONS given by our Sponsors.

I have now lost my train of thought, if I really had one.  Recent events have put my mental capabilities to shambles; I can’t think straight, I can’t concentrate, I can’t remember even the littlest things.  It’s rough.  I know it and I need to DO something about it.

This is where I feel that I’m a hypocrite.  I tell people going through something like this to think of a river, you’re standing on a stone in the middle of a river.  No matter what you do (build a dam to block it or control it), build a bridge or try to avoid it, etc., the river is going to keep flowing around you.  You need to DO something, like step off the stone, before the river just pulls you downstream and drowns you.  But do I take my own advice?

Perhaps this time I should!

A Friend in Need

On By mikeykjrIn Alcoholics Anonymous, PersonalLeave a comment

Yesterday I was working on my spirituality, previously mentioned, when I received a Facebook message from an old friend.  This friend literally dropped off the face of the Earth about three years ago.  I assumed he relapsed. My intuition was right, as it often is the case when people relapse, their facebook account goes silent.  I convinced him to talk to me person to person, so I picked him up and we had a chat at a local Wendy’s.

To back track, I had attended a local Big Book reading meeting at 7 p.m. in which we discussed the first couple of pages of Chapter 2, There is a Solution. Honestly I haven’t been to a meeting in a couple of weeks and my Sponsor was up my arse to get to one, so I took his suggestion.  I’m glad that I did!

In a nutshell, my friend is living at home with his parents.  He’s been on Suboxone since he left the program but abuses it.  He’s also been prescribed Klonopin for his anxiety.  Now he’s been drinking for the last couple of months.  No job, no friends, just stays in his “man cave playing Counterstrike or Call of Duty until the early morning hours.  He’s miserable, ‘Mike, I have no life.’

We spoke for about an hour.  I reminded him of where he was and could go again, if he chooses to take my suggestions.  He talked about regretting his past, worrying about the future, etc.  I insisted that he not worry about either, “Concentrate on YOU, not the past or future.  TODAY what do you want to DO to turn your life around.”  He knows I’m a no excuses type guy, yet I still had to remind him.  It brought a smile to his face which I’m sure hasn’t happened in a while.  He thanked me for the needed conversation saying he would keep in touch.  I left the ball in his court with many options, “When you’re ready, make a solid commitment to me and I’ll be there to help in any way that I can, but you need to make that choice. I have faith that you can do this!”

My hope is to hear from him today. That is how our program works through our experience, strength and hope.  We shared both of our experiences, my strength in my sobriety and my hope for him he takes my suggestions so he can change his life around.

I am Responsible.
When Anyone, Anywhere
Reaches Out For Help,
I Want The Hand Of A.A.
Always To Be There.

And For That,
I Am Responsible !