relationships – The Wandering Enigma

“Please stay seated as the cars enter the terminal. Once the train comes to a complete stop you may depart. Please enjoy your day.” The last week feels like I just got off another rollercoaster. My Sponsor and I, despite what he believes right now, aren’t exactly on good terms. I’ve turned into a workaholic lately, partially because of my own selfishness and other times its beyond my control. An ongoing relationship with an incarcerated individual finally came full circle; karma kicks his arse – again. Yet, through all the ups and down this week, I truly believe my future will bring new beginnings.

A post this week, A Short Fuse, I wrote about my relationship with my Sponsor. Despite what he believes, I don’t think that this relationship is salvageable. Here we are full circle again, a rough time in the relationship and I feel I just need to get off. It’s just not healthy for either of us.

I’m become a workaholic. Monday I worked 3 p.m. to 7 a.m. because a third shift employee called in unable to work. In that case, I was mandated having no other choice but to work a full shift. However, once you are mandated for the week, typically you are free to choose otherwise if it happens again. Last night, two employees called unable to work on third shift. I had already started working at 12 p.m. at the request of my Director of Nursing (DON) and another employee left at 9 p.m. to return at 4 a.m. to relive me. Only she didn’t show up at 4 a.m. nor did she show up at 7 a.m., as scheduled. Thus, I worked a 19 hour day (12 p.m. to 7 a.m., if I’m doing the math right?) However, I told them I would NOT be working this evening, which was granted with no questions asked. I need rest before I get as sick as some of our residents recently.

I ate my McDonalds (breakfast, lunch and dinner) on the couch, I passed out at some point only to wake up to the loud, pounding of drums from the downstairs neighbor. It’s not his fault; he can only assume that I work a normal 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. shift. So I’ve been up a couple of hours doing little things before I head back to work.

Not surprisingly, I received a letter from my friend who is incarcerated in an Upstate prison. I haven’t heard from him in two weeks, yet the last time we spoke I knew that bad things were brewing in his corner. As he wrote me, “It was a matter of time before I got sent to the box. Now I’m here until May 15th.” Apparently, he was involved in an altercation. Again, a good thing for both of us. I knew he was reverting back to his old ways which would eventually lead him to this situation but he ignored my warnings. It’s nothing I can control. It provides me a breather from the exhausting communications via phone that were beginning to get out of hand.

I asked for this. I prayed for a period of peace for myself to take care of myself. Now I can. Though I have worked long hours, the funds are helping to secure a new home closer to work in the near future. For those of us working during Storm Stella, we received an unexpected bonus last week. I was also reimbursed for my hotel expenses. There is the overtime pay too.

The 30 inches of snow laid down last week by Stella is almost non-existent due to warmer temperatures and recent rains. Spring is beginning to bring about change. A change I’m looking forward to in my life. The rollercoaster has come to an end.

This morning I was reviewing new posts by those that I follow on WordPress. I especially like Just Ruminating (Rob). He, like me, tends to write a lot about sobriety. So, let’s change it up.

A Few Things About Me

“Well, dear readers, today I thought I would just have a little fun and share ten facts about me. Just as a way of sharing a different side of things. My entire life is not about recovery, nor does it have to be.” – Rob.

NOTE: I only did five because of reasons noted below . . .

So here you go:

1. I’m a computer geek at heart.

Since I was a young child, I have always loved computers. Systems such as the Commodore 64, Apple I and II, Atari 2600 game system were all introduced to the public during my youth. Then there was “The World Wide Web” or “The Internet” as we know it today. I remember protocols like Gopher, FTP, or browsers like Netscape (eventually Mozilla). Web page design was quite easy and everyone was doing it! The Apple and the IBM PC were the first computers I actually “programmed” using the BASIC programming language. I tinkered with computers until the ripe age of 40 when I actually got my degree. My first degree in college was an Associates of Applied Science in Computer Science Information Technology. Technology has jumped leaps and bounds since the beginning days of Microsoft and Apple. Today I have a had time keeping up withe my own network of six computers running with different projects running on them all at once. I love Free Open Source Software (FOSS), as it enables people like me to view the code behind the program and help build the current version by fixing problems. My current programming project is reviving an old project called Blue Smiley Organizer – Bookmark Manager.

2. Nature and My Spirituality

As disclosed previously, I am a Witch. Again, I don’t talk about it much because of the stigmas of modern society. During the 1980’S there was a revival in the practice of Witchcraft, many of us became Wiccans. During my youth I was always pulled to Nature (the ocean, mountains, sun, moon, stars, astrology, etc.) I was very opposed to mainstream religion (the dogma of them all). I always wondered who our ancestors, those before the mainstream religions, looked to for answers in their lives. I was intrigued with mythology but always had a hard time remember who was who. To me They were all the same (as They are). Over the years I have removed myself from the dogma of Wicca, now practicing Modern Traditional Witchcraft. I not an old hag, with a wort on my nose, a pointy hat and howling at the full moon casting hexes on people. Nor am I a Warlock (for other reasons). I am a normal human being, jeans t-shirt guy with a normal life who believes that there is more in the Universe than the dogmas of modern religions. Today, I use them as my Higher Power in sobriety, as I believe it was Their intervention that saved my life.

2. Dragons and Wolves

My ideal house would be decorated with Dragons on one side and Wolves on the other. There is just something with both species that intrigues me. Are Dragons just mythological creatures? Personally, as strange as it may seem to many, I believe they did exist at one time and now are found on another Plan of Existence. With that, I will end. Wolves, on the other hand, are just magical creatures in themselves. What draws me to them are their behaviors/personalities (I can’t think of the correct word). One minute they can be communal, hunting in packs, tending to their young, kind and gentle. On the other hand, they can be ferocious striking fear in their prey or to keep potential predators away. In the Native American culture, the wolf is considered a medicine being associated with courage, strength, loyalty, and success at hunting. There is a story about wolves I can share later.

3. I’m gay.

Those who know me tend to be surprised by this fact when deep down its quite obvious. At some point in my friendships they will ask, “Mike are you gay?”. For a very long time, I was ashamed of who I was but knew that I couldn’t change who I was – it was something biological, not a choice. I lived in an era when the stigma of the LGBT community reached a climax at the discovery of HIV/AIDS. I would say that stigma has diminished over the decades and I can only hope that it continues. I tend to keep this part of me private because do I ask my straight friends, “Hey, who are you sleeping with, man or woman?” We are all human, just biologically we have different sexual organs by we all experience the same emotions. So why can’t a man love another man, a woman love another woman? Save the argument, I’ve heard it all before.

4. I’m an avid reader

I tend to enjoy fictional literature more than non-fiction. Obviously anything with Dragons or wolves is an automatic read for me. For instance, The Loop by Nicholas Evans is one of my favorites. There are a couple series that I own for obvious reasons, like the Inheritance Cycle (Eragon, Eldest, Brisinger, etc. ) series. I love series like The Vampire Chronicles (Interview with a Vampire, The Vampire Lestat, Queen of the Damned, etc.), the Dune Novels by Frank Herbert, and The Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan. I try to keep all the books I read using Goodreads. Check out my Goodreads profile here.

5. Love – It’s Complicated

I had very few romantic relationships in my life for various reasons. Honestly, about five (Yes, 5!) total. Today, I’m involved in a relationship (I hope) with someone that I met a few years back. He’s serving a 3 to 7 year sentence for a petite larceny charge. It’s hard to describe the relationship because I’m not sure if what he is telling me is truthful. I won’t know until he gets released. I know, I know, I’ve heard it from everyone, especially my Sponsor (who also spent a majority of his life in prison) – he’s manipulating you. But I argue that there is a different side to him, when he is sober, that NO ONE knows but me. I’ve seen both sides; he’s completely different sober. However, I have to keep two things in mind. One, he is an addict and will always be an addict. Therefore, he may be manipulating me. Second, I could be infatuated (blinded by love) with him, thus I’m not thinking straight. Right now, prison walls separate us as he serves time four hours away in a Northern New York State prison. But I do talk to him on the phone on a regular basis. I don’t know – it’s complicated.

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With that I will end. Obviously, I can write and write and write for you to read until your blue in the face. Many times I think I write to much and it’s all unorganized, thus no one really reads it. Personally, I don’t care. Blogging is more for me, so I can get thoughts down and clear my mind.