Tag: rule 62

A Step in the Right Direction

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings, Personal, SNHULeave a comment

Last weekend I put myself through an emotional roller coaster. I was overwhelmed with three areas of my life: college, work, and myself. At times I didn’t know up from down, nor down from up. There were times I didn’t know if I was going to survive; I almost gave up. Yet, when I took the time needed to take a look at myself, trusting in the process, I woke up refreshed taking a step in the right direction.

First, there was this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Since I work overnights, I don’t have a lot of contact with my support network. Yet, I forgot the most important thing – the connection with a Higher Power.

I became so enmeshed with time constraints I began to cut things out. Since most of my free time has been studying, reading, writing, and solving complex mathematical problems, I just skipped right past it or didn’t read it at all. That includes the daily posts I put up here. Yet, when I slowed myself down, took a deep breath, something changed. The connection with my Higher Power was rekindled.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

p. 417, Acceptance is the Answer, Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

The above is one of my favorite quotes. At times I forget to remind myself of it. It wasn’t until I started writing this entry; this quote came to mind. That one little paragraph says so much. The most powerful message, for me, is the very last sentence, “I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.“

Ever heard of Rule #62 – “Don’t take your life [yourself] so damn seriously!“. It’s another good one. When I think back and read what was going on, especially with school, it appears to be a form of perfectionism. That is common in many addicts; the desire to be perfect all the time or an OCD everything must adhere to their specifications. While I do want to do well in school, it doesn’t mean I have to jeopardize my health and sanity for an A. Just like high school, no one is going to ask what I got in my college algebra class when I apply for a job – or they shouldn’t! It doesn’t matter. Perhaps use the same principle I try to at work every day – do the best with what you learn and leave the rest.

Even today I wasn’t as frantic about getting everything done. I could (but avoid) turning things in late for courses with a 10% penalty. I just reviewed last week’s grades, which I passed with all A’s. I got a 95% on my MAT136 assignment, but now the instructor says I could go back and re-do those I got wrong for a better score. WTF? Why?

If I remember to keep these points a top priority in my life, perhaps I won’t sink into that dark abyss. At least it’s a step in the right direction. I’m at peace again.

AA Rule 62 – “Don’t take yourself too seriously.”

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

This is another focus I’ve concentrated on during this sobriety. In the past I had a tendency to put high expectations on people and myself only to wallow in frustration, anger, sometimes resentment when my expectations weren’t met. Today I’m aware just how much I’ve changed.

My first sponsor hit the nail on the head every time, “Mike, you’re to damn seriously.” I just couldn’t see it no matter how many times he said it to me. He also reminded me, though I didn’t really practice it, “If you don’t put out high expectations, you can’t be disappointed.” Like other sayings, this still rings in my head when I get in one of my moods.

For example, last night at work a co-worker and I had a discussion about how the job could be easier for us, if this or that person did this or that. Old me would have put 200% of my thoughts in the whole conversation getting frustrated and angry why it couldn’t be this way. I caught myself right there. I simply nodded and said, “Okay”. When at work in the past old me would have looked at the day expecting to get everything done exceeding what was expected of me. At the end of the day when I didn’t get what I want accomplished, I would get down on myself sinking myself into a pit of despair.

I don’t think I’ve ever been this relaxed at work. I literally go in with no expectations at all. As with many jobs, we have production goals per day. There are a set amount of hours expected to do certain jobs. I’m certainly not lazy, I do my job. Though I may be new to this whole experience, I still push towards those expected goals. Last night, I actually got all pallets and carts stocked, cardboard and pallets off the floor two hours earlier than the previous day. At one point I didn’t think I would get things done because I noticed I put a few things in the wrong places and had to switch things around. I was actually proud of myself for getting all that done. But again, I’m not going to expect myself to do this night after night. I have to be comfortable doing a job to the best of my ability and not worrying what others think, especially myself. I’m to get the job done, not be a show off. If the employer doesn’t feel I meet their expectations in the future, I have to be comfortable that perhaps it’s just not the right job for me. But such a though doesn’t mean its okay to slack off. I still have to push myself.

I’ve also noticed when I get home I actually relax. Instead of jumping on the computer to get this and that done, I watch some early morning news – even though I’m really not paying attention. The old me use to get immediately on the computer to do this and that, then get so overwhelmed when I didn’t get what I wanted done. “Rome didn’t get build it a day”. “Does it have to be done right now? Does it have to be done by me? Does it have to be done at all?” No, no and no. In my head, I still think, “Oh my God, this, this, this, this and this, I can’t get it all done right now. NOT – failed each and every time. Usually I’ll fix my dinner after watching some boring news cycle, then take a shower and head to bed. Unwinding from the day is something I don’t think I really did in my past.

The program of Alcoholics Anonymous has given me so many tools to use to change my life, if I’m willing to use them. I can be stubborn sometimes. I screw up and fall back to old ways. I now have a better awareness of my destructive behaviors. I’m learning how to change them. That is progress not perfection.