Tag: smoking

No Butts

On By mikeykjrIn health, Personal, Smoke FreeLeave a comment

For many addicts we have one vice we have a hard time just letting go. For many in recovery it is smoking. As non-smokers can understand, you arrive or leave an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting only to be overwhelmed by all the smokers who tend to hang out at the front door. I was one of them. But I, just like alcohol, made a decision to stop for the rest of my life. It’s not easy saying goodbye to your best friend you’ve had for 37 years. But I can relate. It’s just like any other addiction. For me, it’s “One Day At a Time”.

To my surprise, the first day without a cigarette was relatively easy. Honestly, I had three strong cravings all day. The first walking to my first AA meeting of the day. The next after I ate dinner at night. Finally the last, when I was done with my day and heading off to bed.

I did not go cold turkey, as I immediately have put a NRT patch upon waking up. Based on my own experience of trying to stop smoking in my past, the patches helped me “stay stopped” successfully. The challenge right now is filling my hands with something to do when the cravings start.

As I shared at a meeting yesterday, I am applying the same principles of AA to quit smoking. While I’m looking for some positive reinforcement in my decision to do so, many dismiss me. Doing so just makes my determination stronger. An old timer, who’s been smoke free for many years now, pointed to the toothpick he always chews when at an AA meeting. I responded with, “I’ll try that…I’m being honest, open-minded and willing, just as I am in AA”

Just like when I quit alcohol, the first few hurdles are the physical craving and mental obsession. The cravings come when my body says, “Hey, we’re missing something here.” My body is expelling those toxic chemicals, just like alcohol, that in the end want to kill me. For those who quit cold turkey, I applaud you because without the NRT, I highly doubt I would have gotten through the first 24 hours. The mental obsession as we know from our addiction takes time. Dammit, I want it all to go away, NOW! **great laughter** . I’ve been down this road before haven’t I?

Right now, it’s all about Step 1 to Step 3. I know I’m powerless – if I smoke one, I’m off to the races again and I can’t stop. Step 2, I “believe in a Power greater than myself WILL restore me to sanity” – I trust this will happen, giving it time. Lastly, Step 3, I “turn my will and my life over to the the care of God (or Higher Power) as I understand Him”. I’m not alone, my Higher Power is there to help me, if I let Him.

I say this as another craving sets in because I’m about to walk to outpatient treatment. Typical routine – smoke a cigarette. But just writing those three Steps, the obsession is NOT there, the physical craving has already lessened and I’m not even out the door. I know the program works, I just have to trust the process.

Easter 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Personal2 Comments

Friday night, after a frustrating night at work, I got in my car and drove, safely but fast, home. I went to bed after watching a couple of episodes of Game of Thrones and now I feel refreshed. I’ve made plans with two friends. Lunch today with an old friend and Easter dinner with an old college friend.  Both of these individuals I haven’t seen in a long time.

There was a lesson I learned this week – accepting the consequences of my decisions. Last weekend, I didn’t go to work on a scheduled day calling in sick.  I wasn’t sick at all. Unfortunately, there are two people at work that spread negativity around work like wildfire and are very hard to work with. The day off was more of a mental health day. I knew if I reported to work, it wasn’t going to be good for me nor them, so I avoided the additional drama at the expense of being paid.

I’m going to suffer this week but I’ll manage. I made plans to stop smoking yet again with the help of Nicotine Replacement Therapy (the Nicotine patches). I have a few cigarettes left for today. I’ll finish them but make a commitment to myself and the Gods, this time is the last time. If includes a ritual of some sort for effect, then so be it.

Honestly, I think part of happiness for myself is finally getting rid of this other addiction. Obviously it’s causing unseen health problems (I can only pray I have none) but the monetary strain is getting enormous. Instead, I can take the money putting in a savings account for other useful things instead of killing myself slowly each day.

So those are my priorities this weekend. One, enjoy myself with the company of others whom I haven’t seen in a long time. Two, end an addiction that has plagued my life for decades once and for all. As with alcoholism, I’m going to apply the Steps, one by one starting later today.

 

Struggling w/ cravings

On By mikeykjrIn Personal2 Comments

Thus far, I have counted three cravings already this morning.  This is typical for anyone starting recovery.  It’s been my experience working with other addicts, as well as my own experience, typically day four and five can be the worst for cravings.  I know that “it will get better” as time passes.  Still, I’m struggling right now.

I delayed putting on my NRT or nicotine replacement therapy (AKA – the patch) this morning simply because I was lazy.  It was when the first urge hit me I suddenly reached over for the box and a pair of scissors.  But the urge was over by the time the patch was applied.

The trigger that is causing these cravings is my frustration with the WordPress.com site.  Typically when I become frustrated, upset and/or angry, I tend to smoke.  But in the few hours that I have been on this site, I’m starting to get the hang of things.  Thus, my anxiety(?) has decreased.

But just a few minutes ago, it was like my brain flipped a switch; it felt almost like an out-of-body experience.  I was suddenly in another place almost unable to control myself.  Literally,  I had to stop what I was doing, hold the desk and snap myself back into reality.  UGH.  My mind and body wanted to get up, put my shoes on, get in the store to get a pack of cigarettes.

Those are moments that I need to do something else.  I’ve been at this computer since 9 a.m.  I should have lifted some weights and be in the shower.  Guess I’ll have to skip weights today, hitting the shower now because the more I spend writing the less time I have before I have to leave for work.

 

 

Lifestyle Changes

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

Yesterday, the only urges I had to smoke were at home. During the drive and at work I didn’t think about it at all. But the struggle continues . . .

Right now, the first thing in the morning or during my morning routine, is the time when urges are the greatest. Like people say, “Find something else to do with your hands. Change things around. Do something different.”

A fitness program is something I would like to start for 2017. For now, I’m going to do some weight lifting, just right and left curls for now. I feel like there isn’t time to do anything after I wake up. I’m to respectful to my neighbors to do anything in the middle of the night when I get home. I have thought about a Planet Fitness membership. When I come home, I can simply pop in there for an hour or two a day. Then again, I’m moving.

Didn’t I say this is the year of NO EXCUSES. Okay, working on it. I’ll figure something out.

The latest issue is the hole in my exhaust on my car. It’s horrible. Right now I don’t have the money; I haven’t even forked over rent yet. I already slipped by two Tioga County Sheriffs yesterday on the way to work. With the holiday over, perhaps their presence (and that of NYS Troopers) will diminish. I know that its only a fix it ticket but I don’t need the trouble.

I still worry that the alternate side parking ticket that I fought with the City of Binghamton to get a court day is all screwed up. I haven’t received a court date so I don’t know if it’s been written off or I should continue waiting. That’s another issue that I don’t want to stir waters in.

Made first work rant entry private . . . Honestly, I need to make a decision to stay or leave. The gut tells me to leave respectfully, thus I should do it rather sooner than later. Still chewing on it.

Another issue that I struggle with is “not enough time”. For instance, in a 24 hour day, I work 8 hours, travel time is 3 hours, I sleep an average of 7 hours which is a total of 19 hours already gone. I can account for two hours after I get home and go to bed, three hours in the morning before I go to work. I just don’t have time to really accomplish anything. My next day off isn’t until Friday. The last couple of days, my body tells me that I didn’t get enough sleep. Last night I actually went to bed early. I felt like I went to sleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke up in a terrible mood, as if I hadn’t sleep at all. Since I get home at around 12:30 a.m., I try to go to bed sometime between 2 a.m. and 3 a.m. In the morning I typically wake up at 10 a.m. Okay, let’s just be honest with myself. This whole schedule things is really f**k’d up. I need to seriously consider this when thinking about staying at my job or not and/or moving now sooner than later.

I need to relieve some tension (life weights), take a shower and get ready for work . . .