This Too Shall Pass

How or where do I even star?. I’m thankful this week is over because it’s been a very rough week with my college courses and work. Sometimes I just want to cry. I feel like I’m falling apart about to fail at everything. There is so much going on it’s overwhelming.

First, work is a struggle each and every day – mentally, physically and spiritually. In January, I thought I was going to enjoy it. It was something entirely different than an office environment. What was required of me wasn’t demanding, so I thought. What I’ve come to find out is exactly the opposite.

Honestly, it is a complete shit show at work right now. I’m almost on the edge of just walking away. But I know doing so it a stupid decision and won’t solve anything. It doesn’t help Walmart has decided to change the management structure right before the holidays and during a pandemic. The overall feeling I get is no one cares about anything. People have become extremely lazy, unhelpful and are only looking out for themselves. Sometimes I feel like I work with the most unintelligent, lazy, disorganized, stupid morons on the planet. This is where I need to stop thinking such things. It doesn’t have anything to do with them – it’s all about me.

Looking at myself can be scary sometimes. But it needs to be done to see what and how I can change things. I’m full of doubt and fear.

Did I make the right decision to start school or even return? I don’t want to be working where I am all my life. It’s not a career; it’s a job I endure to pay the bills. After work each day I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I have no motivation nor can I concentrate on anything. I just want to go to bed. Then I wake up the next day and do it all over again.

This doesn’t leave much time to what’s required for my college courses. I barely had enough time this week to get all readings, discussions and assignments turned in. Then the doubt and fear creeps in I’m going to fail because I’m not doing the quality of work needed at this level in college.

With all my heart I want to succeed. I have to succeed. Obviously, I’m not happy working where I am and it’s not the time to find other employment. Besides, I should be grateful my employer is paying for me to go to college.

I called off work because I needed a break. It just so happens I have the next three days off because I have Monday and Tuesdays off. But why do I feel so guilty about calling in? My employer gives us ‘protected time off’ for whatever we choose to use it. It’s meant to be used on such occasions. Again, I should be grateful my employer offers such benefits.

Here comes the tears dammit…

Change of subject because all I’m doing is getting myself in what I call a ‘tizzy’. We’re having out first snow fall of the season. It’s a small accumulation. Just looking at it brings me joy. A change in the air.

Then I go back inside and I get depressed all over again.

I despise days like this but they happen. Since it’s Monday I might as well use this time productively and get a head start of my coursework for this week. Perhaps if I accomplish something it will brings my spirits up. Happiness in Your Life - thehiyL by Doe Zantamata - 3 pack This  too, Shall Pass Magnet: Kitchen & Dining

Bachelors in Computer Science – Software Engineering

For months now, there really hasn’t been a lot going on but the mundane life tasks – work, eating and sleeping. If you’ve read this blog long enough, you may know I have a passion for programming. Whether it’s web page design, gaming or other. After deeming my AAS in Computer Science Information Systems completely useless, my goal was to obtain my Bachelors. The time has come.

I am fortunate enough to have an employer who offers such a program. Have you heard of the College Degree for $1 per day at Walmart? At first I was hesitant believing it was “certifications” in various fields. However, after further research it is much more. For instance, I have enrolled in Southern New Hampshire University (SNHU). My cost is $30 per month with one requirement – staying employed at Walmart.

Unlike traditional semesters at a typical college, SNHU offers eight week terms. Such programs are not for everyone. You must have good organization and management skills. For instance, you have your “module”, a discussion, an assignment and a possible exam at the end of each week. The discussion is broken down into three individual tasks: your initial post and two follow-up posts to other students which all need to meet a certain criteria of an acceptable discussion post. This format is very familiar to me since it was used where I received my Associates in Computer Science at a local community college when “online study” was just in its infancy.

The plan this semester is three classes: FYE 101 – First Year Experience, MATH 136 – Intro to Quantitative Analysis and ENG 123 – English Composition II. All classes begin on October 26th.

Am I nervous? You’re only lying to yourself if you aren’t. It’s overwhelming at first. You have each class with a module, assignment and discussion. But I’ve learned you focus on one class, one task, complete it and move on to next class and task philosophy. (**scratches head** Hmm – where did I get that from?)

Early access to classes started today. I’ve synchronized both Outlook and Google calendars to ensure I don’t miss anything. Honestly, it’s a nifty feature. There is a lot going on and it’s easy to get sidetracked. If you miss something, you can’t go back; an automatic zero on the discussion, assignment or exam if you happen to miss something.

Part of me is excited and wants to do it NOW. I want to start NOW! But I have to remind myself, “Breathe. Rome wasn’t built in a day”. Classes don’t start until October 26th.

Facebook tends to remind me during this time of year of my first college experience. “Three assignments, three discussions with 9 responses required and an exam. And don’t forget about working on your final project? UGH!” – an old post. I’m thinking of printing it up and posting it on my computer. It makes me chuckle every time.

I am going to try to enjoy my two days off for the next two weeks. Afterward, it’s going to get ridiculously busy and lack of sleep is going to be an issue. Or is it? I’ve been reading The Void of Muirwood (Covenant of Muirwood #3) by Jeff Wheeler in which there is a line I love to remind myself:

It begins with a thought . . .