A Spiritual Awakening

Posted on FB:

OMG, I’m freaking out right now. I’m crying all over again. I was smoking a cigarette on my front porch when I noticed something staring at me in the corner of my eye. I buried Heart on the side of my property by the river (I have yet to erect a marker). My heart literally stopped, I stopped breathing. At the same place, there was a black and white cat, exactly the same markings as Heart, staring at me. I began to walk to that place and it went back in the bushes. I’ve never had something like that happen to me.

Most of you are not aware of my spiritual beliefs, but I am a pagan, Witch, Wiccan, whatever you choose to call me. It is my belief, right now, as we come closer to Samhain / Halloween, the veil between the Otherworld (the realm of our Ancestors / the deceased) and the living is thining, until Samhain when that veil is the thinnest.

The reason I post this is sobriety taught me to BELIEVE in my own beliefs. I BELIEVED I could become and stay sober (and ten years later I still am sober). BELIEVE in a Higher Power (no matter what you call it) which I have despite the vast differences my beliefs are with those of the program. BELIEVE that no matter what, things will get better. But you have to BELIEVE and put the work into it.

This is one of those “spiritual awakenings” (as it’s my belief you just don’t have one). Let me clarify, my FB post says, “I’ve never had something like this happen to me.” I’ve always had memories of my Ancestors but nothing like this. Some may call it a coincidence. Perhaps this cliche clears things up, “Things happen for a reason?”

A Few Things About Me

This morning I was reviewing new posts by those that I follow on WordPress. I especially like Just Ruminating (Rob).  He, like me, tends to write a lot about sobriety. So, let’s change it up.

A Few Things About Me

“Well, dear readers, today I thought I would just have a little fun and share ten facts about me. Just as a way of sharing a different side of things. My entire life is not about recovery, nor does it have to be.” – Rob.

NOTE:  I only did five because of reasons noted below . . .

So here you go:

1. I’m a computer geek at heart.

Since I was a young child, I have always loved computers. Systems such as the Commodore 64, Apple I and II, Atari 2600 game system were all introduced to the public during my youth. Then there was “The World Wide Web” or “The Internet” as we know it today. I remember protocols like Gopher, FTP, or browsers like Netscape (eventually Mozilla). Web page design was quite easy and everyone was doing it! The Apple and the IBM PC were the first computers I actually “programmed” using the BASIC programming language. I tinkered with computers until the ripe age of 40 when I actually got my degree. My first degree in college was an Associates of Applied Science in Computer Science Information Technology. Technology has jumped leaps and bounds since the beginning days of Microsoft and Apple. Today I have a had time keeping up withe my own network of six computers running with different projects running on them all at once. I love Free Open Source Software (FOSS), as it enables people like me to view the code behind the program and help build the current version by fixing problems. My current programming project is reviving an old project called Blue Smiley Organizer – Bookmark Manager.

2. Nature and My Spirituality

As disclosed previously, I am a Witch. Again, I don’t talk about it much because of the stigmas of modern society. During the 1980’S there was a revival in the practice of Witchcraft, many of us became Wiccans. During my youth I was always pulled to Nature (the ocean, mountains, sun, moon, stars, astrology, etc.) I was very opposed to mainstream religion (the dogma of them all). I always wondered who our ancestors, those before the mainstream religions, looked to for answers in their lives. I was intrigued with mythology but always had a hard time remember who was who. To me They were all the same (as They are). Over the years I have removed myself from the dogma of Wicca, now practicing Modern Traditional Witchcraft. I not an old hag, with a wort on my nose, a pointy hat and howling at the full moon casting hexes on people. Nor am I a Warlock (for other reasons). I am a normal human being, jeans t-shirt guy with a normal life who believes that there is more in the Universe than the dogmas of modern religions. Today, I use them as my Higher Power in sobriety, as I believe it was Their intervention that saved my life.

2. Dragons and Wolves

My ideal house would be decorated with Dragons on one side and Wolves on the other. There is just something with both species that intrigues me. Are Dragons just mythological creatures? Personally, as strange as it may seem to many, I believe they did exist at one time and now are found on another Plan of Existence. With that, I will end. Wolves, on the other hand, are just magical creatures in themselves. What draws me to them are their behaviors/personalities (I can’t think of the correct word). One minute they can be communal, hunting in packs, tending to their young, kind and gentle. On the other hand, they can be ferocious striking fear in their prey or to keep potential predators away. In the Native American culture, the wolf is considered a medicine being associated with courage, strength, loyalty, and success at hunting. There is a story about wolves I can share later.

3. I’m gay.

Those who know me tend to be surprised by this fact when deep down its quite obvious. At some point in my friendships they will ask, “Mike are you gay?”. For a very long time, I was ashamed of who I was but knew that I couldn’t change who I was – it was something biological, not a choice. I lived in an era when the stigma of the LGBT community reached a climax at the discovery of HIV/AIDS. I would say that stigma has diminished over the decades and I can only hope that it continues. I tend to keep this part of me private because do I ask my straight friends, “Hey, who are you sleeping with, man or woman?” We are all human, just biologically we have different sexual organs by we all experience the same emotions. So why can’t a man love another man, a woman love another woman? Save the argument, I’ve heard it all before.

4. I’m an avid reader

I tend to enjoy fictional literature more than non-fiction. Obviously anything with Dragons or wolves is an automatic read for me. For instance, The Loop by Nicholas Evans is one of my favorites. There are a couple series that I own for obvious reasons, like the Inheritance Cycle (Eragon, Eldest, Brisinger, etc. ) series. I love series like The Vampire Chronicles (Interview with a Vampire, The Vampire Lestat, Queen of the Damned, etc.), the Dune Novels by Frank Herbert, and The Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan. I try to keep all the books I read using Goodreads. Check out my Goodreads profile here.

5. Love – It’s Complicated

I had very few romantic relationships in my life for various reasons. Honestly, about five (Yes, 5!) total. Today, I’m involved in a relationship (I hope) with someone that I met a few years back. He’s serving a 3 to 7 year sentence for a petite larceny charge. It’s hard to describe the relationship because I’m not sure if what he is telling me is truthful. I won’t know until he gets released. I know, I know, I’ve heard it from everyone, especially my Sponsor (who also spent a majority of his life in prison) – he’s manipulating you. But I argue that there is a different side to him, when he is sober, that NO ONE knows but me. I’ve seen both sides; he’s completely different sober. However, I have to keep two things in mind. One, he is an addict and will always be an addict. Therefore, he may be manipulating me. Second, I could be infatuated (blinded by love) with him, thus I’m not thinking straight. Right now, prison walls separate us as he serves time four hours away in a Northern New York State prison. But I do talk to him on the phone on a regular basis. I don’t know – it’s complicated.

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With that I will end. Obviously, I can write and write and write for you to read until your blue in the face. Many times I think I write to much and it’s all unorganized, thus no one really reads it. Personally, I don’t care. Blogging is more for me, so I can get thoughts down and clear my mind.

A Look Inside

For the last few months, as mentioned in a couple of posts, I have not been happy with myself nor where I’m going in life.  At times like this, I tend to look towards my own spirituality.  Many moons ago, even before sobriety, I found something that I have believed in strongly but has a strong public stigma that rarely do I discuss it with others.

I am not a religious man.  Far from it.  I tend to not even discuss religious dogma with others because it always turns into an argument, so I just avoid such things “like the plague”.  However, I do respect all religions as we can learn something from each and every one of them.  My Path, as I simply call it, allows me free will to do things as I wish, however there are benefits and consequences for good or bad choices.

Okay, out with it – it’s called Witchcraft.  Yes, I am a Witch, Pagan, Heathen or whatever name you choose to label me because they are all basically the same. Just as with organized religions, we do and practice the same things just by different names and different ways. For now that is all I’ll say on the topic.

However, like a believer of organized religion, when life gets rough, I tend to look towards my spiritual beliefs for answers.  Through my own experiences, I know that I have the ability to change things, I just need a little help. However, that help involves dedication and practice.  The later, practice, is what is lacking in my life.

Year after year after year, I tell myself I’m going to become more dedicated in my spirituality.  I truly believe They intervened to guide me towards sobriety.  I strongly believe, on a daily basis (my Higher Powers), They help me with day to day struggles.  But many times I don’t feel my bond with Them is as strong as it should be.  Thus, I vowed to myself that in 2017, no matter what is going on in my life, I will make the time to dedicate and honor Them. For those not understanding my cryptic writing – there is a strong sense that I need to go back to church on a regular basis!

I’ve always been proud of who I am and my beliefs, thus the secrecy. This even ties in with the principles of AA, the Twelfth Tradition, “Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.”  I have always found that interesting.