Caution: Rant forthcoming . . .
If you don’t like people that whine – DO NOT read this post. On the other hand, if you’re a recovering addict, or would like to have a glimpse into my mind, by all means pull up a chair for a LONG READ. This is ME talking to MYSELF but posted for those that are interested.
I’m bitch, crabby, frustrated, angry and down-right pissed off at the world. But a DRINK(s) is not going to solve my problems. I will do my best with the tools of life that I’ve been given. Hopefully, if you do read this in its entirety, an example of how a recovering addict deals with life.
My previous career, working in the chemical dependency field as a Program Aide in a medically supervised detox center, abruptly came to end in March 2016. But I saw it coming and didn’t do anything about it. I was simply burned out and didn’t give a rat’s ass (I let my mouth run amuck), so I was terminated.
It turned out to be the best decision (for both parties), just the wrong way of doing it.
In September, after the recommendation of fellow nurses that I worked with, I was accepted into a Certified Nursing Assistant’s training program. At the beginning of November 2016, I passed the New York State exam and received my license. I promised myself no matter what happened I would not repeat the past. Oh, I try – every day.
Knowing I’m the lowest one on the totem pole I’ve accepted a few things. There is a terrible staffing problem on my shift (almost, if not all, the 3 – 11pm staff was quit or been terminated). From what I’ve learned, this is the norm. I worked Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Day 2016. Accepted, I’m new. The gossip among employees is just extreme as I’ve seen in other employers. I expected to get treated like crap by fellow co-workers. Yup, that happens. Management, umm…, let’s just not go there. Along with a whole list of other things.
Scheduling is madness. The last two weeks I’ve worked six days out of seven, each week. New Years, I volunteered – my bad. A old habit of feeling guilty for fellow employees. This week, I wasn’t even asked, just scheduled. I haven’t had a full weekend to myself since the Stone Age. Lastly, I won’t be able to take a vacation until after a full year of employment.
Lately, my mouth keeps opening instead of staying shut. But like many, “I just don’t care.” Honestly, (sorry for the cliché – “I would if I could, but I can’t . . .) leaving should be on my agenda but I’m just four months in a new career with a new employer. I enjoy my job and the residents. I am NOT going to let management, fellow employees or certain circumstances ruin it for me.
But I’m also not going to be quiet about it. I can’t and I won’t. There is no point to bring up issues to the “higher ups” because, honestly, they don’t care. Been there, done that, nothing’s been done. It reminds me of this saying, “doing something different, yet expecting the same results” – the definition of INSANITY.
So, it’s a very difficult time for me. No, I’m not going to drink. What is that going to solve? These issues are going to be there in the morning, the day after, many more moons after that. I remind myself of various slogans, “Let it Go”, “One Day at a Time”, the Serenity Prayer – 1000 times a day, “Let Go, Let God (or in my case, my Higher Power), as well as a host of others. But those aren’t the answer. Then the light bulb goes on . . .
You need a f**king meeting!! Honestly, I haven’t been to one in a couple of months. I know – I’m calling the kettle black. I preach all this sobriety knowledge and don’t follow my own advice. But here I’m going to throw EXCUSES. There are not many people that have long term sobriety in this community. Since working in the recovery community I know a lot of people, so meetings tend to be a waste of time. Another EXCUSE – the weather sucks. It’s sleet/rainy, the roads are slick, so I can’t travel out of time. I’ll figure something out even if its local. I need a meeting.
OK, I’m done. I guess I needed to get that out. Feel much better . . .
Now to find something to do (i.e. read a book, clean up clutter, etc.) to get my mind off this crap and get me in a good mood. Perhaps take a nap, then go to a meeting later tonight. I don’t know. I’m being a lazy SOB because I deserve to be today.