Memory Lane – Things Couldn’t Get Worse, Could They?

For those of you reading the “Memory Lane” series, one of my last journal entries in 2007 was Memory Lane – Hitting My Rock Bottom .  Things couldn’t get worse, could they? Oh but they did – a lot worse. These two days, November 30, 2007 and December 1, 2007, were the worst and the best days of my entire life.

Complete insanity took over between November 28, 2007 and November 30, 2007. Though I had written in my journal I had hit rock bottom, I had not. Could things get any worse? Oh yes, yes they did!

Where did my addiction take me?

home_spencer_routeWhile my memory is fuzzy (still after ten years of sobriety), I do remember one thing – the insanity of getting beer no matter what the cost. I was living in Spencer, NY, with no car, no job, about to get evicted and all I care about is getting more beer.

Since I was “cut off” from so-called “friends”/”neighbors”, I had to find my own way to the store to get more beer.  The only option was to walk to the local store, almost 3 and a half miles. I remember it took approximately an hour and a half to walk to Spencer. With my last two beers tucked in my jacket, off I went up the country road to the store. Three hours later, after purchasing a 12 pack, I had one or two beers left. Back to the store I went. This was the last couple of days for me. Walking back and forth to the store until either I was to drunk to walk or passed out at home. Then I ran out of money and beer.

Alcohol Withdrawal Symptoms

At the time I didn’t know the physical consequences from my drinking. Well actually I knew one – tremors. However, there are a host of other conditions that may present themselves during withdrawal. I experienced them all!

Before his death, I remember my father writing a check for me seeing his hand shake uncontrollably the writing was unreadable he tore the check writing another one. Over the years, I had noticed the same condition. When I wrote checks, I couldn’t recognize my own handwriting.  I developed a distaste for writing anything.

I distinctly remember not sleeping at all. There were so many emotions rapidly firing in my brain: anxiety, confusion, fatigue, fear, etc. This included hallucinations. My mother, when she was alive, was in a nursing home having hallucinations because the nurse had forgot to take off multiple nicotine patches. My sister and I recall her talking to a man in the corner who wasn’t there. I was doing the same thing saying to myself in fear, “You’re not there. Stop talking. Go away!” As the hours went on, the withdrawal symptoms got worse:

This is my last diary entry (I didn’t realize I wrote one until now):

December 1, 2007 @ 3:49 am. Mood: scared.

Title:  Mental Breakdown

This is the worst day of my life. I’m having a breakdown. I’m tying to wait until 8am so that I can call Gary to drive me to Binghamton General and use his phone so that I can talk to someone. This is so hard. Keep taking deep breaths!

The insanity continued with thoughts of something I had never contemplated in my life – suicide. I was convinced, I was alone in the world. There was no other option for me. As the first snow of the year had started to fall, I thought I could take myself in the backyard, slit my throat and just die! No one would find me from weeks, if ever. No one cared.

This was the darkest, deepest place in my life.

I had no hope.




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