Anxiety and Fear

Woke up around 4 a.m. and just sat in bed. Finally got up this morning around 5 a.m., made some coffee and started my daily routine. I have three major things on my mind: oral surgery on Friday, Penn State and CRPA. I found myself depressed yesterday and it showed.

I’m not embarrassed to say I have bad oral hygiene. Perhaps “it’s in the genes” because my mother had the same problem our obsession with coffee and alcohol. During the time I was sober for ten years, I visited the dentist, Wilson Dental, three times: initial exam, deep cleaning and to have small cavities filled. It was a horrible experience, so I didn’t return. Nor, after getting employment, was I offered a low cost dental plan. I need a lot of work done, so I’m taking the opportunity to get as much done as I can.

After seeing my new dentist, he referred me to Wilson Dental in a neighboring city to remove seven teeth. While I’m not happy with any other choice in the matter, I made the appointment for Friday. I know my insurance (Fidelis – Dentaquest), as with most insurances, does not cover sedation (general anesthetic). Who knows, they might have some new method which doesn’t require GA. My anxiety level is about a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. Despite this I’m going anyway and deal with the financial repercussions later.

After I accepted my admissions offer to Penn State, there were a few things to do before registering for classes. I had to complete a New Student Orientation, as well as a math placement test. The NSO was completed quickly. The math placement test I balked for two days. Despite my knowledge of geometry, calculus and statistics, I haven’t consistently used such methods in a long, long time. The placement test reflected this, so I have to start back at College Algebra. It will take me two years of math classes just to get to the level of math needed to start my degree.

I ended up creating a schedule of classes. Apparently my Associates didn’t cover some of the general education requirements either. After I enrolled, I checked the financial aide and my fears came true. Financial aid will only cover half of the total cost. I have to come up with another $6000. So I know I have to look for scholarships but part of me doesn’t even want to bother.

Which leads me back to the Certified Recovery Peer Advocate program (CRPA). There is an organization locally offering classes but again, I would need funding. Recovering addicts are given an education support option called Access VR. I have an appointment in July to start this process again. Many of us have bad experiences with the representative but at this point I don’t have any other options.

For now, I’ve tabled Penn State until the beginning of next week. I see my case manager today to discuss the CRPA program which my roommate has also been approved. Honestly I don’t particularly want to get back in this field but everyone is telling me I should and when completed, they would hire me immediately. So why not give it a try? Lastly, I heard from another Wilson Dental does “put you completed out” for major surgery, so it lessens my anxiety a little but not by much.

Alright – meeting time at the top of the hour. I really need to go and listen.

2 thoughts on “Anxiety and Fear

  1. Brother, take care of your fuckin’ teeth. Just suck it up and get the work done. Then re-evaluate college. Get into a trade (carpentry, electrical, plumbing or HVAC)… They pay YOU to learn and they can’t do your job with robots. Ever. I don’t regret getting into the trades one little bit. No debt and I make a shit-ton compared to most educated folk.


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