Hard Decision We Have to Make

Perhaps I’m just talking out of my arse but it’s something I need to do right now and see what’s I’m missing on paper (or computer screen). The last couple of weeks have been – exhausting. I’m at a point where I feel like I’m “stuck in the mud”, not progressing forward in life. As of late there have been a lot of barriers thrown in my way. Something needs to change.

Goals in sobriety are important for me not just milestones in my sobriety. One of my goals was to get my dental problems taken care of while I had the coverage and time. Second was to enroll in college to increase my chances of getting better job in a field I enjoy. Lastly, I wasn’t sure to either move in to my own place or with another person.

I have ten years experience working with a dental managed care plan in California. There are very few dentists who accept it. Those dentists that do only want to see you for routine procedures. If it’s something expensive, they refer you to someone else. Fine – I get it as it all comes down to money.

Since late June I’ve been trying to get seven teeth extracted, two which require an oral surgeon(OS). Thus, for convenience why not get them all done at once? Deep down, I knew that was going to be a problem with the insurance company but I went with it.

I’m still waiting because the in-house OS referred me to another OS (who can administer general anesthesia). That oral surgeon now has referred me to yet another Oral and Maxillary Surgeon because of some health concerns which need to be addressed in a “hospital setting”. Seriously? Right now I have a case manager from Fidelis taking care of it. At this point if it gets done at all it’ll be a bonus. Otherwise, I’ve taken it off my goals. I’m done – to much unneeded stress.

I was accepted to Penn State but due to cost I can’t afford it. I was accepted to Excelisior College in Albany, NY. Again, I was biased going in because I know the reviews are bad but the cost was affordable. I’ve spent the last three weeks trying to register for class. It’s this intensive, complicated procedure of bullshit. I guess you get what you pay for? Someone brought up perhaps I should wait a year since FASFA was based on last years income when I was working having a decent income versus now which I have none. So I’ve decided to wait until next year for school.

So this leaves me with getting a job and my own place. It’s scary. I’m on welfare getting a “personal needs allowance” of $150 a month. By the time I pay for my phone and internet, I don’t have shit left. So I’ve asked for help only to be turned away because I don’t have a mental health diagnosis. However, my Fidelis case manager stated her programs I do qualify for so I put the ball in her court. But time is of the essence. Once I get a job, I have 30 days to find a place and move out.

At one point I had thought about moving in with my other roommate. It would be nice to split costs and save money. But in the end I’ve decided it wouldn’t be the best choice.

Hopes and dreams crushed? Not really – just delayed. But part of me has been slightly depressed lately. I’ve been lazy, uninterested in most things, watching a lot of nonsense on Nexflix, “end of world” movies. Sounds ridiculous I know.

My living condition isn’t really ideal either. One roommate is gone most of the day. However, when he is home its in and out. Most of the time running his mouth about this and that. Asking me to do something for him despite telling him over and over, “No”. The other roommate (I was going to move in with) just sits in his room all day, goes to a meeting and wants to be loud and obnoxious all day long. So it’s headphones for me on high volume and when I really get annoyed I just go take a walk -even in pouring rain.

In the end, I can relate all this to restless, irritable and discontent. Perhaps even hungry, angry, lonely and tired (HALT). So I’m not in a good place. But I have been going to meetings and listening. Every meeting I hear the same message – patience and Let Go, Let God. My Sponsor knows where I’m at reminding me, “It’s only temporary”.

Sometimes I just need to remember to breathe.

2 thoughts on “Hard Decision We Have to Make

  1. I’m sorry to hear your going through a tough time. I thought the exact same when I began my dental treatment, I needed 4 extractions – one consultant said to have them all out at once including 2 fillings, but my dentist said I will have 1 out and see what I’m like (I was anxious and had a fear of dentists before I started my treatment). I’ve had to have 2 seperate sessions which I braved having 2 teeth out in each session. And I’m grateful for my dentist choosing the break between sessions because the pain and aching after each session was incredibly horrible!

    I really hope things start looking up for you.


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