As my new life begins, a new job and everything which goes along with it, I have periods of doubt (insecurity) and anxiety (fear). A new job is uncomfortable – new people, new rules, new responsibilities and many times just plain overwhelming. My arrested alcoholism wants to rattle its cage and try to escape – “We’ve been here before, you failed…” or the “what if’s” or “retail Michael, you’re better than this”. It all comes down to the fear of the unknown – a primal instinct in all of us when we get uncomfortable. I’ve learned through my journey of recovery its necessary to have a plan and stick to it, no matter what!
Yesterday was training day number one. Four hours later after listening to lingo, concepts, procedures and “how to do things” I left exhausted. My head was full of all this stuff I just didn’t understand. It was like the first couple of times I went to AA meetings. What the hell are all you guys and galls talking about? I can’t remember all this stuff in a day! I know this isn’t the case, I just have to relax. Those thoughts of, “Is this the right job? Am I going to be able to handle this?” all need to be squashed. Day one is behind me. On my way home, I was grateful for having a job in the first place. Suddenly all those thoughts causing fear and anxiety slowly went away.
If I use the “One Day At A Time” concept”, it makes a day simple. Seven or eights hours I’m sleeping. Due to my evening hours, I have to plan to attend evening meetings which typically start at 8pm. Waking up two hours before will be enough time to get my morning things done and get to the meeting. It takes one hour to walk back and forth to work. The shift is nine hours because of an hour lunch. Some quick math: 8 (sleep), 2 (morning), 1 (meeting), 2 (walking to/from work), 9 (work shift) = 22 hours. There are two hours I can use after work to decompress before I go to bed for my night. Seems I’m always on the go here or there. In reality, it’s a good thing.
I won’t lie to myself or others I still have a some fear left. Today, I choose not to let it balloon into something I can’t handle. I have confidence my Higher Power puts things in my path I can’t handle. Yes, I’m going to uncomfortable for a while but I will get through this – most importantly without a drink.