While I enjoy the peace and serenity my sobriety gives me, there are times I’m uncomfortable. I battle with the overwhelming feeling I’m alone in the world. Yet, I know I’m not. There are two things which bring me back to reality – my Higher Power and the fellowship.
As I sit here listening to music and playing my game on the computer, the walls started to close in. The room suddenly got dark and closed in all around me. For a few seconds I couldn’t shake it off and fear started to creep in saying to myself, “We’ve been here before.”
Indeed I have, on several occasions in the past. I worked as a Program Aide at a detox center and the other when I was a CNA. The difference between the two was I enjoyed one job, was going to meetings and was living sobriety. The other job, I had the complete opposite experience. I just had me, myself and I. Those three in the same room was disastrous which lead to me where I am today.
Part of this recent experience may be because of my complete lack of meetings because I was sick. But I was reminded at the meeting, people do miss me and care about me. I was asked by several about my recent changes in life and how I was handling them. A good reminder I’m not alone – ever.
In addition, I know there is a Higher Power in my life. But at times, it becomes such a daily routine, I forget It’s presence in my life. I truly believe without a belief in a Higher Power, I would not be here today. There are so many miracles in my life, things I couldn’t do on my own, there just is no other explanation. A belief in a Higher Power, an incomprehensible concept for a struggling addict, is something one can only experience once someone has a willingness to accept One does exist.
Shortly, it also goes a little deeper. It’s the lack of human contact at times. As human beings we tend to be social beings. While I would be able to call anyone at anytime if I had a alcoholic problem to talk about, what about those times I don’t? I thought at one time, I would be able to interact with people through playing my game. But since I switched to another game, there isn’t much of any interaction at this time despite people playing all over the world. I may have to revert back to my old game as its active playing membership is usually consistent at all hours of the day and night. But this isn’t a solution to the need to talk to someone right next to me.
Lastly, I have learned when I have things going on in my life with no one to talk to its always good to write them down. It gets them out of my system so they aren’t rolling around in my head. It helps to acknowledge and really “see” what’s going on, then simply letting it go.
Loneliness is sometimes a hard experience to get through at times. “But It Too Shall Pass!” Another reminder it’s only temporary if I let it. Meanwhile, don’t I have a new life to live? It’s time to live it.