In the last week I am slowly slipping into a period of slight depression. I have tried to reach out to others, yet no one is returning my calls; it’s as if I don’t exist. During this time at work I’ve realized no matter where I work I encounter the same problems; why can’t everyone get on the same page. I have a couple projects in mind but I’ve delayed them – I just don’t have any interest right now.
I realize people have lives most with families and young ones. It’s the summer so they’re busy. But I have this expectation, if I contact you at least give me a courtesy to call back. There are also those I run into while walking down the street. They keep walking. Lastly, when I do talk to someone it’s like I’m talking a foreign language and they see me as a dragon with three heads. That deer in headlight look and a need to immediately escape. I’m coping. I know I’m not that important. But it would be nice is people who I thought I considered friends would at the least return my calls.
Work can be stressful at times. Based on previous experience with employers I’m concentrating on focusing on the tasks at hand, doing it and leaving for the day. But getting hit with the same crap day after day adds to the stress. I can offer all the suggestions in the world but I’m taken aside with a final comment, “You know it won’t go anywhere. It is what it is.” Basically, deal with it. Isn’t it best for a company to have policies in which everyone is on the same page. At my job I can’t get one straight answer. It frustrates me when one person says to do this and another this, yet its the same task just different views of what should be done when policy says something completely different.
I’m at a point where I’m mentally, physically and spiritually tired each and every day. I attend meetings to uplift my spirits but again, I run into the same thing as if I speak a different language. At every meeting, after I speak on a topic, the room is silence for a good five minutes afterward.
At times I feel like I’m just existing, not enjoying sobriety as I should be. Even when I run into my Sponsor, who never returns my calls anymore, recently commented, “I don’t call back because there is nothing to discuss.” Perhaps my understanding of a Sponsor relationship is different thus I need to make a decision to change Sponsors.
Despite what I’m going through right now I hope this is a temporary situation. I’m not holding resentments; I’m trying to lower my expectations. Yet, sometimes in certain situations, doing so doesn’t make any sense at all to me. But I have faith things will change and when I look back I can say, “What was that all about?”