The next eight weeks of my life are going to interesting. I have three classes this ‘term’: English, Math and an introduction to ‘online learning’. The nerves are starting to fire off in rapid succession. I’ve been through this many times before. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and be confident in what I know I can do.
In my past college experiences I have excelled at learning whether physically on campus or in an online experience. No matter what subject was presented in front of me I developed the expected skills. So why am I nervous? Doubt. Fear of failure.
It all comes down to time management. Typically, I can develop a schedule and stick through it to the end. However, work right now is a little chaotic. With a recent change in management right when the holidays are approaching, in my opinion, is not a good work environment. The stress of getting things done is already mounting and it just going to get a lot worse in the future.
Fatigue will become a big issue, if I let it. While I am doing well at going to work, doing what I need done and leaving for the day, it doesn’t mean I’m not exhausted by the time I get home. For the last couple of weeks I have really done nothing constructive when I got home but went to bed early only to wake up and do it all over again.
This is when the doubt and fear of failure starts to rumble around in the dark recesses of my brain. First, I know I’m not alone. Most likely there are other students who are in the same position, juggling both a full time college schedule and working full time to pay the bills. I have to remind myself how ridiculous I am to think such things. There are parents in this world, raising families, working to support them and going to college to provide a better life for their family. Realistically, my life is no comparison to what they are going through each and every day!
In reality, just for this term, I have two basic classes. English composition and a high level math class. The third class is not graded course. Despite my lack of confidence right now, I’ve done exceedingly well in the past in these to types of subjects. So what the hell am I so worried about?
Simply, the nerves arise from the unknown and perhaps more of my own expectations. No one likes to fail, especially someone like me. I’ve had many failures in my life I had to overcome to bring me to the stage I stand on today. Therefore, I have a tendency to expect better of myself than just the standard. It’s college, not high school. I just have to pass the class. When I graduate, no one is going to look back and say, “Michael…what grade did you get in [such and such class]?” No one is going to care.
This is not all happening right now. Tomorrow I just see what is presented in front of me and do one thing at a time. The fear and doubt can go back in the depths of my brain from hence it came. I’m throwing away the key.