After leaving SNHU I became a little depressed; working at WM until retirement (another 15+ years) isn’t something I imagined nor is the ideal story ending of my life. However, it is what it is and I’m beginning to become comfortable with it. What now? My family life is non-existent, my social life is nil thus many times I feel very alone in the world. There is a constant need to fill the void with something; I just have to find a spark of joy in my life.
I’ve always been the black sheep of the family. No matter how much I try to reconnect with those of my family it’s as if I don’t exist. For instance, I received a text from my sister the other day, “Are you alive? I haven’t heard from you in a while?” I wasn’t happy. It took me a day or two to respond. I was civil though I wanted to lash out. I haven’t heard a response. I learn everything about the family usually online through FB even the death of family members (aunts and uncles). No one bothers to give me a call. I’ve called people back but no one returns my calls. Honestly, I’ve just given up; I’m no longer going to waste my time in an attempt to make things right or even stay in contact – it is a two-way street is it not?
All the so-called friends in AA and through the years I lived here, no one has called to say anything in many months. I have reached out to people, a lot of people at times but no one returns my calls. I quit contacting my Sponsor long ago because he admitted he doesn’t return my calls because “I know you’ll work through it”. That stung. Some of my other friends have moved away, relapsed themselves, or I’ve just lost contact. The only person I still see, who I also use to live with happens to work at the same place I do, so we just casually say, “Hi” in passing.
There are times when I’m walking to work at 9pm it’s peaceful and serene. Most of the time I enjoy working graveyard, overnights. Whatever you want to call the 10pm to 7am shift. People say, “Aren’t you scared walking down the dark roads at night?” You just get used to the route. There is some active wildlife at certain times of the year, so I’m always scanning what’s ahead of me. Be it skunks (which I can usually see and smell quite well in advance) or the occasional family of deer (crossing the road or sitting in the middle of the field scaring the crap out of me when they turn their heads and their eyes glow). I’ve seen a beaver or two oddly enough. Groundhogs are quite common too.
Then I get home, I’m alone. Do I watch TV, do I play a game – which one? After a while, I get bored of the routine. I have choices of projects but I just can’t seem to stick with one for long. Besides, I have only four hours after I get home from work before I have to head to bed. I only have an hour before I hit the road when I leave in [my] morning. My weekends (Monday and Tuesday) can really get depressing. Can’t go anywhere. Besides, there isn’t anything really to do around here within walking distance. I just try to keep myself busy with this or that until Wednesday morning comes and it’s back to the same routine.
Some weekends I enjoy the time by myself while others not so much. But there is this void in my life I wish I could fill with something enjoyable. At one point I thought about visiting the cat adoption center I use to volunteer. Yes, I thought about buying a furry friend. Unfortunately, I tried calling the number but it is disconnected. I tried to find it online but couldn’t.
Today I have a plan – watch the funeral of Prince Phillip at 9:30 EST. I have always enjoyed the royal family. Diana was a tragedy and I remember exactly when, where and what I was doing when I heard about the crash. All the drama of the royals past and present. Prince William and Prince Harry growing up, marriage and kids. I’m also a fan of Downton Abbey (watched all seasons), The Crown (again, watched all seasons) and I’m currently watching the Great British Baking Show (not related to the royals). The royal family is just something interesting to me, not sure why. So today, we say goodbye to Prince Phillip.
I don’t know. I guess I’m just rambling. I haven’t done it in a while. Sadly, now I have a funeral to attend.