Through my own experiences, I can only change myself and my perception of everything around me. I have no control of what people do, say, think or feel in any given situation at any time. However, I do have control of how I interact with those around me.

When I left my employer in March 2022, I was confident I made the right decision. I was starting to travel down a very dark road. When I tried to look for answers, I found nothing. Finally I had to ask myself, “How did I get here?” The time I took off gave me the opportunity to look deep down inside myself to find those answers.

For the first few weeks it was hard for me. I was physically, mentally and emotionally tired. Days went by where I was simply in a thick fog. Some days I struggled to do anything at all. It took the greatest effort just to get out of bed. However, I knew if I gave it time things would be okay in the end.

At the beginning of May, I decided to give it another chance with my employer. I knew exactly what to expect. This time I knew I had to make changes. Instead of acting like a child who didn’t get the things I wanted, I had to become a responsible adult.

It’s been two days since I’ve returned. Nothing has changed. Nothing will change except me. If it takes me to build a wall to protect myself from the selfishness of others that is what I must do. If I have to act like a robot with my head down and keep my mouth shut than that is what I’m going to do. Am I being selfish in doing so? Yes because I’m not going to allow others to ruin the peaceful, serene, enjoyment I have in life.

For instance, I was told I need to work faster on my first day back. Apparently, there is no excuse since I know what to do and I can do it well. On the other hand, my body is telling me something completely different. Do they care? Nope. Did I complain? Nope. Though I was aching from head to toe by the time I got home, I got what was expected of me done and went home for the day.

Even after a day off, I went back to work still sore from the first day. I had two pallets to take care of to start. That suddenly grew to five by lunch. Instead of people taking care of their own pallets, they left them for me because ‘it’s in your aisle’. (**screeching breaks in my head** That is now how things are suppose to work. Wall up, head down, mouth shut.) Supervisors come through just shaking their heads. While it took some unexpected time, I got it all done. At the end of the night, a supervisor comes by thanking me for my efforts and the ‘issues will be addressed in the morning’. Surprisingly I didn’t even say anything. Will anything change? I highly doubt it. I’m not going to waste my time trying to convince people to do their jobs or attempting to convince those above things need to change. It’s a double edged sword for me, screwed if I do and screwed if I don’t. Oh well.

It makes me sad the work environment has become what it is today. Nobody cares about anyone else by themselves. Teamwork doesn’t exist. Silence is favored over communication. Selfishness reigns supreme.

I guess I work simply for the paycheck but at least I’m not miserable.