Author: mikeykjr

This blog reflects the thoughts and feelings of a gay, alcoholic/addict. Sobriety, for me, is the #1 priority in life. I wouldn't be here today without the dedication to my own sobriety. I hope through this site, I can help others battling with an addiction, struggling with recovery or those looking for a better understanding of an addict and what we go through in life. I tend to write long, rambling posts, so grab some coffee, get comfortable and enjoy yourself. Also, subscribe/follow!

DR – March 6, 2018

On March 6, 2018March 6, 2018 By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
March 6, 2018

Daily Reflection

THE IDEA OF FAITH

Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they mean to you.

— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 47

The idea of faith is a very large chunk to swallow when fear, doubt and anger abound in and around me. Sometimes just the idea of doing something different, something I am not accustomed to doing, can eventually become an act of faith if I do it regularly, and do it without debating whether it’s the right thing to do. When a bad day comes along and everything is going wrong, a meeting or a talk with another drunk often distracts me just enough to persuade me that everything is not quite as impossible, as overwhelming as I had thought. In the same way, going to a meeting or talking to a fellow alcoholic are acts of faith; I believe I’m arresting my disease. These are ways I slowly move toward faith in a Higher Power.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“It may seem incredible that these men are to become happy, respected, and useful once more. How can they rise out of such misery, bad repute and hopelessness? The practical answer is that since these things have happened among us, they can happen with you. Should you wish them above all else, and be willing to make use of our experience, we are sure they will come.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, A Vision For You, pg. 153~

Keep It Simple

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.-–William Allen White

Big changes are happening to us, but we can trust that changes will bring good things. After all, what have we got to lose? We have lived through the days and years of our addiction. Now, with the help of our Higher Power, the pain of those days has ended. We have no reason to worry.

Yet, recovery won’t make our lives perfect. Hard things still happened. But we never have to lose hope again. We never have to feel alone with our problems. What will come next? We don’t know the details, but we can be sure the future will be good if we stay on our path of recovery.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, I know life holds many new things for me. Help me and protect me as I live in Your care today.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll trust that each day of my life will bring me good. I will share this idea with one friend.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You might feel the need to take a vacation from all your recent internal processing. You are quite familiar with your own emotional idiosyncrasies, but sometimes they can be exhausting anyhow. Happily, there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel. You may not be there yet, but resolution seems inevitable; you only have to keep putting one foot ahead of the other. Resist the urge to retreat out of fear. Abraham Lincoln said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

Two Weeks Sober

On March 5, 2018 By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

When I was ten years sober, days flew by without a thought. Again, only two weeks sober, I can’t believe only ONE thought of drinking crossed my mind. As with my past, I made a committment to myself to stay sober at whatever cost. But as life throws fast balls, curve balls and the such, at times it can be difficult. Yet, if I use the tools of the AA program, I will see the light at the end of the tunnel in dark times like now.

Back in February when I quit my job, I knew I would have financial difficulties. Then the bomb dropped after making a bad decision. So here I am. While it doesn’t have me down the anxiety I feel can be overwhelming at times, almost stopping me in my feet.

Perhaps its not anxiety at all but fear? Fear I won’t be able to keep the promise to the landlord. While I should be able to meet my financial obligations, I have other financial obligations which can’t be ignored. I just don’t know how I’m going to do it all. I trust my Higher Power will take care of me. For now that is all I got.

I know damn well I need to get to meetings. I don’t like excuses but I’m babying the use of my car at present. It’s the middle of Winter. I have bald tires on the front (and its front wheel drive), an alignment needs to be done, oil change and it appears I may have broken a weld which was a short fix to a muffler problem. But I keep trying to remind myself – I can get through this.

For my first weekend off I pretty much stayed at home. With the Winter storm that came through, there was no immediate need to go anywhere. So I ended up binging on Blood Bloods on Netflix. I also got back into playing an old MUD (Multi-player User Dungoen) text-character based game which doesn’t cost money, for now. Between the two my two days went by quickly. I’m glad because I rather work to keep myself busy so I don’t worry about my personal life for now.

I do have faith I will get through this but the selfish part of me wants all said and done to be NOW. Yet, the sober part of me knows better than travel down that path.

DR – March 5, 2018

On March 5, 2018 By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings3 Comments

Daily Recovery Readings
March 5, 2018

Daily Reflection

A LIFELONG TASK

“But just how, in these circumstances, does a fellow ‘take it easy?’ That’s what I want to know.”

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 26

I was never known for my patience. How many times have I asked, “Why should I wait, when I can have it all right now?” Indeed, when I was first presented the Twelve Steps, I was like the proverbial “kid in a candy store.” I couldn’t wait to get to Step Twelve; it was surely just a few months’ work, or so I thought! I realize now that living the Twelve Steps of A.A. is a lifelong undertaking.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“How dark it is before the dawn! In reality that was the beginning of my last debauch. I was soon to be catapulted into what I like to call the fourth dimension of existence. I was to know happiness, peace, and usefulness, in a way of life that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes.”

Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Bill’s Story, pg. 8

Keep It Simple

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
—William Allen White

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, I know life holds many new things for me. Help me and protect me as I live in Your care today.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll trust that each day of my life will bring me good. I will share this idea with one friend.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

There is no question about your motives today. You know what you want and have a plan to get it. However, others may find you so opaque they haven’t a clue as to what you’re doing or why you’re doing it. Although you prefer support from the beginning, it might make more sense now to just go ahead on your own and bring everyone else up to speed in a day or two. Becoming entangled in explanatory conversations will only sap your limited energy away from what needs to be done first. There’s time for everything if you proceed with tasks in the proper order.

DR – March 4, 2018

On March 4, 2018 By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
March 4, 2018

Daily Reflection

WEEDING THE GARDEN

The essence of all growth is a willingness to make a change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails.

— AS BILL SEES IT, p. 115

By the time I had reached Step Three I had been freed of my dependence on alcohol, but bitter experience has shown me that continuous sobriety requires continuous effort. Every now and then I pause to take a good look at my progress. More and more of my garden is weeded each time I look, but each time I also find new weeds sprouting where I thought I had made my final pass with the blade. As I head back to get the newly sprouted weed (it’s easier when they are young), I take a moment to admire how lush the growing vegetables and flowers are, and my labors are rewarded. My sobriety grows and bears fruit.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“Most of us feel we need look no further for Utopia. We have it with us right here and now.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Bill’s Story, pg. 16~

Keep It Simple

Better bend than break.——-Scottish proverb

Our program is based on bending. We call it “surrender.” We surrender our self-will to the care of God. We do what we believe our Higher Power want us to do. We learn this as an act of love.

Many of us believed surrender was a sign of weakness. We tried to control everything. But we change as we’re in the program longer and longer. We learn to bend. We start to see that what is important is learning. We learn to do what’s best for us and others. To learn, we need an open mind. To bend, we must stay open. Love and care become the center of our lives.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, teach me that strength comes from knowing how and when to bend.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll check myself. How open am I? Do I bend when I need to?

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Your spiritual practice can take you on a journey to the far reaches of the universe today. Wherever you find religion — in meditation, nature, yoga, or church — the results are the same. You are seeking the magical feeling you experience when you and the cosmos are one, and you might just get a glimpse of that metaphysical truth now. But even if you fall short of your expectations, it’s the quest and not the destination that enhances your life. Theologian Matthew Fox wrote, “It doesn’t matter where you dig the well; you will still reach the same water.”

DR – March 3, 2018

On March 3, 2018 By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings2 Comments

Daily Recovery Readings
March 3, 2018

Daily Reflection

OVERCOMING SELF-WILL

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us!

— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 62

For so many years my life revolved solely around myself. I was consumed with self in all forms—self-centeredness, self-pity, self-seeking, all of which stemmed from pride. Today I have been given the gift, through the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, of practicing the Steps and Traditions in my daily life, of my group and sponsor, and the capacity—if I so choose—to put my pride aside in all situations which arise in my life. Until I could honestly look at myself and see that I was the problem in many situations and react appropriately inside and out; until I could discard my expectations and understand that my serenity was directly proportional to them, I could not experience serenity and sound sobriety.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“For the type of alcoholic who is able and willing get well, little charity, in the ordinary sense of the word, is need or wanted. The men who cry for money and shelter before conquering alcohol, are on the wrong track.”

Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Working With Others, pg. 97

Keep It Simple

But the alcoholic . . . will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge.

~Alcoholics Anonymous

Our program says three things are more important than knowing ourselves: (1) admitting we have no control over our addiction, (2) believing in a Higher Power, and (3) turning our lives over to the care of that Higher Power. knowing ourselves makes our lives better in recovery. But it does not give us sobriety. Sobriety starts with surrender to our Higher Power. We now know we need faith and strength we get from a Higher Power. We also need the support of others in our program.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, thanks you for my sobriety today. Teach me what I need to know about myself to do Your will today.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll talk with my sponsor about the change in my spirit that keeps me sober.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

While you dream of other times and places, you’re happiest in the emotionally familiar surroundings of your home and family. Although there may be no other place you wish to be now, you can sense a subtle uneasiness that lurks just out of sight. You don’t know whether it’s wiser to let the strange feelings simmer or to go searching in the shadows for the missing pieces to the puzzle of reality. Unfortunately, too much looking only blinds you from the truth. Novelist Elizabeth Bowen wrote, “No object is mysterious. The mystery is your eye.”

DR – March 2, 2018

On March 2, 2018 By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
March 2, 2018

Daily Reflection

HOPE

Do not be discouraged.

— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 60

Few experiences are of less value to me than fast sobriety. Too many times discouragement has been the bonus for unrealistic expectations, not to mention self-pity or fatigue from my wanting to change the world by the weekend. Discouragement is a warning signal that I may have wandered across the God line. The secret of fulfilling my potential is in acknowledging my limitations and believing that time is a gift, not a threat.

Hope is the key that unlocks the door of discouragement. The program promises me that if I do not pick up the first drink today, I will always have hope. Having come to believe that I keep what I share, every time I encourage, I receive courage. It is with others that, with the grace of God and the Fellowship of A.A., I trudge the road of happy destiny. May I always remember that the power within me is far greater than any fear before me. May I always have patience, for I am on the right road.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“The age of miracles is still with us. Our own recovery proves that!”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, A Vision For You, pg. 153~

Keep It Simple

Love conquers all; let us surrender to love.—Virgil

In Step Three, we turn our lives over to God’s care, God love. If we turn our lives over to a loving God, we can conquer all. If you need proof, look around at your next meeting. The room will be full of people who know that love conquers addiction. Like them, we’ve surrendered to love. Once we’ve done this, we can’t use again. For us, using alcohol or others drugs is an act of hate, not love. To Face the hard things in life, we’ll need a lot of love. We’ll find love in our Higher Power, groups, and friends .We’re all working at turning our lives over to love.

Prayer for the Day: There was a time that love scared me. It still does, at times. Higher Power, help me see that You are love, and I must follow where love takes me.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Professing your optimism can be motivating to others, but your positivity also concentrates your energy and improves the quality of your life. Your current idealism is the perfect remedy for the detail-oriented Virgo Moon’s presence in your 3rd House of Data. Rather than being buried under piles of incoming information today, aim your thoughts at the distant horizon and dream about the future as you wish it to be. Socrates advised, “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”

A Fleeting Thought . . .

On March 1, 2018 By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings, Personal

After working four days, Thursday through Sunday, it was nice to get a day off from work. After adopting an attitutde of “no expectations” when I walk into work has helped, thus far. Everyone does things different, everyday and though my bones want every part to control it, I simply can’t.

I went back to work on Tuesday working through Friday, as this will be my first weekend off. There is an impending snow storm, which turned from “watch” to “warning” overnight. Snowfall details are still sketchy. Last I looked they forecast less than an inch to up to 10 inches in some places. This all starts this evening into tomorrow. Obviously, I was hoping it would hit this weekend.

While the enviornment at work is different, it many ways it is not. Last night I had to hold my tongue. One resident reported to another CNA I was rude. Another resident had a wound I didn’t report to the nurse. Lastly, the attitude of my co-workers doesn’t help the situation at all.

So with all that said, there was a time on break last night where I thought about drinking. It’s been eleven days since my last drink. No thoughts, cravings or evening a wandering thought. However, last night while on break, with everything going on I had a fleeting thought.

It just lasted a couple of minutes. Then I remembered the taste of Budwiser (which I can’t stand anymore) and the way I felt afterward. I just can’t and won’t go down that road. I’m already in a pit I’m trying to dig myself out, mostly financial. I have unresolved issues I have to deal with later but just right now. Right now my concentration is not to pick up the drink. What I am going through is simply temporary, if I take it “One Day at a Time”.

I slept good last night despite the last week which was helpful. This morning I feel refreshed to take whatever comes to me, especially at work. However, I’m not going to let things get out of control. Simplicity – that is my goal for today.

DR – March 1, 2018

On March 1, 2018 By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
March 1, 2018

Daily Reflection

IT WORKS

It works—it really does. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 88

When I got sober I initially had faith only in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Desperation and fear kept me sober (and maybe a caring and/or tough sponsor helped!). Faith in a Higher Power came much later. This faith came slowly at first, after I began listening to others share at meetings about their experiences—experiences that I had never faced sober, but that they were facing with strength from a Higher Power. Out of their sharing came hope that I too would—and could—”get” a Higher Power. In time, I learned that a Higher Power—a faith that works under all conditions—is possible. Today this faith, plus the honesty, openmindedness and willingness to work the Steps of the program, gives me the serenity that I seek. It works—it really does.

Big Book Quote

“Having made our personal inventory, what shall we do about it? We have been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship with our Creator, and to discover the obstacles in our path. We have admitted certain defects; we have ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is; we have put our finger on the weak items in our personal inventory. Now these are about to be cast out. This requires action on our part, which, when completed, will mean that we have admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our defects. This brings us to the Fifth Step in the program of recovery mentioned in the preceding chapter.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Into Action, pg. 72~

Keep It Simple

Made the decision to turn our will and lives over to God as we understand Him
.–Step Three

Care. This is what turn our will and lives over to care of our Higher Power. What peace follows! We see our God as caring, as loving. We turn everything over to this Higher Power, who can take better care of us than we can by ourselves. Care can guide us. If we want to do something, we can ask ourselves, “Would my Higher Power see this as an act of care?” If the answer is yes, then we go ahead. If the answer is no, we don’t it. If we can’t be sure, we wait and talk it over with our friends and sponsor. We wait until we know whether it would be an act of care or not. What wonderful guidance!

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, I give to You my will. I give to you my life. I gladly jump into Your loving arms.

Action for the day:
Today, I’ll care about others. I’ll find as many as I can to care for others.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Big ideas come tumbling down-to-earth today as you start to turn your visions into tangible results. The pragmatic Virgo Full Moon validates your 3rd House of Information, reminding you of the importance of organizing your thoughts and communicating them as precisely as you can. But your attention continues to bounce between the exhilaration of unrestrained epiphanies and the monotony of life’s necessary little details. Consciously address the most fundamental matters while maintaining an active mental link to your intuition.

DR – February 28, 2018

On February 28, 2018 By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
February 28, 2018

Daily Reflection

WHAT? NO PRESIDENT?

“When told that our Society has no president having authority to govern it, no treasurer who can compel the payment of any dues, . . . our friends gasp and exclaim, “This simply can’t be. . . .”

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 132

When I finally made my way to A.A., I could not believe that there was no treasurer to “compel the payment of dues.” I could not imagine an organization that didn’t require monetary contributions in return for a service. It was my first and, thus far, only experience with getting “something for nothing.” Because I did not feel used or conned by those in A.A., I was able to approach the program free from bias and with an open mind. They wanted nothing from me. What could I lose? I thank God for the wisdom of the early founders who knew so well the alcoholic’s disdain for being manipulated.

Big Book Quote

“When people presented us with spiritual approaches, how frequently did we all say, “I wish I had what that man has. Im sure it would work if I could only believe as he believes. But I cannot accept as surely true the many articles of faith which are so plain to him.” So it was comforting to learn that we could commence at a simpler level.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, We Agnostics, pg. 47~

Keep It Simple

Leave yourself alone.—Jenny Janacek

We often pick on ourselves. We put ourselves down. But doing this isn’t part of our recovery.

In fact, it goes against our program. Our program is based on loving care. We have turned our lives over to a caring, loving Higher Power who will give us the answers. We are told Easy Does It. We back off. As recovering addicts, we learn not to judge. Instead, we learn to be kind to ourselves. Our job is not to figure out the world, butt to add more love to it. Let’s start with ourselves.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, stop me from judging. Help me know what You want to do. Help me work the Steps Two and Three.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll leave myself alone. I will remember that picking on myself is another from of control.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Your current self-confidence motivates you to take chances and say things you might normally keep to yourself. Although you may have an excessive amount of good information at your disposal, you could struggle as you try to tie it all together into a coherent theory. Stick with your most creative ideas now, for they are the ones that carry the greatest potential. Novelist Cathy Hopkins wrote, “Don’t wait for your ship to come in, swim out to it.”

DR – February 27, 2018

On February 27, 2018February 27, 2018 By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
February 27, 2018

Daily Reflection

A UNIQUE STABILITY

Where does A.A. get its direction? . . . These practical folk then read Tradition Two, and learn that the sole authority in A.A. is a loving God as He may express Himself in the group conscience. . . . The elder statesman is the one who sees the wisdom of the group’s decision, who holds no resentment over his reduced status, whose judgment, fortified by considerable experience, is sound, and who is willing to sit quietly on the sidelines patiently awaiting developments.

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, pp. 132, 135

Into the fabric of recovery from alcoholism are woven the Twelve Steps and the Twelve Traditions. As my recovery progressed, I realized that the new mantle was tailor-made for me. The elders of the group gently offered suggestions when change seemed impossible. Everyone’s shared experiences became the substance for treasured friendships. I know that the Fellowship is ready and equipped to aid each suffering alcoholic at all crossroads in life. In a world beset by many problems, I find this assurance a unique stability. I cherish the gift of sobriety. I offer God my gratitude for the strength I receive in a Fellowship that truly exists for the good of all members.

Big Book Quote

“In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him. If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning. That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, pg. 70~

Keep It Simple

Without work all life goes rotten.—Albert Camus

Work is more than earning money. Work means using our time and skills to make life better for those around us. Our work can be our hobbies. Growing food or growing flowers can be our work.
Raising children or caring for older people who need help can be our work. Building homes or helping people live in them can be our work. Thanks to our program of recovery, we can do our best work again. What a change from the drugged-up and hung over days when we didn’t do anything well. We are sober, and we have something to offer.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me see that work makes me part of the human family. Help me do Your will in my work today.

Action for the Day:
Good work teaches us good habits. How do the things I’ve learned in my work help me in my recovery program? I’ll list five ways.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You’re concerned with making an immediate impact on your earnings or your potential to generate cash. Although you can do all the right things to put yourself in line for a promotion or to develop new income streams, your goals may be a bit narrow. Understandably, financial security is the underpinning of a stable life, but extra money will not buy you health or happiness. Denis Waitley wrote, “Personal satisfaction is the most important ingredient of success.”