Author: mikeykjr

This blog reflects the thoughts and feelings of a gay, alcoholic/addict. Sobriety, for me, is the #1 priority in life. I wouldn't be here today without the dedication to my own sobriety. I hope through this site, I can help others battling with an addiction, struggling with recovery or those looking for a better understanding of an addict and what we go through in life. I tend to write long, rambling posts, so grab some coffee, get comfortable and enjoy yourself. Also, subscribe/follow!

DR – February 26, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
February 26, 2018

Daily Reflection

NO ORDINARY SUCCESS STORY

A.A. is no success story in the ordinary sense of the word. It is a story of suffering transmuted, under grace, into spiritual progress.

— AS BILL SEES IT, p. 35

Upon entering A.A. I listened to others talk about the reality of their drinking: loneliness, terror and pain. As I listened further, I soon heard a description of a very different kind—the reality of sobriety. It is a reality of freedom and happiness, of purpose and direction, and of serenity and peace with God, ourselves and others. By attending meetings I am reintroduced to that reality, over and over. I see it in the eyes and hear it in the voices of those around me. By working the program I find the direction and strength with which to make it mine. The joy of A.A. is that this new reality is available to me.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“On the other hand, and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand, once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, The Doctors Opinion, pg. xxix~

Keep It Simple

Forewarned. forearmed: being prepared is half the victory.—Miguel de Cervantes

Ther will be hard times in our program. There will be hard times in our lives. That’s the way the life is. It helps if we accept this. Then we can prepare for tough times. We can prepare by getting a good set of habits and sticking to them. We can make it a habit to give time to our program each day. Sticking to good habits is like having a savings account: when hard times come, we can take the “investment” we’ve made and overcome our problems.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me accept that there will be hard times. Help me prepare for them. With Your help, I’ll stay close to You, my friends, and the program.

Action for the Day:
I’ll put something into my program “savings account” today. I’ll make that extra call. I’ll read a little longer or go to an extra meeting.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You may dance around the fine line between nurturing someone and smothering them with your worries. The Moon’s current visit to caring Cancer amplifies your desire to protect others as if they were your children. But taking people under your wing can turn manipulative if you exert too much control today, leading to unnecessary power struggles. Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, “Love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

DR – February 25, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings for February 25, 2018:

Daily Reflection

THE CHALLENGE OF FAILURE

In God’s economy, nothing is wasted. Through failure, we learn a lesson in humility which is probably needed, painful though it is.

— AS BILL SEES IT, p. 31

How thankful I am today, to know that all my past failures were necessary for me to be where I am now. Through much pain came experience and, in suffering, I became obedient. When I sought God, as I understand Him, He shared His treasured gifts. Through experience and obedience, growth started, followed by gratitude. Yes, then came peace of mind—living in and sharing sobriety.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle of the road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives. One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, There Is A Solution, pg. 25~

Keep It Simple

Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.-–Willaim James

Step Two speaks of believing. For many years, we had given up believing in ourselves, in a Higher Power, and in others. We believed in getting high. Now our program tells us to believe in love. We are lovable, and we can love others without hurting them. Of course, believing is an important part of recovery.

To believe means to put aside our doubts. To believe means to have hope. Believing makes the road a little smoother. So, believing lets the healing happen a little faster. All of this is how we get ready to let in the care of our Higher Power.

Prayer for the Day:
I pray for the courage to believe. I’ll not let doubt into my heart. I can recover. I can give myself totally to this simple program.

Action for the Day:
I’ll list four times doubt got in my way. And I’ll think of what I can do to not let that happen again.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

There are time-sensitive items on your to-do list, but you’re not very motivated to take your chores seriously today. You might prefer to daydream of future adventures or, perhaps, watch a movie about someone’s epic journey. But your imagination only takes you so far; you will soon start to grow bored and seek experiences that are real instead of just imagined. There’s no need to wait until your anxiety builds to an intolerable level. Start small by meeting your obligations first, and then you can cultivate your bigger ideas until you’re ready for that trip around the world.

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tags
#daily readings, #sober, #sobriety, #sober living, #recovery

Getting Back in the Norm

On By mikeykjrIn Personal2 Comments

As I look back at the last week of my new sobriety, I can honestly say not once did I think about drinking. It hasn’t crossed my mind in a single thought, craving or dream. An old friend I use to work with in recovery told me, “…it was just a hiccup. It sounds like you have a solid plan, just don’t deviate from it.” However, I can’t say life is like hot apple pie and ice cream.

The environment at work is completely different from what I’m use to in the past. This facility has many more residents (60) on my floor alone. I’m learning already, as with all facilities, there are staffing issues, personality conflicts, shift conflicts, etc. But as I begin to learn their policies, procedures, methods and routines, I’m also taking the higher road to ignore it all.

It’s actually a more laid back environment. While there is a mix of residents due to construction at the facility, many of the residents are independent long term residents. There is no rush to get people up and ready for the day. Despite what each shift says about each other, teamwork actually exists here. It’s not always smooth sailing but the insanity I went through in the past is almost non-existent. For now, though I’m sure it will change in time, I’m relaxed and comfortable.

At home is another story. As the income just trickles in, the fear sets in. While I’m working paycheck to paycheck until I get things caught up, the financial peace I seek just can’t come soon enough. The scattered glass is still in a huge pile in the middle of the floor with only few pieces put back together. At time I feel like I’m on a tightrope with one wrong step and I fall 100 feet into a dark abyss. But as the old friend assured me, “…you’re strong. You’ll pull through this. Learn from your mistakes and move forward.”

I’m just thankful I was able to pull out of my relapse in a short time. If I had continued down that dark path for much longer, I may have not been able to come back. But here I am. I’m proud of myself for getting this far.

DR – February 24, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings for February 24, 2018:

Daily Reflection

A THANKFUL HEART

I try to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one’s heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know.

— AS BILL SEES IT, p. 37

My sponsor told me that I should be a grateful alcoholic and always have “an attitude of gratitude”—that gratitude was the basic ingredient of humility, that humility was the basic ingredient of anonymity and that “anonymity was the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.” As a result of this guidance, I start every morning on my knees, thanking God for three things: I’m alive, I’m sober, and I’m a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Then I try to live an “attitude of gratitude” and thoroughly enjoy another twenty-four hours of the A.A. way of life. A.A. is not something I joined; it’s something I live.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self will has blocked you off from Him. If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning. That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, pg. 70~

Keep It Simple

Failure is impossible. ––Susan B. Anthony

Failure is an attitude. Having an attitude of failure can’t help us. It can only hurt us. If we’re not careful, it can grow into a way of life. So, when we feel like failures, we better look at our attitudes.

An attitude of failure often comes from making mistakes. But we can learn to see our mistakes as lessons. This turns mistakes into gains, not failures. Sometimes, we try to do things that just can’t be done.

When we act like we know everything, we’re going to fail. if we try to act like God, we’re going to fail.

We can’t control others. We can’t know everything. We’re not God. We’re human. If we act human, we’ve already won.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher power, help me to learn from my attitudes. Whatever the outcome, help me learn.

Action for the Day:
Facing our past “failures” is the first step to learning from them. I’ll talk to my sponsor about a past “failure” and the good that came from it.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You may experience a temporary existential crisis today as you question your basic spiritual assumptions. Others might not realize the depth of your concern because you probably keep your metaphysical insecurities well hidden now. But you’re not worried about being judged for your lack of faith. You just don’t want to waste precious time and energy defending your beliefs, especially since debate will likely go nowhere productive. Dr. Joan Borysenko wrote, “Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.”

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tags
#daily readings, #sober, #sobriety, #sober living, #recovery

DR – February 23, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings for February 23, 2018:

Daily Reflection

MYSTERIOUS PARADOXES

Such is the paradox of A.A. regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one’s old life as a condition for finding a new one.

— A.A. COMES OF AGE, p. 46

What glorious mysteries paradoxes are! They do not compute, yet when recognized and accepted, they reaffirm something in the universe beyond human logic. When I face a fear, I am given courage; when I support a brother or sister, my capacity to love myself is increased; when I accept pain as part of the growing experience of life, I realize a greater happiness; when I look at my dark side, I am brought into new light; when I accept my vulnerabilities and surrender to a Higher Power, I am graced with unforeseen strength. I stumbled through the doors of A.A. in disgrace, expecting nothing from life, and I have been given hope and dignity. Miraculously, the only way to keep the gifts of the program is to pass them on.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“Some people cannot be seen–we send them an honest letter. And there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases. But we don’t delay if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Into Action, Page 83~

Keep It Simple

Hitch your wagon to a star.—Ralph Waldo Emerson

Millions of people are sober and have peace of mind through the Twelve Steps. Like the stars, the Steps are always there. At times, clouds block our view of the stars, but we know they are still there. Let’s view the Twelve Steps the same way.

It is said that the stars are the gate to heaven, that we pass through their beauty to get ready to enter heaven. The Twelve Steps are the gate to spirituality here on earth. We travel through their beauty on our way to a spiritual awakening. Hitch your wagon to the Steps, and get ready for the ride of a lifetime.

Prayer for the Day:
I pray to remember that the Steps keep me sober. I pray that I will follow where the Steps take me.

Action For the Day:
I’ll look at the stars tonight. I’ll think of them as symbols of my life touched by the Twelve Steps.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Choosing what to share and what to keep to yourself is an ongoing dilemma for you self-protective Crabs. However, your worries are even stronger today because you don’t want your current emotional intensity to detract from the important role you are playing at work, in your family or in your community. You’re capable of handling your personal issues, but they could become a major distraction to others now. Walter Scott wrote, “Discretion is the perfection of reason, and a guide to us in all the duties of life.”

DR – February 22, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings for February 22, 2018:

Daily Reflection

GUIDANCE

. . . this means a belief in a Creator who is all power, justice, and love; a God who intends for me a purpose, a meaning, and a destiny to grow, however . . . haltingly, toward His own likeness and image.

— AS BILL SEES IT, p. 51

As I began to understand my own powerlessness and my dependence on God, as I understand Him, I began to see that there was a life which, if I could have it, I would have chosen for myself from the beginning. It is through the continuing work of the Steps and the life in the Fellowship that I’ve learned to see that there is truly a better way into which I am being guided. As I come to know more about God, I am able to trust His ways and His plans for the development of His character in me. Quickly or not so quickly, I grow toward His own image and likeness.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“I have seen hundreds of families set their feet in the path that really goes somewhere; have seen the most impossible domestic situations righted; feuds and bitterness of all sorts wiped out. I have seen men come out of asylums and resume a vital place in the lives of their families and communities. Business and professional men have regained their standing. There is scarcely any form of trouble and misery which has not been overcome among us.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Bill’s Story, Page 15~

Keep It Simple

To thine own self be true.–AA medallions

Sometimes we hear that we have a “selfish program.” Being “selfish” means that we ask for help when we need it. We only go to places that are safe for us, no matter what others are doing. Being selfish comes to mean safety for us.

Being selfish doesn’t mean we act like brats. We must act in ways that show respect and love—for ourselves and for others. being selfish means we do what is good for us. What is good for us? First, we have to save our lives by stopping our drinking and drugging. Next, we start working the Steps. We come to know a loving Higher Power. This is how we come to know our true self.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me be true to myself and my values. Help me be “selfish” about spending time to talk with You each day.

Action for the Day:
I’ll list ten ways I need to be “selfish” in recovery. If I get stuck, I’ll be “selfish” and ask for help.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Your optimism fuels your determination today as you look to your future. You truly believe you can’t help but succeed at whatever you decide to do, making your current choices extremely important. However, you’re not interested in heading off on your own now; you prefer to be an integral part of a team. You gain security from working on a cause with others, but you also know that you’ll accomplish more if several people are pulling in the same direction. An African proverb teaches, “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”

Rising Above It All

On By mikeykjrIn Personal5 Comments

This is a continuation of the last post – Round 2 – Sober Day 4 . . .

I got screwed but I have to accept the consequences of my decisions. As mentioned in the previous post, recent events turned my life upside down. This morning I woke up, clear headed, to make a decision to cut all ties.  It’s been done. I’m rising about it all.

Even before I dialed his number, I knew how this conversation was going to pan out.  For the couple of minutes we talked it was all about him, more lies and placing blame on me.  However, I kept my cool and my boundaries.

The guy who left stole from me draining my bank accounts and taking my rent money. I knew about the bank account because I let him do it. I take responsibility for it. The rent money I didn’t find out about until last night when I noticed the place I keep it was disturbed. I never told him I had cash of any kind on me because I always use my debit card. I know I should be calling the cops right now but I’m not because it’s not going to help me nor will it help anyone else. Yes, it may help prevent him from doing it to others but right now, I have to keep the focus on me. I don’t need to be distracted or add more drama to my life right now.

Honesty

I remember my ex-Sponsor saying, “I want you to be honest with me but more importantly be honest with yourself at all times.” Now, I have learned there are times to be honest with others and times you should not. This is a time I need to be honest with my landlord. So, the next right thing to do was to call the landlord to give him the bad news. I didn’t know what to expect but again, I am accepting all consequences of my decisions.  After giving the details he has agreed to extend my rent date to the 15th of March with a late fee.

I called my sister who, in the past, I haven’t had an ideal relationship. In the past, I have called her for money (and paid back) but it was going to start at square one again due to the relapse. I wasn’t calling for money at all, I was calling to tell her exactly what has hppened. This guy has agreed to NOT come to my house for any reason unless I make a specific committment of date and time.  But he’s an addict, a resourceful one, so I have my doubts. That was the basis of our conversation.

There was doubt in her voice. Doubt I would keep sobriety, doubt I was telling a lie. Trust I had built up with her in my ten years of sobriety, all gone. I’m okay with it, honestly. I understand. However, it was nice to bouce ideas off her on what I should do in regards to this guy. We came to the conclusion “there is really nothing you can do”. Something I didn’t keep true in my ten years of previous sobriety was keeping in contact with her.  I will make it a point in this new journey to do that on a consistent basis.

Making a Committment

Right here and now I am making a committment to myself to stay sober and live a sober life to the best of my ability. Why “to the best of my ability”? I live more than 30 miles from an AA meeting (I perfer in person meetings, NOT online – I can’t see a persons face to see if they are actually geniune.)  I’m in the position of not being able to do much.

I will not be able to attend a meeting until I get an income. While I expect some income from the last job on Friday, I’m not expecting much. It may be enough to get me back and forth to work for the rest of the week at the least, I simply don’t know.

Perhaps I should investigate online meetings – readers please comment!

Moving Forward

On a positive note, after I quit my job on Tuesday of last week, I got another job on Thursday. I start with orientation today (in an hour and a half). I was told I’ll be working with a particular person (whom I worked with before) from 3-11. I have to work day shift (7 a.m. to 3 p.m. a day, a couple of days, I’m not sure.  Whether I have to work with weekend is another qestion mark. Typically, new employees are exempt working weekends during probation or at least one. I’m not sure who this facility works that out but its a question I’m going to ask today. One of many questions.

In the meantime, I am going to get my head back into the Big Book and start reading it, especially the first 164 pages. Already it is hard to go through this with a fresh start, but I’m going to try start this new journey on a clean slate. I’m going to force myself to think as “you know nothing”. Obviously, I don’t – I drank and the consequences of that making stupid deicisons.

I will continue with this blog.  Obviously, I need to make some revisions. But, first and foremost, I will write about what is going on.  This blog has always been about my thoughts, feelings, a journal of my life. I’m not a writer. So, if you’ve been with me this long, please stick around. However, if you tired of “newbie” blogs, I completely understand.

 

 

Round 2 – Sober Day 4

On By mikeykjrIn Personal3 Comments

Today is my fourth full day of sobriety.

I woke up today a completely different person. In recent days there were a series of events I’ve kept to myself because I thought I could handle it alone. I’ve known this is the wrong decision from the beginning, but what was done is done. I, as well as many addicts and recovering addicts deal with issues of codependency. Codependency for me is the process of helping others because you think by doing so you’re helping yourself. Instead, you just ignoring yourself, your own sobriety and making matters worse believing by “fixing” another person’s problems you’re fixing yourself. We’ll all absolutely wrong to think it!

A Brief History

Last week, when I was still drinking, I picked up a friend because he was kicked out of his house, no where to go, sober and needed a place to stay to “clear his head”. Without a thought I made the long trip to pick him up to bring him home. Actually, my thought was, if he’s sober, he can help me get sober. But deep down inside something wasn’t right and I ignored it. Typical when your in active addiction. A couple days later my world has been turned upside down. I’m going through the same situation I have gone through before, years ago.

Yesterday, after much frustration, I confronted him. He’s not sober at all. Thankfully today, he’s back at his parent’s house trying to swindle them instead of me. So now I have resentment, guilt, shame and a host of other feelings. But I know what must be done.

What now?

This is going to be the first big step in my new life of sobriety. I will NOT guarantee things will go smoothly. My ex-sponsor always said, “Don’t expect anything because if you do and it doesn’t work out, you’re going to be disappointed which leads to resentment.” But my experience has taught me, when you’re trying to get sober yourself, it’s best to cut all ties.

The Focus Right Now is ME and MY soberity

First, thank you bgddyjim, the author of another sober blog I read (Fit Recovery, Stay Clean Get Fit). In a recent comment, bgddyjim (the author) commented on a post of mine:

“…without recovery none of that other crap matters.
The job, the apartment or home, the wifeand kids…
without recovery none of that stuff is possible.”

If I want to stay sober, the focus needs to be ME. Perhaps I’m wrong to think this – when it comes to my sobriety, nothing else matters but ME. Already is my first couple days of my sobriety, I have enough issues. Everything else doesn’t matter right now.

 

 

 

 

 

DR – February 21, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings for February 21, 2018:

Daily Reflection

I’M PART OF THE WHOLE

At once, I became a part—if only a tiny part—of a cosmos. . . .

— AS BILL SEES IT, p. 225

When I first came to A.A., I decided that “they” were very nice people — perhaps a little naive, a little too friendly, but basically decent, earnest people (with whom I had nothing in common). I saw “them” at meetings—after all, that was where “they” existed. I shook hands with “them” and, when I went out the door, I forgot about “them.”

Then one day my Higher Power, whom I did not then believe in, arranged to create a community project outside of A.A., but one which happened to involve many A.A. members. We worked together, I got to know “them” as people. I came to admire “them,” even to like “them” and, in spite of myself, to enjoy “them.” “Their” practice of the program in their daily lives—not just in talk at meetings—attracted me and I wanted what they had. Suddenly the “they” became “we.” I have not had a drink since.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“The basic principles of the A.A. program, it appears, hold good for individuals with many different lifestyles, just as the program has brought recovery to those of many different nationalities. The Twelve Steps that summarize the program may be called los Doce Pasos in one country, les Douze Etapes in another, but they trace exactly the same path to recovery that was blazed by the earliest members of Alcoholics Anonymous.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Foreward To Third Edition, Page

Keep It Simple

It easier to speak of love, than to practice it. –Anonymous

Do we help our neighbor who is in need? We must help when we see the need, not just when it fits our schedule. In the program, this becomes our goal. We work at helping out. For example, when someone is needed to run the meeting, we offer. We see that the needs of the group are also our needs. We are the group. Over time, the idea of service spreads to the rest of our lives. Maybe we help a family down the street. We start to see that we have something to offer the world; ourselves. We start to see that the needs of the world are also our needs. We are an important part of the world.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, make me quick to act when I see a need. Please don’t let my fear stop me..

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll list what I have to offer the world. I will think of two ways I can use these gifts my Higher Power has given me.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Concentrating on work isn’t easy today, especially if your fantasies are carrying you off to exotic places. But don’t mistake your daydreams for real plans as your mind runs free now, unencumbered from the practicalities of the mundane world. Sharing your ideas with others can move you closer to making your dreams come true. Listen carefully to the feedback and implement the best ideas you receive. Selective filtering enables you to turn an impossible scenario into a reachable goal.

Taking it One Day At A Time

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings7 Comments

My new sobriety date is February 18, 2018.

This is Round 2, the first few days of my new sobriety. The last couple of days have been difficult for me. I am going through withdrawal, physical withdrawal but there is no “want” or “need” to drink. I hadn’t slept or eat anything in the last two days, now just getting myself off the damn bed. Unfortunately, there are a series of events, besides my sobriety I must tackle together.

I am scrared as my blood pressure is now spiked to a 163/88 with a pulse of 66 to a last reading of 160/103 with a pulse of 83 at 4:30 this morning. There is a realization at any moment I could have a stroke/heart attack. I had a Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA) in May 2011, so I’ve been on high blood pressure and high cholesterol medication since then. Unfortunately, I waited to long to establish a primary care here where I live, missed my appointment yesterday sleeping and haven’t had them in more than a week which could contribute to my current condition. Luckily I have a friend staying with me but he’s going through his own “shit” right now which also has involved me.

I go to my new job tomorrow for two hours for orientation. Supposedly I’ll work Thursday and Friday during the day, then have the weekend off, I believe but could be wrong. I may request the weekend off, I may work it depending on my condition. I’m looking forward to the new environment but am skeptic it’s really going to make a difference. I won’t know until I start work on Thursday.

In the meantime, I’m getting out today. I have to take a road trip with my friend to his parent’s house. It’s long drive but will be good, perhaps for the both of us. We both need the fresh air and not isolate ourselves here.

I’m taking it “One Day at a Time”.