Author: mikeykjr

This blog reflects the thoughts and feelings of a gay, alcoholic/addict. Sobriety, for me, is the #1 priority in life. I wouldn't be here today without the dedication to my own sobriety. I hope through this site, I can help others battling with an addiction, struggling with recovery or those looking for a better understanding of an addict and what we go through in life. I tend to write long, rambling posts, so grab some coffee, get comfortable and enjoy yourself. Also, subscribe/follow!

DR – February 20, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings for February 20, 2018:

Daily Reflection

THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER

At this juncture, his A.A. sponsor usually laughs.

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 26

Before my recovery from alcoholism began, laughter was one of the most painful sounds I knew. I never laughed and I felt that anyone else’s laughter was directed at me! My self-pity and anger denied me the simplest of pleasures or lightness of heart. By the end of my drinking not even alcohol could provoke a drunken giggle in me.

When my A.A. sponsor began to laugh and point out my self-pity and ego-feeding deceptions, I was annoyed and hurt, but it taught me to lighten up and focus on my recovery. I soon learned to laugh at myself and eventually I taught those I sponsor to laugh also. Every day I ask God to help me stop taking myself too seriously.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“If a repetition is to be prevented, place the problem, along with everything else, in God’s hands.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, To Wives, Page 120~

Keep It Simple

Let Go and Let God.—Twelve Step slogan

Some days we might ask ourselves, Is it worth it? We feel alone. No one seems to care.

Life seems hard. Recovery seems hard. This is when we need to slow down and take a look at what’s going on. We’re feeling this way because we’re off our recovery path. We may be back into wanting people to see things our way. We want control. Remember, all problems are not our problems. All work is not our work. We can’t have everything the way we want it. But we can do our part and let go of the rest. Than we can feel better.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me remember my only work today is to do Your will for me. It is not my job to be You.

Action for the Day:
I’ll talk with my sponsor or a program friend today. I’ll talk about how to deal with things that seems to pull me down.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Separating your unconscious fantasies from patterns in the real world can be tricky business today. However, your unexpressed hopes and dreams leak into nearly every interaction now, infusing even the simplest discussion with mixed signals. Thankfully, the simplistic Taurus Moon encourages you to limit your communication to the most practical issues, so you can get your message across without upsetting anyone else. Psychologist Hans Selye wrote, “Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into a positive one.”

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
tags
#daily readings, #sober, #sobriety, #sober living, #recovery

DR – February 19, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings for February 19, 2018:

Daily Reflection

I’M NOT DIFFERENT

In the beginning, it was four whole years before A.A. brought permanent sobriety to even one alcoholic woman. Like the “high bottoms, ” the women said they were different; . . . The Skid-Rower said he was different . . . so did the artists and the professional people, the rich, the poor, the religious, the agnostic, the Indians and the Eskimos, the veterans, and the prisoners. . . . nowadays all of these, and legions more, soberly talk about how very much alike all of us alcoholics are when we admit that the chips are finally down.

~AS BILL SEES IT, p. 24

I cannot consider myself “different” in A.A.; if I do I isolate myself from others and from contact with my Higher Power. If I feel isolated in A.A., it is not something for which others are responsible.

It is something I’ve created by feeling I’m “different” in some way.

Today I practice being just another alcoholic in the worldwide Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“If there be divorce or separation, there should be no undue haste for the couple to get together. The man should be sure of his recovery. The wife should fully understand his new way of life. If their old relationship is to be resumed it must be on a better basis, since the former did not work. This means a new attitude and spirit all around. Sometimes it is to the best interests of all concerned that a couple remain apart. Obviously, no rule can be laid down. Let the alcoholic continue his program day by day. When the time for living together has come, it will be apparent to both parties.”

Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Working With Others, Page 99

Keep It Simple

Changing brings questions, and questions bring change. —Anonymous

What am I becoming? How do I know if what I’m doing is right? Is it best for me? We are full of questions. Often, times of question a are times of change. We are becoming something new, and there is always a little fear of change. Luckily, we don’t need to know what we are becoming to find peace. What we need to know is what we believe in. And we’ll become what we believe in. If we believe in sobriety, we’ll be sober. If we believe in honestly, we’ll struggle to be more honest. We must give ourselves the freedom of becoming. Becoming means we’re on a trip, a journey. Over time, becoming takes on a comfort of its own.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, what am I becoming? I give up having to know the answer. All I need to believe is that You love me and will do what is best for me.

Action for the Day:
I’ll ask lots of questions. Often, the question is more important than the answer.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You might be caught off guard by a wave of anxiety today. Although you may believe that if you don’t do it now — whatever it is — you will lose the chance. But your fear of missing a wonderful opportunity could motivate you to make a reckless decision that won’t bring you any closer to happiness. Your current sense of urgency is temporary. If your intentions are clear and your goals are sound, you don’t need to jump. Building momentum over the next few days increases your chances for success.

 

DR – February 18, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings for February 18, 2018:

Daily Reflection

OUR PATHS ARE OUR OWN

… there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.

~ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 25

My first attempt at the Steps was one of obligation and necessity, which resulted in a deep feeling of discouragement in the face of all those adverbs: courageously; completely; humbly; directly; and only. I considered Bill W. fortunate to have gone through such a major, even sensational, spiritual experience. I had to discover, as time went on, that my path was my own. After a few twenty-four hours in the A.A. Fellowship, thanks especially to the sharing of members in meetings, I understood that everyone gradually finds his or her own pace in moving through the Steps. Through progressive means, I try to live according to these suggested principles. As a result of these Steps, I can say today that my attitude towards life, people, and towards anything having to do with God, has been transformed and improved.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Foreword To First Edition, pg. xiii~

Keep It Simple

Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you. Spanish proverb

Gossip can kill the trust in a Twelve Step program. We all need to feel safe when we share our personal lives with others. We need to know our private business won’t spread around.

We can do two things to help keep the trust in our groups, and in the rest of our lives too. First, don’t gossip. Second, don’t listen to gossip about others.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me mind my own business today. Help me honor the trust of my friends by not gossiping.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll think of two ways to stop someone from telling me gossip. Then, I’ll put those ways to use.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Imagining that your dreams will come true helps to build your confidence today, but the fact is that it really doesn’t matter what happens in the future. The act of consciously conjuring up idealistic visions is sufficient for now. It’s best to avoid making concrete plans yet because a practical approach could place artificial limits on your fantasies. J.M. Barrie, author of “Peter Pan” wrote, “The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease forever to be able to do it.”

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
tags
#daily readings, #sober, #sobriety, #sober living, #recovery

DR – February 17, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings for February 17, 2018:

Daily Reflection

THE LOVE IN THEIR EYES

Some of us won’t believe in God, others can’t, and still others who do believe that God exists have no faith whatever He will perform this miracle.

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 25

It was the changes I saw in the new people who came into the Fellowship that helped me lose my fear, and change my negative attitude to a positive one. I could see the love in their eyes and I was impressed by how much their “One Day at a Time” sobriety meant to them. They had looked squarely at Step Two and came to believe that a power greater than themselves was restoring them to sanity. That gave me faith in the Fellowship, and hope that it could work for me too. I found that God was a loving God, not that punishing God I feared before coming to A.A. I also found that He had been with me during all those times I had been in trouble before I came to A.A. I know today that He was the one who led me to A.A. and that I am a miracle.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea. He said, ‘Why don’t you choose your own conception of God?’

That statement hit me hard. It melted the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years. I stood in the sunlight at last.

It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start from that point.”

Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Bill’s Story, pg. 12~

Keep It Simple

. . . no one who learns to know himself remains just what he was before—Thomas Mann

Deep inside, we all know that we’re changing. It started when we took Step One. We learned and accepted something new about ourselves. That changed us, just a little. We no longer wanted to live as addicts. That meant we had to change and to learn to live sober. It’s been nonstop ever since: learn about ourselves, change a little, learn about ourselves, change a little more, and so on. All we know is that each step of learning and changing makes life better. How long can it keep getting better? As long as we keep learning to know ourselves.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, teach me about myself today. Teach me gently.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll think about what I’ve learned about myself by working the program. I’ll list five things.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You are soaking in every minute nuance of your current experiences, but it might appear as if your mind is lost in space. However, you’re so attentive today that you don’t miss a trick. Perhaps your uncharacteristic spontaneity leads people to believe that you already have made your plans for the day. Although your reactions could send the wrong message, your contemplative nature is still running the show. Don’t worry about anyone else’s judgements; just continue to observe your environment, along with the reactions of your heart. Following your bliss inspires others to do the same.

DR – February 16, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings for February 16, 2018:

Daily Reflection

COMMITMENT

“Understanding is the key to right principles and attitudes, and right action is the key to good living.”

TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 125

There came a time in my program of recovery when the third stanza of the Serenity Prayer — “The wisdom to know the difference” — became indelibly imprinted in my mind. From that time on, I had to
face the ever-present knowledge that my every action, word and thought was within, or outside, the principles of the program. I could no longer hide behind self-rationalization, nor behind the insanity of my disease. The only course open to me, if I was to attain a joyous life for myself (and subsequently for those I love), was one in which I imposed on myself an effort of commitment, discipline, and responsibility.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“we have ceased fighting anything or anyone— even alcohol.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Into Action, pg. 84~

Keep It Simple

Friendships, like marriages, are dependent on avoiding the unforgivable.
––John D. MacDonald

We need to remember that relationships are made up of people—people who are strong, but also fragile.

We don’t break easily, but we do break. We need to be aware of how fragile relationships are. Don’t say something that will hurt others even if it’s honest. It’s mean to be honest with someone, without showing that you care for the person’s feelings. We can learn to be honest without being cruel. The backbone of any relationship is this: we need to honor the rules and agreements we make. If we promise to be faithful to someone, we follow this rule. And we need to trust the other person to do the same. When we see that our agreements don’t work, we need to go to that person and talk about them.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me become a person who honors rules and agreements in my relationships.

Actions for the Day:
I’ll make no promises today that I will not keep.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Your daydreams are sweetened with magical adventures and romantic encounters today. Slipping in and out of your imaginative wanderings is enjoyable enough that people might question the source of your current happiness. However, you’re probably not inclined to share your fantasies because you’re afraid others will tell you how unrealistic they are. Nevertheless, you cling to the possibility of making them come true. Albert Einstein wrote, “Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions.”

 

New Chapters in Life

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

This week was full of ups and downs, as life is most days. I quit my job, I relapsed, I got another job and I’m helping a friend who is now staying with me. While I’m actively drinking, I am attempting to cut down so withdrawal symptoms aren’t severe. But the future looks bright and I have hope again!

For those sending messages or emails, my apologies for not answering them. At first I got tired of all the “suggestions”. At the same time, I’m attempting to start again with an attitude of  “I don’t know anything” instead of “I know . .”. Honestly, I relapsed because I wanted to. I simply gave up. Plain and simple.

There is a since of relief I quit my job. But then there came worry about finding another. But ex-coworkers told me, “Mike, you’ll get a job in no time, trust me.” Honestly, I didn’t believe them. Then I received messages saying I was expected somewhere, so all I had to do was apply and I would have a job. It was TRUE. I went to another facility, filled out an application and I’ll be starting my new job on Wednesday of next week.

In the meantime an old friend needed some help. Despite my own problems, I reached out my hand. He’s a recovering addict who fell on hard times with a girlfriend. He’s now staying with me for a while to clear his head. At the same time, he knows my situation and so we have a plan.

Lastly, I have begun the hard task of tapering my drinking. In the last two days I have had six beers total. It helps to have another sober person in the house. On the other hand, its not ideal to just suddenly quit either. Why?  For those who are not aware, alcohol withdrawal if not properly managed can/will lead to death. When I’m more clear headed perhaps I’ll post my views on that subject. For now, its not a reason to keep drinking, believe me. My friend is going through a lot already.

So this is where I am today.

DR – February 15, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings for February 15, 2018:

Daily Reflection

TAKING ACTION

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us–sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

~ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 84

One of the most important things A.A. has given me, in addition to freedom from booze, is the ability to take “right action.” It says the promises will ALWAYS materialize if I WORK for them. Fantasizing about them, debating them, preaching about them and faking them just won’t work. I’ll remain a miserable, rationalizing dry drunk. By taking action and working the Twelve Steps in all my affairs, I’ll have a life beyond my wildest dreams.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“Though we work out our solution on the spiritual as well as an altruistic plane, we favor hospitalization for the alcoholic who is very jittery or befogged. More often than not, it is imperative that a man’s brain be cleared before he is approached, as he has then a better chance of understanding and accepting what we have to offer.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, The Doctor’s Opinion, pg. xxvi~

Keep It Simple

Easy Does It.—Twelve Steps slogan

We are people who push ourselves to hard. We try to be perfect. Well, we need to lighten up. Easy Does It.

We need to slow down our pace. Why? Because our program teaches us to give up trying to be perfect.

We begin to love ourselves for who we are. We are enough. Over and over we hear this as we live the Steps. It’s the message of God’s love. Our Higher Power want us to live at a pace that’s not fast and hard, so we always know we’re loved. Remember, we’ve turned our life over to the care of God. And our life is a wonderful gift. As recovering people, we may know better than others.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, teach me to live at Your pace, not mine. Help me keep in mind that life isn’t a race. It’s a spiritual journey. Walk with me.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll take two hours just to relax and do loving things for myself. I’ll take time to count my blessings.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Your relationship to a significant person or organization may be the source of trouble now. An imbalance in power creates unsustainable emotional dynamics as you struggle for dominance or seek an escape route. But complicated energetic entanglements make a clean victory unlikely as the Aquarius Solar Eclipse destabilizes your 8th House of Shared Resources. Fortunately, there is a solution in sight, but you must be willing to discuss anything and give up everything before a fair compromise can be reached. Dr. Chester Karrass wrote, “You don’t get what you deserve; you get what you negotiate.”

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
tags
#daily readings, #sober, #sobriety, #sober living, #recovery

Wait…What?

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

I just received a message from an ex-coworker who now works at another facility.While I sent my resume to this facility a while ago, the Director of Nursing and I are playing phone tag. Another ex-coworker who now works there said she would “put in a word for me” too.  The new message reads,  “Good they said they will put u on my floor my shift.”

Seriously, I haven’t even walked through the door . . .

I can’t and I won’t screw this up. I responded with, “I’ll be there at 10 or 11 am tomorrow.”

Someone is looking out for me, for that I am thankful!

I have hope this will end soon!

DR – February 14, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings for February 14, 2018:

Daily Reflection

EXPECTATIONS vs. DEMANDS

Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.

~ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 98

Dealing with expectations is a frequent topic at meetings. It isn’t wrong to expect progress of myself, good things from life, or decent treatment from others. Where I get into trouble is when my expectations become demands. I will fall short of what I wish to be and situations will go in ways I do not like, because people will let me down sometimes. The only question is: “What am I going to about it?” Wallow in self-pity or anger; retaliate and make a bad situation worse; or will I trust in God’s power to bring blessings on the messes in which I find myself? Will I ask Him what I should be learning; do I keep on doing the right things I know how to do, no matter what; do I take the time to share my faith and blessings with others?

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail. This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, There Is A Solution, pg. 24~

Keep It Simple

Some things have to be believed to be seen. –Ralph Hodgson

In recovery, we learn to trust. We trust that our Higher Power is on our side. Maybe we can’t see our Higher Power , but once we start trusting things change. Step Two says, “Came to believe. . . ” Once we come to believe, we start to see our Higher Power working in many ways. We make new program friends. We find new peace. Our family and friends trust us again. Life won’t always be fair. We won’t get all we want. But we’ll find the love and care we need. If we’re open to believing in love, the easy times will be easier and the harder times a bit softer. Do I believe in love?

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me believe, especially when times are hard. Help me not blame You for the hard times.

Action for the Day:
I will write what I believe the program and my Higher Power want for me.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Your internal guidance system appears to be malfunctioning today and you’re at a loss without your intuitive connection. Logical analysis may work for others, but it never gives you emotional Crabs the most satisfying answers. However, the wisdom you seek is usually found in your body and, fortunately, you know when you can trust your gut. Rumi wrote, “We rarely hear the inward music, but we’re all dancing to it nevertheless.”

The Relapse

On By mikeykjrIn Personal10 Comments

We make stupid decisions when our active addiction fully consumes us. Perhaps this is not the best time to dislose these details here since I’m currently drinking. But the original purpose of this site still remains the same:

It is my hope that this blog serves several purposes. It offers a glimpse to the non-addict of what an addict and a recovering addict goes through in life. The hope that another addict reads this blog and starts their own journey in recovery. Lastly and most importantly, a blank canvas where I can explore my thoughts, feelings and my creative side.

There is so much I want to say, yet want to keep to myself. Honestly, I don’t even know where to start. So I might as well just dive right in.

I knew a replase was coming. It was obvious. It had been a lingering thought in the back of my mind for a while. A growing fear I was about to travel down a dark path, yet again, in my life to only who knows where.  I simply did nothing to prevent it; I simply gave up the fight.

Honestly, I was playing a dangerous game with myself and those around me. On the inside, I was a miserable mess; I was lonely, tired and hungry. On the outside I portrayed this strong, confident person (or so I thought). I guess I was waiting for someone to ask, “Hey Mike, is everything okay.” I probably would have cried like a baby. The expectation people acually cared. No one cared. Oh but now they all do, as I’ve been fielding messages, texts, etc. all day. In the end, I was lying to myself and everyone around me everything was okay.

Am I angry right now? Actually I’m not. It’s more of a feeling of relief. But its just a cover up of my fear of the future. Yes, I’m scared. I’m scared of where this is going to take me. I’m scared of not getting a job anytime soon. I’m scared of ending up exactly where I was ten years ago.

Side note:
I’m attempting to refrain from saying, “I know..” because I don’t.
I don’t know anything right now.
I know nothing.

It’s clear to me what I need to do. I’ve just become extremely lazy. I’m made excuse after excuse after excuse. I have not accepted responsibility. I’m just not there yet.

I know There is/was never an expectation drinking would “solve my problems”. I know My problems are still there when I wake up. The hundred emotions are all at the forefront.

Right now, I woke up at 2 a.m., I’ve had my forth cup of coffee. I’m trying to stay focused but its hard. “The fog” is beginning to creep back in. The “committee” is awakening. I simply don’t care. I don’t get pleasure out of this at all. The smell of Budwiser disgusts me,  yet I continue to pick up one can after another. All those AA slogans crash into my head at the same time. It’s the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

Hopefully some day soon I crawl out of this hole. I just don’t know if it’s going to be today.