Category: Personal

Just Being in the Present

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

I haven’t written a personal entry in quite a while. I’m quite okay with nothing worthy to write about in my life right now. There are times when I’m content with where I am, what I’m doing with no worries in the world. I relish these days.

My old Sponsor is trying to contact me again. At first, it brought up a little anger. I wanted to reply, “The world doesn’t revolve around you . . . ” Instead I’ve simply replied, “I’m doing fine, thank you.” Simple, eloquent, end of story.

With unexpected expenses in April, I’m back at square one for moving closer to work. At first, it felt my dreams where ripped from me for no reason. But I came to the conclusion perhaps its not the best time. I was moving forward with such haste I wasn’t looking at the whole picture. Basically, I have to plan better and really do my research. There is another house for rent in Candor, actually right next to the trailer I was going to rent but fell through, so I’ve put in a call with no response. However, as summer approaches I’m sure my research and opportunities will get better. I just have to be patient and give it time.

Meanwhile, I’m content with where I am at today. My life may be dull at the moment but it gives me time to reflect on what I really want to do in the future. The weather is beginning to improve so I’m concentrating on doing something small but enjoyable, for myself on my days off. Most of the Winter I’ve been cooped up in this house glued to this computer. It’s time to clear the cobwebs from Winter. I need to get out, even if its just me, to enjoy the Spring and Summer.

Moral Inventory

On By mikeykjrIn Personal, Work Rant1 Comment

Recovery is a life long process. I am not perfect. There are times in my life where I can fall flat on my face. But those are times when I need to look at my defects of character, taking a moral inventory, to learn from my mistakes. After reading some other recovery blogs, I responded to another that perhaps such would help them in their situation. I came to realize I was the one that needed a hard look at my moral inventory.

I strive to work with others at work.  Sometimes it is very difficult if the other party is unwilling to do the same. I simply try to do my best at avoiding any situations that raise my temper. I admit I can be a hot head knowing it will get very ugly if I let my temper get the best of me. My anger is my number one defect of character I try to work on daily.

There is one person who knows how to push my buttons. She knows she is in complete control and grinds me to the ground every time we work together.  The other day I didn’t walk away. Instead I chose to stand my ground. When someone accuses me and such accusations may jeopardize my career – we have problems! I blew up at her. Unfortunately, the event took place  in front of other employees, residents and the supervisor on the floor.  It was a terrible incident.  After it was all said and done, I accepted my part and any consequences of my actions.

Thankfully yesterday was my day off. I tried not the think of the incident, letting it go. But it kept creeping back to the forefront of my thinking. There is definitely a resentment building. With that resentment is anger. Usually anger is triggered by fear.

Today all I can think of is this quote from Yoda, in Star Wars:

yoda_fear

At this point, I’m not sure what I should do, if anything. If I’m approached regarding the situation, I will be honest and accept any consequences. However, there is a greater chance this may not even go any further.

Par of me is not worried about the accusation at all. My supervisor piped in during the argument, “…that is false, to my knowledge.” She also gave me accolades on my job performance. I also learned she was displeased with this same individual while working with her on the floor (third party information). This individual also had another incident with another employee the previous day, then simply left the job an hour early after it was over. Therefore, she might be digging her own hole.

Yet, part of me worries if it does come back to haunt me. Recently, there have been a string of employees who have left or been terminated for various reasons. Again, part of me says, “If it happens, so be it.” But the other part of me fears the termination of my employment.

For now, I’m not going to do anything until approached.  I believe, for now, it’s the best solution. If I were to add more to the incident, I could be adding more fuel to the fire. Instead I’ll trust in my Higher Power – everything is okay. In time, she will have to deal with her own karma.

 

Easter 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Personal2 Comments

Friday night, after a frustrating night at work, I got in my car and drove, safely but fast, home. I went to bed after watching a couple of episodes of Game of Thrones and now I feel refreshed. I’ve made plans with two friends. Lunch today with an old friend and Easter dinner with an old college friend.  Both of these individuals I haven’t seen in a long time.

There was a lesson I learned this week – accepting the consequences of my decisions. Last weekend, I didn’t go to work on a scheduled day calling in sick.  I wasn’t sick at all. Unfortunately, there are two people at work that spread negativity around work like wildfire and are very hard to work with. The day off was more of a mental health day. I knew if I reported to work, it wasn’t going to be good for me nor them, so I avoided the additional drama at the expense of being paid.

I’m going to suffer this week but I’ll manage. I made plans to stop smoking yet again with the help of Nicotine Replacement Therapy (the Nicotine patches). I have a few cigarettes left for today. I’ll finish them but make a commitment to myself and the Gods, this time is the last time. If includes a ritual of some sort for effect, then so be it.

Honestly, I think part of happiness for myself is finally getting rid of this other addiction. Obviously it’s causing unseen health problems (I can only pray I have none) but the monetary strain is getting enormous. Instead, I can take the money putting in a savings account for other useful things instead of killing myself slowly each day.

So those are my priorities this weekend. One, enjoy myself with the company of others whom I haven’t seen in a long time. Two, end an addiction that has plagued my life for decades once and for all. As with alcoholism, I’m going to apply the Steps, one by one starting later today.

 

Dr. Seuss’ Solution

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

Today I”m having one of those days, I just feel odd. I can’t exactly explain it. For some reason I only got a few hours sleep. After  going to bed around 3 a.m. I woke up just before the morning sun began glaring through my bedroom window. For some reason, I don’t know how or why a Dr. Seuss rhyme is now stuck in my head, “”From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.” – Dr. Seuss . Perhaps my Higher Power is trying to tell me, “Everything is okay!” Or perhaps it’s not?

A lot has been on my mind lately. Stressors at work have successfully twisted my head around like the scene out of the Exorcist. People, in general, all around are getting under my skin.  It’s frustrating. It’s an internal war raging inside me. But in reality, no one wins. I just have to accept it is what it is and I can’t do anything about it.

My interest of moving closer to work is going to be delayed, yet again. Another costly job on my aging car was taken care of for New York State inspection requirements.  My 2007 Toyota Corrolla is slowly climbing closer to 200,000 miles traveling 100+ miles per way each day. There are days I wish I could just twitch my nose and it all be over. I’ve always despised moving, yet it must be done.

To prepare for this move I need to get my home in order which is another monumental task. I’ve been living here for ten years accumulating junk. If I could I would just rent a commercial trash container parked out in front of my home and toss everything in it. In reality, I want to start over. A new place with a inflatable bed, some clothes, my computers and I”m good to go. But I feel guilty just leaving trash behind for my landlord, no matter how much he’s disgusted me in the past.

I just need to get out of this God forsaken town. The stupidity of people around me is unbearable at times. I can’t ell you how many traffic accidents I avoid on a daily basis.  Just attempting to get dinner at a local grocery store at 12:30 a.m. is a lesson in patience. There is limited parking already in front of my house. The disrespectful mechanic across the street double parks cars on the other side in a no parking zone. The city does nothing. Tow trucks dumping cars off facing the wrong way blocking close access to my own home forcing me to park at the local restaurant around the corner most nights. Again, the city won’t do anything because the cars are “legal”.

Perhaps I do need to keep Dr. Seuss in mind – just laugh at it all. What I need to do this weekend is watch a movie we’ve been running for our dementia residents at work, Patch Adams starring Robin Williams. Or I can put in The Sound of Music to sing along with Judy Andrews (terribly, I might add), The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music. Then there is news, which I’ve ignored prior to the newly elected President but hear spurts here and there. The whole world is going insane. Perhaps I just need to join the rest of you?

 

 

 

Physically, Mentally, Spiritually Fit

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

I talk about his all the time, “If I’m not physically, mentally and spiritually fit there is always a possibility of relapse.” Physically I’m exhausted, mentally I can’t tell you what day it is and spiritually . . . Gods I just don’t know. I acknowledge something is going on, now just to figure out what.

A succession of events occurred in the last two months. Back in February I wrote about the travels down a dark path in Struggling . Without looking back, I got through it with the help of my Sponsor and others – which I expressed nothing but gratitude. Afterward, I wrote a couple posts about my relationship with my Sponsor diminishing, then finally at the end of March the relationship just ceased (my doing). Since then I “thought” I was doing fine.  Honestly, I’m not sure.

Work is always going to be the “same shit, different day” mentality for me. I try to convince myself there is nothing I can do to change things. People are not going to change despite anything I do, so I just need to grim my teeth and get through each day. But that becomes mentally exhausting.

In recent weeks, there have been times when I’ve worked more than I should at my own expense physically. Working those 16 hour days just kills me for days on end.  I still haven’t recovered since the last double I pulled at work.

Spiritually, I just don’t have time. I vowed to bring more spirituality into my life as a possible solution. As usual, I have good intentions at the beginning but after a couple of days its back to the old routine: wake up, blog, drive to work, deal with work, drive back home, sleep, repeat cycle the next day. The only spiritual time I’ve found is driving to and from work where I’m simply asking my Higher Power to get me through the day.

Physically, I’m on my feet running around for eight (or more in some cases) from one end of a hall to another doing things others should be doing because they simply have the mentality of “I don’t care”. Well I do. It’s when I get in that mentality something happens to me and I won’t let that happen. So when I’m at home, I immerse myself either at the computer or watching Netflix.

Last night, I just flipped out again at work. I threw threats of just walking out but not acting on them.  I don’t feel like drinking, I just don’t want to deal with the “same shit, different day” attitude anymore. I’ve tried so hard to just worry about my responsibilities but when you work in a nursing environment taking care of residents who can’t take care of themselves, the perspective is different. I can go to an extreme reporting things to my boss. However, I have before with no resolve, yet there is a new Director of Nursing but I know she’s doing the best to “fix problems” and I just have to give it time.

The spiritual side of me looked at recent events in the celestial plane. Mercury retrograde is about to begin April 9, 2017. It won’t end until May 3rd. It actually began March 27th, with a pre-phase. The post phase will end May 21, 2017. I go through this same phase during this time. Things of all matters just don’t work out at all.

I have a plan. It’s not ideal but right now, where I am, I have to do something. People call out for work all the time for stupid reasons which annoys me all the time. The point is I don’t at all.  I’ve called out sick ONCE in the last six months of my employment.

Tomorrow I’m going to call out sick because I need that extra day off period. It’s not paid and will hurt me (my consequences). The positive side is that I’ve been told by my fellow employees they don’t mind working double shifts on weekends. Just call it a “mental health day off” because I need it.  I’m not going to feel guilty or shameful about it either. This may all seem selfish to some, so be it. Whether it works or not is to be seen. But I’ve already made up my mind. It’s a done deal.

 

Reveal or Not Reveal

On By mikeykjrIn Discussion, Personal9 Comments

Another follower at Guitars and Life raised an interesting question to a recovery minded podcast, BUZZKILL Pod. The question posed is “Reveal or Not Reveal?”. The discussion revolves around views whether recovering addicts should or should not reveal themselves as such, a person in recovery? Those of us in recovery have different views on the subject. For those interested, this is my view on the topic.

Recovery programs were established in the early 1930’s. Since then people in need of recovery from around the world come together to discuss a new way of life as a recoverying addict. Due to the stigma surrounding addiction, these meetings are typically held in private. Anonymity is of upmost importance. A tradition was put in place, “Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we always maintain anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.” The tradition was placed as a means of protecting those in recovery from the stigma.

With the help of advanced sciences, the understanding of addiction has changed, yet the stigma still relatively remains the same. Ken Hensley, an English singer-songwriter, puts addiction in perspective, “It is hard to understand addiction unless you have experienced it.” In other words, unless your an addict or a recovering addict, most likely you truly do not understand what we are going through. For instance, a large view of the population asks, “Why can’t you just stop?” We wish it was just that easy. Others still view addicts as helpless criminals who should be locked away. Another stigma, not all addicts are criminals. These views need to be changed, otherwise those in active addiction may never find recovery.

In recent years a movement to bring a better understanding of addiction through promotion of prevention and education by recovering addicts has become prevelant in the media. Thus, the controversy in the recovery community over disclosure. Some believe such disclosure violates the tradition, “Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion . . .” The key word here is “promotion”. In addition, “. . . we always maintain anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.” We now hear about addiction in all types of media. Where should people draw the line? Traditions tend to change over time. For instance, you have a Christmas tradition surviving in your family for generations. Do you follow the exact tradition from when it was started? Of course not. As time goes on, the tradition changes in some form or another due to circumstances.

In today’s society, circumstances have changed. One can find a host of information on the Internet about “trends in addiction” using Google. Historically, one type of addiction will be prevelant for years, while other wanes. For instance, at the time the tradition was written, alcoholism was the most prevelant addiction known. During other times, marijuana, cocaine, meth or another drug was prevelant. Today, we are currently experiencing an epidemic of herion addiction.

Finally, here are my thoughts on disclosure. Yes, I believe in upholding the tradition, while on the other hand it is my responsiblity to practice the 12th Step, as a recovering addict. Self-disclosure is a personal choice. Some disclose their recovery to no one, keeping to the tradition of self-protection. Others choose to disclose their recovery to others for various reasons. For instance, in a 12-Step program, the 12th Step states, ““Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics/addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

All active addicts become hopeless – we hit “rock bottom”. Our addiction takes us places we never through imaginable. We are shrouded in shame, guilt, anger, selfishness, etc. All those things made me feel alone; the only person on this Earth in a revolving cycle of destruction to myself and those around me. Recovery brought me hope; recovery is a way of living with my addiction.

Early in my recovery, I learned disclosure should only be done to those who were in recovery. I had to learn a different way of living. Therefore I only could learn through other recovering addicts. But there was a point in my recovery where I felt disclosure of my recovery was necessary to more than just recovering addicts. I was comfortable with who I was, where I was in my own recovery. It is my choice to open my life to others for two reasons.

Most importantly to another active addict. Doing so gives them an opportunity to learn what I’ve been through. Hopefully, they decide for themselves to learn more about recovery and a new way of life with addiction. Second, my disclosure to the general public is a hope to help them better understand of who we are as addicts (both recovering and active). By sharing my experiences both in active addiction and recovery giving them a chance to walk in my shoes. Perhaps this would give them an insight of feeling exactly where I’ve been and/or what I’m going through in my daily life.

For me, I won’t be here today, if I had not embraced sobriety. It was my personal choice to live another way because where I was and what I was doing wasn’t working. Enevitably, it would (and could) led to death if something didn’t change. Plain and simple. But I’m not one to force my beliefs or views on anyone. So I leave you with this,

I am Responsible. When Anyone, Anywhere
Reaches Out For Help,
I Want The Hand Of A.A. [or another program]
Always To Be There.
And For That,
I Am Responsible !

Help continue this discussion in the comments but please be civil. We all have different views.  Any and all comments are appreciated!

Two Days We Should Not Worry

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

Two Days We Should Not Worry

~ Author Unknown ~

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is Yesterday with all its mistakes and cares,
its faults and blunders, its aches and pains.

Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.
All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday.

We cannot undo a single act we performed;
we cannot erase a single word we said.
Yesterday is gone forever.

The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow
with all its possible adversities, its burdens,
its large promise and its poor performance;
Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.

Tomorrow’s sun will rise,
either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds, but it will rise.
Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow,
for it is yet to be born.

This leaves only one day, Today.
Any person can fight the battle of just one day.
It is when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities Yesterday and Tomorrow that we break down.

It is not the experience of Today that drives a person mad,
it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring.

Let us, therefore, Live but one day at a time.

The Plan & Epic Failure

On By mikeykjrIn Personal9 Comments

I have a thousand emotions running through my veins right now.  Perhaps it’s not the right place nor the write time to write about it.  But I need to get it out, otherwise I’m going to go crazy. The plan was to politely tell my Sponsor I would like to remain friends, ending our AA relationship, but it turned out to be an epic failure.

Joe and I arranged to have lunch at a local deli.  I was already expecting to be asked, ‘So what are you pissed at me about.”  I was right.  Not five minutes through the door the question was asked.  Really? I told him it was not the appropriate place nor time.

After our lunch, we met at his house.  First words, “So, go ahead and lay it into me . . .” Really? The plan was to bring up such topics as:

  • Putting salt in open wounds (recent rude, condescending remarks via text)
  • Interrupting
  • Hypocrisy (saying one thing, yet doing another)
  • Pawning things on others
  • Not accepting responsibility for own faults

In a calm nature, I explained that I had enough.  He interrupts about something completely different. **grind teeth** We disagree about comments made the other day, so I pull out my phone.  Joe, “I now what I said, you don’t have to show me.”  Really?  Obviously you have forgotten.  Then he doesn’t listen, just blabs away blaming everything on me.

I was done.  I got up and left.  But then I had to return to get MY DVD player which was on loan to him.  He gave me choice works, “You’re going to take my only entertainment?” (because he has no cable, something he CHOSE because he can’t afford it). “What about the cats?” Seriously, Joe.  You’ve had them for 19 years (he says) and wants to pawn them on me. “You’ve become so vindictive since you’re new job.”  Seriously . . . “Mike, why are you running.  You always run from your problems and don’t face them.”  Ummm, okay.

People in AA tell me all the time, “Mike, what the HELL do you see in that guy.  He’ll just f**k  you over, like everyone else.”  I’ve ignored those comments for years.  He was a really nice guy with the right intentions.  However, since his argument with his landlord, then moving to a new place and downsizing considerably, he’s become another person.  A person I choose no longer to be associated with anymore.

I want to punch a wall, cry my brains out, scream at the top of my lungs. But honestly, I feel sorry for him. One of the few strong relationships, besides his family, now gone. I know he thinks this will just blow over in a few weeks or months.  It won’t.

I wanted to be civil. To help him understand why I felt the way I did.  Instead, he didn’t want to hear it.  He wanted to turn everything around on me. Not having it.

Another chapter in my life is now closed.

The end.

 

 

Treating Myself

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

As I was driving to Hallstead, PA, for cigarettes, a thought came to my mind.  I haven’t been to the Mohegan Sun Pocono Casino in quite a long time. I talk about treating myself for all the hard work that I’ve put in lately.  Why not? It’s a nice drive, the weather is good, I get free food (if my previous points haven’t expired) and it would be good to get out of the house.

Interesting thing, perhaps the Witchy side of me at work, I decided to pick up some incense with at Smokin’ Joes.  Looking through the selection, I always get sandalwood, my favorite.  But I wanted something different for a change.  I picked up 10 sandalwood, 10 jasmine and 10 patchouli.  I was curious to see the properties of the incense.  I was surprised to learn that both jasmine and patchouli have money attraction or wealth associated with them.  So before I head on my road trip, I have some burning.

I do have to caution myself.  In the past I had a gambling addiction.  In the last nine years of my sobriety, it’s popped up here and there.  But I’ve become more responsible as time grows. I limit the amount I take and leave all cards at home.  I can’t go wrong!

The car has gas, the tire pressures are good, oil checked and I’m excited to go.

It would be nice if the Gods blessed me tonight!  If They don’t, I’ll still have a good time.

Getting Off the Rollercoaster

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

“Please stay seated as the cars enter the terminal. Once the train comes to a complete stop you may depart. Please enjoy your day.” The last week feels like I just got off another rollercoaster. My Sponsor and I, despite what he believes right now, aren’t exactly on good terms. I’ve turned into a workaholic lately, partially because of my own selfishness and other times its beyond my control. An ongoing relationship with an incarcerated individual finally came full circle; karma kicks his arse – again. Yet, through all the ups and down this week, I truly believe my future will bring new beginnings.

A post this week, A Short Fuse, I wrote about my relationship with my Sponsor. Despite what he believes, I don’t think that this relationship is salvageable. Here we are full circle again, a rough time in the relationship and I feel I just need to get off. It’s just not healthy for either of us.

I’m become a workaholic. Monday I worked 3 p.m. to 7 a.m. because a third shift employee called in unable to work. In that case, I was mandated having no other choice but to work a full shift. However, once you are mandated for the week, typically you are free to choose otherwise if it happens again. Last night, two employees called unable to work on third shift. I had already started working at 12 p.m. at the request of my Director of Nursing (DON) and another employee left at 9 p.m. to return at 4 a.m. to relive me. Only she didn’t show up at 4 a.m. nor did she show up at 7 a.m., as scheduled. Thus, I worked a 19 hour day (12 p.m. to 7 a.m., if I’m doing the math right?) However, I told them I would NOT be working this evening, which was granted with no questions asked. I need rest before I get as sick as some of our residents recently.

I ate my McDonalds (breakfast, lunch and dinner) on the couch, I passed out at some point only to wake up to the loud, pounding of drums from the downstairs neighbor. It’s not his fault; he can only assume that I work a normal 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. shift. So I’ve been up a couple of hours doing little things before I head back to work.

Not surprisingly, I received a letter from my friend who is incarcerated in an Upstate prison. I haven’t heard from him in two weeks, yet the last time we spoke I knew that bad things were brewing in his corner. As he wrote me, “It was a matter of time before I got sent to the box. Now I’m here until May 15th.” Apparently, he was involved in an altercation. Again, a good thing for both of us. I knew he was reverting back to his old ways which would eventually lead him to this situation but he ignored my warnings. It’s nothing I can control. It provides me a breather from the exhausting communications via phone that were beginning to get out of hand.

I asked for this. I prayed for a period of peace for myself to take care of myself. Now I can. Though I have worked long hours, the funds are helping to secure a new home closer to work in the near future. For those of us working during Storm Stella, we received an unexpected bonus last week. I was also reimbursed for my hotel expenses. There is the overtime pay too.

The 30 inches of snow laid down last week by Stella is almost non-existent due to warmer temperatures and recent rains. Spring is beginning to bring about change. A change I’m looking forward to in my life. The rollercoaster has come to an end.