Category: Personal

A Short Fuse

On By mikeykjrIn Personal3 Comments

I have short fuse: annoyance, frustration, then anger just keeps building up until I blow like Mount St. Helen’s. It’s those many defects of character I work on a daily basis I can’t seem get under control. In the past, I reached for the bottle because I kept those feelings tucked deep inside. Since then I learned tools to deal with them in an appropriate manner but many times I react before I think. The end result is disastrous – always.

For instance, here is a situation I am currently struggling with. I tend to make promises I can’t keep. It’s not intentional. People don’t seem to understand my schedule as a CNA change change on a whim.

Monday I had to work a double (3 p.m. to 7 a.m.) because I was mandated. My employer required me to work at risk of being fired if I did not. This is not something I choose to do nor I agree with nor something I can control. This is common in the nursing field; we can’t just leave our jobs until we are relieved by another person.

I had made plans with this person before I went to work on Tuesday but had to cancel. Tuesday morning I receive a text with a smart ass remark, “I figured that. You have to get your 10 hours of sleep. Tomorrow will be another excuse.” I was flabbergasted.

What I wanted to do, right then and there, was rip off his head and shit down his throat. Seriously. After working a 12 hour shift, after a three day weekend, after the previous weeks fiasco with Storm Stella? I thought it was unnecessary, uncompassionate and not understanding of my situation at all.
I didn’t respond nor have I responded to additional texts, as if nothing happened at all.

Part of me just wants to end the relationship or at a minimum take a break. The other part of me wants to attempt to talk to him. Problem: He is my Sponsor. I know him well enough, he’ll just turn this around on me, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

I vowed to NOT write about him in this journal, yet over the last couple of weeks, he keeps popping up.  Every now and then, we get to this stage in the relationship, we take a break for a couple of months, then repeat the cycle.  I don’t know if I should get off the merry-go-round or just grim my teeth and bare it.

Part of me feels a life long debt to him.  The other part of him wants to throw his hypocritical, selfish, self serving, insincere, sorry ass to the curb. **SELF:  Temper, Michael. Temper.** On the other hand, perhaps it is time we just part of seperate ways.

Any comments, questions or concerns would be appreciated.

What happens when your relationship with your Sponsor is no longer healthy for either of you?

What A Sponsor Does for Me

On By mikeykjrIn Alcoholics Anonymous, PersonalLeave a comment

My Sponsor and I have known each other for over nine years now. We have a strong relationship. As mentioned, after receiving my nine year medallion, he is one of three people who saved my life. He’s been there, night and day, through my “growing pains” of sobriety, thus I am eternally thankful. However, there are times the relationship feels as if I’m about to jump off a cliff; the relationship doesn’t seem to be working. Yet, there are times, like yesterday, when I’m reminded why he’s my Sponsor.

After an exhausting week at work, due to Storm Stella, the plan was to stay at home.  With my job as a CNA, I don’t have a luxury of two days off together. Three days off, like this weekend, is exceptionally rare. I wanted to make the most of it getting things done of my ever growing personal to-do-list. But my Sponsor always seems to put a dent in my plans.

This is the part where I feel the relationship is no longer working.  At the age of 76, I’ve noticed an increasing number of signs attributed with his age.  He tends to be very forgetful, yet insistent he’s always right.  That in itself just drives me nuts, as I just grind my teeth and bare it.Over the years I’ve known him, I have learned he can be a hypocrite.  Another annoying side of him. Lately, he’s become needy and dependent on me.  Every day off he “suggests” I come help him with tasks he should do for himself.  Of course, I indulge him, only regretting my decisions every time.

But there is another side of him – the reason he’s my Sponsor.  While his suggestions can become numerous, he’s typically spot on. For instance, I haven’t been to a meeting in quite a long time.  Yesterday, he made the strong suggestion I need to attend more meetings. Part of me struggles accepting his suggestion, while the other part of me knows he’s exactly right.

A while ago, I made a commitment to attend the noon meeting at a local church daily to myself.  I made it a couple of times, then just stopped going. Excuses: I was to busy having more important things to do; I wasn’t getting any messages for myself there; it was a waste of my time. Then almost every day, I ridicule myself for not going. As I look back, selfishness rears its ugly head putting me on the pity pot. Houston, we have a problem!

But the more I think about it, my Sponsor is right. I need to get involved going to meetings to share my experience, strength and hope.  I’ve seen to many people go down that road never to return again. It’s my experience meetings are an essential part of your recovery – it is a must and should not be ignored.

Therefore, I need to get back to reality. I need to stop thinking and just DO it. That is why I have a Sponsor – to give me a reality check and help me keep my sobriety in tact.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Survivor of Storm Stella

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Storm Stella

This week was a long, exhausting week for me. Storm Stella decided to dump an unprecedented amount of snow in parts of the Northeast. Particularly in Binghamton, NY, where I happen to live, we got over thirty plus (30+) inches of snow. While I escaped the worst of it, I have my own tale to tell since I was stuck at work all week.

Monday night / Tuesday morning there wasn’t but a few inches on the ground in Ithaca, NY.  I couldn’t get up a hill, so I ended up parking in a garage and walking to work.

After work I trekked back to the parking garage. I was annoyed the attendant was trying to charge me when I was told by my employer there was no charge since there was a state of emergency and I was an “essential employee”. Eventually leaving without paying anything and a scowl from the attendant, I almost got my car stuck in a snow bank because the hotel didn’t plow their lot.  I ended up parking a block away in front of someone’s house.

Wednesday morning I received a call asking to report to work.  The Administrator ended up coming to get me.  I was going to pay for another night but my boss offered for me to stay at “the cottage” (our training center). During lunch, the maintenance guy and another guy passing by had to help push my car out of the snow drift. Checked out of the hotel, brought my car to work and finished a 16 hour day (7 a.m. to 11 p.m.).

Thursday morning, I reported to work at 7 a.m.  Since I was working on my day off, I would get Friday off and was already scheduled to be off for the weekend.  So, I got a three-day weekend! Worked until 11 p.m. again.  Finally drove home and passed out from exhaustion.

During the week I learned of the 30+ inches of snow dumped in Binghamton.  Wow, I haven’t seen this much snow since I lived in Michigan in the 1970’s!! Some two lane streets are literally only one lane. Pedestrians are walking in the street <—- annoying!! Most of the corners of the streets are now blind corners, you can’t see either way unless  you risk inching out and getting hit.  Cars are still buried everywhere. It’s a mess but I’m glad to be home!

Here is a graphic of how much snow Binghamton, NY has received this year along:

0315_bgm_snowfall_11pm.jpg

Now I get to enjoy a three day weekend!

Daily Meditation Routine

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The program of Alcoholics Anonymous reminds me in Step 11:

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Honestly, I haven’t followed through with this in years.  Excuse:  I don’t have time.  Today, I made a major change in my life.  I made time.

At 12:00 p.m., I have started a routine to start meditating on a regular basis. There is a meditation highly recommended by others to start: Tree of Life Spoken (Guided) Meditation for Grounding

Already I see the benefits.  My blood pressure was 126/82 when I started.  Afterward it dropped to 117/72.  Perhaps this is a missing link in my life I’ve been searching for.  Letting my mind wander, then grounding certainly clears all the crap I’m already thinking about.  I definitely feel different.  Now it’s all gone, I’m more relaxed and ready for the day.

 

 

Asking for a Push

On By mikeykjrIn Personal2 Comments

Since the beginning of my sobriety in December 2007, I have lived in Binghamton, New York.  I have grown to dislike living in a town/city even more than when I lived in Southern California in active addiction. Now, with my employer fifty six miles, an hour and a half drive on back roads, in Ithaca, New York, it’s time I look for a new place closer to work.  Lately, I have asked my Higher Power/The Universe for a financial push to help assist me in finding a new home closer to where I work and a little more.

Living in Binghamton while working in Ithaca has its benefits. My rent is really low compared to other places in Binghamton.  Both Binghamton and Ithaca cater to college students, so rent is astronomical in both places.  Many of the amenities I need are also right around the corner. It’s quiet on my side of town with an occasional incident here and there.  The landlord isn’t the best (getting things fixed is always a pain) but is more than understanding when times get rough and I can’t pay rent on time (only a few times in the last six years I’ve lived here).

The are some major issues living so far away.  As mentioned, it takes me an hour and a half to get to work.  There are no shortcuts.  I have to travel backroads (either North than West or East, then North). This can be a challenge when the weather doesn’t cooperate, especially in Winter. Therefore, at least three hours of my day is sitting in a car dealing with stupid drivers, scared wildlife, bad weather and unmaintained roads.  This is taking a toll on my car in maintenance, as well as the cost for gas.

Yet moving close to work has its benefits and issues.  The standard of living is much higher.  For instance, my salary is higher than any place in Binghamton, much higher.  Obviously, with the higher standard of living, all my expenses are going to increase.  Thus, I have vowed not to move to Ithaca proper but to one of the outlying areas where rent and expenses are not as expensive.Its hard when you have expenses like a car payment, student loans and other debt.

Perhaps this is selfish but I’ve asked my Higher Power for a very large financial push. I have dreams like anyone else.

For instance, here are a few things in life I would like:

WillseyvilleNYHome.jpg

This house is “calls” to me every day as I drive by going to work. It’s a vacant house in Willseyville, NY. It’s under $100K but needs a lot of work. Recent taxes around $500/yr.  Off the road, in a nice nook, on Route 96B. Neighbors are not encroaching, the side of the mountain as a backyard, the front of the home is off the road. It just needs a wood fence from prying eyes surrounding the backyard. This house is perfect!

2016-Toyota-Tacoma-TRD-Off-Road-4x4-1012-876x535.jpg

Got to have a decent truck for those rough Winters. A 2016 / 2017 Toyota Tacoma 4 X 4, paid in full.  Insurance would be an issue but I’ve accounted for it.

Just those two things and enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life. Enough money to wipe the slate clean of outstanding debt (that I’m paying from my addiction days) instead to put in a retirement fund. An emergency fund for the home, car repairs, insurance costs, etc. I’m a few years from fifty with no savings what so ever. Of course, a little vacation money if the need arises too. Is that asking for to much?

I’m patient. It’s selfish to ask for it all at once and now.  I know that my HP, Universe and/or the Gods will provide for me when I can handle it.

 

Events a Year Ago

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The beginning of March 2016 was not a particularly joyous occasion. I was working at a local medically supervised detoxification center. One morning my employment was suddenly terminated. Part of me was raging inside, while another part of me was scared. Yet when the dust settled I found happiness in another career.

Before my sobriety in 2007, I didn’t have a career. I had worked in a dental insurance company for ten years when my addiction crashed those dreams.  I worked for American Express for another three years, then they laid me off.  Afterward, I jumped here and there in various customer service oriented jobs for a while, laid off again and again. Not long after, my addiction consumed me to the point of hopelessness.

Between December 2007 and 2011, sobriety opened my eyes to new opportunities. Sobriety has always been the top priority of my life. But I also had a passion for computer science, so I finally got a degree in Computer Science Information Systems.  That was just a waste of my time and money. I finally made a decision to become a Certified Alcohol and Substance Abuse Counselor, as I began my work at the local detoxification center.  I guess in retrospect “that just wasn’t the right job for me”.

Many people saw my determination, good listening skills, time management and passion for helping others. A past co-worker, a LPN at the detox center, and I discussed working in the future as a nurse. I didn’t investigate her “suggestion” until my termination from the detox center in March 2016. I am now glad that I did.

In September I was offered to attend a Certified Nursing Assistant training program with the potential for employment under the condition I passed my New York State CNA exams.  I did this in November of 2016. Since then I have enjoyed and loathed the new career.

I enjoy the residents I care for on a daily basis, just as I did for those in the detox center.  But again, I loath some people that I work for, as well as, my employer at times. At the detox center, it was like having a meeting for five days, eight hours a day. However, as recently experienced, I no longer have that “crutch”, thus “you [I] have to adjust your sails”, as my Sponsor recently pointed out.

Why did I start his career in the first place? It’s not who I work with or whom I work for that is important. It’s for the residents; the elderly with some type of mental disorder (a majority with some form of dementia) who can’t take care of themselves. I put my feet in their shoes every day.  It’s a sad state of what some of our elderly population may have to go through in the last years of their life. But it’s the reason I become a CNA in the first place.

Like the detox center, after a couple of years, I am going to get tired, doing the same thing over and over, I’m sure.  It’s just inevitable. I may go back to school for my LPN or RN but at almost 50, I’m not sure.  Now is not the time to make those plans.

With a new career, I am faced with new issues in my life.  Actually, I call them lessons I haven’t seem to learn from my past that keep creeping up. I need to tackle and resolve these issues. Perhaps that is the plan my Higher Power had for me this whole time.  I just need to embrace it.

But today, as I look back a year ago, I can only be thankful for events that transpired. A year ago, I thought I was stuck in a profession that didn’t have very many opportunities. Today, I have my foot in the door to a whole host of new opportunities just waiting for me in the years ahead.  For that, I am thankful.

Back to Normality

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My mini-vacation was a breath of fresh air. My Sponsor and I went to visit his brother in Orange County, New York.  They have a large recovery community which I look forward to every time we plan such a trip. It’s nice to hear new ways people are handling their own recovery.

On our ride to Orange County, there is nothing by small towns in the valleys of large mountains.  As we twist between the giants, all I can think of are questions never to be answered. Who once lived here? How long ago?  What did they do? What did it look like back then?  Oh how I would love to live in a house in the middle of no where with nothing by a river flowing below me and the thick forest around me. Perhaps one day my dream will become a reality? We always stop in Roscoe, New York, half way between home and our destination. “Trout Town USA” it’s labeled.  According to the 2010 census, 510 inhabitants that live around the Willowemoc River that flows right beside State Route 17. It puts me at peace that such beauty still exists in this world. Once we hit Monticello, New York, we thrust back into reality as the merging traffic from the north and south impede on our travels.  Eventually we get to our destination.

Recovery meetings are typically in the morning, afternoon and night.  We just missed the afternoon meeting, so we typically take a nap but a quick storm pushed through with high sidway winds, buckets of rain, tornado warnings west of us and a really nice lighting show. The rain hadn’t let up as we walked across the street to our meeting.

As mentioned before, the meeting formats and styles are different.  This evening was an anniversary meeting – one lady with 20 years of sobriety, the other gentleman with 26 years of sobriety. There was a speaker afterward with just four years of sobriety. I left the meeting inspired. Sunday, the cold temperatures returned.  We attended a meeting in another town close by, one I had never attended yet.  Here we introduced ourselves, our sobriety date, as well as “how you are doing today”.  The topic was gratitude.

When the chance to speak got to me, I wasn’t sure what I was going to say, so I just opened my mouth and let things happen from the heart.  I explained “I don’t do this enough and I should. I thank my Sponsor today for saving my life not once but twice.” First, nine years ago when he offered to take me through the Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and continues to be with me today.  Second, a recent incident (as already explained here) where I had a very strong fear of drinking, something I had not felt so strong in my nine years of sobriety. My Sponsor thanked me later for my kind words.

Then it was over and we were heading home. I was looking forward to watching the NASCAR race.  In Roscoe, New York, we stopped at the local diner for coffee and a donut where they had the festivities of the NASCAR race on TV. Another hour and we where home.

I haven’t been following all the new rules with NASCAR this year.  Apparently they have split the races in three “stages” giving points to drivers on their abilities during the race.  Dale Jr (#88) started in second position but due to a crash was eliminated after his 5 minute “crash” pit stop because he couldn’t maintain a speed of 160 mph when he got back on the track.  I turned off the TV later to return to find that Chase Elliot (#24, Jeff Gordon’s old number) was leading the race.  Earnhardt was talking to Chase giving him tips earlier and it appeared he may even win the race.  Unfortunately, another driver “pushed” him out of the way in the last couple of laps of the race. I watched the race to its end. Oh well, there is always next week.

Now it’s Monday and it doesn’t feel like a Monday. Unfortunately I have to return to the mundane normality I call “life”. Sadly, I can’t wait for Thursday to get here, my next day off, so I can do the things I was suppose to do yesterday after the race.  I ended falling asleep early and I’ve been up since 8 a.m.  This is going to be an interesting day.

 

A Reprieve – Mini Vacation

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These days it is very rare I’m able to travel out of town. Typically I have sporadic days off.  Those change like the wind due to staffing issues at work.  I took the opportunity to “request” this weekend off some time ago. Thankfully I’m able to travel out of town to my Sponsor’s brother’s home near New York City. Trips such as this gives me a reprieve from the monotony found in my own recovery community.

Like my Sponsor, his brother has over 25 years of sobriety. His brother is also a very active member of his recovery community.  Whenever we have a chance to visit, he ensures that we receive a warm welcome back.  Many times it’s as we never left, though it’s been at least six months since (my) last visit.

The differences between our local meetings and my Sponsor’s brother’s meetings are like night and day.  For one, they have 100’s of  years of continuous sobriety, whereas at local meetings there are only a couple of meetings where “old timers” attend. Second, meeting formats are completely different.  For instance at many meetings you say your name, “I’m an alcoholic” and your sobriety date. This is not for boasting but an indication for new comers if they work their program, long term sobriety is possible.  Unless it is a “Young People’s” meeting, typically those with less than a year of sobriety are encouraged just to listen.  In other words, you don’t hear about someone with a couple of months of sobriety relapsed yet again and again, yet they can spout their “knowledge” of how the program works. Hence the reason “old timers” where I’m from typically have meetings elsewhere.  Don’t get me wrong, my community does not shun a new comer.  However, when we see the same people come in and out of the program, again and again, hearing the same thing like a broken record, I just want to stand up to say, “Shut up, sit down and listen.  Obviously you don’t know anything.”

Their recovery community always has special events.  There is always a local workshop, recovery activity (baseball, basketball, softball game) or someone is throwing a sobriety anniversary party.  While my community tries, many times they fail. For instance, a gentleman owns a home on a lake who throws a picnic three times a year:  Memorial Day, July 4th and Labor Day. Everyone brings something, so there is never a shortage of food or non-alcoholic drinks. The workshops are amazing.  Very good topics, speakers due to large attendances and good planning.

Jealous?  Yes, yes I am.  Since my first attendance “down State”, I have dreamed my own recovery community could become such a strong community. It will never happen.  The commitment to almost anything is slim to nil. It’s unfortunate. But I’ve realized that I play my own part in my recovery community doing the best that I can for those that care to listen.

Basically the trip is one giant vacation for me. Something based on recent events I desperately need right now. Despite the impending weather (heavy rain, thunderstorms, wind and afterward cold temperatures and possible low accumulation of snow) we are committed to make this trip happen today. It’s a four hour drive. We stop in Roscoe, New York for a break (coffee and a donut and/or lunch) getting there for the afternoon and evening meetings.

I haven’t been this excited in a long time. Even when I get back there is another reward!  The 2017 NASCAR season starts tonight. I couldn’t ask for anything more 🙂

 

A Recap – Where I Am Now?

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A week ago I was in a dark place.  For the first time in nine years of sobriety I was afraid I was going to drink.  My job, as a Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA), is always stressful when taking care of the elderly. Many have dementia compounded with other mental illnesses and health issues. However, I have come to “walk in their shoes”. The issue was my employer:  staffing issues, miserable employees, management problems and the fact I’m the only male CNA in the facility. I felt alone, was verbally warned by my employer “to pick up your [my] pace” and I almost just threw in the towel with the job, as well as sobriety. However, the last week, I reflected my part in the whole situation and thank my Higher Power for getting involved.  There is no other explanation.

After calling my Sponsor and talking to unexpected ally at work, I went to bed sober Wednesday night.  Friday, I knew something was stirring at work.  There was something in the wind that just didn’t feel right.  I was given a warning by my employer for my job performance. Despite the lack of cooperation from my co-workers, I knew I had to do something quickly.  I kept to myself and got my job done.

Sunday night rolled around.  A rumor was going around the Director of Nursing (DON) was stepping down.  The supervisor on my shift was accepting the position.  A co-worker, who is now an ally and a recovering addict, and I talked about his possibility just the night before.  Right before our eyes it was becoming a reality.  Monday, it was officially announced. Suddenly there is a change with my fellow co-workers.  There were suddenly nervous, as I have never seen them.

Sunday night, I pulled a double shift, working 16 hours.  The new coming DON had already filled one shift herself, she couldn’t get anyone to come in early nor come in at all, so I volunteered. Overnight shift is just me, myself and I besides a charge nurse. I have more freedom, can get things done quickly, however there is a lot of downtime I sit twiddling my thumbs.  Monday morning, a co-worker graciously offered to stay until 5 p.m., so that I may get a couple hours of extra sleep.  Now that is teamwork!

I was looking forward to a day off on Wednesday.  As expected, they called to ask me to work, “Michael, you can refuse.”  The Assistant DON, who was calling, then threw in, “I can give you Friday off, so you have a three day weekend.”  Accepted!  Hell YES! When I came into work, the Assistant DON said, “Thank you for coming in.”  For the first time, I felt it was a genuine comment.

In addition, I have started to attend a local ‘nooner’ meeting.  Just a couple of days, thus far, due to my schedule changes.  But I think I’m going to make it my temporary home group (until I move this Summer) and attend it daily.  There is a lot of sobriety and I heard a lot of good messages.

My Sponsor and I are texting, as he is checking in with me.  I apologized for yesterday since it was suppose to be “our day” to get together to discuss recent events in person.  He says, “It’s been smooth sailing because you adjusted your sails.”  I added, “With your help and my Higher Power, yes!”

I’m looking forward to my three day weekend.  Saturday and Sunday, my Sponsor and I are going to visit his brother who lives near NYC.  They have a large recovery community with hundreds of years of sobriety (literally).  The meetings there are a little different from local meetings and it will be a nice change to return since July 2016.  Sunday night is NASCAR night for me too- Daytona 500 !  Dale Jr qualified 2nd, so this might a good start to a new year.

It was rough but I got through it!  Today I am thankful to AA, my Higher Power, my Sponsor, those following this blog, as well those blogging about recovery.  Everyone gave me hope and kept me strong.  Thank you all!