Category: Personal

Entitlement of Guilty Pleasures

On By mikeykjrIn Personal5 Comments

Right now I’m feeling guilty, as I always do, because work called to ask if I could fill in a shift because someone called off.  Typically I would but this weekend is different.  I haven’t had a weekend, a two-day weekend, since Oct 2016.  Like everyone else, I’ve worked my six days straight last week and the week before, so I’m entitled to my own guilty pleasures.

There is a Polish proverb, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” Few words but a strong message. In the past I would jump at the chance to work for various reasons.  One, the overtime pay. Two, a hope that in the eyes of others I’m appreciated.  However, from past experiences, as well as current, I know the later is never the case. People always make promises but never keep them.

Honestly, I’m not guilty for saying, “No, I can’t work for you.”  I’m guilty because I threw in a lie.  I said that I was having dinner with a friend who has Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer.  She is a college friend who I haven’t seen since her diagnosis years ago.  We’ve tried to make arrangements to see each other but things always come up. This was the truth – I do have a friend with Stage 4 PC and again she cancelled due to her daughter’s recent illness.  So here’s my excuse, it’s not a full fledge lie, just a fib or sorts.  Does it really matter?  I shouldn’t have given details anyway.  A firm, “No” would have sufficed.

Selfishness comes to mind, not only for myself but for those that called in and those that are asking me to work.  We all have our own selfish reasons.  We’re all tired of working extra hours because we know our c0-workers just don’t want to work, as they rarely have a valid reason for not coming to work.  Facebook proves it (which amazes me everytime).  Don’t call in work, then post on FB, “It’s party time!”  Idiots.

Many co-workers have families with young children.  I’m sorry but that excuse is getting old too.  I understand it feels like children grow up quickly and you want to spend every waking minute in their lives.  But you have to work to support your children.  You also know damn well that there are times, like now, that you have to work.  You are working in the medical field.  This is typical anywhere you work. Just accept it.

For once, I’m going to enjoy two days off.  Ideally, I didn’t want to think of work at all but I knew that the call was coming.  Everyone knew that people were scheduled and wren’t coming in.  So why didn’t they fix it then instead of waiting to the last minute.  At least have a backup.  Oh that’s right, they don’t think OUTSIDE the box, just right past their own nose.

See picture above.  I’m done.  Back to my guilty pleasures.

 

 

 

 

A Bump On A Log

On By mikeykjrIn Personal2 Comments

There are times, typically several times everyday, I criticize myself for my own laziness. So what is holding me back?  Procrastination! I give myself 1000+ excuses finally coming to the conclusion, “I can just do it tomorrow.”  Right now, I just don’t have the motivation to do anything, for a variety of reasons.

For instance, my home is a complete disaster.  Obviously, I’m exaggerating.  It’s not like I’m a secret hoarder or have cockroaches running around. Or am I? [An example of my bad sense of humor].  No, I don’t.  But I want this, that, this, that and this done. I literally have a running list in my head categorized by room.  The list just gets longer instead of shorter. It’s frustrating.  After almost ten years here, I accumulated so much stuff and I need to just simply throw out. But I can’t even do ONE simple thing.

On a day like today, when I work, there are two or three hours to myself before I have get in my car for the hour and a half ride to work.  After an eight hour shift, I’m back in the car for the ride home.  Typically I sit my fat arse down in front of the TV watching late night television.  Fit in eight hours of sleep **quickly doing math**  and I have TWO HOURS A DAY left.

I have days off, typically twice a week.  But they are sporadic; never the same two days off nor two days in a row (an ideal weekend).  I haven’t had an ideal weekend since October 2016.  I joke with people, “My schedule changes like the wind.”  Literally, every day I have to check the schedule.  On many occasions it has changed without my knowledge or I’ve agreed to work such days weeks ago, yet forgotten.  But I’m a trooper getting to work early and working as scheduled without an argument.

Something has to change – soon!  Again, I say that but I’m so tired these days, I don’t have any motivation to do anything.  The new schedule came out at work – wait, what, seriously? I have a weekend in January and I have two days together off at the beginning of February.  YESSSS!  It just can’t get here so enough.

Have Some Cheese with the Whine

On By mikeykjrIn Personal2 Comments

Caution:  Rant forthcoming . . .

If you don’t like people that whine – DO NOT read this post.  On the other hand, if you’re a recovering addict, or would like to have a glimpse into my mind, by all means pull up a chair for a LONG READ.  This is ME talking to MYSELF but posted for those that are interested.

I’m bitch, crabby, frustrated, angry and down-right pissed off at the world.  But a DRINK(s) is not going to solve my problems.  I will do my best with the tools of life that I’ve been given.  Hopefully, if you do read this in its entirety, an example of how a recovering addict deals with life.

My previous career, working in the chemical dependency field as a Program Aide in a medically supervised detox center, abruptly came to end in March 2016.  But I saw it coming and didn’t do anything about it.  I was simply burned out and didn’t give a rat’s ass (I let my mouth run amuck), so I was terminated.

It turned out to be the best decision (for both parties), just the wrong way of doing it.

In September, after the recommendation of fellow nurses that I worked with, I was accepted into a Certified Nursing Assistant’s training program.  At the beginning of November 2016, I passed the New York State exam and received my license.  I promised myself no matter what happened I would not repeat the past.  Oh, I try – every day.

Knowing I’m the lowest one on the totem pole I’ve accepted a few things.  There is a terrible staffing problem on my shift (almost, if not all, the 3 – 11pm staff was quit or been terminated). From what I’ve learned, this is the norm.  I worked Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Day 2016.  Accepted, I’m new.  The gossip among employees is just extreme as I’ve seen in other employers.  I expected to get treated like crap by fellow co-workers.  Yup, that happens.  Management, umm…, let’s just not go there.  Along with a whole list of other things.

Scheduling is madness.  The last two weeks I’ve worked six days out of seven, each week.  New Years, I volunteered – my bad.  A old habit of feeling guilty for fellow employees.  This week, I wasn’t even asked, just scheduled.  I haven’t had a full weekend to myself since the Stone Age. Lastly, I won’t be able to take a vacation until after a full year of employment.

Lately, my mouth keeps opening instead of staying shut.  But like many, “I just don’t care.”  Honestly, (sorry for the cliché – “I would if I could, but I can’t . . .) leaving should be on my agenda but I’m just four months in a new career with a new employer.  I enjoy my job and the residents.  I am NOT going to let management, fellow employees or certain circumstances ruin it for me.

But I’m also not going to be quiet about it.  I can’t and I won’t.  There is no point to bring up issues to the “higher ups” because, honestly, they don’t care.  Been there, done that, nothing’s been done.  It reminds me of this saying, “doing something different, yet expecting the same results” – the definition of INSANITY.

So, it’s a very difficult time for me.  No, I’m not going to drink.  What is that going to solve?  These issues are going to be there in the morning, the day after, many more moons after that.  I remind myself of various slogans, “Let it Go”, “One Day at a Time”, the Serenity Prayer – 1000 times a day, “Let Go, Let God (or in my case, my Higher Power), as well as a host of others.  But those aren’t the answer.  Then the light bulb goes on . . .

You need a f**king meeting!!  Honestly, I haven’t been to one in a couple of months.  I know – I’m calling the kettle black.  I preach all this sobriety knowledge and don’t follow my own advice.  But here I’m going to throw EXCUSES.  There are not many people that have long term sobriety in this community.  Since working in the recovery community I know a lot of people, so meetings tend to be a waste of time.  Another EXCUSE – the weather sucks.  It’s sleet/rainy, the roads are slick, so I can’t travel out of time. I’ll figure something out even if its local.  I need a meeting.

OK, I’m done.  I guess I needed to get that out.  Feel much better . . .

Now to find something to do (i.e. read a book, clean up clutter, etc.) to get my mind off this crap and get me in a good mood.  Perhaps take a nap, then go to a meeting later tonight.  I don’t know.  I’m being a lazy SOB because I deserve to be today.

5 Signs It Was Time For Rehab (Regardless of How Much I Was Drinking)

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

After reading this post, it brought me back to the day that I started my journey in sobriety. Our stories are very much the same. I wish more addicts who are also bloggers would share their experiences.

Sam Dylan Finch's avatarLet's Queer Things Up!

In seven days, I went from being sober for eight months to sitting in a chemical dependency center after a relapse, being evaluated for a potential outpatient rehab program.

I remember the bitterness and resentment that I felt as I exhaled into a breathalyzer until it clicked, sitting motionless as the nurse asked me what I meant by a glass of wine – big glasses? Small glasses?

I remember saying repeatedly – to anyone that would listen – that I couldn’t be an alcoholic because comparatively, I didn’t drink as excessively as an alcoholic should (whatever that means).

And no matter how many times I was diagnosed with a substance use disorder or gently told I needed help, I’d stamp my foot and insist that getting drunk with some regularity didn’t make it a problem.

And maybe it doesn’t. But there were a hell of a lot of other red…

View original post 1,366 more words

A Mouse In a Running Wheel

On By mikeykjrIn Personal4 Comments

In the past, I’ve been complimented on my tolerance of other’s behavior. Lately, I find that I have less tolerance each day. The behaviors of everyone, including myself. It has been months since I searched the Big Book or the 12 & 12 for some advice.

Some days it is so hard to just bite my tongue. It feels like the fuse is lit to an atomic bomb. It starts with one, then another until I’m boiling with frustration and anger. Through my own personal experiences I learned to do something quickly. However, some days are better than others.

Here are a few passages that put things in perspective while also giving me a solution. The Big Book reminds Us, “We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look at them as sick people (70) . . . Love and tolerance of others is our code (84)”. The 12 & 12, reminds Us, “Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellow actually means” (92).

For example, before I even leave town just driving to work gets me unsettled. Pedestrian traffic is typically non-existent. But I always find that ONE pedestrian who just pisses me off. They want to use the cross walk at the wrong time; they think it’s clear to cross, my side turns green, yet I wait for them to cross while people are honking their horns in frustration. Other times they cross the street instead of walking to the corner stopping the flow of traffic like it’s New York City. But these feelings are reduced when I drive through the countryside on my way to work.

We all work in environments where some people just get on our nerves. My tolerance of my fellow co-workers is another issue. Every day, I start work with a clean slate. Yet it only takes a few minutes before I’m back where I was yesterday. No matter how hard I try to leave it at the door when I leave work each night, it’s just not easy. Unfortunately, talking to anyone is a waste of my time. A change of job was suggested, however no matter where I go in the medical field or another profession, this type of environment is not going to change.

This is what exhausts me each day. I see how it wears me down during the day. My forgetfulness of what needs to be done at work rises because my frustration/anger side tracks me. I feel guilty because I broke yet another promise made earlier in the day. There really is no way out. It’s like being a mouse in a running wheel for the entirety of my day.

Same shit. Different day.

Struggling w/ cravings

On By mikeykjrIn Personal2 Comments

Thus far, I have counted three cravings already this morning.  This is typical for anyone starting recovery.  It’s been my experience working with other addicts, as well as my own experience, typically day four and five can be the worst for cravings.  I know that “it will get better” as time passes.  Still, I’m struggling right now.

I delayed putting on my NRT or nicotine replacement therapy (AKA – the patch) this morning simply because I was lazy.  It was when the first urge hit me I suddenly reached over for the box and a pair of scissors.  But the urge was over by the time the patch was applied.

The trigger that is causing these cravings is my frustration with the WordPress.com site.  Typically when I become frustrated, upset and/or angry, I tend to smoke.  But in the few hours that I have been on this site, I’m starting to get the hang of things.  Thus, my anxiety(?) has decreased.

But just a few minutes ago, it was like my brain flipped a switch; it felt almost like an out-of-body experience.  I was suddenly in another place almost unable to control myself.  Literally,  I had to stop what I was doing, hold the desk and snap myself back into reality.  UGH.  My mind and body wanted to get up, put my shoes on, get in the store to get a pack of cigarettes.

Those are moments that I need to do something else.  I’ve been at this computer since 9 a.m.  I should have lifted some weights and be in the shower.  Guess I’ll have to skip weights today, hitting the shower now because the more I spend writing the less time I have before I have to leave for work.

 

 

Lifestyle Changes

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

Yesterday, the only urges I had to smoke were at home. During the drive and at work I didn’t think about it at all. But the struggle continues . . .

Right now, the first thing in the morning or during my morning routine, is the time when urges are the greatest. Like people say, “Find something else to do with your hands. Change things around. Do something different.”

A fitness program is something I would like to start for 2017. For now, I’m going to do some weight lifting, just right and left curls for now. I feel like there isn’t time to do anything after I wake up. I’m to respectful to my neighbors to do anything in the middle of the night when I get home. I have thought about a Planet Fitness membership. When I come home, I can simply pop in there for an hour or two a day. Then again, I’m moving.

Didn’t I say this is the year of NO EXCUSES. Okay, working on it. I’ll figure something out.

The latest issue is the hole in my exhaust on my car. It’s horrible. Right now I don’t have the money; I haven’t even forked over rent yet. I already slipped by two Tioga County Sheriffs yesterday on the way to work. With the holiday over, perhaps their presence (and that of NYS Troopers) will diminish. I know that its only a fix it ticket but I don’t need the trouble.

I still worry that the alternate side parking ticket that I fought with the City of Binghamton to get a court day is all screwed up. I haven’t received a court date so I don’t know if it’s been written off or I should continue waiting. That’s another issue that I don’t want to stir waters in.

Made first work rant entry private . . . Honestly, I need to make a decision to stay or leave. The gut tells me to leave respectfully, thus I should do it rather sooner than later. Still chewing on it.

Another issue that I struggle with is “not enough time”. For instance, in a 24 hour day, I work 8 hours, travel time is 3 hours, I sleep an average of 7 hours which is a total of 19 hours already gone. I can account for two hours after I get home and go to bed, three hours in the morning before I go to work. I just don’t have time to really accomplish anything. My next day off isn’t until Friday. The last couple of days, my body tells me that I didn’t get enough sleep. Last night I actually went to bed early. I felt like I went to sleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke up in a terrible mood, as if I hadn’t sleep at all. Since I get home at around 12:30 a.m., I try to go to bed sometime between 2 a.m. and 3 a.m. In the morning I typically wake up at 10 a.m. Okay, let’s just be honest with myself. This whole schedule things is really f**k’d up. I need to seriously consider this when thinking about staying at my job or not and/or moving now sooner than later.

I need to relieve some tension (life weights), take a shower and get ready for work . . .