With a new term at SNHU coupled with the stress at work brought me down to all new lows. Tuesday, I had a scare which brought me to a painful decision but I have no regrets. I looked deep inside to find out why I was doing what I thought was the right thing when in reality it was perhaps not the best decision at all.

As mentioned, a couple of times I was struggling with classes in college. After spending 12 hours on night on pre-calculus alone I put everything aside to take a real deep look at what was going on. Why was I back in college?

My whole family graduated with degrees. Mom had her nursing degree, Dad graduated with a business management degree and my sister graduated with a degree in child psychology. Once again, I felt like the outsider of the family. The black sheep who was different from everyone one else. I felt this ‘expectation’ to get a degree to ‘better my life’. Honestly, I was just lying to myself.

But I tried to make things work as my stubbornness kicked into high gear. On the other hand, my body said – no f**king way!

Tuesday night I experience another episode. I just didn’t feel right. Something was going on physically but I tried to convince myself everything was okay. It was just stress. Perhaps I need a quick break. But I didn’t have the time. Suddenly I could feel my heart racing like it wasn’t ever before. I took my blood pressure: 187-104-87. Holy crap…I haven’t seen those numbers in decades. So I got on the phone with an emergency nurse, we talked and she suggested I drop everything I was doing and immediately rest, then call the doctor in the morning. Did so, actually taking a nap, then called the doctor. They had a cancellation, so I was able to be seen within a couple of hours. Reported to the office with a blood pressure of 172-97-65. I ended up talking to my doctor and someone else (I’m not even sure what she was). We basically talked about stress and living a healthy lifestyle. After the conversation, I cried but it made all the sense in the world. I had to slow down before I had another stroke.

By now I’m sure you know what I had to do; I had to made the hard decision to withdraw from SNHU.

It may have been the best decision to save my life. By the time I got to work the next day, I actually got a compliment at work, “Mike, something’s changed. You don’t look so stressed out.” It was true.

What it comes down to is I was living in this expectation to get that degree. Look, I’m going on 50 years of age. I have health issues due to my alcoholism – high blood pressure, high cholesterol, depression on occasion, etc. I also don’t like in a ‘big city’ nor do I have any intention of moving back to one. Is it really likely an employer will look at my resume after college, with no experience in the computer science field, at age 50 (everyone knows they DO take that in account), living no where near a metropolitan area with (currently) no transportation and says, “We’d like to make you an offer…?” Don’t think so.

I just makes sense, at least to me. Now I’m back to taking care of myself and I feel much better about it.

No regrets.

I’ve woken up in a nasty mood. After working on an English assignment I found many discrepancies but haven’t heard anything back. My neighbor invited someone back in her life, so here we go again. I feel like I got screwed because of the holiday next week, so I’m working an extra day. Part of me feels it’s just me being stupid.

Despite the working conditions I’m dealing with right now, I came home in a relatively good mood. I keep trying to tell myself, “Just go in, do what you can, go home and be done with it.” It’s worked well so far. But underneath it all, I must be lying to myself. Why can’t people people just work together to get things done? I must be living in a dream world. Reality – no one gives a rats arse about the next person. It’s sad.

Planned on coming home to complete an English assignment for the week. As I’m reviewing a writing plan of a peer, I went back and forth with an Announcement sent out and the actual instructions for the assignment finding discrepancies. In the Announcement, it stated we had to respond to TWO PEERS writing plans. Well, dammit, my oversight. Yet, in the actual assignment, it specifically states, “You will respond to one peer…”. In addition, the writing rubric and grading scale only mentions ‘peer’, not ‘peers’. Am I attempting to call foul on a technicality? First thought which came to my mind was my Sponsor, “You just have a problem with authority, so you try to pick everything apart to your advantage. Character flaw? Further instructions state to use 4-6 to answer questions, download MS Word doc, then repost in discussion. But I don’t have access to the 4-6 lesson? WTF. Two emails sent to the instructor but I’m not sure if it’s my English or math instructor who is Jewish and takes Saturday off for Sabbath. I respect that so I sent an email to a peer reviewing my work. I haven’t heard from either. Part of me blames myself for waiting until the end of the week when I should have started the assignment earlier in the week. However, I have accepted the idea I can just turn it in late with a 10% penalty. Thus far, I have A’s on the rest of my coursework, so it shouldn’t be a big hit to the rest of the semester.

Throughout the day I’ve heard, “F..[this], f..[that]” from a person my neighbor has apparently invited back in her life. It’s been peaceful downstairs for the last month or so. They ended the relationship because she finally ‘saw the light’. A week after, he totaled her car in an accident, so she had to withdraw from her 401K to get a new one. Now he’s back annoying as all HELL. Woke up several times because of his loud obnoxious, yelling obscenities. Is that the reason for my bitchy mood? Lack of sleep and disrespect from the jerk downstairs?

Lastly, I should be, at least in my opinion, looking forward to a three day holiday. My two days off Monday and Tuesday, then Wednesday off. Those of us on third shift get it off for Thanksgiving having to return to work to prepare for “Black Friday” on Thursday evening. At first I was scheduled for Wednesday night, which after review the boss said, “It’s funny because you were the only one in the store scheduled that night.” When he switched the schedule he had me off on Monday and Wednesday. Then in another conversation he decided to change it to Tuesday and Wednesday with me working Monday, a sixth day this week, to have the forty hours for the week. Yet, I assumed we all have three days off, two regular days off and the third paid day off. I guess I am wrong and I’ll just keep it at that.

When I step back and take a look in I’m not sure what is going on. I’m surprised it’s week four of the term, halfway to the end. There have been some rough patches but I’m pulled through thus far. Work is work – that is never going to change. Why do I even car about my neighbor?

Wait a thought …

Having I been living in a glass house and someone threw a stone?

Don’t know if that makes sense to anyone but it does to me. In the end, I have to trust things will work out in the end. Perhaps this is all about acceptance?

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life —unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

p. 417, Acceptance is the Answer, Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous