Thoughts on My Mind

On May 8, 2019May 8, 2019 By mikeykjrIn Discussion, Personal1 Comment

After writing here yesterday, a few things happened which are on my mind and even more things are stuck in my head. The purpose of this blog is two fold. First, this blog is for myself to write things down. In effect(?) putting them on paper so I can deal with them – using Step 4 or Step 10, if need be. Secondly, showing how my program of recovery works to others. It really falls back to the AA Preamble and Step 12.

Oh goodness where do I start . . .? First, if anyone has comments, suggestions, concerns or thoughts, I am always open to ANY. I don’t take things personally. I’m learning in my own sobriety through other people’s experience how things works, so “suggestions” are always welcome. With that, here we go.

WARNING – THIS IS A LONG POST

Now I think about it, perhaps I should put each of these as one post each instead of a GIANT POST. Thoughts?

Sponsorship

First, I will never disclose what I talk about with those I sponsor, as it should be. However, I don’t think I’m crossing a line when I write about what is going on with me. Here is such a case.

As mentioned, I have someone I sponsor. While I have experience in my past, I don’t want to repeat it. To make necessary changes so it does’t happen again, I apply the “honesty, open-mindedness and willingness” principles.

As I look at those past experiences today, I can say I was NOT a good sponsor. Not because they didn’t stay sober. Instead, I really didn’t do what a good sponsor is suppose to do when you take on this responsibility. Instead of thinking, “I got this . . .” This time I’m going to be working closely with my Sponsor taking his suggestions. Lastly, I’m willing to listen to those suggestions and try new things. Only through this process, in my own experience does this process work.

Typically a new sponsor guides this new “protege” as he/she was taught by their sponsor. I am willing to do the same. When I met with my sponsor, I shared where I have been, then he did the same. It was only after that, when we have a common connection, did we move forward with reading the Big Book line by line starting with the Preface.

In the meantime, the person I sponsor has been speaking to me daily. We all have issues at the beginning. I didn’t know how to live a sober life. That is what a sponsor is for – to help another alcoholic guide you and point you in the right direction.

Codependency

As this process continues, I noticed some codependency issues starting to emerge. Codependency to me is like the role of a care-taker. Instead of focusing on myself, in my past I went to any length to ensure those I sponsored had a needed everything no matter what the cost to me. It was a relapse just waiting to happen, which it did in the end. But I had to go through that experience. I’m grateful I did because today I’m more aware of those destructive codependency behaviors.

I’m involved with a local Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) which meets weekly. Again, I was grateful for the meeting later in the evening. Another point to be made – if I’m willing to receive messages from my Higher Power, I just have to listen. In the meeting, I discussed my concerns, we did the readings and BAM – there is was in print, yet again. My solution – let go of my past! When necessary talk to other codependents about your past and ask your Higher Power to relieve you of your past mistakes. Simply, let it go!

Al-Anon

Right after my CoDA meeting is another AA Big Book Study meeting. Last night we read “To The Wives” from the Big Book. I didn’t plan on speaking because I don’t have an experience. But someone brought up how this chapter was the starting point for Al-Anon. Oh – I have experience with them!

When I had four to five years of sobriety in my past I was enrolled in a chemical dependency degree program at a local community college. The chairperson and professor of the core class – Chemical Dependency I (first year) we were required to attend various “fellowship” meetings. One term paper at the end of the semester was all about what we learned.

The professor is a member of AA, I knew well. She knew me and my experience in AA. She brought me aside after class one day saying:

“Michael, for the final project paper, I want you to do something different. I know you have knowledge of AA and NA. I don’t want that because you won’t learn anything. I would like you to seek other fellowships, whether its Al-Anon, Codependents Anonymous, Over-eaters Anonymous, SMART recovery meetings, etc.”

I told her I would seek Al-Anon, Codependents Anonymous and SMART Recovery. She warned me certain groups and/or members of Al-Anon are NOT receptive to recovering alcoholics in their meetings. Learning from my sponsor, I didn’t set expectations.

I went to a local Al-Anon meeting which was in an office next to an the auditorium which we held our local AA meetings. Struggling with myself – do I want to really do this, should I do this, I have other options – I reluctantly sat down and introduced myself. But I lied.

The first thing out of the chairperson’s mouth to start the meeting was, “We are family members who either had or live with an active addict in our homes. Therefore, if you are in recovery yourself, we ask that you leave as this meeting is not meant for you.” I was shocked – what discrimination, right? Do not judge, I thought. So I kept my mouth shut and listened.

Halfway through the meeting I started to cry. I cry openly these days. When there was a pause between people sharing, the chairperson asked, “Are you okay?” I said, “Yes. But I lied to everyone here. I’m a recovering alcoholic.” There weren’t moans or groans, no eyes rolled, no huffs and puffs. I was asked to continue sharing, thus I did.

My experience at that meeting was one of the most humbling experiences in my sobriety. I know what I did to those around me (or as I know refer to it as ‘what I thought I did’). In all honesty, I didn’t realize the magnitude of destruction I may have caused to others in my own active addiction. This experience brought me a better understanding of the pain and suffering those around me went through when dealing with me in my active addiction.

Crossing a Line

I’ve brought up before I’m really working on my codependent issues. In my past, I watched people fall and I was there with a shovel to scoop them off their ass back on their feet. Not today. I can’t force sobriety on someone else. At the same time, if I know someone is struggling, I have to let them live their life, yet be supportive when and where I can. I can’t save them.

I live with two other guys who have problems of their own. I have been there to support them but I have not gotten involved – period. Right now, the roommate who wants to move in with me after our completion of this residential program ( now at the first of next year) is in a really bad place. Not only myself see it, our other roomate is concerned (who is very codependent himself – again, I stay completely out of it) and many of our friends in recovery ask about his welfare, “Where is X? I haven’t seen him in meetings? Is X okay?” I can only say, “I saw him walk to the bathroom today, so I now he is alive and breathing. That is all I can say.” I leave it there.

But it’s been three days. He has not gone to a meeting. All of his time has was spent in his room with his door closed. He usually cooks at night which he didn’t do either. His anger is increasing as things crash here and there with “F******K”. The very few times we have spoken, we speak very little if anything at all. Everyone knows the issue he is going through – a failed relationship.

Update quickly 10:30 am:
Actually there is a bit of a change because he’s sitting right next fixing his bike. He went somewhere (an appointment) came back, started to joke with me about where I’m going this afternoon (another post for sure). But when we ask, “Are you okay?” Grunt – complete shutdown. UGH!

He and I share the same sponsor. I’m been asked by others in the community to speak to our sponsor because they are concerned. But I’m conflicted as to where or not I should. Part of me feels like a scapegoat for the others who don’t have the balls to talk to our sponsor themselves. Even though I can tell them, “Tell him yourself.” I doubt anyone has done it. Yet, part of me feels an obligation because my roommate at this point has completely shut down. My sponsor may already know this. The question is, do I even cross the line? Really I don’t have an answer, so I’m going to ask my Sponsor anyway.

Update 4:30 pm:
My roommate came out, made a smart remark to me, out of no where, which I ignored. My other roommate just came home is hungry so I asked this one, “Are you doing to make dinner or do you want X to make dinner?” Response, “I don’t care.” Another question from me, “Do you want to eat now or later?” Response, “I don’t care”. Now I’m disappointed because I thought he was better than this? **head to desk**

18 Years Sober Living in a Halfway House

Perhaps I shouldn’t write this but I’m making the choice to do so. No I’m not taking this guy’s inventory. What this gentleman is doing is not only harmful to himself but to others. Mr. XYZ recently arrived at the halfway house from rehab. Honestly, I don’t even think he’s been here a month or just over a month. He’s really testing my tolerance, pity and patience.

At our anniversary meeting, where medallions are handed out for milestones in recovery, he stands up to pick up his 18 year medallion. Usually there is clapping when someone picks up a medallion. Not for him. We were all shocked and many of us just shook our heads. That’s right “18 years alcohol free”, his words. He’s at the halfway house “because of drugs” which he categorizes as “x months free from [this drug] and I relapsed on pot that’s why I’m here.” He said that openly the other day at yet another meeting. I thought the chairperson of the meeting was going to lose it! When he’s at a meeting and the chair asks for “people willing to sponsor” he raises his hand. I just learned today that THREE people at the house, all brand new to recovery are under his wing. Seriously? Oh, I have major issues with his complete disrespect of how the program(s) should work. Again, practicing tolerance, pity and patience. Also, what do I do? I don’t know – I ask my Sponsor.

Two New People to Sponsor

So while writing this I went to a noon meeting. Two of the guys from the halfway house, both at the same time, asked if I would sponsor them. I said “Yes” because I believe my Higher Power would not have put these people in my life unless I was ready. However, in the future, I am going to have to decline because three on my plate is going to be enough to juggle.

Drug Court

Lastly, when I was sober before working in the chemical dependency field, I had heard so much about Adult Addiction Treatment Court (aka “Drug Court”). I found that these sessions where public so I ended up going to a few, out of curiosity, not to judge anyone. Another eye opener. How could I not judge when people were telling a judge one thing and I knew another. Wow, the balls these people have. Sad really. Ok, I am judging. Today I went to a local DC. Same experience. Despite what I think, they will get what they deserve in the end. It’s not my decision, it’s not the judge’s decision, they are only doing it to themselves. I pains me to see these people who are given a chance under the strict circumstances to change their lives, yet STILL they don’t take the opportunity they are given.

AA’s literature “How it Works” partially reads:

” . . .Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with
themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.
Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book, Chapter 5 – How it Works, pg. 58

Conclusion – I Swear!

As I look back at the above, perhaps there are things I need to work on just a little better, perhaps not. Yet, right now I feel all these things are happening for a reason. Perhaps I’m meant to go through this to learn “how to” or “how to not” handle these situations in the future. Obviously I failed in the past, otherwise I would be where I am today. I feel better writing them all down here. They are out. Now I have to take action whatever that action might be.

Just Today

On May 7, 2019 By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings, PersonalLeave a comment

In Alcoholic’s Anonymous we talk about, “One Day at A Time”. That phrase kept me sober for a long time the last time. I have been living such since I began my new journey. Sometimes, as of late, I get overwhelmed with sobriety; I feel like I’m doing to much. But my past experience shows me if I get farther away from AA, I will drink. Again, another slogan, “Keep it Simple” comes to mind. Here is an example.

Yesterday is written in stone; I can’t change what happened yesterday. Tomorrow is not here; anything can happen tomorrow, whether I want it to or not, so why worry about it. When I concentrate on just today, what I need to do to stay sober, life tends to run more smoothly.

Last week, my Sponsor and I completed Step 7, Step 8 and Step 9. Step 7, I did alone, asking my Higher Power to “remove shortcomings”. For a long time I didn’t know what it meant by “shortcomings”. I later learned, it simply means those defects of character (on Step 4) that can be removed quickly. I trust my Higher Power will do that, when I’m ready, while other defects may take longer, even a lifetime. Step 8, I made my amends list based on my list in Step 4 (moral inventory) and talked with my Sponsor about how I was going make my amends to such people. Step 9, making those amends, may not happen all at once. It may take years or they may never happen and I may have to find an alternative way (“a living amend”) to make such amends.

If you’ve been following me, I use the following analogy to explain the steps:

Think of the 12 Steps as a house; we are relearned to rebuild our lives. Steps 1 through Step 3, is our foundation; if we do not have a solid foundation or there is a crack in it, our house is going to fall down (relapse). Step 4 through Step 9 is like building a new frame, getting new plumping and electrical, etc.; we have looked at our part in our past, recognize we have faults (defects of character), but are willing to “set things right” (amends). Lastly, Step 10 through Step 12, we put on a new roof, fill our house with new things (new behaviors) and open the front door for others to come in (sponsorship and helping others).

With that in mind, I talked to my Sponsor about sponsoring others. We both felt confident at this point in time I was ready. Our recovery community is small with a halfway house, so those willing or who can sponsor are extremely limited. The point is I would not be only helping myself but helping others which ideally is in part what Alcoholics Anonymous is all about – “Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety (AA Preamble)”. Lastly, once I put that out there, I already have an individual to sponsor.

The “community” has asked that a person with six months sobriety or more chair meetings. A majority of those with long term sobriety attend meetings in surrounding areas but do occasionally, some regularly, drop in but they have no interest in chairing the meeting. Then there are those who have more than six months, who just don’t want to chair meetings – period. It’ s becoming a regular schedule for me to chair, on average, of four meetings a week. Unfortunately, I can’t get any relief. Two groups are part of my home group (Wednesday and Saturday), one group I started two months ago (Friday night) and Sunday night people tend to insist if no one else runs it, I do it even grudgingly. However, it honestly gives me time to sit, listen and reflect (relax in a way) of where I’ve been and where I am now. In a way its my time out but can be overwhelming responsibility if I let it get to that point.

We also had a local AA District business meeting this past weekend. I volunteered for two positions. The district website and the registrar. Neither are overwhelming, if I choose not to overwhelm myself. For instance, the website hasn’t been updated in a while. My own selfishness wants to bring everything up to date. Really? If anything, what are two things most important to a person who visits an AA website? One, a list of local meetings. Two, local recovery events. In all honesty, the rest of the information on the website doesn’t matter to most visitors (it shows in the statistics). There is no need to overhaul or change it – this is what “I” want to do, my own selfishness. Instead, I need to concentrate on being useful to others.

*** Break time – went to meeting and guess who chaired – LOL **

The point to my whole rambling is as an addict I could complicate all this like the cliche, “Making a mountain out of a molehill”. It is only through my experiences, if I do can become insane. Instead, I take one thing, one day at a time. What really is important is my sobriety today? Keeping things simple in my life instead of living in a chaotic mess. With that comes much gratitude. I can enjoy the little things in life – my new freedom and happiness.

Weekend in Review

On April 29, 2019 By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

This weekend had its ups and downs. The weather was, normal for New York, odd. It was sunny, rainy, windy, damn arse cold and there where a few snow showers with no accumulation. Sunday, as posted, wasn’t as hard to get through after going to meetings and keeping myself busy. However, on the way home my roommate decided to (finally) disclose his decision to extend his time in this residential program. Right this moment, I don’t know what I’m going to do in the future, so I’m going to explore my opportunities a bit while I have time.

Over the weekend the weather in Upstate New York was all over the place. We woke up to nice sunny mornings in the mid-30’s Fahrenheit. Despite the rather chilly temperatures, sometimes it was comfortable outside for just a minute until the wind picked up. It definitely wasn’t wearing shorts weather more like put get the winter jackets back out (hopefully for the last time). On Sunday, it was a combination of all three: sunny, windy/blustery, rainy, damn arse cold and a few snow showers. I wrote on FB, “Mother Nature and Father Winter must be having an argument right now. It’s sunny, rainy, snowing, windy and damn as cold out!” Can we just have a comfortable Spring before the “hot days of Summer” are thrust upon us, please?

Knowing Joe’s one year anniversary of passing was coming I tried to prepare myself for whatever feelings may come my way. Can you really “prepare yourself”? Not really. After a meeting and writing my post in this journal it helped. My Sponsor and I talk about it too. I told him, “You must remind me of Joe. I miss him so much.” Honestly, I think I really needed all those crying sessions.

There was an area business meeting of General Service Representatives for AA. I’ve been attending the meetings because our GSR for several groups I help as chairperson has been out due to a knee surgery. I keep hearing about a Registrar position open and I also wanted to know about the local website. Finally, I got my chance to talk to the DCM and Treasurer. A vote next month will determine if I become Registrar and the Treasurer has put me in touch with the person responsible for the website because it needs updating and such. There are two reasons for this decision. One, I have to much of my free time. Two, I want to get involved at the area level with my computer related skills because there is definitely a technological gap with those in the this area. On on hand you have old timers who like everything on paper, yet younglings (in the halfway house) who prefer to find all their information on their phones. Perhaps I can be the bridge which brings everyone together?

Lastly, before I head out to my meeting with my Case Manager in my residential program this morning, my roommate, who I had plans to get jobs and move out of the program in August, has done a right about face. Honestly, I heard bits and pieces during our Easter visit with his family but he finally disclose his decision to me last night. So my question for my CM right now is – what are the specifics of continuing to live in this program (i.e. “x” amount of time, jobs, college, etc.)? I’m not sure if I should get a job, move out or go back to college for my Bachelor’s in Computer Engineer / Computer Science.

I also want to ask him about the CRPA (Certified Recovery Peer Advocate) program. My treatment Counselor stated they (the residential program I live in) sends people already to Syracuse to train for such a program. Really? After all the discussions with my CM about the CRPA and his interesting in me working for this company when I “graduate” or finish the program, he didn’t mention anything like this to me? Perhaps, I need to ask the right questions?

Lastly, Monday’s are just a busy day for me: CM mtg at 10:00 a.m., “AA Nooner” at 12 p.m., Residential House Mandatory Mtg at 1:30pm then Big Book Study at 8 p.m. At some point I need to do a few other things like apply for FAFSA for this term, if not to late, research colleges, local jobs, etc. So, Monday’s I do one thing at a time.

Have a great day everyone!

Easter 2019 – Back in Time

On April 26, 2019April 26, 2019 By mikeykjrIn Memories, PersonalLeave a comment

My roommates Mother, and sometimes his Aunt, come and visit on a regular basis. A few times they have asked me to come to dinner, drove us to sober events in the area, etc. Last weekend I was invited to their homes for Easter. The whole experience reminds me how our Higher Power brings people into our lives for a reason, if we choose to believe such things. The experience brought me back in time reminding me where I had been and where I am now.

I was nervous about going. Back in the day when actively drinking between 2004 and 2007, Candor, NY, was my “stomping grounds”. I was later reminded of my friends GW, CP and “Griff” who I had not thought of in more than a decade until now. These were “my three best friends”. All extreme alcoholics, two with extensive criminal backgrounds. At times I thought, would they recognize me or what happens if I see them? As much as I could I tried to put those thoughts out of my mind.

As we headed for Candor in the early afternoon, all I could do is stare out the window. I just love the peace and serenity of country living. The other two were having a conversation in the front. I usually call my roommates Mother by her first name. She insisted, “..call me Mom. It’s okay. You’re part of our family now.” She asked about my past, how I had known “Griff’s” family and my experiences. As I told her I was transported back in time when I would be riding in the GW’s car down the country roads and through the “back hills” to get to our destination. Both of us drunk, with cans of beer between our legs mostly likely heading somewhere to get more beer. Our thought was you can’t always visit the same place otherwise you’re considered an “alcoholic”. As we finally drove into town, I felt a relief. No longer was I the person which used to live here over a decade ago.

After we got settled in their house, Mom drove us to a meeting in Owego, NY. The last time I was in a meeting in Owego, NY, was Feb 2018, right before my relapse. From July 2017 to then I had made meetings. After, I started making excuses, never to return and relapsing. As people filed in I began to recognize people. Shaking my hand John (an old timer at the meeting) said, “I do know you from somewhere, right?” I simply said, “Yes” leaving it there. I even saw another old timer from Binghamton who knew my old Sponsor when we all lived there. Knowing it was a “Beginner’s meeting” I was prepared to do a short share of my story and relapse experience. Halfway through the meeting I shared telling them where I had been and where I am now. Knowing the geographical area, many were amazed when I said I walked from Van Etten, NY, to Elmira, NY taking me ten hours to get there, walking into a facility straight off the street getting the help I needed. Hopefully I inspired the few newcomers that were there. You are NOT alone and recovery is possible.

Saturday night, I had trouble sleeping. I was flooded with memories of my old self. I kept coming to tears thanking my Higher Power for helping me become the person I am today. Eventually I woke up at 5:30 am and just went out to enjoy the sun rising. I had myself a deep crying session and I wasn’t one bit embarrassed about it. From that moment on, those memories subsided. Afterward, I was able to enjoy a relaxing afternoon with my extended family for Easter.

The whole experience just strengthened my commitment to my new journey in sobriety. I need never forget where I can from. Today, a few of the Ninth Step Promises are coming true, again.

The Ninth Step Promises
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
. . .
Big Book pages 83 & 84 Copyright © Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Facing Fears

On April 17, 2019 By mikeykjrIn Personal2 Comments

Recently I did a 4th Step with my Sponsor in AA two weeks ago. Most of my fears were things in my future which may or may not come about. After careful review, I let most, if not all, go. However, yesterday another fear developed after certain events with my roommate.

My roommate, the one that I might be living with in the future, decided to get into a relationship with a woman early in his sobriety. It went badly, not once, twice but a few times. The other day I found him still talking to her which in turn as made him extremely grumpy and angry. He conveyed to me, “I’m a piece of shit, I hate myself.”

For myself, I had to learn to put up a boundary regarding their relationship early on. I spoke to both of them individually telling them of my own experience of such things. I left it there letting the relationship fall apart in pieces but was willing to be there for either if they needed someone to talk just to listen.

Yet, something has changed my roommate into a very angry person. An angry I have not seen in him ever. Yesterday, he got so angry in the afternoon he took a chair and kicked it letting it slide through the dining room. Immediately I put myself in my past and got scared myself. Last night I wasn’t able to sleep but off and on thinking about my possible future with him.

Today, I need to talk to him about what’s going on. Though he might not like it, I need to convey my fear to him. He scared the shit out of me. Honestly, I don’t want to be around that type of person at all. My past has taught me to simply run from any verbal or physical altercations. I don’t have any desire to live in such an environment.

On the other hand, I have gotten angry myself but didn’t take it out on others. Yes, I was definitely a whining, complaining, miserable a-hole. I admit it. It wasn’t until I sat myself down, looked at my part and let it go because those around me didn’t deserve such treatment. I didn’t need to experience it. But through this process I’m learning not to take it out on others around me. It doesn’t mean I’m perfect. I have to give him the same respect.

Part of me doesn’t know what to do, so I’m going to talk to my Sponsor today. Honestly I haven’t seen my Sponsor at meetings in the last two days so I need to check in with him anyway. But I need some “suggestions” on what to do in this case. I don’t and can’t change my roommate; I acknowledge my roommate is going through something and I have already said I’m willing to listen if he chooses. But we have plans, moving in with each other and he recently invited me over to his mother’s house for Easter this weekend. My fear now is that both things may not happen. I can tell myself all I want I’ll be disappointed if things don’t happen but I know differently. I’ll be angry too over something I have no control over and it’s going to be hard.

Perhaps I need to stop projecting what may or may not happen while just letting things happen. If our future plans don’t happen, so be it. It may be for the best; it may be what my Higher Power wants because perhaps I’m not ready in my sobriety this time for such things to transpire.

Despite my lack of sleep I still woke up in a relative good mood. I’m not going to let other external things take it away. I’m starting to enjoy my new freedom and happiness.

It’s okay to say, “I just don’t know.”

You Are So Annoying…

On April 14, 2019April 14, 2019 By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

This is absurd. I don’t know you and you don’t know me and we are not having this conversation at all. You are rude and uncouth, and presumptuous, and I am leaving now . . . You are so annoying. !
Titanic (1997)

I love this dialogue from the Titanic movie (About 2 minutes, 30 seconds). That describes the start of my day. Only I wanted to commit murder! First thought, wrong thought, right?

I was awaken by a knock on my front door at 7:45 am. A ~~douchbag, scum of the earth~~ (**cough**) neighbor knocking on the door asking for a cigarette, again. He proceeds to ask, “Oh did I wake you?” when I’m dressed in no shirt, sweatpants and no glasses. My mind, “WTF, do you think I’m trying to start a new fashion trend? F**k off! Instead, I politely said, “What are you doing? No I don’t.” Then for the next minute of two I had to endure is lightning speed apologies up and down. While he is in the same residential program I am, it’s common knowledge the guy, who just got back from detox, is hooking up with another neighbor for drugs. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do but say, “Please don’t ask again, ever.”

Now I’m pissed. I’m a person once I wake up there is no going back to sleep. I didn’t go to sleep until 3 a.m. because I was enjoying playing my game in silence for once. Since I had a book to return to the library, I took a walk. By the time I got home I felt much better. So I started my morning routine. Doing so, I am reminded of the 4th Step of AA. I need to practice tolerance, pity and patience with people who are perhaps sicker than me. Sometimes that’s a tall order in itself!

On the positive side of life . . .

I received a notice from an app, today I am seven months sober. What? Holy guacamole! It seems like I just started this new journey the other day across the street. Honestly, I wasn’t sure I was going to survive but here I am working on myself, one day at a time.

Yesterday, I was asked to speak at a local rehabilitation center on Friday night. Despite my early sobriety, the person cleared it with the facility (before even asking me). As always, it’s an honor to share my experience, strength and hope.

As I look back in the seven months, I have worked on so much and changed in unbelievable ways. Though I haven’t done the Steps in CoDA (CoDependents Anonymous), I work on those issues daily. I’m more aware and take action to ensure I don’t slip back in those behaviors. Right now, my Sponsor and I are working Steps Seven, Eight and Nine. So hopefully today, if I’m not selfish playing my game, I’ll take a few hours to work on those Steps while the other two roommates are out doing their things today. Working with guys from the halfway house isn’t frustrating as it was in the past. I recognize I can only share my experiences and how I stayed sober in my past and today. The decision to stay sober themselves is up to them, not me. Lately, there has been quite a turnaround, so we have some new faces. There have been many disappointments, as others I had high expectations. It is what it is.

I can only keep myself sober today.

Moving & Stress

On April 5, 2019April 6, 2019 By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

Disclosure:
This is a long read. More of my own whining to myself of everything that happened during the month of March in regards to the move. Technically, I should put this on “private” but I left it open since no one specifically was mentioned, so I’m not breaking confidentiality. Read at your own caution.

Before I get started, here is the the amazing part of how a program of recovery works in someone’s life. I didn’t have one thought of drinking this whole time. While not noted here because it’s a daily routine I was always going to meetings, talking to my sponsor and/or talking to another alcoholic/addict. Today six months plus sober I still live, “One Day at a Time”.

The last week was a struggle dealing with a move from one apartment to another. The whole process of this move was a fiasco since its inception. It was just frustrating one step after another. The three of us aren’t content about the move but realize we really had no choice. Several decisions were made which we have no control and now we’re left to deal with them. However, there are definite lessons I learned from the experience.

At the beginning of April our old landlord visited saying, “I heard you guys are moving at the end of the month.” We all looked at other shell shocked. Our program staff made no mention of it to any of us. Further, I had just met with my case manager that morning. It immediately got my blood boiling, so I called to find out more answers. I had to speak to three people to get an answer. In other words only ONE person knew what was going on with “the move”. Then she proceeds to pass me on to my case manager because I was on tilt. I just hung up. Yes, I did and five minutes later I realized what I had done. I called back to no one answering the phone. So ideally I have an amends to make in my future. The next day we learn it was something in the process which just was finalized. So instead of letting clients know first, they let the landlord know. Ideally we should not be talking to the landlord anyway (confidentiality) but our roommate apparently has a good relationship with him. Our case manager apologized for the “way the situation was handled”. He gave us our final move out date as Friday, March 29, 2019.

Days or weeks later it gets worse. We learn our new apartment is not a three bedroom but a two bedroom. Before we moved to supportive living, we shared bedrooms in the “three quarter house”, so the point of supportive living was to get our own bedrooms. Thus, two of us have to share a bedroom – again. My freedom of having personal space suddenly taken from me with no consideration. Luckily for me, my now roommate and I have made plans to move our of the program in our own apartment before this process (in August 2019). A little inconvenience, so be it. However, to make matters worse, this new apartment was right across the street from the halfway house and the three quarter house. Instead of taking a step forward, I felt like I am moving backward.

The blows kept coming last week. Staff, almost every day, “You ready to move? Why don’t you have stuff packed up yet?” Our privacy in the old place was interrupted almost daily by staff about this or that. The old landlord had two potential renters himself who wanted to see the apartment, so we had to deal with him, “Clean this place up, made it look good. By the way I don’t want you in the apartment when I show the place”. Here we were moving week, I had purchased four plastic storage containers because staff provided, let’s just say not the ideal boxes to move (i.e. empty bulk paper towel boxes, soap boxes and others from a grocery store).

Two days before the move I happen to see another person of the program walking down the street who was also moving. “Hey Mike, you ready to move on Thursday?” He proceeds to tell me the move date was moved to Thursday instead of Friday. My roommate had just gotten back from his meeting with his case manager and wasn’t told a thing. He calls his case manager who proceeds to tell him, “Oh yea, something was said about that in the morning…..you know unexpected things are going to happen.” The morning before the Operations Supervision makes a visit before 8 a.m., “Good morning, is everyone ready to move.” I just left to take a walk and smoke a cigarette. She tries to prevent me from leaving and I just kept going. The thoughts in my mind were not appropriate for the situation.

Last week on the day of the move, Operations Manager pops in 8 a.m., “Everyone awake, the movers are going to be here in 30 minutes.” The whole time, we were suppose to be the last apartment to move because it was agreed we were much more organized so it wouldn’t take as long to move. Luckily we were ready. Then she stabs again with, “Tomorrow I want everyone here at 8 a.m. to clean the place. I’ll have a list of things I want done.” All I could think was, “Can you just leave…NOW?” Eventually the movers came, packed our apartment with our help relatively quickly in an hour. Then it was a waiting game. Four hours later, they are finally moving stuff back in our new apartment. My roommate and I had nothing to do all day but sit on a park bench waiting for the movers to get done with the other apartment. Apparently they had nothing packed or organized. I think after all said and done, we got settled at 6 p.m. or 7 p.m. We had to beg the Operations Manager to buy us pizza ‘cus our food was still at the old apartment.

Friday morning, I went down the street to smoke a cigarette. the Operations Supervisor yells across the street, “Mike, are you going to the other apartment to clean.” I mumbled something and kept walking. She’s lucky I didn’t say, “F**k off, [X]. Just leave us the f**k alone already.” As I’m sitting smoking my cigarette my other roommate comes to join me, his face red as a tomato. Apparently, the OM made it clear, we had to clean the old apartment by one o’clock, before she leaves for the day or there would be a consequence and we would be staying the weekend at the halfway house. In addition she expected the floors to be spotless, ‘I better be able to lick them…” At this point I had enough but I wasn’t going to get involved.

Fast forward to this week Monday. I was ready to battle with my Case Manager (who is also the Clinical Supervisor) about his staff. He and I have a good repertoire, so I know he would listen. At many points, he agreed with me, apologized, asked for suggestions, etc. But I told him it didn’t make a difference; there was no point. I know from my own experience these programs don’t care about their clients, which is very sad. All programs care about is money. Unfortunately my expectation when I got here was high, today I’m beyond disappointed because I feel like dollar signs.

Now it’s literally been a week since we’ve been here. We still don’t have a washer and dryer installed. But upstairs, the other residents that moved got their NEW appliances yesterday? It’s been a week since I’ve done laundry and now its going to be a whole weekend without washing clothes. We didn’t have trash cans either with four bags of trashing piling up outside so I took three of them from the halfway house. Anyone care? Nope. Lastly, we have a ant problem in our bathroom. Has anyone looked at it or taken care of it? Nope. All three things were given to my case manager on Monday to handle. His response when I asked him during the week, “Oh, I thought it was taken care of. I’ll check on it for you.” We say in the program, “You can’t bullshit a bullshitter”. Absolutely BS.

Moving from a three bedroom to a two bedroom requires some adjustments on everyone’s part. I respect my roommate but his lazy ass doesn’t wake up until he has to do something in the morning, if he has to do anything at all blaming his psych medications or a situation. I didn’t have to deal with it at the other place; our old address we had our own rooms. So I’m sitting out in the living room trying to get in my Morning Zen Routine, as I call it, and the other roommate now watches, “Trailer Park Boys”. In the old apartment he watched TV in his room. On that’s right, he hasn’t got someone to hook up his TV because he’s to lazy too. The past week I’ve felt like I’m walking on eggshells. Today, I’m just beyond it all. I get up, make noise if I must, get coffee, put the earphones on an do what I need to do in the morning. It doesn’t seem to bother anyone else.

I can go on and on with more whining but I think I’m FINALLY letting go of it all. What have a learned from the experience? Actually, as I look back, I’m learning a lot. Most importantly, I let all the small things pile up into a giant molehill which I have absolute no control over. I need to do what I’ve been doing for six months. Instead of drudging up the past getting myself “stuck” I need to make adjustments and move forward. In other words, concentrate of my sobriety, “One Day at a Time”. The chaos of everything outside of me is going to happen only if I choose to get involved.

Today I have three goals:

Breathe when things happen, not get involved
Stop whining, letting go of all bullshit
Just relax today, tuning everyone else out

Hopefully I can have a nice relaxing, peaceful weekend.

Practice what you preach

On March 5, 2019 By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

The inability to have a decent night’s sleep is starting to wear on my nerves. For the last couple of days I have woken up early, attempted to get naps in for the lack of sleep the previous night, only to wake up again the next day in the most awful moods. I referred to the pendulum and in a meeting a gentleman referred to something similar, “Life is like a roller coaster, sometimes we just have to ride it out.”

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone – even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame.
Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85

Unfortunately, yesterday was no different. Yes, I had attempted to start fresh, write a new page in my life but I guess my Higher Power had other plans. A bombshell landed in the early afternoon which set my short temper off like a firecracker and I have not yet recovered.

Early afternoon our landlord, who I’ve only seen twice since I’ve moved here, came for a visit. He proceeds to say, “I’ve been told you guys are moving out at the end of the month.” I was in complete and utter shock, then the blood started to boil and I reacted. (Problem 1)

I called out program coordinator who appeared to have no clue of what I was referring to, thus transferred me to someone else. When I talked to the next person, she gave me a direct, “Yes, your all moving at the end of the month, would you like to talk to [Mr. X] (the Clinical Supervisor)?” Without a thought, I reacted saying, “No, you can call Mr. X and tell him to call us!”. Then I hung up. (Problem 2)

My thoughts were running 100 miles per hour. One, I felt disrespected. The program I’m living in doesn’t have the courtesy to say, “Hey, we’ve made a decision to move you to here at the end of the month.” Later I learned They, “didn’t know how to approach us in a softer, easier way”. Seriously? Just the truth would have been nice. Second, I’m in a supportive living program to help bring a sense of stability to my life. Instead I feel like a herd of cattle moving from pen to pen. Lastly, they aren’t even going to bother to help us move except transport us to the new place. It’s their expectation, “We say move and you do the rest.”

My roommate attempts to put me in the right place. He reminds me this program doesn’t care about the clients. They just care about the money. The more they can cut corners the better it looks to corporate. It was just the other day staff disclosed, “Our budget for this year (2019) is already spent . . ” Yet, they keep telling us, “..if you need something, please let us know and we’ll get it for you”. Of course, I want to turn this on me, “You expected something different, Michael.” Yes, I did. But part of me cries out, “This has nothing to do with you Michael.” It’s all about Them! You just happen to be stuck in the middle; I’m just a piece on a chess board strategically being placed square to square.

My Sponsor agreed, been put in the same situation, he would be upset too. But he also reminded me to do a couple of things. Let’s address Problem 1. First, take a breather. (Actually this is a skill I completely forgot about used in my first sobriety until right now!) We, as alcoholics, tend to react in early sobriety. It’s just what we do because our brains have not been rewired entirely, yet. Instead of reacting immediately, wait 24 to 48 hours. Go to meetings, talk to your Sponsor, pray on it, bring topics up in meetings and talk about it in meetings and with other alcoholics. In summary, he reminds me there are probably more underlying issues we need to address then what is on the surface (Step 4).

Since I reacted instead of approaching it through another angle, I admit I owe an amends to the staff member I hung up on. Actually I called back a couple of times but no one would answer the phone (which was odd). Anywho….when the time comes, I will do it. My Sponsor reminded me, “Perhaps do it sooner than later. It’ll be better for you in the long run.” He’s absolutely right.

I love my Sponsor. Lastly, he reminded me, “Michael, you tell us in meetings when you get in your own head, you get yourself in trouble. Aren’t you doing that right now?” Again, he’s right. I’m being a drama queen.

Honestly today my plan is to attend two meetings (one at noon, the other at night) and just LISTEN. I have another appointment with my other treatment counselor in the early afternoon (I’m usually just direct with him answering questions). After this appointment I think I’m going to lay down for a couple hours for a nap. I never did get to watch a movie yesterday either. Hmmmm…..perhaps I’ll do that today/tonight!

I’m feeling better again. I hope I can maintain it throughout the day. Sometimes the hardest thing is walking the walk after you have talked the talk. In other words, “Practice what you preach!”

Turn to A New Blank Page

On March 4, 2019 By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

Time to turn to a new blank page; I woke up alive and sober this morning. My spirits are lifted after my morning prayer, meditation and daily recovery reading postings I do here. Today is my “busy” day running here and there, however I’ve already accomplished a couple of things on my to-do list. Hopefully I can keep the momentum going the rest of the day.

This last weekend was all over the place. I was a swinging pendulum. By the time I came home after a meeting last night, I was completely exhausted. Going to bed early last night accomplished my first goal today – getting enough rest!

As mentioned earlier, I’m continuing to work on my 4th Step – taking a personal inventory. Honestly I haven’t touched it sine Friday/Saturday. I’m not procrastinating. I’m putting little fires out here and there. Something I need to remind myself – I’m not a “fixer”. Self-care came up in the meeting yesterday – a message I needed to here.

After all my morning and early afternoon activities, I’m going to sit myself down and work on my 4th Step a bit more. Technically I have a treatment group this afternoon but I’m not going. Doing this is more important – period. There is a lot of “garbage” I need to get on paper. I’ve been waiting for this moment since the beginning of my sobriety. I need to keep moving forward.

Since the beginning of my sobriety, I haven’t watched a movie I enjoy (i.e. The Sound of Music, Willow, The Neverending Story, Mary Poppins, Cats (on Broadway), Mask (1985) with Cher, The Dark Crystal, etc.) My choices are endless. It just sounds nice to grab perhaps some ice cream from the local Byrne Dairy, or throw some popcorn in the microwave and relax a couple hours before bed tonight.

Don’t know. Just thoughts, not making plans. Whatever happens I’ll be happy with it.

As Phil Keoghan says on the Amazing Race, “The Race starts now . . . ” Off to start my new day. But no rushing to do anything. Things will happen when they are meant to happen!

Problems in the Inner Circle

On February 22, 2019 By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

Trust for a recovering addict is one of those hurdles they must overcome if they are to remain sober. We don’t have to trust everyone. Doing that, based on my own experience, is a detriment to yourself; I learned doing so only hurt myself. However, there are three people I know who will help when I’m having a roller coaster of a day in sobriety. I was shaken to my core, didn’t know what to do, took the tools I was given and used them.

I trust the two other guys I live with and we’ve developed a good relationship with each other. Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for better roommates. Here it comes . . . BUT! When someone crosses the line or breaks that trust, it can get ugly if you let it.

One roommate has people coming in and out of our apartment. While I respect it, there are times when it does get annoying, especially some who just don’t bother to knock, walk right in straight to his room. However, that issue was settled so we lock our front door.

The other day a friend of my roommate made a visit. This person we all know from the recovery community also knowing they struggle with their sobriety, half the time not being sober at all. To make a long story short, they were visiting my roommate, produced a bottle of alcohol and were immediately asked to leave. On the way out they slammed our door. We all agreed this person or any other who is under the influence is no longer allowed.

Not my circus, not my monkeys - Polish Proverb — Polish Proverb

This same roommate burn incense in the bathroom. Honestly, three guys living together, we all have our “blow up” moments. I get it. However, my experience also tells me something isn’t right. Is he trying to mask something else, like marijuana? I put that thought on the back burner. Trust. However, the other day, I went to take a shower. The fan is running, incense burning and I’m floored with the smell of marijuana. Really? Seriously?

As I’m taking a shower my head is racing at a hundred miles per hour. Do I confront him? Do I just “let is slide”? Do I tell staff? I consumed by anger, frustration, fear, worry, etc. I simply didn’t know what to do. Addicts are reactionary; addicts tend to react to situations instead of thinking them through. I sent a text to the roommate basically saying, “Hey, I know what you did/are doing!” Before I did anything other drastic, I called my Sponsor.

We, who live in a residential recovery program live by a double edged sword. On one hand, everyone is ideally (never happens) suppose to be sober/clean. On the other hand, we have rules telling us if we suspect use of illicit drugs we are responsible for inform staff, otherwise we may suffer consequences. It’s a situation all of us struggle with and debate with staff all the time.

My Sponsor gives me suggestions. Still allowing this thing to have room in my head, I decided to take a walk. There is meeting in an hour, so I can eventually get to it. As I’m walking I’m in connection with my Higher Power asking for guidance. Suddenly I realize I am literally lost! I had made a turn here and there, walked across the main road and walked into unknown territory. It was 11:50 a.m., this even started at 11:00 a.m., there was a meeting at 12:00 p.m. I had to view Google Map on my phone to figure my way to the meeting.

People rarely can tell my state of mind. Usually I get the, “Mike, why do you look so mad?” In reality, I”m happy as a clam. It’s facial expressions I haven’t been able to change since my disturbing childhood of neglect. People won’t know how I’m really feeling unless I specifically tell them.

An hour meeting, I sat in silence. Part of me wanted to shout what was going on but we all know, “..what is heard here….stays here” doesn’t always stay true in the rooms. Especially when half or more of us live in such close proximity of each other. I half paid attention to what was said, trying to hear a message. The other half was muddling what I was going to do about this situation. For a good twenty minutes or more, I felt like my body just wanted to get up and RUN. I was uncomfortable and I didn’t like it.

After the meeting, my other roommate and a friend walked to the store, so I tagged along. At one point my roommate asked, “How’s Mikey doing?” I responded, “I’ll talk to you later. I’m not good!” The part I left out is this roommate had no idea yet what I was going through because I wasn’t entirely sure to tell him because of things he is currently going through (depression and he was a “pot head”). He then recognized something was wrong, tried to use humor to brighten my mood but it didn’t work to well.

On the way back from the store I got to talk to my other roommate. He suspected the same thing. I asked him what we should do. We agreed in time, if our roommate is actually doing something, he will get caught and he’ll have to deal with the consequences. Once I got everything out in the open, I felt much better.

There was a lot I learned out of this situation. I will continue to learn as long as I’m “honest, open-minded and willing”. There are three people I have completely trust: 1) my Higher Power, 2) my Sponsor and 3) the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous (talking to another alcoholic/addict). We’re given tools in this program to use to help better our lives. I choose to use them!

The Wandering Enigma

Category: Personal