The Workaholic & Sobriety

The last few days of this last weekend were just exhausting. Friday I reported working early, doing an eleven-hour shift, while Saturday and Sunday I did two 16 hour shifts per day. Last night, I got a good nights sleep since I slept only seven hours the last three days. Why am I such a glutton for punishment?

One, I have no life. In reality, this has been true for many years now. While I have friends here and there, I don’t have anyone I can just hang out with. Now that I live in Van Etten, it’s even harder to visit those people. But I accepted that when I moved here, so I’m okay with my decision. I’m actually enjoying the solitude.

I have new expenses. My rent increased quite a bit which was expected. There are new bills to pay associated with my new home. So, most of the time I’m ordering “take out” for lunch or dinner. I have a gallon of milk, creamer, a can of cat food and a couple other things in my refrigerator. There hasn’t been time nor the money to get groceries. Besides I’m not home enough anyway, it would be a waste of time.

Despite the agony, pain, frustration and all the other feelings associated with any employer, I’ve always taken my employment seriously. I rarely call in sick and I don’t take vacation days until I get enough money set aside to take an actual vacation. Neither of those happened much, ever. Since I have no life and need to pay my bills it’s just become a lifestyle. A bad one really.

Sometimes part of me goes back to analyzing everything. Why do this to me? Why am I here again? Can’t I just live a normal life? Why can’t I make enough money to enjoy life? Yada, yada, yada. I use to reach for a drink in an attempt to make the voices stop. I have conversations with “my committee” still to this day. But somewhere in the conversation, the other parts of me just give up because I know picking up a drink is not the answer.

But I manage. Somehow, since my sobriety, I’ve pulled through some really bad times. I give most credit to my Higher Power and my ex-Sponsor. Even recently, with no Sponsor (as of yet), I’ve still attended meetings when I can. I talked to people about my recovery Both with those in recovery and those who are not in recovery. If anything, I’ve taken the time to vent here. Despite my crazy ass, workaholic lifestyle, I have still managed to stay sober.

 

 

 

DR – August 21, 2017

Daily Recovery Readings for August 21, 2017:

Daily Reflection

WE JUST TRY

My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive.

— THE BEST OF BILL, pp. 46-47

As long as I try, with all my heart and soul, to pass along to others what has been passed along to me, and do not demand anything in return, life is good to me. Before entering this program of Alcoholics Anonymous I was never able to give without demanding something in return. Little did I know that, once I began to give freely of myself, I would begin to receive, without ever expecting or demanding anything at all. What I receive today is the gift of “stability,” as Bill did: stability in my A.A. program; within myself; but most of all, in my relationship with my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“Here are thousands of men and women, worldly indeed. They flatly declare that since they have come to believe in a Power greater than themselves, to take a certain attitude toward that Power, and to do certain simple things. There has been a revolutionary change in their way of living and thinking. In the face of collapse and despair, in the face of the total failure of their human resources, they found that a new power, peace, happiness, and sense of direction flowed into them.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, We Agnostics, pg. 50~

Keep It Simple

Beauty is not caused. It is.— Emily Dickinson

Probably, there have been many times when we thought we weren’t beautiful. We thought we were ugly. We thought we were bad people. This is a natural part of addiction. Our program tells us we’re good, we’re beautiful. Do we believe this? Do we accept this part of the program?

Beauty is an attitude, just as self-hate is an attitude. We need to keep the attitude that we’re beautiful. We owe it to ourselves and to those around us. And, yes, it’s true that you must love yourself before you can love others. Remember, ours is a selfish program. We have to love and see ourselves as beautiful, before we can give it to others.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me claim my beauty. Help me to see that, sometimes, I have to be selfish to grow.

Action for the Day: Today, I’ll work at falling in love with myself.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Your self-esteem is about to shoot through the roof as recognition and appreciation are showered upon you. This flash of fame is a reflection of the larger picture; you are being acknowledged for your significant roles, both at home and at work. The Leo Total Eclipse of the Sun recharges your 2nd House of Self-Worth, reminding you of the value that others place on you. But don’t wait for the praise; live as if you have already received it.

DR – August 20, 2017

Daily Recovery Readings for August 20, 2017:

Daily Reflection

TOWARD EMOTIONAL FREEDOM

Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism, no field of investigation could yield more satisfying and valuable rewards than this one.

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 80

Willingness is a peculiar thing for me in that, over a period of time, it seems to come, first with awareness, but then with a feeling of discomfort, making me want to take some action. As I reflected on taking the Eighth Step, my willingness to make amends to others came as a desire for forgiveness, of others and myself. I felt forgiveness toward others after I became aware of my part in the difficulties of relationships. I wanted to feel the peace and serenity described in the Promises. From working the first seven Steps, I became aware of whom I had harmed and that I had been my own worst enemy. In order to restore my relationships with my fellow human beings, I knew I would have to change. I wanted to learn to live in harmony with myself and others so that I could also live in emotional freedom. The beginning of the end to my isolation—from my fellows and from God—came when I wrote my Eighth Step list.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“Most alcoholics owe money. We do not dodge our creditors. Telling them what we are trying to do, we make no bones about our drinking; they usually know it anyway, whether we think so or not. Nor are we afraid of disclosing our alcoholism on the theory it may cause financial harm. Approached in this way, the most ruthless creditor will sometimes surprise us. Arranging the best deal we can we let these people know we are sorry. Our drinking has made us slow to  pay.

We must lose our fear of creditors no matter how far we have to go, for we are liable to drink if we are afraid to face them.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Into Action, pg. 78~

Keep It Simple

Heaven and hell is right now. . .You make it heaven or you make it hell by your actions.
-George Harrison

We used chemicals to feel better, but we started feeling worse. We were out of control. Life seemed like hell.

Now we have a program that tells us how to make life better. Some days, it even feels like heaven! But we have to work our program to make our own heaven.

Working the program isn’t too hard. And it makes us feel so good. So, why don’t we do it all the time? Maybe we’re a little afraid of heaven. It’s time to learn to love having a better life!

Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, help me work my program each day, so each day has a little bit of heaven in it. Help me get used to having a better life.

Action for the Day: Tonight, I’ll think about the moments of kindness, joy, hope and faith that put a little bit of heaven into my life today.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You’re being pushed outside of your comfort zone and you’re quietly resisting each step of the way. Of course, you enjoy rambling around in your imagination now, but you might not be ready to manifest your fantasy yet. Your road to heartfelt satisfaction could be confused if you are distracted by the material world rather than spiritual experiences. Greek philosopher Democritus wrote, “Happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold; the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul.”

DR – August 19, 2017

Daily Recovery Readings for August 19, 2017:

<b><u>Daily Reflection</u></b>

A FRAME OF REFERENCE

Referring to our list [inventory] again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 67

There is a wonderful freedom in not needing constant approval from colleagues at work or from the people I love. I wish I had known about this Step before, because once I developed a frame of reference, I felt able to do the next right thing, knowing that the action fit the situation and that it was the correct thing to do.

<b><u>Big Book Quote</u></b>

“Actually we were fooling ourselves, for deep down in every man, woman, and child, is the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or other it is there. For faith in a Power greater than ourselves, and miraculous demonstrations of that power in human lives, are facts as old as man himself.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, We Agnostics, pg. 55~

<b><u>Keep It Simple</u></b>

The future is made of the same stuff as the present. — Simone Weil

We found we didn’t need magic to recover—we needed a miracle! Now we are walking miracles.

Part of our miracle is that we see how important today is. We can’t change our future unless we change today. So we live One Day at a Time. By living today well, we make our future better. There is comfort in knowing that the program will be there. Hope we’ll be there.

Old-timers say sobriety is easy if we go by one simple rule: don’t drink and go to meeting.

Life can get simpler; they don’t change much. Staying sober will be easier for us over time.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me keep my sobriety simple. Help me accept the rules of life.

Action for the Day:
I will list three things that will be there for me tomorrow and the next day, because I’m working on them today.

<b><u>Daily Horoscope – Cancer</u></b>

You may be happily emerging from a long-term incubation. Although the cosmic egg served its purpose, you don’t need to give anyone your reasons why you’re ready to leave the nest. You understand that you’ll remain where you are unless you start breaking your way out today. Author Israelmore Ayivor wrote, “You can dance in the storm. Don’t wait for the rain to be over because it might take too long. Wherever you are, you can start right now, this very moment.”

DR – August 18, 2017

Daily Recovery Readings for August 18, 2017:

Daily Reflection

Daily Reflections

GETTING WELL, p.239

“Very deep, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts persist below the level of consciousness.”

12 & 12, pp. 79-80

Only through positive action can I remove the remains of guilt and shame brought on by alcohol. Throughout my misadventures when I drank, my friends would say, “Why are you doing this? You’re only hurting yourself.” Little did I know how true were those
words. Although I harmed others, some of my behavior caused grave wounds to my soul. Step Eight provides me with a way of forgiving myself. I alleviate much of the hidden damage when I make my list of those I have hurt. In making amends, I free myself of burdens, thus contributing to my healing.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“Our liquor was but a symptom.” 

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, pg. 64~

Keep It Simple

The Master doesn’t talk, she acts. When her work is done, the people say, “Amazing: we did it, all by ourselves!”

Our Higher Power works like the Master. Quietly. In fact, we usually take the credit ourselves!

We’re like the child who bakes cookies for the first time. Mother found the recipe, bought the ingredients, and got out the bowl and pans and spoons. She told us what to do, and finished when we got tired. Then she cleaned up after us. We proudly served our cookies, saying, “I made them all by my self!”

In recovery, our Higher Power helps and teaches us every step of the way, just like a loving parent.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, thank-you —for my life, for my recovery, for love, for hope, and for faith. Thank-you for teaching me how to live in a better way.

Action for the Day:
I’ll list five ways my Higher Power has acted in my life.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You are rather thin-skinned today, possibly setting you up for a disappointment in a relationship. You want to know the source of the problem and ask questions to ferret out the missing information. Ironically, an emotionally cool response might be precipitated by your fear that something is wrong. Instead of looking for answers from anyone else, find a place of comfort in your heart. Author Ken Poirot wrote, “People spend their entire lives searching the world for the pieces that will make them whole, yet those pieces are only found within them.”

DR – August 17, 2017

Daily Recovery Readings for August 17, 2017:

Daily Reflection

RIGHTING THE HARM

In many instances we shall find that though the harm done others has not been great, the emotional harm we have done ourselves has. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 79

Have you ever thought that the harm you did a business associate, or perhaps a family member, was so slight that it really didn’t deserve an apology because they probably wouldn’t remember it anyway? If that person, and the wrong done to him, keeps coming to mind, time and again, causing an uneasy or perhaps guilty feeling, then I put that person’s name at the top of my “amends list,” and become willing to make a sincere apology, knowing I will feel calm and relaxed about that person once this very important part of my recovery is accomplished.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, We Agnostics, pg. 44~

Keep It Simple

Words that do not match deeds are not important.—Ernesto Ch’e Guevara

What we do can be much more important than what we say. We tend to talk about things we want to do. We need to also be people who do things we talk about. We are not spiritual people unless our actions are spiritual.

Many of us used to be “all or nothing” people. That made us afraid to take the big projects. But now we can get things done, if we take one step at a time. We’re not “all or nothing” people anymore. We’re people who are changing and growing a little every day. And each day our deeds match our words a little better.

Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, help me live fully today. Help me not to talk to much about what I want to do. Give me the gift of patience, so I can be pleased with my progress.

Action for the Day: Today, I’ll list the things that I say I’d like to do. What is one thing I can do today to make each of them happen? I’ll take one step today to match my life to my dreams.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Love is on your mind today, but you don’t need fireworks or expensive gifts. Instead, you long for emotional security and it might feel like you can’t get enough of it while romantic Venus in your sign squares giant Jupiter. You’re treading through tricky territory once the Moon enters tenacious Cancer, tempting you to cling to someone you adore. Acknowledging your needs is crucial now, but acting on them is not. Lao Tzu wrote, “Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”

DR – August 16, 2017

Daily Recovery Readings for August 16, 2017:

Daily Reflection

“I HAD DROPPED OUT”

We might next ask ourselves what we mean when we say that we have “harmed” other people. What kinds of “harm” do people do one another, anyway? To define the word “harm” in a practical way, we might call it the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people.

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 80

I had been to Eighth Step meetings, always thinking, “I really haven’t harmed many people, mostly myself.” But the time came when I wrote my list out and it was not as short as I thought it would be. I either liked you, disliked you, or needed something from you—it was that simple. People hadn’t done what I wanted them to do and intimate relationships were out of hand because of my partners’ unreasonable demands. Were these “sins of omission”? Because of my drinking, I had “dropped out”—never sending cards, returning calls, being there for other people, or taking part in their lives. What a grace it has been to look at these relationships, to make my inventories in quiet, alone with the God of my understanding, and to go forth daily, with a willingness to be honest and forthright in my relationships.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing as making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn’t done so yet.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, More About Alcoholism, pg. 30~

Keep It Simple

The strongest rebellion may be expressed in quiet, undramatic behavior.-–Benjamin Spock

In recovery, we each rebel against our disease. Each day we fight for the freedom to stay close to our Higher Power, friends and family.

It’s mainly a quiet battle. It’s fought daily. We fight and win by acting in a spiritual way. We fight and win every time we help a friend, go to meetings, or read about how to improve our lives

We move slowly but always forward. Rushing will only tire us out. Our battle will go on for life.

We are quiet fighters, but we’re strong, for we do not fight alone. And we know what waits for us if we lose.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me stay free. When I want to give up, help me realize this is normal. Help me to keep fighting at these times.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll be a rebel. I will go to an extra meeting, or I’ll talk with my sponsor. I’ll find a way to help someone without the person knowing.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You’re more inclined to push past your fears today, and lay your feelings on the line. Nevertheless, you’re aware that people won’t necessarily agree with your heartfelt opinions. Honestly, you don’t mind a little dissension now, even if it contributes to your uncertainty. Thankfully, your confidence grows while optimistic Jupiter is in the picture, and you’re hopeful that everything will work out in your favor. Meanwhile, the reflective Moon is camped out in your 12th House of Spiritual Mystery, calling you to inquire within. Author John Gray wrote, “When you feel it, you can heal it.”

DR – August 15, 2017

Daily Recovery Readings for August 15, 2017:

Daily Reflection

DIDN’T WE HURT ANYBODY?

Some of us, though, tripped over a very different snag. We clung to the claim that when drinking we never hurt anybody but ourselves.

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 79

This Step seemed so simple. I identified several people whom I had harmed, but they were no longer available. Still, I was uneasy about the Step and avoided conversations dealing with it. In time I learned to investigate those Steps and areas of my life which made me uncomfortable. My search revealed my parents, who had been deeply hurt by my isolation from them; my employer, who worried about my absences, my memory lapses, my temper; and the friends I had shunned, without explanation. As I faced the reality of the harm I had done, Step Eight took on new meaning. I am no longer uncomfortable and I feel clean and light.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, pg. 63~

Keep It Simple

We know what we are, but know not what we may be.—Shakespeare

We are addicts. We suffer from an illness. We go to Twelve Step meetings because we know who we are. We have a sponsor because we know who we are. We ask friends for support because we know who we are. We know why we need our Higher Power to guide us. Recovery is a spiritual journey. In this journey, we are followers, not guides. It’s a journey that change us. We don’t know how recovery will change us, but we know it will. Is my faith strong enough for my journey? Part of how we get strong for our journey is by knowing who we truly are: addicts.

Prayer for the Day:
I pray to remember who I am, so I’ll learn to respect the power of my illness.

Action for the Day:
I’ll take time to remember my past, both good and bad. I’ll also take time to think about who I am now. How far have I come?

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

It’s as if you’re in the eye of a hurricane today. Although the air is mysteriously still, your position is quite unstable. You’re surrounded by the wild winds of change and nothing you do now is going to resolve the emotional tension a relationship creates. You want peace and quiet, yet others only seem to bring drama to your doorstep. Nevertheless, you can find solace in self-reflection, music or art. Don’t let a little rain destroy your tranquility.

DR – August 14, 2017

Daily Recovery Readings for August 14, 2017:

Daily Reflection

REPAIRING THE DAMAGE

We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven’t the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.

— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 76

Making a list of people I had harmed was not a particularly difficult thing to do. They had showed up in my Fourth Step inventory: people towards whom I had resentments, real or imagined, and whom I had hurt by acts of retaliation. For my recovery to be thorough, I believed it was not important for those who had legitimately harmed me to make amends to me. What is important in my relationship with God is that I stand before Him, knowing I have done what I can to repair the damage I have done.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea. He said, ‘Why don’t you choose your own conception of God?’ That statement hit me hard. It melted the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years. I stood in the
sunlight at last.

It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start from that point.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Bill’s Story, pg. 12~

Keep It Simple

The best side of a saloon is outside.—Anonymous

We need to stay away from places where we used to drink or use other drugs. Sometimes we need to stay away from our old using friends. But some days it’s hard to stay away. We remember the fun times. Or we want a quick fix for our problems. When we feel like this, we know something is wrong. We can call our sponsor and talk about it. And get to a meeting. We need to remember how much better our lives are now. We don’t want our old lives back.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me stay away from trouble. Thanks for keeping me sober today.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll make a list of places that mean trouble for me—places I need to stay away from.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Your longings continue to intensify today, but you may be alienated because there’s little communication about your desires. You don’t mind if others are aware of your feelings; it’s just that you wish to avoid being the center of attention now. You prefer to make less waves and disappear into a group of like-minded friends than upset anyone with your needs that can’t easily be fulfilled. Mark Twain quipped, “Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.”

DR – August 13, 2017

Daily Recovery Readings for August 12, 2017:

Daily Reflection

A CLEAN SWEEP

. . . and third, having thus cleaned away the debris of the past, we consider how, with our newfound knowledge of ourselves, we may develop the best possible relations with every human being we know.

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 77

As I faced the Eighth Step, everything that was required for successful completion of the previous seven Steps came together: courage, honesty, sincerity, willingness and thoroughness, I could not muster the strength required for this task at the beginning, which is why this Step reads “Became willing. . . . ”

I needed to develop the courage to begin, the honesty to see where I was wrong, a sincere desire to set things right, thoroughness in making a list, and willingness to take the risks required for true humility. With the help of my Higher Power in developing these virtues, I completed this Step and continued to move forward in my quest for spiritual growth.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“You are going to meet these new friends in your own community. Near you, alcoholics are dying helplessly like people in a sinking ship. If you live in a large place, there are hundreds. High and low, rich and poor, these are future fellows of Alcoholics Anonymous. Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey. Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself.'”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, A Vision For You, pg. 152~

Keep It Simple

Once it[a spoken word] flies out, you can’t catch it. —Russian proverb

We’ve said many mean words. Our words often hurt the people we love. We can never really take back the words. But we’re learning now to speak with care . We know the words have a lot of power.

What do we say when we’re angry? When we want something? When we’re trying to be kind?

Now, think about this: people will remember out words. If we’re honest and careful in our speech, people will respect us. But if we say things to force our will, we may be sorry later.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, speak through me today.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll ask one question of the person I love the most: “How have my words hurt you in the past?” Then I’ll talk with my sponsor about this.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You nostalgically long for a return to the days when you could idly pass the time doing as little as possible. Unfortunately, you may suddenly realize that daydreaming will not bring you the same results today as creating and executing an action plan. Thankfully, you can schedule some rest and relaxation later as long as you follow through and finish your regular chores first. Author Steve Maraboli wrote, “Your life begins to change the day you take responsibility for it.”