A Mouse In a Running Wheel

On January 7, 2017January 7, 2017 By mikeykjrIn Personal4 Comments

In the past, I’ve been complimented on my tolerance of other’s behavior. Lately, I find that I have less tolerance each day. The behaviors of everyone, including myself. It has been months since I searched the Big Book or the 12 & 12 for some advice.

Some days it is so hard to just bite my tongue. It feels like the fuse is lit to an atomic bomb. It starts with one, then another until I’m boiling with frustration and anger. Through my own personal experiences I learned to do something quickly. However, some days are better than others.

Here are a few passages that put things in perspective while also giving me a solution. The Big Book reminds Us, “We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look at them as sick people (70) . . . Love and tolerance of others is our code (84)”. The 12 & 12, reminds Us, “Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellow actually means” (92).

For example, before I even leave town just driving to work gets me unsettled. Pedestrian traffic is typically non-existent. But I always find that ONE pedestrian who just pisses me off. They want to use the cross walk at the wrong time; they think it’s clear to cross, my side turns green, yet I wait for them to cross while people are honking their horns in frustration. Other times they cross the street instead of walking to the corner stopping the flow of traffic like it’s New York City. But these feelings are reduced when I drive through the countryside on my way to work.

We all work in environments where some people just get on our nerves. My tolerance of my fellow co-workers is another issue. Every day, I start work with a clean slate. Yet it only takes a few minutes before I’m back where I was yesterday. No matter how hard I try to leave it at the door when I leave work each night, it’s just not easy. Unfortunately, talking to anyone is a waste of my time. A change of job was suggested, however no matter where I go in the medical field or another profession, this type of environment is not going to change.

This is what exhausts me each day. I see how it wears me down during the day. My forgetfulness of what needs to be done at work rises because my frustration/anger side tracks me. I feel guilty because I broke yet another promise made earlier in the day. There really is no way out. It’s like being a mouse in a running wheel for the entirety of my day.

Same shit. Different day.

DR – Jan 7, 2017

On January 7, 2017January 7, 2017 By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

AA – Daily Reflection

AT THE TURNING POINT

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 59

Every day I stand at turning points. My thoughts and actions can propel me toward growth or turn me down the road to old habits and to booze. Sometimes turning points are beginnings, as when I decide to start praising, instead of condemning someone. Or when I begin to ask for help instead of going it alone. At other times turning points are endings, such as when I see clearly the need to stop festering resentments or crippling self-seeking. Many shortcomings tempt me daily; therefore, I also have daily opportunities to become aware of them. In one form or another, many of my character defects appear daily: self-condemnation, anger, running away, being prideful, wanting to get even, or acting out of grandiosity.

Attempting half measures to eliminate these defects merely paralyzes my efforts to change. It is only when I ask God for help, with complete abandon, that I become willing—and able—to change.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote of the Day

“The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.”
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, More About Alcoholism, Page 30~

Keep it Simple

A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice.—E.W. Howe

Do you let yourself be afraid of your illness? Many of us were scared into sobriety. Often, a spiritual awakening directly follows a good scare. Fear seems to improve our vision. Are you smart enough to run from your addiction? The First Step should create fear inside us. It’s about looking honestly at our addiction and what would happen to us if we kept using. Looking at Step One regularly will give us the respectful fear we need to stay sober. Often fear is seen as bad, but it can be good, if we listen to it.

It can be a great mover. When you’re afraid, your spirit is trying to tell you something.
Prayer for the Day:
God, direct my fear. Have me go to You, family, friends, and others who love me. Help me see my fear and listen to it’s message.

Action for the Day:
I’ll list five ways that my fear has taught me important lessons. I’ll see that my fear can help me as long as I listen to it and not live it.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Although it’s nearly impossible to know where your current trajectory is heading, it’s obvious your world is irrevocably changing. There might not be anything you can do to slow this evolutionary process, but you could ease the pressures along the way. Turning your fear into hard work might be productive, but it won’t help you get to the underlying issue. There’s really no need to struggle; the simple act of letting go of your attachment to the caterpillar paves a smooth road to becoming a butterfly.

DR – Jan 6, 2017

On January 6, 2017January 6, 2017 By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Readings for Recovery

AA – Daily Reflection

THE VICTORY OF SURRENDER

We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built.

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 21

When alcohol influenced every facet of my life, when bottles became the symbol of all my self indulgence and permissiveness, when I came to realize that, by myself, I could do nothing to overcome the power of alcohol, I realized I had no recourse except surrender. In surrender I found victory—victory over my selfish self-indulgence, victory over my stubborn resistance to life as it was given to me. When I stopped fighting anybody or anything, I started on the path to sobriety, serenity and peace.

From the book Daily Reflections

Big Book Quote of the Day

“Faith without works is dead.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Into Action, Page 76~

Keep it Simple

“We.”—First word of the Twelve Steps.

We. This little word says a lot about the Twelve Steps. Our addiction made us lonely. The “we” of the program makes us whole again. It makes us a member of a living, growing group of people. Our addiction isolated us from others. We couldn’t be honest. We felt a lot of shame. But all this is in the past. The “we” of the program helps us live outside ourselves. Now we tell each other about our pasts. We comfort each other. We try to help each other.

Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, help me to join the WE of the program. Help me to admit and accept my illness, so the healing can begin.

Action for the Day: Today, I’ll work to make the WE of the program even stronger. I’ll find someone to help.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You relish the notion of spending quiet time with friends or family, but you might not get your chance until later in the day. Thankfully, you possess a deep well of patience and can go about your current activities with a smile on your face. Although an emotional storm may be brewing, you’re motivated to take on anything and anyone who stands in your way. After all, you’re only willing to delay gratification so long. Wake up with determination. Go to bed with satisfaction.

DR – Jan 5, 2017

On January 5, 2017January 5, 2017 By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

AA – Daily Reflection

TOTAL ACCEPTANCE

He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 152

Only an alcoholic can understand the exact meaning of a statement like this one. The double standard that held me captive as an active alcoholic also filled me with terror and confusion: “If I don’t get a drink I’m going to die,” competed with “If I continue drinking it’s going to kill me.” Both compulsive thoughts pushed me ever closer to the bottom. That bottom produced a total acceptance of my alcoholism—with no reservations whatsoever—and one that was absolutely essential for my recovery. It was a dilemma unlike anything I had ever faced, but as I found out later on, a necessary one if I was to succeed in this program.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote of the Day

“We represent no particular faith or denomination. We are dealing only with general principles common to most denominations.” ~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Working With Others, Page 93~

Keep it Simple

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.–Chinese proverb.

Life holds so many choices now that we are sober. We’d like to go so many places. We’d like to see so many things. We have so much to do. We are slowly learning how to trust our dreams and reach for them. Our program teaches us that we live One Day at a Time. We make progress by doing First Things First. Easy Does It. Our dreams may seem very big and far away. We wonder if we’ll ever get there. But our faith tells us to go for it. And we know how: one step at a time.

PRAYER:
Higher Power, help me know this gentle truth: my life matters. Help me set goals that I can grow toward, one step at a time.

ACTION:
Today, I’ll think about one of my goals. I will list ten little steps that will help me get there.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You don’t want to give anyone the power to control your life today. However, you appreciate the feeling of comfort that arises when you know that someone is watching your back. Luckily, you have the best of both worlds now; you are free enough to make your own choices and contained enough to sustain your efforts. Lose any last tendrils of doubt and get to work on manifesting your dreams. Although it is reassuring to have a safety net in place, never let your fear decide your fate.

Struggling w/ cravings

On January 4, 2017 By mikeykjrIn Personal2 Comments

Thus far, I have counted three cravings already this morning. This is typical for anyone starting recovery. It’s been my experience working with other addicts, as well as my own experience, typically day four and five can be the worst for cravings. I know that “it will get better” as time passes. Still, I’m struggling right now.

I delayed putting on my NRT or nicotine replacement therapy (AKA – the patch) this morning simply because I was lazy. It was when the first urge hit me I suddenly reached over for the box and a pair of scissors. But the urge was over by the time the patch was applied.

The trigger that is causing these cravings is my frustration with the WordPress.com site. Typically when I become frustrated, upset and/or angry, I tend to smoke. But in the few hours that I have been on this site, I’m starting to get the hang of things. Thus, my anxiety(?) has decreased.

But just a few minutes ago, it was like my brain flipped a switch; it felt almost like an out-of-body experience. I was suddenly in another place almost unable to control myself. Literally, I had to stop what I was doing, hold the desk and snap myself back into reality. UGH. My mind and body wanted to get up, put my shoes on, get in the store to get a pack of cigarettes.

Those are moments that I need to do something else. I’ve been at this computer since 9 a.m. I should have lifted some weights and be in the shower. Guess I’ll have to skip weights today, hitting the shower now because the more I spend writing the less time I have before I have to leave for work.

Welcome

On January 4, 2017November 5, 2017 By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

People who have never had an addiction don’t understand how hard it can be.
~Payne Stewart~

The disease of addiction, We say is, “cunning, baffling and powerful”. What does that really mean? Only the addict through their own experiences finds such an answer. This blog was developed with a hope to bring a better understanding of an addict’s life, both in active addiction and in recovery.

The world of addiction and recovery were covered in shrouds of secrecy as “confidential” or “anonymous” because of a stigma – We were undeserving of any hope at all. The last couple of decades the perception of addicts changed. We began to throw away the veils of shame and guilt of our lives by telling our stories publically. We hope to eliminate this stigma that causes preventable deaths instead of opening doors for recovery.

I am one such recovering addict. In December 2007, I made a decision to find my path to recovery after years of destroying not only my own life but the lives of those around me. Recovery is not an easy path to travel down. We must make a strong commitment to Ourselves to place sobriety first in our priorities in life. There is no cure for this disease. We must be vigilant in Our lives to ensure that we don’t waiver from our commitment. We have learned through the experience of Others and Ourselves any moment in time our addiction can rear its ugly head leading us back to active addiction. It has one goal – our death. Not for me. I was given a plan to live life if I follow some simple rules.

There is hope. I am one of many who have years of sobriety that makes a daily promise to bring my experiences, strength and hope not only to the struggling addict but others willing to listen. Three things are asked of visitors/readers: honesty, willingness and open-mindedness. You may not agree with everything published on this site (honesty), however try (willingness) to put aside the differences for now and keep reading. Only without conceived prejudices (open-mindedness) will you begin to understand the struggles and the triumphs of my life. Just as with someone with cancer, I struggle with this disease daily and it is only through the experiences, strength and hopes of others that I continue to write this blog today.

DR – Jan 4, 2017

On January 4, 2017November 5, 2017 By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

AA – Daily Reflection

BEGIN WHERE YOU ARE

We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 19

It’s usually pretty easy for me to be pleasant to the people in an A.A. setting. While I’m working to stay sober, I’m celebrating with my fellow A.A.s our common release from the hell of drinking. It’s often not so hard to spread glad tidings to my old and new friends in the program.

At home or at work, though, it can be a different story. It is in situations arising in both of those areas that the little day-to-day frustrations are most evident, and where it can be tough to smile or reach out with a kind word or an attentive ear. It’s outside of the A.A. rooms that I face the real test of the effectiveness of my walk through A.A.’s Twelve Steps.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote of the Day

“To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face.” ~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, We Agnostics, Page 44~

Keep It Simple

He who is swift to believe is swift to forget.—-Abraham Joshua Herschel

Life is full of questions. Many people tell us they have the answers. We have to be careful of who and what we believe. Other people’s ideas may not fit us. The program doesn’t tell us much about what to believe. It teaches us how to believe. How well the program works for us depends on what we believe and how well we live it. When we face all the facts, we can really believe. We believe we are powerless over our addiction. We believe we must and can change some things in our lives. We believe we can trust a Higher Power to care for us. When we choose to believe, we want to choose the best beliefs we can. And once we believe, we must not forget.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me know You, and help me know the truth.

Action for the Day:
Today I’ll think about my First Step. Do I truly believe I’m powerless over my disease?

Horoscope

Your mind is brimming with good ideas about nearly everything and you are capable of inventing a better plan than anyone else today. The problem is that people won’t accept your solution at face value; in fact, they may even oppose your efforts. You’re often willing to set your position aside or, at least, negotiate a workable compromise. However, you’re quite prepared to head off on your own now if no one jumps in with the support you want. Those who fly solo have the strongest wings.

DR – Jan 3, 2017

On January 3, 2017November 5, 2017 By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

AA – Daily Reflection

POWERLESS

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 21

It is no coincidence that the very first Step mentions powerlessness: An admission of personal powerlessness over alcohol is a cornerstone of the foundation of recovery. I’ve learned that I do not have the power and control I once thought I had. I am powerless over what people think about me. I am powerless over having just missed the bus. I am powerless over how other people work (or don’t work) the Steps. But I’ve also learned I am not powerless over some things. I am not powerless over my attitudes. I am not powerless over negativity. I am not powerless over assuming responsibility for my own recovery. I have the power to exert a positive influence on myself, my loved ones, and the world in which I live.

Big Book Quote of the Day

“…I would enter upon a new relationship with my Creator; that I would have the elements of a way of living which answered all my problems. Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things, were the essential requirements.” ~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Bill’s Story, Page 13~

Keep It Simple

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.—Unknown

As we work Step One, we accept that alcohol and other drugs are poison to us. We accept our limits.
This means we know that hanging around our using “buddies” can remind us of “the good old days.”
Hanging around “slippery places” means we could “slip” back into our old ways. This isn’t testing our sobriety; it’s being reckless with it. So let’s accept our limits. Everybody has limits. When we know our limits, we protect our recovery against the people and places that pull us from our spiritual center. This is what true acceptance means.

Prayer for the Day:
I pray for true acceptance. Higher Power, help me to stay away from slippery places. I will protect the gift You’ve given me.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll list the people and places that are risky for me to be around. I will share this list with my sponsor, my group, and my sober friends.

Horoscope

Nurturing relationships and keeping everyone happy can be exhausting, prompting you to plan your great escape. It’s all too tempting to think about running away when alluring Venus slips into your 9th House of Faraway Places. Imagine foreign lands where you are free from the responsibilities and complications of your current life. Take these impressions as inspirations for future travel but don’t lose touch with the realities of the present moment. You can dream all you want but you must live in the here and now if you want to maintain your integrity.

Lifestyle Changes

On January 2, 2017January 4, 2017 By mikeykjrIn Personal

Yesterday, the only urges I had to smoke were at home. During the drive and at work I didn’t think about it at all. But the struggle continues . . .

Right now, the first thing in the morning or during my morning routine, is the time when urges are the greatest. Like people say, “Find something else to do with your hands. Change things around. Do something different.”

A fitness program is something I would like to start for 2017. For now, I’m going to do some weight lifting, just right and left curls for now. I feel like there isn’t time to do anything after I wake up. I’m to respectful to my neighbors to do anything in the middle of the night when I get home. I have thought about a Planet Fitness membership. When I come home, I can simply pop in there for an hour or two a day. Then again, I’m moving.

Didn’t I say this is the year of NO EXCUSES. Okay, working on it. I’ll figure something out.

The latest issue is the hole in my exhaust on my car. It’s horrible. Right now I don’t have the money; I haven’t even forked over rent yet. I already slipped by two Tioga County Sheriffs yesterday on the way to work. With the holiday over, perhaps their presence (and that of NYS Troopers) will diminish. I know that its only a fix it ticket but I don’t need the trouble.

I still worry that the alternate side parking ticket that I fought with the City of Binghamton to get a court day is all screwed up. I haven’t received a court date so I don’t know if it’s been written off or I should continue waiting. That’s another issue that I don’t want to stir waters in.

Made first work rant entry private . . . Honestly, I need to make a decision to stay or leave. The gut tells me to leave respectfully, thus I should do it rather sooner than later. Still chewing on it.

Another issue that I struggle with is “not enough time”. For instance, in a 24 hour day, I work 8 hours, travel time is 3 hours, I sleep an average of 7 hours which is a total of 19 hours already gone. I can account for two hours after I get home and go to bed, three hours in the morning before I go to work. I just don’t have time to really accomplish anything. My next day off isn’t until Friday. The last couple of days, my body tells me that I didn’t get enough sleep. Last night I actually went to bed early. I felt like I went to sleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke up in a terrible mood, as if I hadn’t sleep at all. Since I get home at around 12:30 a.m., I try to go to bed sometime between 2 a.m. and 3 a.m. In the morning I typically wake up at 10 a.m. Okay, let’s just be honest with myself. This whole schedule things is really f**k’d up. I need to seriously consider this when thinking about staying at my job or not and/or moving now sooner than later.

I need to relieve some tension (life weights), take a shower and get ready for work . . .

DR – Jan 2, 2017

On January 2, 2017January 4, 2017 By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

AA – Daily Reflection

FIRST, THE FOUNDATION

Is sobriety all that we can expect of a spiritual awakening? No, sobriety is only a bare beginning. — AS BILL SEES IT, p. 8

Practicing the A.A. program is like building a house. First I had to pour a big, thick concrete slab on which to erect the house; that, to me, was the equivalent of stopping drinking. But it’s pretty uncomfortable living on a concrete slab, unprotected and exposed to the heat, cold, wind and rain. So I built a room on the slab by starting to practice the program. The first room was rickety because I wasn’t used to the work. But as time passed, as I practiced the program, I learned to build better rooms. The more I practiced, and the more I built, the more comfortable, and happy, was the home I now have to live in.

Big Book Quote of the Day

“…we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.” ~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, There Is A Solution, Page 25~

Keep It Simple

Keep It Simple

..our lives had become unmanageable. Second half of Step One.

The First Step tells us a lot about our addiction. We were out of control. Our addiction was in control. Addiction managed everything. It managed our relationships. It managed how we behaved with our families. As Step One says, “…our lives had become unmanageable.” But we pretended we managed our lives. What a lie! Addiction ran our lives–not us. We weren’t honest with ourselves. Our program heals us through self-honesty. We feel better just speaking the truth. We are becoming good people with spiritual values. Our spiritual journey has begun.

Prayer:
Higher Power, I give YOU my life to manage. When I’m faced with a choice, I’ll ask myself, “What would my Higher Power choose for me?”

Action:
Today, I’ll be honest with a friend about how unmanageable my life had become.

Horoscope

You’re like Don Quixote who is lost in fantasy, imagining that he’s on a knightly adventure. Mundane events take on mythic proportions, making it nearly impossible to separate your dreams from reality. Fortunately, you can grow into your visions over time, but only if you are unwavering in your search for the facts. Don’t deviate from what you know to be true. And if you doubt your objectivity, rely on the perceptions of those you trust until your clarity returns. Computer scientist Linus Torvalds said, “That which works, works.”