Rambling About Honesty

On By mikeykjrIn Personal4 Comments

Since my sobriety I have learned there are times to be honest while there are also times to keep the mouth shut.  But there is also a time when the frustration, anger and other emotions get so bottled up, they tend to spout out.  These times are scary for me because I’m unsure of the consequences of my decisions.  This is a part of me I work on daily – sometimes I’m good at it, others I’m not.

As you may know I am a CNA.  It’s a rough job.  There are staffing issues, personality issues, company policy issues and most of us are just fed up.  No matter where I go, these type of issues are common everywhere.  However, “the company” hired a Supervisor, so I’ve tested the waters.

There is an employee that I work with, young in age and young in experience (like myself) who just pissed me off.  She might as well have gone home because I felt like I was the only one on the floor.  Her laziness and the need to be on her phone every minute is just unprofessional.

I patiently waited for the Sup to talk to her privately.  Our discussion started with the employee rolling to bigger issues at the end.  She insisted that I stay, “Stay and I will be your voice.”  But I’m skeptical because of my last job experience.  I’ve heard that before, backs tabbed, then was unemployed.  So now I wait.

It’s a cruel world. I have a duty to report certain things. But at the same time people can easily turn it around perhaps jeopardizing my own license.  Management attempted to do that already.  I don’t want to get in those situations again.

Unfortunately, while there is an alternative to seek other employment it’s just not that easy.  The standard of living is much higher in the County I work, therefore if I choose to work closer to home I would take a HUGE pay cut.  I also know facilities around here already have very bad reputations.  Yes, my drive would be cut by three hours a day.

But as I was reminded, “Why are you here?”  Honestly, its not the pay.  Don’t get me wrong, the pay is wonderful.  It’s the residents I have known for the last four months.  I enjoy them and they enjoy me.  I provide them what they want and haven’t received in a long time.  So it’s just not the Sup that is asking I stay, it’s also the residents that I take care of almost on a daily basis.

It’s a sticky situation.  It grinds at me every day.  Even on my days off like today.  People tell me, “You need to leave.  If you don’t bad things are going to happen.  You’re not happy.  You need to find somewhere there is a balance.  You have enough on your plate (sobriety).”  Yet, with only four months of experience, a brand new license (Nov 2016), I can’t expect much if I choose to leave.

This type of situation is going to follow me anywhere.  I just have to practice patience, self-control and be selfish (only worrying about me, not the others around me).  But many times doing such is easier said than done!

DR – Feb 4, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
February 3, 2017

Daily Reflection

WHEN FAITH IS MISSING

Sometimes A.A. comes harder to those who have lost or rejected faith than to those who never had any faith at all, for they think they have tried faith and found it wanting. They have tried the way of faith and the way of no faith.
— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 28

I was so sure God had failed me that I became ultimately defiant, though I knew better, and plunged into a final drinking binge. My faith turned bitter and that was no coincidence. Those who once had great faith hit bottom harder. It took time to rekindle my faith, though I came to A.A. I was grateful intellectually to have survived such a great fall, but my heart felt callous. Still, I stuck with the A.A. program; the alternatives were too bleak! I kept coming back and gradually my faith was resurrected.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“We families of Alcoholics Anonymous keep few skeletons in the closet. Everyone knows about the others’ alcoholic troubles. This is a condition which, in ordinary life, would produce untold grief; there might be scandalous gossip, laughter at the expense of other
people, and a tendency to take advantage of intimate information. Among us, these are rare occurrences. We do talk about each other a great deal, but we almost invariably temper such talk by a spirit of love and tolerance.”
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, The Family Afterward, pg. 125~

Keep It Simple

We do not remember days, we remember moments.—-Cesare Pavese

It’s the moment that’s important. Each moment holds choice. Our spirits grow through working our program moment to moment. Moments lead to days, days to years, and years to a life of honest recovery.

It will be the moments of choice that we remember. The moment we call a friend instead of being alone.

The moment we decide to go for a walk instead of arguing with our partner. The moment we decide to go to an extra meeting instead of drinking or using other drugs. The moments lead us to our Higher Power.

These moments teach us that we’re human, that we need others. At these moments, we know others care about us–our joys, and our struggles.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me remember that my recovery is made up of many moments of choice.

Today’s Action:
I’ll look back over the last twenty-four hours. What moments come to mind? Why were they important to me.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Your appetite for success and recognition continues to grow, but you still don’t want to rock the boat. The cosmic dance of Venus and Mars in your 10th House of Publicity draws you toward the spotlight, but you worry that your friends might think differently of you if you act too large and in charge. You wonder if whispers are floating around you, and it seems more secure to play small until you know how to execute your next move. Author Joyce Meyer wrote, “Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.”

DR – Feb 3, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

<h1>Daily Recovery Readings
February 3, 2017</h1>

<h2><b><u>Daily Reflection</h2></b></u>

FILLING THE VOID

We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. “Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?” As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way.
— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 47

I was always fascinated with the study of scientific principles. I was emotionally and physically distant from people while I pursued Absolute Knowledge. God and spirituality were meaningless academic exercises. I was a modern man of science, knowledge was my Higher Power. Given the right set of equations, life was merely another problem to solve. Yet my inner self was dying from my outer man’s solution to life’s problems and the solution was alcohol. In spite of my intelligence, alcohol became my Higher Power. It was through the unconditional love which emanated from A.A. people and meetings that I was able to discard alcohol as my Higher Power. The great void was filled. I was no longer lonely and apart from life. I had found a true power greater than myself, I had found God’s love. There is only one equation which really matters to me now: God is in A.A.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

<h2><b><u>Big Book Quote</h2></b></u>

“When drinking, or getting over a bout, an alcoholic, sometimes the model of honesty when normal, will do incredible things. Afterward, his revulsion will be terrible. Nearly always, these antics indicate nothing more than temporary conditions.”
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, To Employers, pg. 140~

<h2><b><u>Keep It Simple</h2></b></u>

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.—Erma Bombeck

We often hear, “Stick with the winners.” Not everyone in Twelve Step meetings is there for recovery.. But many members follow a Twelve Step way of living. We need to find those people. This is really true when it comes to finding a sponsor. Look for a sponsor who gets good things from his or her program. Why pick a sponsor who isn’t happy in the program? Recovery is hard work. You deserve the best. Find the best sponsor you can. Remember, ours is a selfish program. we’re fighting for our lives.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me find the best in my program. Help me find a good sponsor, so we can get as much from each other and this program as we can.

Today’s Action:
Today I’ll think about what it means to have a good sponsor.

<h2><b><u>Daily Horoscope – Cancer</h2></b></u>

Your vocational goals take center stage and it’s time to see if your preparation has paid off. Vivacious Venus strides into your 10th House of Career today, eager to refashion your public image and take you to new heights. It may not be your nature to speak up and demand satisfaction, but you’re beginning a new phase in which you find your voice rising above the rest. However, simply being the loudest in the group won’t bring you long-term satisfaction. It’s not about being better than anyone else; it’s about being better than you were yesterday.

A Friend in Need

On By mikeykjrIn Alcoholics Anonymous, Personal

Yesterday I was working on my spirituality, previously mentioned, when I received a Facebook message from an old friend.  This friend literally dropped off the face of the Earth about three years ago.  I assumed he relapsed. My intuition was right, as it often is the case when people relapse, their facebook account goes silent.  I convinced him to talk to me person to person, so I picked him up and we had a chat at a local Wendy’s.

To back track, I had attended a local Big Book reading meeting at 7 p.m. in which we discussed the first couple of pages of Chapter 2, There is a Solution. Honestly I haven’t been to a meeting in a couple of weeks and my Sponsor was up my arse to get to one, so I took his suggestion.  I’m glad that I did!

In a nutshell, my friend is living at home with his parents.  He’s been on Suboxone since he left the program but abuses it.  He’s also been prescribed Klonopin for his anxiety.  Now he’s been drinking for the last couple of months.  No job, no friends, just stays in his “man cave playing Counterstrike or Call of Duty until the early morning hours.  He’s miserable, ‘Mike, I have no life.’

We spoke for about an hour.  I reminded him of where he was and could go again, if he chooses to take my suggestions.  He talked about regretting his past, worrying about the future, etc.  I insisted that he not worry about either, “Concentrate on YOU, not the past or future.  TODAY what do you want to DO to turn your life around.”  He knows I’m a no excuses type guy, yet I still had to remind him.  It brought a smile to his face which I’m sure hasn’t happened in a while.  He thanked me for the needed conversation saying he would keep in touch.  I left the ball in his court with many options, “When you’re ready, make a solid commitment to me and I’ll be there to help in any way that I can, but you need to make that choice. I have faith that you can do this!”

My hope is to hear from him today. That is how our program works through our experience, strength and hope.  We shared both of our experiences, my strength in my sobriety and my hope for him he takes my suggestions so he can change his life around.

I am Responsible.
When Anyone, Anywhere
Reaches Out For Help,
I Want The Hand Of A.A.
Always To Be There.

And For That,
I Am Responsible !

 

DR – Feb 2, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings1 Comment

Daily Recovery Readings
February 2, 2017

Daily Reflection

RESCUED BY SURRENDERING

Characteristic of the so-called typical alcoholic is a narcissistic egocentric core, dominated by feelings of omnipotence, intent on maintaining at all costs its inner integrity. . . . Inwardly the alcoholic brooks no control from man or God. He, the alcoholic, is and must be the master of his destiny. He will fight to the end to preserve that position.
— A.A. COMES OF AGE, p. 311

The great mystery is: “Why do some of us die alcoholic deaths, fighting to preserve the ‘independence’ of our ego, while others seem to sober up effortlessly in A.A.?” Help from a Higher Power, the gift of sobriety, came to me when an otherwise unexplained desire to stop drinking coincided with my willingness to accept the suggestions of the men and women of A.A. I had to surrender, for only by reaching out to God and my fellows could I be rescued.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn’t.”
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, We Agnostics, pg. 53~

Keep It Simple

We must believe the things we teach our children.——-Woodrow Wilson

It may be easy to say the words and phrases we’ve heard without really meaning them. Someone says something at a meeting that sounds good. Our counselor has a favorite saying. We may say these words, but are we taking the time to ask the question. Do I believe what I’m saying? Step Two speaks of, “Came to believe…” By really believing in the Twelve Steps, we let them become part of us. The more we believe in the Steps the more we turn our lives over to them. Hopefully, over time, the Twelve Steps will guide us more and more. We’ll speak to our family with respect we’ve found in the Twelve Steps. Our spirit must truly believe. Then we can work the Steps.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, believing is something that lasts a lifetime. Give me the power to believe even when doubt creeps in.

Action for the Day:
My beliefs are changing. Today, in my inventory, I’ll ask: Do I believe what I said today?

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You can just as easily declare your certainty and question your competence in the same breath today, but courage wins out when you remain firm in your convictions. Saturn the Tester honors its half of the bargain when you stick to your to-do list and overcome overwhelm by staying organized. Your unrelenting focus on your goals softens later after the Moon slips into mellow Taurus, offering you a chance to relax and get cozy. Indulging in creature comforts is a delightful way to reward your hard work.

DR – Feb 1, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
February 1, 2017

Daily Reflection

GOAL: SANITY

“. . . Step Two gently and very gradually began to infiltrate my life. I can’t say upon what occasion or upon what day I came to believe in a Power greater than myself, but I certainly have that belief now.”
— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 27

“Came to believe!” I gave lip service to my belief when I felt like it or when I thought it would look good. I didn’t really trust God. I didn’t believe He cared for me. I kept trying to change things I couldn’t change. Gradually, in disgust, I began to turn it all over, saying: “You’re so omnipotent, you take care of it.” He did. I began to receive answers to my deepest problems, sometimes at the most unusual times: driving to work, eating lunch, or when I was sound asleep. I realized that I hadn’t thought of those solutions—a Power greater than myself had given them to me. I came to believe.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work.”
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, pg. 62~

Keep It Simple

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
—Step Two

The Second Step directs us to believe there is hope for us. It may take time to believe this. Many of us had given up hope. But look around. Hope fills our meeting rooms. We are surrounded by miracles. This Power greater than ourselves has healed many. Listen as others tell their stories. They speak of how powerful this Power is. At times, we will not believe. This is normal But in recovery ,”coming to believe” means opening ourselves up to healing power found in the program.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, allow me to believe Help me to stay open to recovery.

Action for the Day:
I will list three examples of my past insanity. I will share these examples with my group, sponsor, a program friend, or with my Higher Power. I will remember that I’m a miracle.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Your arrow is aimed at the ideal vision of yourself and your natural tenacity pulls the bow string taut. You’re ready to push past any vulnerabilities that might usually give you pause, and even step out of your comfort zone if it means moving closer to your goals. You possess the strength today, but make sure you aren’t pushing yourself just for the sake of it. Although it’s satisfying to be recognized for a job well done, kind words from a loved one mean so much more than a gold star at work or school. There’s no shame in your game for seeking support when you need it.

DR – Jan 31, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
January 31, 2017

Daily Reflection

OUR COMMON WELFARE COMES FIRST

The unity of Alcoholics Anonymous is the most cherished quality our Society has. . . . We stay whole, or A.A. dies.
— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 129

Our Traditions are key elements in the ego deflation process necessary to achieve and maintain sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous. The First Tradition reminds me not to take credit, or authority, for my recovery. Placing our common welfare first reminds me not to become a healer in this program; I am still one of the patients. Self-effacing elders built the ward. Without it, I doubt I would be alive. Without the group, few alcoholics would recover.

The active role in renewed surrender of will enables me to step aside from the need to dominate, the desire for recognition, both of which played so great a part in my active alcoholism. Deferring my personal desires for the greater good of group growth contributes toward A.A. unity that is central to all recovery. It helps me to remember that the whole is greater than the sum of all its parts.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“We have begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look on them as sick people.”
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, Pg. 70~

Keep It Simple

Do not cut down the tree that gives you shade.—Arabian proverb

We need to remember what got us well. The Twelve Steps heal us. The meetings we attend heal us.

Reading and listening to program tapes heals us. Talking with our sponsors heals us. The time we spend with program friends heals us. Sometimes we’re pressed for time. As a result, we have to make choices about how to use our time. We may think we know enough about the program. We may feel like cutting down on meetings. These are danger signs. We only know how to stay sober One Day at a Time: by working the Steps. Let’s not forget them as we grow in this program. It may seem like we’ve been recovering a long time, but we’re all beginners.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, I’ve found You in the program. Help me find ways to stay a “beginner” in the program.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll take time to read the Twelve Steps. I’ll meditate on how much these Steps have given me.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You’re wondering if you heard someone right as words seem to dissolve and change immediately after they’re spoken. The spiritual Pisces Moon encourages you to have faith, but you’re concerned that none of your work tasks will get done if you expect the Universe to do them for you. Fortunately, the Moon shifts into enterprising Aries, imbuing you with the guts to take care of business yourself. However, don’t be overzealous right out of the gate or overcompensation might land you in a bigger mess than before. Speak softly and carry a big stick.

A Look Inside

On By mikeykjrIn Personal

For the last few months, as mentioned in a couple of posts, I have not been happy with myself nor where I’m going in life.  At times like this, I tend to look towards my own spirituality.  Many moons ago, even before sobriety, I found something that I have believed in strongly but has a strong public stigma that rarely do I discuss it with others.

I am not a religious man.  Far from it.  I tend to not even discuss religious dogma with others because it always turns into an argument, so I just avoid such things “like the plague”.  However, I do respect all religions as we can learn something from each and every one of them.  My Path, as I simply call it, allows me free will to do things as I wish, however there are benefits and consequences for good or bad choices.

Okay, out with it – it’s called Witchcraft.  Yes, I am a Witch, Pagan, Heathen or whatever name you choose to label me because they are all basically the same. Just as with organized religions, we do and practice the same things just by different names and different ways. For now that is all I’ll say on the topic.

However, like a believer of organized religion, when life gets rough, I tend to look towards my spiritual beliefs for answers.  Through my own experiences, I know that I have the ability to change things, I just need a little help. However, that help involves dedication and practice.  The later, practice, is what is lacking in my life.

Year after year after year, I tell myself I’m going to become more dedicated in my spirituality.  I truly believe They intervened to guide me towards sobriety.  I strongly believe, on a daily basis (my Higher Powers), They help me with day to day struggles.  But many times I don’t feel my bond with Them is as strong as it should be.  Thus, I vowed to myself that in 2017, no matter what is going on in my life, I will make the time to dedicate and honor Them. For those not understanding my cryptic writing – there is a strong sense that I need to go back to church on a regular basis!

I’ve always been proud of who I am and my beliefs, thus the secrecy. This even ties in with the principles of AA, the Twelfth Tradition, “Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.”  I have always found that interesting.

 

 

DR – Jan 30, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
January 30, 2017

Daily Reflection

We are going to know a new freedom. . . .
— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 83

Freedom for me is both freedom from and freedom to. The first freedom I enjoy is freedom from the slavery of alcohol. What a relief! Then I begin to experience freedom from fear—fear of people, of economic insecurity, of commitment, of failure, of rejection. Then I begin to enjoy freedom to—freedom to choose sobriety for today, freedom to be myself, freedom to express my opinion, to experience peace of mind, to love and be loved, and freedom to grow spiritually. But how can I achieve these freedoms? The Big Book clearly says that before I am halfway through making amends, I will begin to know a “new” freedom; not the old freedom of doing what I pleased, without regard to others, but the new freedom that allows fulfillment of the promises in my life. What a joy to be free!

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“Although financial recovery is on the way for many of us, we found
we could not place money first. For us, material well-being always
followed spiritual progress; it never preceded.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, The Family Afterward, pg. 127~

Keep It Simple

Go and wake up your luck—Persian proverb

We’ve been given recovery. For this, we’re lucky. And we’re grateful. Now it’s up to us.
We must accept our choices. When we’re afraid, do we choose to be alone? Or do we choose to go to extra meeting? When we’re not honest, do we keep it secret? Or do we admit it and try to be more honest? No matter what we choose, we’re responsible for that choice. Through choices, we either make our program strong or weak. We can choose to be lucky. Or we can choose not to be. The choice is ours. Our addiction robbed us of choice. It taught us to blame others. Now we see ourselves as responsible.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me to choose wisely. Help me remember I’m responsible for my choices.

Action for the Day:
Today I’ll work at being responsible for my choices. I’ll see myself as one of the lucky ones.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You’re walking through life in a trance today, as if your personal bubble has expanded to encompass imaginary worlds that only graze reality. It seems so real that you feel you must tell someone about your splendid visions, and even take them along for a tour if they’re willing. However, there’s a chance that opening up to others will only pull you deeper into your magical playground, so choose your words wisely if you wish to remain productive in any capacity. Joseph Joubert wrote, “He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.”

DR – Jan 29, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
January 29, 2017

Daily Reflection

THE JOY OF SHARING

Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends—this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.
— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 89

To know that each newcomer with whom I share has the opportunity to experience the relief that I have found in this Fellowship fills me with joy and gratitude. I feel that all the things described in A.A. will come to pass for them, as they have for me, if they seize the opportunity and embrace the program fully.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it.”
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Into Action, pg. 73~

Keep It Simple

An alcoholic spends his life committing suicide on the installment plan.–Laurence Peter

None of us woke up one morning and found we had suddenly turned into an addict. We got to be one by practice. And we practiced often. We ignored our families–we left work early–and went drinking and drugging. Daily, we chose chemicals over anything else. Likewise, getting sober is no accident. We work the program. At meetings, we’re reminded to help others. We all get sober on the installment plan. A day at a time. We got sick one day at a time; we recover one day at a time.

Prayer for the Day:
Today, with my Higher Power’s help, I’ll be happier, more honest, more sober. Sobriety is like a good savings account. Higher Power, help me to put in more than I take out.

Action for the Day:
I’ll go over my Step One to remind myself it’s no accident I’m an addict.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

The curtain is pulled back today, uncovering a cold harsh truth about a close relationship. Everyone has secrets they feel they must hide from even their most intimate companions. Nevertheless, if you’ve been keeping too much sealed away for fear of rejection, it will likely be reflected by someone near and dear to you now. Reality can be hard to face and you may wish that you could pretend that you imagined the whole thing. However, it’s time to engage in heavy conversations even if you feel like running away. Fear only has the power you give it.