The Wait is Killing Me

Yesterday’s move was uneventful, thankfully! But then I waited around for delivery of my Spectrum Internet modem which never came. Finally hit the bed around 10pm, then woke up at 7am this morning. Delivery is schedule for “by the end of day” by FedEx. The wait is going to kill me.

Monday was a fiasco. Honestly, as previous noted, it was expected. First I received a text message someone would be over at 10am. They ended up moving in someone upstairs, so I knew there was going to be a delay. I waited until 11:30 am, “Are we going to meet anytime soon?”. The reply was, “Sorry got delayed, do you want to meet later today or tomorrow.” At this point my blood is starting to boil. All this was arranged last week. Key word here = was.

The next message I get is, “When are you going to move”. Now I’m hotter than a hot potato. Seriously, I meet with them last week when I signed the lease. I gave them an option of either Monday or Tuesday morning. We were going to meeting on Monday morning to finalize the move. I just gave up, throwing in the towel for Monday. Instead I took charge – something I rarely do these days.

“Well meet tomorrow at 10am, sign all paperwork and move.” It was agreed. Come Tuesday, there was a slight delay but eventually I got all my stuff over to the new place. Then I had to go back to the hold house to sign “paperwork”. Technically I didn’t because I’m not covered under any legal obligations (i.e. probation or parole, or any other organization requiring my “completion”). I simply did it as a courtesy. Instead, I wait another two hours. During the final interview when asked, “How would you rate the program? Did you receive the services you felt you deserved?, etc. I made a polite and calm statement, “The client declines to answer the question.” Instead of being ready when the staff member came over, we spent a good hour or more with her saying, “Let me guess or I know, ‘Client declines to answer question, right?’ with a slight agitated nod of my head.” I have nothing against her personally. It how inadequate the program runs, how clients are treated and in my opinion, their program is a complete and utter failure to the recovery community because of their incompetent staff (again not all).

After a few prayers on my way home, I said a few prayers leaving things up to my Higher Power. I’m not going to hold a resentment. It’s over and done with. It may not sound like it from what I just wrote but it really is gone. I haven’t thought about it until I wrote this now and I’m relieved it’s over.

Problem one was tackled, now I had to move on to the second problem. As I was waiting for my modem from Spectrum I checked with FedEx on the status – “a shipping label has been made” with an expected delivery date of Monday “by end of day”. Yet it hadn’t moved since the morning. ARG. In the meantime I put my bed together, sheets on. I arranged most of what I had where I wanted them. But it was getting late. I wanted to keep some sort of sleep schedule. I just assumed it wouldn’t be delivered so I went to bed.

I was right, as I looked at the status today showing it was on the truck for delivery by end of day. So I’ve been waiting. Everything in my house has been put away. Somethings have been moved here and there. I’ve smoked a cigarette almost every hour. Every truck that runs through I’m running to the front living room to see if it’s FedEx. Bat crazy, I know. The wait is killing me.

2:00 pm EST…

The saga continues – Grrrrrr

Finally got modem. Installed, accepted agreements, yada, yada…can’t connect. Noticed outside the line upstairs was disconnected physically. Called Spectrum asking for a technician to come out. Scheduled between 4 to 5 pm. Went to see a friend, coming home around 3:30pm and the tech is already at the house. Apparently all lines to second floor were cut. So he’s got to do his job and I’ll be all set.

4 pm EST …

Finally online. Now to catch some zzz’s.

Last Night – I Hope!

Tonight should be the last night in this house. Tomorrow if all goes well I’ll be moved into my new home. Then again, I might sleep here tomorrow night depending on circumstances. One thing in sobriety I have definitely learned is – I have no control.

Part of me still wants everything lined up just right, all my ducks in a row, to make sure things go smoothly. However, when I do and things turn out differently I’m terribly upset. This is always the case. Instead, I can make plans but I don’t expect anything. It’s interesting this comes up because two years ago today my old Sponsor passed away unexpectedly. He was the one who said all the time, “Mike if you expect things to happen you’re way, you’re only going to be disappointed.” Those words still ring bells in my head all the time.

I’ve made arrangements to have a staff member help me move (just drive) all my stuff in one trip to my new home. Already I’m thinking if things fall through I’m not going to be a happy camper. Matter of fact I’ll blow up at ’em all! I have to keep telling myself, “Don’t get yourself in a tizzy about something which hasn’t happened yet.” It’s an old behavior, actually a really annoying behavior, I’m working on to change. But change does take time. I can hope tomorrow’s events go smoothly.

Besides I still have my current place to fall back on for a couple of days. First, I haven’t received my Internet/cable box at the new place. If it arrives tomorrow, I’m set. Honestly, I don’t want to be stuck in the new place without some entertainment to keep me busy. On the other hand, I bought a bed-in-a-box which needs to be taken out and “rested” so it fills out. After I move it to the new place, I can pull it out of its box and let it “rest”, sleep at the old place, then Tuesday night say my goodbyes to the old place. I rather not sleep on the floor at the new place on the first night either.

I’m ready to go. Let’s hope for a speedy and smooth move to my new home. But if there are bumps along the way I’m just going to have to handle them one at a time. All I can do is hope for the best.

I’m actually surprised my anxiety is going through the roof!

AA Rule 62 – “Don’t take yourself too seriously.”

This is another focus I’ve concentrated on during this sobriety. In the past I had a tendency to put high expectations on people and myself only to wallow in frustration, anger, sometimes resentment when my expectations weren’t met. Today I’m aware just how much I’ve changed.

My first sponsor hit the nail on the head every time, “Mike, you’re to damn seriously.” I just couldn’t see it no matter how many times he said it to me. He also reminded me, though I didn’t really practice it, “If you don’t put out high expectations, you can’t be disappointed.” Like other sayings, this still rings in my head when I get in one of my moods.

For example, last night at work a co-worker and I had a discussion about how the job could be easier for us, if this or that person did this or that. Old me would have put 200% of my thoughts in the whole conversation getting frustrated and angry why it couldn’t be this way. I caught myself right there. I simply nodded and said, “Okay”. When at work in the past old me would have looked at the day expecting to get everything done exceeding what was expected of me. At the end of the day when I didn’t get what I want accomplished, I would get down on myself sinking myself into a pit of despair.

I don’t think I’ve ever been this relaxed at work. I literally go in with no expectations at all. As with many jobs, we have production goals per day. There are a set amount of hours expected to do certain jobs. I’m certainly not lazy, I do my job. Though I may be new to this whole experience, I still push towards those expected goals. Last night, I actually got all pallets and carts stocked, cardboard and pallets off the floor two hours earlier than the previous day. At one point I didn’t think I would get things done because I noticed I put a few things in the wrong places and had to switch things around. I was actually proud of myself for getting all that done. But again, I’m not going to expect myself to do this night after night. I have to be comfortable doing a job to the best of my ability and not worrying what others think, especially myself. I’m to get the job done, not be a show off. If the employer doesn’t feel I meet their expectations in the future, I have to be comfortable that perhaps it’s just not the right job for me. But such a though doesn’t mean its okay to slack off. I still have to push myself.

I’ve also noticed when I get home I actually relax. Instead of jumping on the computer to get this and that done, I watch some early morning news – even though I’m really not paying attention. The old me use to get immediately on the computer to do this and that, then get so overwhelmed when I didn’t get what I wanted done. “Rome didn’t get build it a day”. “Does it have to be done right now? Does it have to be done by me? Does it have to be done at all?” No, no and no. In my head, I still think, “Oh my God, this, this, this, this and this, I can’t get it all done right now. NOT – failed each and every time. Usually I’ll fix my dinner after watching some boring news cycle, then take a shower and head to bed. Unwinding from the day is something I don’t think I really did in my past.

The program of Alcoholics Anonymous has given me so many tools to use to change my life, if I’m willing to use them. I can be stubborn sometimes. I screw up and fall back to old ways. I now have a better awareness of my destructive behaviors. I’m learning how to change them. That is progress not perfection.