Tag: responsibility

WORK: A Huge Stress Trigger!

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings, Work Rant3 Comments

WARNING: This is a long rant to read since it’s my first in forever

Another point of this blog is to allow others to have an inside look into the life of an addict. What a recovering or active addict thinks, feels and goes through in the daily life. Ideally for me a reflection of my day and how I dealt with any issues that came up (and I have plenty). So there is never a better place to start then today.

First, I am currently not sober again. I returned to sobriety at the beginning of the year. I held my sobriety for two months on my own (problem 1). Then life threw screwballs at me and I said “screw it”. The point is, I didn’t have the support I needed to continue my sobriety. So here we are.

As you know from the previous post, I fell into a depressive state lately. Work, home, no social life, financials issues, my drinking. It just all got to me. I was literally in daze for four days. I ended up going to work on Wednesday but then calling in sick on Thursday.

My daily routine is to wake up at 830pm, feed my cats, get dressed for work, make sure the daily reading(s) are scheduled to post at the appropriate time. Wait outside for my ride to work. What is really sad is I texted my fellow co-worker/neighbor to pick me up to drive me to work on his day off! I thought is was still Thursday, not Friday???

Background work: Walmart

In 2018, I moved to where I currently live after going to rehab for the second time and living in a supportive living program here in town. I finally got a job at Wal-mart as a stocker. I ended up working for two and a half years before I took a leave of absence (I quit withdrew my 401K and stocks) for three months but couldn’t find another job. I reapplied and it took a month for them to ask me back for an interview. HR hired me on the spot and I have thus continued my employment.

Work has a HUGE STRESS impact on me. I wish I could find another job but I don’t drive and there is nothing comparable to the wages that I currently earn there. So, I just deal with it or try to or don’t. It’s a shite show every single day I go into work.

Coaches (managers) don’t communicate to themselves (personal issues) nor to team leads (supervisors) comminate with themselves. You can all six the same question and you get six different answers. Then there are the associates. OMfG, Walmart hires anyone who can breathe (which I understand since we are always short on Associates on the overnight/graveyard, night shift.) I stop there before I get into deep things. Since this is a public post I don’t want get in trouble. However, I will give you an example of what I went through tonight.

For many months now I have been working strictly in the dairy department. That would be the yogurt wall, cheese wall, butter wall and meat wall (bacon, sausages, lunch meats, etc. <- which we call 97 [a department code].) Typically 2nd shift breaks down our pallets and we run the charts. One would usually run creamers and drinks, while the other(s) would run the other charts. On average we have about four to six pallets of freight down stacked (broken down) to 8 carts on average. Typically I have two or three people depending on the load and how many associates we have on shift.

Tonight we had six pallets. Basically a pallet and a half of creamers/drinks and the other were all dairy/97. So my associate decides to do drinks. I’m fine with that, as I am nursing a bad leg at present (more on that later). I assumed he would help me break down the rest of the pallets to carts….nope. The selfish ahole took four plus hours for drinks (which is average) while I broke down the rest of the pallets leaving one at half since it looked like all 97 – meat wall stuff.

So breaking down a palette includes….

  • 1 or more charts for the yogurt wall (three today)
  • 1 or more charts for the cheese wall (four today)
  • 1 or more charts for the butter wall (one and a half)
  • 1 or more for 97 [the meat wall] two today)
  • 1 or more carts for Deli and another 1 or two for Deli meats
  • Summary: 10 charts for my department and another two for Deli all down stacked by myself???

At the end of the day, we got it done. But still there were even more issues I had to deal with.

Walmart LIngo: Facings are how many stacks of product side by side. Cap count is the maximum number of product on the shelf. Corporate sets these, however we may change them (which we souldn’t but do) because we’re an older store and don’t have the right shelves, etc. We are actually getting remodeled next year to hopefully correct that problem.

After down stacking one pallet I decided to run freight because I don’t have carts to put another pallet on. Why? Because jackasses leave random shit on carts all through the building because they are lazy and don’t clean up from themselves. Then other people just leave ’em because “I didn’t do it”. Yet, management expects the carts we use at the end of the night to be clean so when first shift comes in they have available carts. Wait…what? You don’t hold the other shifts to the same standards at third shift? I call bullshite when I see it!! But nothing is done.

Cheese wall first. My pet peeve is then people stock shreded cheese in the finely shreded cheese and vice versa. I happens all the time. Or the make a new facing when I product should only be two, but they make there becase the box the opened has more then appriate for the shelf cap. No one gives a shit, but it’s expected someone takes the time to fix it and it’s always me. Why? Because other product won’t fit and management throughs a fit because it shows up on their reports that something wasn’t stocked that should be.

This is with all other sections too! Who to they blame? I’m the one who hears it because now our technology allows Coaches to assign tasks to Associates and we are responsible for signing off on them when they are done. Then when they do a ‘walk’ (1st shift walks with 3rd shift to learn what happened through the night) someone comments on how such and such wasn’t done. Who gets the finger pointed? Me. Honestly, it’s not as bad as it sounds. The point is there is not accountability for ANY of the Associates. Out teamleads usually come around 15 minutes before breaks and lunch (1145pm, 0145am and 0545am). Sometimes they ask, “How you are doing?”. Lately, they don’t even ask.

Tonight, help would have been appreciated by my fellow Associate and perhaps another Assocaite to help with any other freight not run. Nope. No one cares because we always getting it done regardless of the number of associates. However, those of us who take pride in our jobs get angry because we have to pull the weight and get things done. On the other hand, the other Associates are not “coached” (warned, written up, etc.) about their productivity. It’s just so exhausting. People can handle it, “Yeah whatever, I don’t care, nor do they.” Versus, me, “Damn wrong. I have a work ethic. If something is asked of me I do it. I don’t need the compliments that it’s done. However, if I have other Associates working with me, don’t blame me. I’m not a Teamlead (nor ever will be or higher). That is your job and you guys/gals fail at it on a daily basis.

Summary:

Work is a HUGE stress factor in my life. Many of you are thinking, “Why not change jobs.” I simply can’t. First, I don’t drive. Second, there is only one company who pays similar or more then I get paid now. That’s running a mechanical line of metal objects all night long. First, not for me. Second, I don’t have transportation to get there if I could. All the other jobs in the area pay much less than I make now.

What can I do? I TELL myself something a team lead (supervisor) told me years go, “You’re here to earn a paycheck. Just come in, do you job and come home!” Ummm…no. I’m not that type of person. There are reasons certainly policies are put in place, yet everyone just ignores ’em. Then they blame the more experienced Associate for THEIR failures. It’s so frustrating. I try my best to do what I need to do with no complaints and go home, but there is always something I find that isn’t right screwing us up. We get so much unnecessary freight each night because no one gives a shite. For example, ten pieces of product are on the shelf, yet I just received twelve more. The reason being is because people put more product on the shelf then required and our keeps reordering more product since it was sold. It’s just madness. People just don’t comprehend the process and thus ‘cus the various problems.

Alright, I’m done. Whether you understood what I went through or not. I need to prepare myself for bed to get up and go back to the circus.

Thank you for listening!

The War of Two Egos

On By mikeykjrIn BCS-SE, Personal2 Comments

As mentioned earlier, I’m about to start college . . . again . . . to obtain my Bachelors in Computer Science with an emphasis in Software Engineering. Things are about to get crazy. I’m at little freaked out about what is going to happen in the next eight weeks.

First thought – what the f**k are you thinking? You have a full-time job AND you’re about to take on a full-time schedule in college? Right now I’m probably in the best phase of my life I’ve ever lived. Peaceful. Yet a part of me feels like were inviting chaos into my life which we all know always goes sideways. We’ve been down this road – you failed. Why are you putting yourself on this road – again?

While my life may seem to be peaceful, I don’t feel fulfilled. There is part of me which isn’t happy where I am. I want more. I expect better for myself. There is a void in me needing to be filled.

I can try to convince myself, “You can do this.” It’s a lie. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a dark room flailing my arms around trying to figure my way out. Scared out of mind, about to shit my pants looking for damn light switch danging from above only to find out its not there and bang – damn that wall – f**k me.

A glimpse of what’s goes on in my head – scary actually:

Isn’t this called self-sabotage? You have finally reached the starting point of a major goal in your life. Yet, you want to quit before you even get started? You’re better than this.

Perhaps but . . .

Remember, anything past the ‘but’ is a lie . . .

Oh shut up . . .

You know I’m right! Bitch!

This is just one of those moments in life I need to take three deep breaths, slowly inhale, slowly exhale all the while listening to Tibetan singing bowls in the background. I always feel much better even after a couple of minutes. I really should do such things more often!

In reality, this is not happening today or tomorrow. It’s not happening until next week. Why am I getting myself all curled up like a rattlesnake, shaking that tail about to strike with deadly fangs? Because I’m human. It’s a basic human emotion called fear!

Snap out of it!

This is one of the reasons I miss writing even if it’s to myself. I get the impression I have two versions of myself. A strong, confident type who has gone through enough shit in his life. He says just do it like a blacksmith bringing down a hammer on a hot piece of metal on an anvil, sparks flying all over the place. Slow and steady, my boy! On the other hand, there is the (still) meek, timid, always nervous man who wants to succeed but doubts still rise from the ashes of his past failures. Sometimes it’s quite the battle going on up there.

Enough. There are others time too, I get tired of myself talking like this to myself. It’s done. I made the commitment, I enrolled. I am registered for classes and purchased books. There is no turning back. Besides, it’s not today. Literally don’t worry about it right now or even at all.

I need to enjoy the some peace and quiet right now. Next week it’s going to be a whole new ball game. This battle is probably now over. It may have just started **cringe**

I admit I am strange . . .

Came to Believe . . .

On By mikeykjrIn The 12 Step SeriesLeave a comment

In the various 12-Step meetings, they all have adapted the same for Step 2: “Came to believe in a Power Greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” For many, we rejected the idea of God or a Higher Power because “what did He/She/They/Them do for me when I was drinking”? Many nights all those fox hole prayers were never answered. This Step is another stumbling block for many newcomers, even myself.

Throughout the early years of my life, I rejected the Christian God and Christianity in general. It just wasn’t doing anything for me. Specifically, getting me out of the hell hole I was living with an abusive (physical, mental and emotionally) mother and enabling, codependent father. However, I did acknowledge an existence of what I called “a presence” which I found through Nature, Herself. Eventually those beliefs brought me in believing in Those I choose to today, which out of respect for all religions, I simply call my Higher Power.

At the beginning of my sobriety, AA asked me to stop drinking – one day at a time. What? Me? Are you serious? My friend, my lover, my companion, the “thing” that kept me insane from all the insanity in my life? It happened.

As I grew in days and months of my sobriety, now AA asked me to “come to believe in a Power greater than myself to restore me to sanity.” Whoa..wait a minute…put the breaks on! I had my own beliefs and it didn’t include “God”. However, I was reminded of three things from my Sponsor, “If there is anything in this program I ask of you, it is to be honest with yourself and others, an open-mind to experience new ideas and a willingness to try new things.” With much reluctance my response was, “Fine.”

I heard in meetings and was reminded by my Sponsor, which I passed on to those I sponsored later, “Step 2 only says, ‘Came to believe'”. Therefore, with an open mind and my willingness I began to connect with my Higher Power as I knew Them. My trust in Them grew exponentially as time passed. Now, I explain two things to people about this Step to help them out. This didn’t happen over night, it took months, if not years to develop the relationship I have with my Higher Power I have today.

For me, if my gut tells me something is right or wrong; go left, not right; choose the blue box not the red box; I have a choice. Yet, in early sobriety I didn’t choose because I knew no better. However, later on after some experience, I did have a choice. It’s called taking responsibility for my actions and trusting in my Higher Power. For me, my gut is my Higher Power speaking through me. Therefore, if I choose against what my “guy” is telling me, I must accept those consequences.

At a men’s meeting I use to attend to years ago, I will never forget how a friend of mine explained how he practices this Step. “When I don’t know what to do, when I’m in a bad situation, when I think about using, I simply look up and say, ‘Can you help me out?'” Simple, yet revolutionary!

We as alcoholics, addicts, codependents, etc., tend to complicate matters, hence the saying, “Keep it simple, stupid!” Whether you have a religious background or not, it doesn’t matter. Most 12-step programs are spiritual programs. I explain ‘spiritual’ as ‘finding your true Self’. Who do you want to be in recovery – the same piece of shit with two legs meandering through life aimlessly when drinking like I did?

If you haven’t recognized another important part of recovery, it is you can’t do it alone! We have all suffered enough so let others help you, especially in a Higher Power. With the help of a Higher Power, your life will change.

It may be difficult at first to digest this concept. We were all in your shoes. But try one of the two methods I describe above. Don’t think about it, just do it. My Sponsor use to say, “Don’t expect anything. If you expect something and it doesn’t happen, you are only going to disappoint yourself. If you think about it, our addiction will convince us to do otherwise.

Do it just once a day? Do it when you need some help, there is no meeting, you don’t have a Sponsor yet or you just want to practice it. Did it work for you? What happened? Keep working on it.

Eventually connecting with your Higher Power will become second nature. Sometimes in my own life, especially now in my own early sobriety, I use the methods described above. They work. You have to trust and “come to believe in a Higher Power greater than yourself. The second part of the step, “…could restore us to sanity” just comes with time with the practice of the rest of the 12 Steps.

Good luck and remember – Today, don’t drink!

Full Circle

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

Yesterday I had an appointment to view some property in Van Etten, NY. As I drove to my destination, I went through Spencer, NY. I was flooded with memories of the times at the end of my drinking days. All I could do to stay on the road was to keep wiping my eyes from the flood of tears coming down my cheeks. It’s interesting how things have come full circle.

I can remember months before my sobriety date in 2007. I was drinking at least a 30 pack of Milwaukee’s Best lager or more. It was only $7.00 for a 12 pack or $15 for a 30-pack with a short trip to Pennsylvania. The things I did to get beer.

As I passed a certain road, I remember the all day trip it took me just to get my beer. Four miles of road took me an hour and a half one way, so THREE HOURS total. I would buy a 12-pack at the store, go back home and by the time I hit my front door, I have a couple cans left. I would take a nap and go back into town to get another 12-pack for the night. Absolute insanity.

Meanwhile, my rent was three months late. My landlord was threatening to throw me out. I didn’t have a job. My unemployment had run out in November. I had no fuel for heat, so I was running to a gas station to get 2 gallons of kerosene every day too. I couldn’t even think of food. My refrigerator was empty. In the last couple of days, I couldn’t remember the last time I took a shower because I had used all the propane, so I had no hot water either. It was a miserable experience.

Now it has come full circle. I’m full of emotions because that was who I was at the time. Today I’m 150% a different person. I am a responsible adult who pays his bills on time, is not in threat of eviction or lack of basic services. I have transportation and a well paying job. I am committed to traveling the path I am on with sobriety. But don’t think the journey has ended.

I’m beginning, yet another, new chapter in my life.  As I search for a new home closer to work, new stresses will begin to pop up I’m sure. Yes, there will be bumps in the road. But in the end, I’ll survive without grabbing for a drink.

Now I have this song in my head:  https://youtu.be/fCR0ep31-6U

The Plan & Epic Failure

On By mikeykjrIn Personal9 Comments

I have a thousand emotions running through my veins right now.  Perhaps it’s not the right place nor the write time to write about it.  But I need to get it out, otherwise I’m going to go crazy. The plan was to politely tell my Sponsor I would like to remain friends, ending our AA relationship, but it turned out to be an epic failure.

Joe and I arranged to have lunch at a local deli.  I was already expecting to be asked, ‘So what are you pissed at me about.”  I was right.  Not five minutes through the door the question was asked.  Really? I told him it was not the appropriate place nor time.

After our lunch, we met at his house.  First words, “So, go ahead and lay it into me . . .” Really? The plan was to bring up such topics as:

  • Putting salt in open wounds (recent rude, condescending remarks via text)
  • Interrupting
  • Hypocrisy (saying one thing, yet doing another)
  • Pawning things on others
  • Not accepting responsibility for own faults

In a calm nature, I explained that I had enough.  He interrupts about something completely different. **grind teeth** We disagree about comments made the other day, so I pull out my phone.  Joe, “I now what I said, you don’t have to show me.”  Really?  Obviously you have forgotten.  Then he doesn’t listen, just blabs away blaming everything on me.

I was done.  I got up and left.  But then I had to return to get MY DVD player which was on loan to him.  He gave me choice works, “You’re going to take my only entertainment?” (because he has no cable, something he CHOSE because he can’t afford it). “What about the cats?” Seriously, Joe.  You’ve had them for 19 years (he says) and wants to pawn them on me. “You’ve become so vindictive since you’re new job.”  Seriously . . . “Mike, why are you running.  You always run from your problems and don’t face them.”  Ummm, okay.

People in AA tell me all the time, “Mike, what the HELL do you see in that guy.  He’ll just f**k  you over, like everyone else.”  I’ve ignored those comments for years.  He was a really nice guy with the right intentions.  However, since his argument with his landlord, then moving to a new place and downsizing considerably, he’s become another person.  A person I choose no longer to be associated with anymore.

I want to punch a wall, cry my brains out, scream at the top of my lungs. But honestly, I feel sorry for him. One of the few strong relationships, besides his family, now gone. I know he thinks this will just blow over in a few weeks or months.  It won’t.

I wanted to be civil. To help him understand why I felt the way I did.  Instead, he didn’t want to hear it.  He wanted to turn everything around on me. Not having it.

Another chapter in my life is now closed.

The end.