Tag: stress

WORK: A Huge Stress Trigger!

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings, Work Rant3 Comments

WARNING: This is a long rant to read since it’s my first in forever

Another point of this blog is to allow others to have an inside look into the life of an addict. What a recovering or active addict thinks, feels and goes through in the daily life. Ideally for me a reflection of my day and how I dealt with any issues that came up (and I have plenty). So there is never a better place to start then today.

First, I am currently not sober again. I returned to sobriety at the beginning of the year. I held my sobriety for two months on my own (problem 1). Then life threw screwballs at me and I said “screw it”. The point is, I didn’t have the support I needed to continue my sobriety. So here we are.

As you know from the previous post, I fell into a depressive state lately. Work, home, no social life, financials issues, my drinking. It just all got to me. I was literally in daze for four days. I ended up going to work on Wednesday but then calling in sick on Thursday.

My daily routine is to wake up at 830pm, feed my cats, get dressed for work, make sure the daily reading(s) are scheduled to post at the appropriate time. Wait outside for my ride to work. What is really sad is I texted my fellow co-worker/neighbor to pick me up to drive me to work on his day off! I thought is was still Thursday, not Friday???

Background work: Walmart

In 2018, I moved to where I currently live after going to rehab for the second time and living in a supportive living program here in town. I finally got a job at Wal-mart as a stocker. I ended up working for two and a half years before I took a leave of absence (I quit withdrew my 401K and stocks) for three months but couldn’t find another job. I reapplied and it took a month for them to ask me back for an interview. HR hired me on the spot and I have thus continued my employment.

Work has a HUGE STRESS impact on me. I wish I could find another job but I don’t drive and there is nothing comparable to the wages that I currently earn there. So, I just deal with it or try to or don’t. It’s a shite show every single day I go into work.

Coaches (managers) don’t communicate to themselves (personal issues) nor to team leads (supervisors) comminate with themselves. You can all six the same question and you get six different answers. Then there are the associates. OMfG, Walmart hires anyone who can breathe (which I understand since we are always short on Associates on the overnight/graveyard, night shift.) I stop there before I get into deep things. Since this is a public post I don’t want get in trouble. However, I will give you an example of what I went through tonight.

For many months now I have been working strictly in the dairy department. That would be the yogurt wall, cheese wall, butter wall and meat wall (bacon, sausages, lunch meats, etc. <- which we call 97 [a department code].) Typically 2nd shift breaks down our pallets and we run the charts. One would usually run creamers and drinks, while the other(s) would run the other charts. On average we have about four to six pallets of freight down stacked (broken down) to 8 carts on average. Typically I have two or three people depending on the load and how many associates we have on shift.

Tonight we had six pallets. Basically a pallet and a half of creamers/drinks and the other were all dairy/97. So my associate decides to do drinks. I’m fine with that, as I am nursing a bad leg at present (more on that later). I assumed he would help me break down the rest of the pallets to carts….nope. The selfish ahole took four plus hours for drinks (which is average) while I broke down the rest of the pallets leaving one at half since it looked like all 97 – meat wall stuff.

So breaking down a palette includes….

  • 1 or more charts for the yogurt wall (three today)
  • 1 or more charts for the cheese wall (four today)
  • 1 or more charts for the butter wall (one and a half)
  • 1 or more for 97 [the meat wall] two today)
  • 1 or more carts for Deli and another 1 or two for Deli meats
  • Summary: 10 charts for my department and another two for Deli all down stacked by myself???

At the end of the day, we got it done. But still there were even more issues I had to deal with.

Walmart LIngo: Facings are how many stacks of product side by side. Cap count is the maximum number of product on the shelf. Corporate sets these, however we may change them (which we souldn’t but do) because we’re an older store and don’t have the right shelves, etc. We are actually getting remodeled next year to hopefully correct that problem.

After down stacking one pallet I decided to run freight because I don’t have carts to put another pallet on. Why? Because jackasses leave random shit on carts all through the building because they are lazy and don’t clean up from themselves. Then other people just leave ’em because “I didn’t do it”. Yet, management expects the carts we use at the end of the night to be clean so when first shift comes in they have available carts. Wait…what? You don’t hold the other shifts to the same standards at third shift? I call bullshite when I see it!! But nothing is done.

Cheese wall first. My pet peeve is then people stock shreded cheese in the finely shreded cheese and vice versa. I happens all the time. Or the make a new facing when I product should only be two, but they make there becase the box the opened has more then appriate for the shelf cap. No one gives a shit, but it’s expected someone takes the time to fix it and it’s always me. Why? Because other product won’t fit and management throughs a fit because it shows up on their reports that something wasn’t stocked that should be.

This is with all other sections too! Who to they blame? I’m the one who hears it because now our technology allows Coaches to assign tasks to Associates and we are responsible for signing off on them when they are done. Then when they do a ‘walk’ (1st shift walks with 3rd shift to learn what happened through the night) someone comments on how such and such wasn’t done. Who gets the finger pointed? Me. Honestly, it’s not as bad as it sounds. The point is there is not accountability for ANY of the Associates. Out teamleads usually come around 15 minutes before breaks and lunch (1145pm, 0145am and 0545am). Sometimes they ask, “How you are doing?”. Lately, they don’t even ask.

Tonight, help would have been appreciated by my fellow Associate and perhaps another Assocaite to help with any other freight not run. Nope. No one cares because we always getting it done regardless of the number of associates. However, those of us who take pride in our jobs get angry because we have to pull the weight and get things done. On the other hand, the other Associates are not “coached” (warned, written up, etc.) about their productivity. It’s just so exhausting. People can handle it, “Yeah whatever, I don’t care, nor do they.” Versus, me, “Damn wrong. I have a work ethic. If something is asked of me I do it. I don’t need the compliments that it’s done. However, if I have other Associates working with me, don’t blame me. I’m not a Teamlead (nor ever will be or higher). That is your job and you guys/gals fail at it on a daily basis.

Summary:

Work is a HUGE stress factor in my life. Many of you are thinking, “Why not change jobs.” I simply can’t. First, I don’t drive. Second, there is only one company who pays similar or more then I get paid now. That’s running a mechanical line of metal objects all night long. First, not for me. Second, I don’t have transportation to get there if I could. All the other jobs in the area pay much less than I make now.

What can I do? I TELL myself something a team lead (supervisor) told me years go, “You’re here to earn a paycheck. Just come in, do you job and come home!” Ummm…no. I’m not that type of person. There are reasons certainly policies are put in place, yet everyone just ignores ’em. Then they blame the more experienced Associate for THEIR failures. It’s so frustrating. I try my best to do what I need to do with no complaints and go home, but there is always something I find that isn’t right screwing us up. We get so much unnecessary freight each night because no one gives a shite. For example, ten pieces of product are on the shelf, yet I just received twelve more. The reason being is because people put more product on the shelf then required and our keeps reordering more product since it was sold. It’s just madness. People just don’t comprehend the process and thus ‘cus the various problems.

Alright, I’m done. Whether you understood what I went through or not. I need to prepare myself for bed to get up and go back to the circus.

Thank you for listening!

Last Night – I Hope!

On By mikeykjrIn Personal6 Comments

Tonight should be the last night in this house. Tomorrow if all goes well I’ll be moved into my new home. Then again, I might sleep here tomorrow night depending on circumstances. One thing in sobriety I have definitely learned is – I have no control.

Part of me still wants everything lined up just right, all my ducks in a row, to make sure things go smoothly. However, when I do and things turn out differently I’m terribly upset. This is always the case. Instead, I can make plans but I don’t expect anything. It’s interesting this comes up because two years ago today my old Sponsor passed away unexpectedly. He was the one who said all the time, “Mike if you expect things to happen you’re way, you’re only going to be disappointed.” Those words still ring bells in my head all the time.

I’ve made arrangements to have a staff member help me move (just drive) all my stuff in one trip to my new home. Already I’m thinking if things fall through I’m not going to be a happy camper. Matter of fact I’ll blow up at ’em all! I have to keep telling myself, “Don’t get yourself in a tizzy about something which hasn’t happened yet.” It’s an old behavior, actually a really annoying behavior, I’m working on to change. But change does take time. I can hope tomorrow’s events go smoothly.

Besides I still have my current place to fall back on for a couple of days. First, I haven’t received my Internet/cable box at the new place. If it arrives tomorrow, I’m set. Honestly, I don’t want to be stuck in the new place without some entertainment to keep me busy. On the other hand, I bought a bed-in-a-box which needs to be taken out and “rested” so it fills out. After I move it to the new place, I can pull it out of its box and let it “rest”, sleep at the old place, then Tuesday night say my goodbyes to the old place. I rather not sleep on the floor at the new place on the first night either.

I’m ready to go. Let’s hope for a speedy and smooth move to my new home. But if there are bumps along the way I’m just going to have to handle them one at a time. All I can do is hope for the best.

I’m actually surprised my anxiety is going through the roof!

Difficulties

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

For some reason this week is difficult for me. Last week I was full of gratitude. This week is a whole other story. I don’t like how I’m reacting to things. I call people but people never call me back. Online meetings just aren’t the same as face-to-face meetings. When I get a feeling “something is wrong” I know I need to change things.

Last week I was going to write about the increased gratitude I have for having many thing in my life. Many are bitching and complaining about being cooped up, not working, at home with their families all day long, etc. Really? Yet, in normal circumstances you can’t wait for a weekend, want a long vacation or crave the attention of your family because you don’t think you have enough time for them? Now you have that time, so make use of it.

I am categorized as an “essential” employee, so I don’t get the luxury of time off. The only changes in my life are no face-to-face meetings and no customers in the store when I work, otherwise its just like any other normal day. Sometimes I feel like I live in a bubble and wish I could be walking in your shoes. Then the bubble pops and I snap back into reality – what the hell is really going on?

As I’ve started to work again, I noticed many things I still need to work on. Not working, yet working on sobriety is completely different. It’s much easier. Working and living sobriety is just plain much harder. I recognize this, so I have to put more work into my sobriety.

For instance, last night, I let the temper get the best of me. Things just weren’t going my way. That was problem one. The little things turned into big things and it just kept getting worse and worse. I let it keep getting worse and worse until I walked out the door. I need to take the time to take a deep breath and be grateful I have a job right now. I also need to remind myself “things will happen when they are suppose to happen”.

Right now, my search for an apartment is at a stand still. There is absolutely nothing in the area available to rent. I wanted to move out April 1st. Now that isn’t going to happen. To compound the issue, I have a new roommate who moved in this afternoon. My two roommates woke me up when this was happening so I only got about five hours of sleep. Here we go again – the little things frustrating me turning into big things. Problem two I need to work on – do I really need to let this shit to bother me? No. At least I have a roof over my head – be grateful.

Frustrated, as is everyone else, so it’s normal. But part of me feels selfish thinking the way I feel. So I’m glad I actually read, slowly, my own daily readings. There was a message there I needed to hear. I’ve been just posting and not really reading my own readings lately. I need to stop myself and read them, practice them and work on them. That is how this whole sobriety things works in the first place, right?

And there you go, my mood is changing. Suddenly I don’t feel as bitchy and whiny. Sobriety can be a wonderful thing, if I let it and work on it.

My Absence

On By mikeykjrIn Personal7 Comments

The whole month of October continues to be a difficult one for me. Mostly all job related has added much stress in my life.  I suffered a TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) or “mini-stroke” back in May 2011, as a result of my addiction.  While I’ve tried to change my lifestyle (i.e. losing weight, eating healthy, starting a fitness routine, etc.), I have not been really proactive at it on a daily basis. Thankfully, I have a three day weekend. Therefore, I’m going to continue a sabbatical from this blog and concentrate on my spirituality. Things need to change very quickly.

My blood pressure is up 20 points which concerns me. I know I have too much stress in my life (as documented here). There are times when my anger gets ahold of me and I haven’t had that happen, as it does now, in many years. I’m now fearing for my job as four people have been terminated in the last week. So hearing this adds much more added pressure.

Since I moved to my new home, I have not had the chance to set up a new Primary Care Provider. While I would like to stay with United Healthcare Systems (because all my history is there), I’m also thinking to change to something different. Right now I”m leaning on staying with UHS due to the current situation. However, doing so would require a “new patient visit” and a “follow up appointment”. Thankfully my current meds are still renewed through my old PCP. The point is I need to get the ball rolling on a new PCP.

I have not dealt with the death of Heart, my cat, well either. Many days I’m more depressed than anything because I have no one to talk to or care for. While I promised myself I would do so when I moved in July, I really haven’t. Instead, my concentration was on Heart. Now that Heart is gone, its hard to move the focus back to me. I’m not sure if I’ve gone through all the grieving stages.

I need to revisit all of the 12 Steps. I have grown complacent in the last couple of months not truly “living the program”. That needs to change before something drastic happens to my sobriety.

I’m almost ONE MONTH from TEN YEARS of sobriety. I’m NOT going to through it all away. Right now, I have that choice but if things progress down the road I’m going, I may not be here at all.

 

A Weekend of Relaxation & Positivity

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

Another frustrating week is now over, thank the Gods! On Thursday and Friday, I felt like I was an inactive volcano ready to explode. I’m just glad I wasn’t scheduled this weekend because I have plans of my own I need to get done around the house. So I’m planning a weekend of relaxation and positivity.

One, I am not going to rush to do anything. I’m going to relax. For the last couple of weeks, my blood pressure is a little high (the top number or diastolic is in the 130’s or 140’s) and my pulse is way down to the 50’s. I’m on medications for blood pressure but I haven’t been eating good, healthy food, nor have I been getting good rest.

The biggest contributing factor is work. We all love to hate work, so I know I’m not the only one feeling this way.  While I love my work and the care I give to my residents, as a CNA, I get so annoyed, frustrated and just plain MAD at the bull**** .

Most of my residents have some form of dementia. But we also have those temporarily staying for rehabilitation. Most of them are also elderly, set in their ways and can be very needy at times. Many times I’m running around “like a chicken with no head”!

There was a management change a few months back. However, the new DON (Director of Nursing) hasn’t really got a handle on things (in my opinion). , thus bring in an ADON (Assistant Director of Nursing) and a few Supervisors. One supervisor, for me, is like a dream come true, clamping down on policies and procedures that should be followed at all times. While she’s doing her best, she asked for my patience for coming changes.

Enough about work since I vowed not even to think about work this weekend. I have a few things on my list I need to get done. For instance, I need to clean this house. Since I’ve been work so much lately (50 – 60 hours per week), things are getting a tad bit untidy around here. I don’t like it, at all! Second, I’m going grocery shopping. I mean really spending money on some good food that will last me a while.  I spend approximately $10 per day on fast food for dinner every night. It’s not healthy and I told myself I was going to start cooking more when I moved to my new place.

I have a few things on my list I need to get done. For instance, I need to clean this house. Since I’ve been work so much lately (50 – 60 hours per week), things are getting a tad bit untidy around here. I don’t like it, at all! Second, I’m going grocery shopping. I mean really spending money on some good food that will last me a while.  I spend approximately $10 per day on fast food for dinner every night. It’s not healthy and I told myself I was going to start cooking more when I moved to my new place. Third, I’m going to make a short trip to the casino, so I can get out and have some fun. They are luring me with coupons of free play and a free buffet for lunch, so why not? It’s a very dreary day anyway.

Right now I have some meditation music on my tablet playing with some sandalwood incense burning in the background. I think I’m going to meditate a while when Heart (my cat) goes back to sleep and stops meowing at me to love her (LOL). Perhaps take a shower, then head to the casino for some lunch and some fun.

 

Letting Go

On By mikeykjrIn Personal, Work Rant2 Comments

I’m proud of myself, yet there is much I am still learning about the principle “Letting Go” specifically in the workplace. Workplace stress affects us all in different ways. Some people have the ability to handle it. While others, like myself, have difficult times. In recent days, I’m taking new measures (or steps) to not let work relationships bother me.

Many times in this blog I have written about my frustrations at work. Working as a certified nursing assistant (CNA) I’m responsible for the lives of those I care for, all the while dealing with different personalities of my co-workers, and attempting to manage my own life in sobriety. At times this can be a monumental task.

For instance, we have 30 residents on a floor. We are divided into three teams to handle the workload. With a particular group of individuals, we work as a team to accomplish our tasks. We set a plan in motion at the beginning of our shift of how things should flow to ensure we are successful in our responsibilities. But at the end of the night, I’m frustrated because a majority of the work is done by one individual. My fear is I will be accused of not doing my own workload.

But at the end of the night, I’m frustrated because a majority of the work is done by one individual. My fear is I will be accused of not doing my own workload. I have talked to this individual to “slow down” allowing the other two of us to “pull our own weight”. Yet, I feel my concerns fall on deaf ears. What bothers me the most is when this individual turns around to complain she is doing all the work.

In addition, this individual takes it upon herself to work with an active injury. Knowing this, I’ve suggested the individual takes measures to ensure their own welfare. Again, my concerns and suggestions fall on deaf ears. Yet, the individual will begin to loudly complain, “I just can’t do this anymore . . .” It gets annoying after a while.

What does this have to do with me? Absolutely nothing – that is the point. This individual is responsible for their own choices. No matter how annoying or frustrated I get, this individual is causing her own chaos. I have to remind myself of the simple principle of “Letting it Go”.

My fear of being accused of not doing my own workload will subside. It is my understanding this individual has already taken measures to change responsibilities in the coming weeks. In the meantime, I’m trying the best of my ability not to let my frustrations and annoyance get the better of me. That in itself is the challenge I face.