Last Night – I Hope!

Tonight should be the last night in this house. Tomorrow if all goes well I’ll be moved into my new home. Then again, I might sleep here tomorrow night depending on circumstances. One thing in sobriety I have definitely learned is – I have no control.

Part of me still wants everything lined up just right, all my ducks in a row, to make sure things go smoothly. However, when I do and things turn out differently I’m terribly upset. This is always the case. Instead, I can make plans but I don’t expect anything. It’s interesting this comes up because two years ago today my old Sponsor passed away unexpectedly. He was the one who said all the time, “Mike if you expect things to happen you’re way, you’re only going to be disappointed.” Those words still ring bells in my head all the time.

I’ve made arrangements to have a staff member help me move (just drive) all my stuff in one trip to my new home. Already I’m thinking if things fall through I’m not going to be a happy camper. Matter of fact I’ll blow up at ’em all! I have to keep telling myself, “Don’t get yourself in a tizzy about something which hasn’t happened yet.” It’s an old behavior, actually a really annoying behavior, I’m working on to change. But change does take time. I can hope tomorrow’s events go smoothly.

Besides I still have my current place to fall back on for a couple of days. First, I haven’t received my Internet/cable box at the new place. If it arrives tomorrow, I’m set. Honestly, I don’t want to be stuck in the new place without some entertainment to keep me busy. On the other hand, I bought a bed-in-a-box which needs to be taken out and “rested” so it fills out. After I move it to the new place, I can pull it out of its box and let it “rest”, sleep at the old place, then Tuesday night say my goodbyes to the old place. I rather not sleep on the floor at the new place on the first night either.

I’m ready to go. Let’s hope for a speedy and smooth move to my new home. But if there are bumps along the way I’m just going to have to handle them one at a time. All I can do is hope for the best.

I’m actually surprised my anxiety is going through the roof!

Difficulties

For some reason this week is difficult for me. Last week I was full of gratitude. This week is a whole other story. I don’t like how I’m reacting to things. I call people but people never call me back. Online meetings just aren’t the same as face-to-face meetings. When I get a feeling “something is wrong” I know I need to change things.

Last week I was going to write about the increased gratitude I have for having many thing in my life. Many are bitching and complaining about being cooped up, not working, at home with their families all day long, etc. Really? Yet, in normal circumstances you can’t wait for a weekend, want a long vacation or crave the attention of your family because you don’t think you have enough time for them? Now you have that time, so make use of it.

I am categorized as an “essential” employee, so I don’t get the luxury of time off. The only changes in my life are no face-to-face meetings and no customers in the store when I work, otherwise its just like any other normal day. Sometimes I feel like I live in a bubble and wish I could be walking in your shoes. Then the bubble pops and I snap back into reality – what the hell is really going on?

As I’ve started to work again, I noticed many things I still need to work on. Not working, yet working on sobriety is completely different. It’s much easier. Working and living sobriety is just plain much harder. I recognize this, so I have to put more work into my sobriety.

For instance, last night, I let the temper get the best of me. Things just weren’t going my way. That was problem one. The little things turned into big things and it just kept getting worse and worse. I let it keep getting worse and worse until I walked out the door. I need to take the time to take a deep breath and be grateful I have a job right now. I also need to remind myself “things will happen when they are suppose to happen”.

Right now, my search for an apartment is at a stand still. There is absolutely nothing in the area available to rent. I wanted to move out April 1st. Now that isn’t going to happen. To compound the issue, I have a new roommate who moved in this afternoon. My two roommates woke me up when this was happening so I only got about five hours of sleep. Here we go again – the little things frustrating me turning into big things. Problem two I need to work on – do I really need to let this shit to bother me? No. At least I have a roof over my head – be grateful.

Frustrated, as is everyone else, so it’s normal. But part of me feels selfish thinking the way I feel. So I’m glad I actually read, slowly, my own daily readings. There was a message there I needed to hear. I’ve been just posting and not really reading my own readings lately. I need to stop myself and read them, practice them and work on them. That is how this whole sobriety things works in the first place, right?

And there you go, my mood is changing. Suddenly I don’t feel as bitchy and whiny. Sobriety can be a wonderful thing, if I let it and work on it.

My Absence

The whole month of October continues to be a difficult one for me. Mostly all job related has added much stress in my life.  I suffered a TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) or “mini-stroke” back in May 2011, as a result of my addiction.  While I’ve tried to change my lifestyle (i.e. losing weight, eating healthy, starting a fitness routine, etc.), I have not been really proactive at it on a daily basis. Thankfully, I have a three day weekend. Therefore, I’m going to continue a sabbatical from this blog and concentrate on my spirituality. Things need to change very quickly.

My blood pressure is up 20 points which concerns me. I know I have too much stress in my life (as documented here). There are times when my anger gets ahold of me and I haven’t had that happen, as it does now, in many years. I’m now fearing for my job as four people have been terminated in the last week. So hearing this adds much more added pressure.

Since I moved to my new home, I have not had the chance to set up a new Primary Care Provider. While I would like to stay with United Healthcare Systems (because all my history is there), I’m also thinking to change to something different. Right now I”m leaning on staying with UHS due to the current situation. However, doing so would require a “new patient visit” and a “follow up appointment”. Thankfully my current meds are still renewed through my old PCP. The point is I need to get the ball rolling on a new PCP.

I have not dealt with the death of Heart, my cat, well either. Many days I’m more depressed than anything because I have no one to talk to or care for. While I promised myself I would do so when I moved in July, I really haven’t. Instead, my concentration was on Heart. Now that Heart is gone, its hard to move the focus back to me. I’m not sure if I’ve gone through all the grieving stages.

I need to revisit all of the 12 Steps. I have grown complacent in the last couple of months not truly “living the program”. That needs to change before something drastic happens to my sobriety.

I’m almost ONE MONTH from TEN YEARS of sobriety. I’m NOT going to through it all away. Right now, I have that choice but if things progress down the road I’m going, I may not be here at all.

 

A Weekend of Relaxation & Positivity

Another frustrating week is now over, thank the Gods! On Thursday and Friday, I felt like I was an inactive volcano ready to explode. I’m just glad I wasn’t scheduled this weekend because I have plans of my own I need to get done around the house. So I’m planning a weekend of relaxation and positivity.

One, I am not going to rush to do anything. I’m going to relax. For the last couple of weeks, my blood pressure is a little high (the top number or diastolic is in the 130’s or 140’s) and my pulse is way down to the 50’s. I’m on medications for blood pressure but I haven’t been eating good, healthy food, nor have I been getting good rest.

The biggest contributing factor is work. We all love to hate work, so I know I’m not the only one feeling this way.  While I love my work and the care I give to my residents, as a CNA, I get so annoyed, frustrated and just plain MAD at the bull**** .

Most of my residents have some form of dementia. But we also have those temporarily staying for rehabilitation. Most of them are also elderly, set in their ways and can be very needy at times. Many times I’m running around “like a chicken with no head”!

There was a management change a few months back. However, the new DON (Director of Nursing) hasn’t really got a handle on things (in my opinion). , thus bring in an ADON (Assistant Director of Nursing) and a few Supervisors. One supervisor, for me, is like a dream come true, clamping down on policies and procedures that should be followed at all times. While she’s doing her best, she asked for my patience for coming changes.

Enough about work since I vowed not even to think about work this weekend. I have a few things on my list I need to get done. For instance, I need to clean this house. Since I’ve been work so much lately (50 – 60 hours per week), things are getting a tad bit untidy around here. I don’t like it, at all! Second, I’m going grocery shopping. I mean really spending money on some good food that will last me a while.  I spend approximately $10 per day on fast food for dinner every night. It’s not healthy and I told myself I was going to start cooking more when I moved to my new place.

I have a few things on my list I need to get done. For instance, I need to clean this house. Since I’ve been work so much lately (50 – 60 hours per week), things are getting a tad bit untidy around here. I don’t like it, at all! Second, I’m going grocery shopping. I mean really spending money on some good food that will last me a while.  I spend approximately $10 per day on fast food for dinner every night. It’s not healthy and I told myself I was going to start cooking more when I moved to my new place. Third, I’m going to make a short trip to the casino, so I can get out and have some fun. They are luring me with coupons of free play and a free buffet for lunch, so why not? It’s a very dreary day anyway.

Right now I have some meditation music on my tablet playing with some sandalwood incense burning in the background. I think I’m going to meditate a while when Heart (my cat) goes back to sleep and stops meowing at me to love her (LOL). Perhaps take a shower, then head to the casino for some lunch and some fun.

 

Letting Go

I’m proud of myself, yet there is much I am still learning about the principle “Letting Go” specifically in the workplace. Workplace stress affects us all in different ways. Some people have the ability to handle it. While others, like myself, have difficult times. In recent days, I’m taking new measures (or steps) to not let work relationships bother me.

Many times in this blog I have written about my frustrations at work. Working as a certified nursing assistant (CNA) I’m responsible for the lives of those I care for, all the while dealing with different personalities of my co-workers, and attempting to manage my own life in sobriety. At times this can be a monumental task.

For instance, we have 30 residents on a floor. We are divided into three teams to handle the workload. With a particular group of individuals, we work as a team to accomplish our tasks. We set a plan in motion at the beginning of our shift of how things should flow to ensure we are successful in our responsibilities. But at the end of the night, I’m frustrated because a majority of the work is done by one individual. My fear is I will be accused of not doing my own workload.

But at the end of the night, I’m frustrated because a majority of the work is done by one individual. My fear is I will be accused of not doing my own workload. I have talked to this individual to “slow down” allowing the other two of us to “pull our own weight”. Yet, I feel my concerns fall on deaf ears. What bothers me the most is when this individual turns around to complain she is doing all the work.

In addition, this individual takes it upon herself to work with an active injury. Knowing this, I’ve suggested the individual takes measures to ensure their own welfare. Again, my concerns and suggestions fall on deaf ears. Yet, the individual will begin to loudly complain, “I just can’t do this anymore . . .” It gets annoying after a while.

What does this have to do with me? Absolutely nothing – that is the point. This individual is responsible for their own choices. No matter how annoying or frustrated I get, this individual is causing her own chaos. I have to remind myself of the simple principle of “Letting it Go”.

My fear of being accused of not doing my own workload will subside. It is my understanding this individual has already taken measures to change responsibilities in the coming weeks. In the meantime, I’m trying the best of my ability not to let my frustrations and annoyance get the better of me. That in itself is the challenge I face.