Tag: struggling

Feeling Positive

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

Over the last couple of months, I have posted more personal entries, as well as the regular readings. I did not realize the number of readers I have from all over the world, so I made a slight change. I also appreciate all those who have used the Contact Me page to send me a personal email.

My therapist recommended scheduling things throughout the day. Currently, I do things on the fly; I do things when I feel like it. That is going to change because I get so scatter-brained throughout the day, I forget things <-which I absolutely hate! For instance, I thought I paid my utility bill. Thankfully, I was sent an email stating it was NOT paid (Grrrr!). So, I have one thing I need to get done today before anything else. Make that calendar and stick to it.

WordPress posts are in chronological order. I have changed the daily readings to post at 12:05am GMT. Why the change? Now that I think of it, I’m not sure. Perhaps I’ll create a poll on the site to ask my readers their preferences, or look at my statistics to find out where most people are reading this blog. I will change it back to 1205am EST (-400 GMT) until such time I determine otherwise.

Going further, I will continue to post personal entries. Both alcoholics, addicts, and non-addicted people read this page. That is the primary goal of this site. As mentioned above, posts are in chronological order, so personal entries will appear above the daily entries. Perhaps in time, I can put personal entries somewhere else (i.e. Personal Entries). I am just not sure how to do that quickly.

The support from this site has been enormous. I greatly appreciate it. Comments and emails through Contact Me are all appreciated. Just a note – comments are moderated (I have to approve them), thus they will not post immediately. However, I do get an email and usually approve/deny as soon as I can. Many have expressed their own experiences and offered support via phone and/or email. Thank you again for those who offer those services.

Honestly, I have thought seriously about putting the drink down once and for all. The other day, I said to myself, “I am just done with this. All my problems are because of the drink. You know damn well better, Michael. Just do it! I think it was late at night. Yet, in the morning, I didn’t receive a response from a lawyer’s office (it had been a whole week), so I started to panic. Drink was on again. Today, I also received monetary support, so I can check that off the list. Things are starting to click into place.

Choosing a start date to stop drinking is part of my problem. I am NOT one to make a promise to anyone, including myself, unless I am absolutely SURE I will keep it. Then come the excuses. I know from experience I should just pick a date and stick to it. In the past (twice now), it happened when it happened. But the past two times, it was dire situations where I needed rehab and relocation. I am not doing either ever again. I know what I need to do, I just need to do it and stick to it permanently. This may or may not be the time. Only time will tell.

From Better to Worse

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

Sometimes life throws curve balls. I’ve tried to tell myself, “Just roll with the punches. But sometimes that is hard. Really hard.

For weeks now I’ve been wanting to move to my own apartment. There isn’t a single apartment available in the area. No one is returning calls or multiple emails I send. Fine, I get it – COVID-19.

Work is ramped up because its one of the few retail places left open. Not having customers in the store in the middle of the night is nice. But the expectation is we can get a lot more done. So the work piles on.

Things should be done the right way. Instead I ask one person, I get one answer. Ask another, get another answer. Next day, “Why this..why that?” My response, “Ask [my superior] who told me to do it that way.” “Well, it should have been done this way…” Really – no shit. If you communicated to the crew, Hey we’re in a difficult situation right now but the same rules apply as if was a normal work environment, you wouldn’t have this shit going on. Typical work crap that I try to keep at work but sometimes it follows me home.

Working seven days, for whatever reason, doesn’t help. I’m tired, exhausted, yet someone doesn’t want to inquire with the person that made the schedule to see if indeed it was a mistake. My hope is I report to work, they question why I’m there and I get sent home and two days off. We all know that isn’t going to happen right now. So I’m on day six of seven. Throw productivity out the window.

Then when I’m outside, a person from the rooms informs me they are having a meeting next door. Really, a meeting in a house with 18 residents, one staff member. Are you kidding me? I’m not setting foot in the place – period.

What was reported on the news apparently the attendance policy isn’t as proposed or as I understood it. I thought it was waived until the end of April. Now I’m told if people are uncomfortable coming to work and just call off, its unexcused and regular attendance policy applies. If anyone is even exposed to COVID-19, the MUST self-isolate, notify the store and there is a possibility the store closes. All this with no pay. You only get paid if you’re a confirmed COVID-19 case with a doctor’s confirmation.

Which brings me to my employment status. I found out I wasn’t considered full-time until Sunday night. I’ve been asking and asking, “I haven’t forgot about you.” Well it nice to know my status was changed Sunday, now I get screwed in the two bonuses coming to employees this week because my status wasn’t changed to full time.

Despite all this, honestly, I have even thought about drinking. It hasn’t even crossed my mind. I haven’t changed what I do for my sobriety, especially right now. I’m grateful and know I just have to give it time.

“Give it Time….Time Takes Time…its’ only temporary” – not liking those sayings right now.

**chuckle**

Struggling

On By mikeykjrIn Personal, Work Rant4 Comments

I have vowed not to include work on this blog for various reasons. However, when my professional life (work) impacts my recovery, there is an opportunity for others to learn how We, the recovering addict, deal with our addictions on a daily basis.  This is one such time.

I am now a Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) with only five months of experience.  The facility that I work at is currently understaffed, badly.  Everyone is miserable.  I vowed not to get involved, do what is required of me and leave on a daily basis without a further thought of what went on.  While that worked for a while, I have found that in recent weeks, I too became miserable.  Right now, I’m not in a good place.

I never boast about how many years of sobriety I have because it doesn’t matter.  Each of us just have today.  After nine years of sobriety, the last couple of days, I am struggling with keeping my sobriety.  Last night, it peaked; I thought about drinking.  Did I relapse?

Keep reading . . .

I knew that my job was going to be challenging.  A CNA is not an easy job.  The job is disgusting at times (literally); I take care of the elderly who can’t take care of themselves in all aspects of their lives, including toileting themselves. You just get use to it.  Residents can be quite the handful at times; each one has a range of medical problems and mental health issues.  As a CNA, you are required by state law to respect their rights.  You have to be a CNA because you enjoy those that you help no matter what is presented in front of  you.  Don’t get me wrong, I love working with these people no matter what they do or say to me.  I know that they are struggling inside to keep the last sanity they have, in the only way they know how.

On a daily basis, I am treated like shit by residents and even my own co-workers.  I am the low one on the totem pole, thus people take advantage of it (many times to the extreme).  In addition, there are not many male CNA’s.  Nursing is typically a women’s field.  I’ve been told “. . . you just have to deal with it”.

Right now, I feel like I’m fighting for my job.  I feel like my co-workers are all against me including management.  The don’t listen to what I have to say, as if I’m speaking a foreign language.  They don’t help asking me to do things that I’m not suppose to do.  Then when I complain of the illegal activity, they turn my words or events around as if I’m the problem.  They don’t help me when I ask for help, instead think I’m just an incompetent person.  There are dead wrong – I take the necessary time to ensure that my residents are cared for in the proper fashion and with the dignity and respect that any human being deserves!

Sorry I’m getting on tangents, but bare with me . . .now how sobriety plays a part.

Before I go into work, I say the Serenity Prayer.  During the day, I must say it over 1,000 times.  I’m not a person that prays.  Recently, I have really asked for guidance and help, yet I get no relief. Is there a lesson here that I should be learning besides patience and tolerance because if there is, I just don’t seem to get it.

Psychologically, its torture.  I don’t want to be there, nor do I want to work with my co-workers.  But the other side of me doesn’t want to abandon my residents.  They are human beings and should not be treated in the manner that I have witnessed.

My Sponsor and I have constant communication.  He doesn’t understand why I still work there.  He believes I should just look for another job and leave. With only five months of experience, it’s hard to get another job somewhere else; it’s just not that easy to pick up, leave and get another job.  He doesn’t understand because he hasn’t been in my shoes.  However, he has given me suggestions.

Last night, I called him on the verge of tears.  I was going to just walk off the job and I didn’t care about my license as a CNA.  I had a fear that I was going to drink; I didn’t trust myself.  I have so much anger, resentment, fear, etc. built up, I just didn’t know what to do.  We talked on my break but I have to cut him off because Gods forbid I was late coming back in.  The point is, he was there for me.  That got my through the last hour of work, home and I DID NOT DRINK.

This morning we went out for breakfast (I had to pay – another issue, later).  As always, he made suggestions.  Some I can do, others are difficult to implement.  But I still listened.

One suggestion was attending meetings.  I don’t go to enough because of my scattered schedule, complacency and timing.  All excuses.  I don’t MAKE THE TIME to get to meetings.  Yes, it would mean less sleep (I drive three hours a day to work, plus an eight hour day, so do the math).  But there are plenty of meetings right before work, that I can just attend a meeting, then drive to work.  There is even a meeting in a town that I drive through every day.  I just haven’t ever been to a meeting there.  So I’m going to take his suggestion because that is what Sponsee’s should do – ACT on SUGGESTIONS given by our Sponsors.

I have now lost my train of thought, if I really had one.  Recent events have put my mental capabilities to shambles; I can’t think straight, I can’t concentrate, I can’t remember even the littlest things.  It’s rough.  I know it and I need to DO something about it.

This is where I feel that I’m a hypocrite.  I tell people going through something like this to think of a river, you’re standing on a stone in the middle of a river.  No matter what you do (build a dam to block it or control it), build a bridge or try to avoid it, etc., the river is going to keep flowing around you.  You need to DO something, like step off the stone, before the river just pulls you downstream and drowns you.  But do I take my own advice?

Perhaps this time I should!